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Three is the Magic Number

February 10, 2000

By Dan Savage
I am a 15-year-old bisexual male in a serious relationship with a woman four years my senior. She suggested that we try experimenting with threesomes, and I thought it was an amazing idea because it was one of my biggest fantasies: sex with her and another woman or another man. Three weeks ago I met a 24-year-old man who really got into the idea of having sex with us on a casual basis.

It's been working quite well. Usually he never touches her during sex, just focuses on me while I focus on her. Neither of them have a problem with the statutory rape thing, and, of course, neither do I. However, this guy is an avid anti-drugger -- sort of a bent straight-edger -- and I am a heroin user and an occasional user of crystal meth. My girlfriend smokes pot and is perfectly fine with my drug usage because I am quite cautious about my needles. She's happy, he's happy, I'm happy.

But he has no idea about either of our habits. And I've grown rather fond of the fellow. I don't want to force him into approving drugs -- I'm a big hippie, and I accept that -- but I don't want him to leave simply because we (especially myself) are users. Should I just keep him in the dark, or should I tell him and hope for the best? I am quite certain he would be outraged about such a revelation, so I'm inclined to say nothing.

Drugs, Sex and Good Times

First, you are not a hippie. Heroin was never a hippie drug, it was a Hell's Angels drug, and when Hell's Angels weren't killing themselves with heroin, they were often out killing hippies with crowbars. Don't believe me? Go to a video store and rent Gimme Shelter. Nor were hippies -- men and women who sought to expand their minds through the use of mellowing psychedelic drugs -- all that fond of crystal meth. In fact, I can't recall a single reference to crystal meth in the movie Hair, the TV series Mod Squad, the radio program All Things Considered, or any of the other products of hippie drug culture.

So if you're not a hippie, what are you? You are an idiot. The drugs you're doing, young skank, are dangerous and, however careful you are with needles, sooner or later they're going to kill you. In the meantime, crystal is going to destroy your looks, make you smell bad, and make you intolerable to be around. Heroin is addictive, and once you're hooked, the high will wear off and you'll find yourself needing heroin fixes just to function normally. In other words, the high goes away, but the need for heroin remains. And when it does, you'll wind up selling your skanky ass to strangers for a fix. Don't believe me? Watch some Baretta reruns on cable, or go to Vancouver, British Columbia, and watch the addicts work Granville Avenue.

Okay, what should you do about your drug-phobic, statutory-rapist fuck buddy? Well, I'd say that like any good hippie you should be open, honest, loyal, brave, and true. Tell him what the holes in your arm are all about, and give him the option of staying or going. You say you have feelings for this guy, and if that's the case, you owe him the truth. If that's not the case, well, then you might as well go ahead and steal his stereo and TV set now.

I'm a hetero male who has season tickets to pro football games, and I tailgate before and after the games. At several recent games, I've talked to a very gregarious couple. The wife is hot! And it turns out she is hot for me! They told me they are swingers, and that she would like to suck me off while he watches. At the last tailgate party they upped the ante. They have offered to sponsor me at a party at their swing club. This is a great privilege since single males are not often admitted to these parties.

I know the possibility of STDs being transmitted at these events are higher than in most other settings, even though these people say they and their friends are clean. There is no question that I would keep my cock sheathed during intercourse, but I am worried about her or other women giving me blowjobs, since I prefer those condomless. What are the risks there? Because I wouldn't be licking pussy, I hope to reciprocate in some cases by offering to masturbate my temporary partners or by the use of my massage skills. Whaddaya think? In your mind, do the advantages of orgiastic sex outweigh the risks here?

Should I Swing?

If all you're doing is getting blowjobs, the risks of contracting a serious STD -- like, say, HIV -- are extremely low. If you avoid eating pussy (and sucking cock), and wear a condom when you bang away at any holes, you should be fine.

I've been going out with a great guy for two years. I know he's got a thing for lesbians -- which I have no problem with. I would like to have a threesome with him and another girl, but I don't want him to be getting it on with another chick. I want to get it on with her, but I don't want him to. I want to him to watch, or he can touch me (of course!) while I touch her. Am I being weird, or is this okay?

Just Wondering

Yes, you're being weird, and yes, it's okay to be weird. When a couple invites a third in to play, what makes their three-way successful is complete honesty between the two primary partners. You have to lay out for each other exactly what you're comfortable with, and if you can't come to terms -- if you can't agree to each other's ground rules -- then you shouldn't have a three-way.

Tell your boy- friend you want to make it with another girl while he's there, but that he can only look, not touch. If he can't agree to keep his hands to himself (or to you), then tell him you won't have a three-way with him. Knowing straight boys as well as I do, I'm going to go out on a limb and predict he'll quick- ly agree to your terms. If you're worried that he'll attempt to touch the other girl once the three-way is underway, then I'd suggest you strap him to the bed and have sex right on top of him with this other girl.

Or, if that's too extreme, get him to agree to do only as he's told during the three-way. He can only touch, lick, suck, and penetrate when -- and what -- you tell him to. Then, in the middle of the action, if you decide you'd like to see him do more than watch, you can tell him to do just as much as you're comfortable with -- and no more. If you're in complete control of the action, you may find yourself wanting him to go places and do things you may not have thought you would before your three-way got underway.

letters@savagelove.net

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Comments (8) RSS

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1
Uh, actually the hippies DID use speed. Unfortunately. In "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test", Cassady and others used a lot of speed to wake up and grass to chill out.

Still, 'tis best to keep hippie drugs to the naturals and LSD.
Posted by GlassMoon on June 12, 2009 at 4:23 PM · Report
2
dan savage sometimes you are just clueless. hippies got the name hippies from the police because in the late 60's young people would shoot herion into their hips....no visible track marks. it has nothing to do with pants.
Posted by silly dan on June 15, 2009 at 5:03 PM · Report
3
nah, you guys are sorta mixing things up: cassidy was a beatnik who got mixed up with the hippies (who admittedly had a certain amount of admiration for their counter-culture forefathers) many hippies used drugs, and lots of them i'm sure got mixed up in all sorts of things, but i don't think meth would really be considered a hippie drug, then or now. heroin, as i understand it from people who were there at the time, did wind up becoming part of the hippie scene later on, but was considered to be a major factor in the destruction of "the scene".

dan's certainly dead on about this much: both meth and heroin are drugs that are just fucking terrible for you, and his descriptions of their drawbacks are very much based in reality. ds> would be much better off quitting them as soon as possible.

& for the record i'm not some anti-drug nut. pot, hash, e's, acid, shrooms, 2cb, are all infinitely better bets if you want to get into that sort of thing. heck even coke and drinking binges have their moments and aren't quite the blatant road to ruin that meth and heroin are...
Posted by messiahwannabe on June 16, 2009 at 12:42 AM · Report
4
nah, you guys are sorta mixing things up: cassidy was a beatnik who got mixed up with the hippies (who admittedly had a certain amount of admiration for their counter-culture forefathers) many hippies used drugs, and lots of them i'm sure got mixed up in all sorts of things, but i don't think meth would really be considered a hippie drug, then or now. heroin, as i understand it from people who were there at the time, did wind up becoming part of the hippie scene later on, but was considered to be a major factor in the destruction of "the scene".

dan's certainly dead on about this much: both meth and heroin are drugs that are just fucking terrible for you, and his descriptions of their drawbacks are very much based in reality. ds> would be much better off quitting them as soon as possible.

& for the record i'm not some anti-drug nut. pot, hash, e's, acid, shrooms, 2cb, are all infinitely better bets if you want to get into that sort of thing. heck even coke and drinking binges have their moments and aren't quite the blatant road to ruin that meth and heroin are...
Posted by messiahwannabe on June 16, 2009 at 12:46 AM · Report
5
So where does Edie Sedgwick fit into all this?
Posted by hippie on June 16, 2009 at 1:57 AM · Report
6 6
did everyone here completely miss the point of dan's response to the "15 year old" that wrote in? who fucking cares if hippies did or did not use heroin or where they got the name...15 year olds shouldn't be fucking with heroin and speed and NOT telling other parties intimately involved in their lives. weird. that whole letter was weird. ugh.
Posted by 6 on June 18, 2009 at 9:20 PM · Report
Frau Blucher 7
With such an active sexual, drug-experimenting lifestyle, how does this 15 year old find the time to get his Algebra homework completed??
Posted by Frau Blucher on June 21, 2009 at 2:41 PM · Report
8
I started messing with herion at 16, although I didn't get full-time user until about 17 or 18. I used coke all through my junior and senior years in high school along with anything else I could get my hands on. And I used large amounts of vicodin and weed the first two years of high school. I still graduated with honors. Thankfully a little over 2 years ago when I was 21 I got clean after 2 years living where ever with an abusive boyfriend and then another year of living where ever I could and doing whatever I could to get money for herion. When you are young and start out you have this long list of things that you will never do. As time goes on you do those horrible things one by one until there isn't anything you won't do. I went to jail 3 times, stole, and sold my ass on the street. It will happen to anyone if you use long enough and get desperate enough. Thankfully, I met an amazing man, got on methandone maintenance and was able to get my life and family back. Now we have our own place, are getting married in 2 months, have a baby on the way, each have steady jobs and I'm even enrolling in school a few months after the baby is born. And after some counciling I learned to forgive myself for the horrible things that I did when I was using.
Posted by karma137 on July 29, 2009 at 6:49 AM · Report

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