Savage Love Podcast

RSS Feed Subscribe in iTunes

Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.

Savage Love Archives

More in the Archives »

More from Dan Savage

More in the Archives »

Books by Dan Savage

Want a Second Opinion?

Contact Dan Savage

Savage on YouTube

Loading...

The Stranger Beside Me

March 11, 2010

By Dan Savage

I am a girl who sabotaged my relationship. I was angry; I had complaints. But my real issue was a store of repressed childhood trauma, and I was working it out on the closest person to me, my BF. We had something magical, and I destroyed it. I am now willing to give 110 percent to fix it.

We no longer have sex. We are hardly on speaking terms. I know now that my relationship skills are stunted—more childhood baggage—but I want to save my relationship. Do you have any tips on initiating sex with someone whom I have traumatized or on improving communication with someone who is so resentful? I am willing to give it time and effort, accept my faults, and breathe deeply rather than react in anger when we talk through things.

Saboteur Addressing Dysfunctions

I'll get to your problem in a second, SAD. But first, a Savage Love programming note: I don't usually mention where I'm writing a particular column, because it doesn't really matter whether my computer is sitting on Ann Landers's desk or resting on Apolo Ohno's ass. (I will let you know when I am writing in a bar, though, because alcohol can impair an advice columnist's judgment.)

I'm writing this column on an airplane, and I was totally in the zone when I noticed that the guy sitting next to me on this airplane was reading my laptop screen. So I wrote this: "HEY! YOU! YEAH, YOU! THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME ON DELTA 2360! STOP READING THIS SHIT UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD!"

Some people.

Okay, SAD: Unless your boyfriend is a weight bench or an exercise ball, you weren't "working it out" on him. You were taking it out on him. Now, maybe you've been led to believe—by your counselor, by Oprah, by some other idiot with an advice column—that you can just throw up your hands and say, "Childhood issues! Childhood baggage!" and everything will be magic again. Sorry, SAD, but sometimes the damage is too great. Your boyfriend won't speak to you? Won't fuck you?

Game over.

Accept that you—not your issues, not your baggage, but you yourself—screwed yourself out of a decent guy. End it, get your ass into counseling, and make an effort to resolve your issues and unpack your bags before you inflict yourself on some other dope. You don't have to be 100 percent healthy before you date—no one is 100 percent healthy—but you do have to be in relatively good working order.

And what does the guy sitting next to me on this airplane think?

"I've dated girls like her," says TGSNTMOTA. "Daddy issues. She should get over her shit before she dates someone else, you know, but she probably won't. Girls like her never do. But maybe this one will, because you're pulling her up short. And she should move to an island—Hawaii, the Big Island—because being on an island can really help you work through your shit."

Thanks, TGSNTMOTA!

I am a leather daddy in a big city. A young man—early 20s, in a small town—contacted me online and asked to be my boy. I declined, due to distance, but agreed to be his confidant and adviser. The boy has one huge problem: He is in a long-term relationship with a vanilla boyfriend who has no interest in BDSM and vehemently opposes allowing him to explore with others. Presently, the boy goes to dungeon parties and plays with men behind his boyfriend's back. I feel very strongly that the boy should either come to an understanding with his boyfriend that allows him to explore or break up with him so they can both find what they need.

I wouldn't ordinarily presume to know what's best for other people, but this boy is starving sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. But my conscience will not allow me to advise him on navigating the leather scene when I know he'll use this knowledge to cheat on his boyfriend. Do you agree with the advice I've given this boy?

Wanna Be A Good Influence

I agree with the advice you've given this boy—get the boyfriend's okay or get out—but this boy is already navigating the leather scene, WBAGI, and will continue to cheat on his boyfriend with or without your guidance.

So continue to serve as this boy's confidant and adviser, WBAGI, all the while pressing him to do the right thing and leave his boyfriend. And we both know that he needs to leave his boyfriend, WBAGI, not just get the boyfriend's permission to explore. If this boy's interest in BDSM is so strong that he's jumped into the deep end of the pool—i.e., dungeon parties—he'll never be happy with a vanilla monogamist who grudgingly allows him to play with other guys.

And what does the guy sitting next to me on this airplane think?

"The guy with the boyfriend should do what the other guy, the leather guy, says," says TGSNTMOTA. "Because the leather guy has a good head on his shoulders, and the guy with the boyfriend should listen to the leather guy and leave the other guy, the boyfriend guy, and see other guys."

Um... thanks, TGSNTMOTA!

I'm an 18-year-old hetero male college student. I'm in a relationship with an awesome girl. I'm dominant; she's submissive. I like name-calling; she likes being called names. Our libidos match, etc. There's only one thing I'm into that she isn't: watersports.

The idea of urinating on a girl turns me on. My fetish is by no means unusual, and I'm perfectly comfortable saying, "I'm into piss!" She, however, finds the idea unappealing, to say the least. I know that I'm young and have a long time to act on my fantasies, but this one seems like it will always be difficult. Do you think that, down the road, I will be able to find a girl who is willing to get pissed on?

I Want To Pee On Someone

Watersports, for the kinkily inclined, is one of those things that can seem almost unspeakably perverse at 18 and not that big a deal at 28. Don't do it first thing in the morning, and don't do it after chowing through a plate of asparagus. Do it after you've had a few beers and the piss is just so much warm—and sterile—water.

So relax, IWTPOS, because the odds that you'll be with this girl forever—remember, you're 18, she's 18—are slim, and the odds that you'll meet a girl at some point who's either into it or can be talked into it are high.

And what does the guy sitting next to me on this airplane—a very nice-if-nosey thirtysomething dude from Lubbock, Texas—think?

"I have a thing for girls peeing on me," TGSNTMOTA whispered to me. "Because it's like a sort of female ejaculation thing. I met girls on the Big Island who were into it, clear and nice, and—"

Okay, TGSNTMOTA, thanks for sharing and—hey—it looks like we're getting ready to land, so... thanks for playing Savage Love.

mail@savagelove.net

 

Comments (14) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Hope I get to beTGSNTMOTA sometime.
Posted by scopes on March 9, 2010 at 6:24 PM · Report
2
Clear and nice? Anyway... great column and I enjoyed my belly laughs from TGSNTMOTA.
Posted by Well, here goes on March 9, 2010 at 6:29 PM · Report
3 Comment Pulled (OffTopic) Comment Policy
4
The advice to SAD is excellent. I recommend CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy); it gets you out of the habit of focusing on the past and blaming everything on your parents.
Posted by My Name Here on March 9, 2010 at 6:30 PM · Report
5
Funny! I like the presence of TGSNTMOTA, and it's nice to get plain-ole advice along with the pro. Makes it seem more down-to-earth.
Posted by yo_in_Seattle on March 9, 2010 at 6:30 PM · Report
6
I wish I was sitting next to Dan Savage on a plane right now... though I'm not sure how being on a big island can help you work through your shit. Maybe because the girls like to pee on you there?

http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
Posted by Pamela River on March 9, 2010 at 6:46 PM · Report
7
SAD, have you tried sincerely and profoundly apologizing to him? Tell him you know you fucked up and that you're committed to making it up to him. Explain that your taking it out on him was caused by bad anger management, or bad childhood issues management, not as an excuse (and tell him you realize that doesn't justify or excuse your behavior), but to show him that you know what your problem is, AND THAT THE PROBLEM IS NOT HIM, and that you can focus on solving it. And then show your commitment by getting some therapy and working through your childhood issues as well as on developing your relationship skills. If he sees that you're committed to making things work, he may be willing to give you a second chance, and maybe even have understanding for you if you repeat those antics at some point, because although you're working hard on making yourself a better person, it can't be done overnight.

Also, be sweet to him, tell him all the good things you think of him, what qualities you appreciate in him and repeatedly assure him in every possible way that you don't take him for granted, which is what he was led to believe by your previous behavior.

All this said and done, maybe he has already made up his mind to say good bye to you, or the two of you are simply too young to put so much of yourselves into saving a damaged relationship. It takes serious dedication on both sides, and I can only see it working out if neither of you sees break up as an option.
Posted by tiare on March 9, 2010 at 7:14 PM · Report
8
Not sure SAD should just give up on the guy yet. A grovelling apology and working on some fighting rules (there are ways to do it right) are a start. Then some couples'counselling may also help. For goodness sake, if some people can forgive cheaters, then forgiving this woman should be possible.

Yes, people can say things that are unforgivable; but if it was truely unforgivable, then he wouldn't be sticking around to punish her by ignoring her. He'd be off and away.

So my advice:

Apologize, grovel, tell him you were wrong and what you did about it was wrong. Ask if he can ever forgive you. If he says no, then let him go.

If he says yes, then (I could use help from other folks here) I'd ask to set up a safe word for arguments, where if either one of you is getting too upset, either of you can say the word and you both agree to take a breather and settle down. Work on some rules: no arguing when someone is tired or hungry is a basic one in my household. If you are angry at someone else, then let your partner know you are venting at someone else, not them. And so forth.

One rule you can institute for yourself without help is to consider whether what you want to say meets a standard. Mine is that something has to meet two of the three following standards:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

And, yes, sometimes you just have to bite your tongue; at least if you are a grouchy person like me.

Advice for restarting the relationship. You must begin by using actions to show your affection. Make breakfast, rub feet, buy a good book he likes, do some job he dislikes so that he can play, take him to a good movie, just talk to him about interesting topics. Give him your attention and consideration. Offer, but do not beg or insist upon sex; either is off-putting.

And get some help for your problems, so that you learn how not to take them out on other people.
More...
Posted by SpookyCats on March 9, 2010 at 7:22 PM · Report
9
Read the letter from SAD with some interest - a few years ago, I think I was pretty similiar to SAD, and lemme tell ya, you'll fake-promise a lot to stay in a situation you're comfortable in. I totally agree with Dan's advice - experience and grieve the loss NOW. It's the only way you'll get clear for a healthy relationship -
Posted by Been There and Moved Forward on March 9, 2010 at 7:57 PM · Report
slomopomo 10
If you've never lived on a smallish island, it probably sounds odd, but he's right. I lived on an island for a few years, and there's something about not being able to walk (sufficiently far) away from anyone that really focuses the social skills. And passive-aggressiveness, but that's another letter.
Posted by slomopomo on March 9, 2010 at 8:34 PM · Report
11
I love TGSNTMOTA! I don't know why...I just think he was a funny addition this week.
Posted by box on March 9, 2010 at 8:37 PM · Report
12
Aww, I was really hoping to hear Dan's thoughts on Senator Roy Ashburn.
Posted by last_chance_f on March 9, 2010 at 8:46 PM · Report
13
the advice to the last letter was lacking. basically, this guy has the perfect girl, who only dislikes a single thing he likes. pee on her in the shower; i'm sure she won't care if it's in the shower. other than that, if this guy is so ungrateful, she should DTMFA. 18 y/o are so spoiled.
Posted by dakoneko on March 9, 2010 at 8:56 PM · Report
14
I read SAD's letter, and got no further in the column. The fuck. She's been a cunt, she knows she's been a cunt, and her primary concern is how to initiate post cunt sex? And yet, in her eyes, he's at fault because he's so resentful?

Um, SAD, fuck you.

On a side note, TGSNTMOTA should consider going back to the Big Island, it sounds like he's not done working through his shit.
Posted by catballou on March 9, 2010 at 8:57 PM · Report

Add a comment

Most Commented in Columns