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The Final Round
March 30, 2000
I am writing to you to apologize for the tons of whiny complaints from my fellow straight women. Are most women that naive? Do they really think whatever straight guy they happen to be with doesn't think about fucking other women? My husband visits the occasional porn shop and watches the occasional porn movie. The last thing I want to do is become a sniveling insecure schoolgirl about it and drive him away. We talk about it, but what I don't want to know about, I don't ask about. As long as this stuff doesn't harm our sex life (which is awesome), why complain?
Not an Idiot
All straight men wanna fuck other women. I know this because, like a lot of lesbians, I spent a big chunk of my life with guys. I didn't give a shit if my boyfriends slept with other women, as long as they informed me beforehand and didn't give me any revolting diseases -- and I told them so. You know what? They all went for it. Every last one of 'em. It usually went like this:
1. I told the guy he was allowed to screw around as long as he observed the no-lying, no-disease rules.
2. He nervously assured me that he would never do that.
3. I told him, well, if he ever did want to, the option was open.
4. He looked even more nervous, and promised from the depths of his soul that he Would Never Do That.
5. Weeks or months later, he'd observe that some female we knew was, well, you know... just a little bit pretty.
6. I'd agree that she was a LOT pretty.
7. He would vaguely mention that sometimes, he, well, he... thought about her.
8. I'd reassure him that it was okay to screw her.
9. He'd screw her. Or we both would.
Letting my boyfriends sleep around actually improved our relationships, as my boyfriends weren't staring sullenly at every girl who passed and thinking, "I can't have her because of you." And I never once got left for someone else. So, yes, straight men DO wanna sleep around. They do, they do, they do. And women who really can't accept that should find other women to sleep with.
Thanks for sharing your eight-step plan to a happier, more fulfilling straight relationship, Limber Lesbian, but I doubt many straight women will take your advice. Unlike closeted lesbians, straight women are usually more invested in the long-term survival of their heterosexual relationships, and therefore more reluctant to give their men a free pass to fuck around. But thanks for sharing.
My husband LOVES looking at other women. We sometimes go to strip clubs and XXX theaters together, and then go home and have a good time. Our motto is "I don't care where you work up an appetite, as long as you come home for dinner!"
Living in the REAL World
Of course, no straight guy is going to admit that he wants to fuck other women. But there is an awareness on the part of most people -- except for those in complete denial -- that men wanna fuck around. Women, on the other hand, are believed to be less sexual. This is fine with me, because it allows me to act like a female "chimp." I have a long-term, loving, supportive boyfriend I can fart in front of. I also have a still-excited-about-flirting-with love interest. And there's a convenient fuck stud in my life, a man who's amazing in bed but would never settle down. I bet there are plenty of women out there who lead lives similar to mine. As a bonus, since most people don't suspect women of wanting to cheat, we can get away with it sooooo much easier.
Satisfied Straight Female
I understand that many studies have been done on chimps and gorillas and their sexuality, which is fine. But we can't rationalize all human behavior on what chimps and gorillas do -- after all, aren't we supposed to be "evolved"? Humans are equipped with the ability to think abstractly, and the ability to choose to be faithful if we so desire. We can't go around blaming our wanderlust on our primitive instincts.
No, we can't blame our primitive instincts for our wanderlust, but we can better understand (and control) our wanderlust if we remember that wanderlust is a hard-wired genetic FACT, and not an inexcusable character failing. If someone -- male or female -- promises their partner that they'll be faithful, well, then by all means they should be faithful, or at least have the decency not to get caught being unfaithful. But, FD, how can men and women overcome our primitive instincts if we can't admit to having them?
All straight men in monogamous relationships want to fuck other women. Women should be extremely flattered that, although their men would like to have sex with other women, they choose not to because they value their relationships. This to me is much more reassuring than an I-don't-want-to-fuck-other-women lie.
I'm sure all straight men think about fucking other women, but as a straight woman, I don't think that makes strip clubs or pornography acceptable. Those things exist to turn women into mere flesh. Men who go to strip clubs or watch porn inevitably come to view ALL women as SEX OBJECTS who exist solely for THEIR pleasure. How could they not?
Sex Industries Hurt Women
Let me see if I follow you, SIHW: After a few trips to a strip club, the average straight man can't tell his mother apart from a stripper; a nun sitting next to him on the bus is indistinguishable in form and function from a porn star in an anal gang-bang video; Pamela Anderson = Madeleine Albright. Puh-huh-leeze. As a gay man, I've rented all-male porn videos and stuffed American money into strippers' underpants. And you know what? I don't look at men as pieces of meat -- certainly not my brothers, father, or my friend Dave -- and I don't think straight guys are that different.
Piece-of-meat vision is a male superpower, and just like Superman's x-ray vision, we can turn it on and off at will. While there are men I view strictly as pieces of meat -- porn stars, gay strippers, young Republicans -- context informs which men I view as meat. Guy at the bar shaking his ass in my face? Piece of meat. Guy on the TV selling suits ("You're going to like the way you look")? Not a piece of meat. Same goes for straight guys. Woman with breast implants at the strip club giving me a lap dance? Piece of meat. Woman with Parkinson's disease at the Justice Department giving Al Gore a break? Not a piece of meat.
Next Week: Nothing about monogamy, strip clubs, gorillas, chimps, or Janet Reno. I promise.