Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at email@example.com.
HUMP! 2010: Everybody loves HUMP!, Seattle and Portland's biggest, best, and only amateur, locally produced porn festival. But HUMP! can't come if you don't! It's time to get to work on your short & sexy pornos, Seattle! This year's call for HUMP! submissions is on page 14. Go to thestranger.com/hump for details, deadlines, release forms, and some dirty pics. Get HUMPing!
I'm a 23-year-old bi dude seeing a guy who is intelligent and attractive—the works. We've been together for six weeks. The problem is, after our first night together, I lost sexual interest in him. When I do get horny—which is rare at the moment due to work pressures—I prefer to beat off alone, because I can fantasize about some sort of transgression or other when I do it, e.g., having sex where I'm at risk of being discovered, rape fantasies, incest scenarios. Obviously, at some point I began associating "sexy" with "dangerous" and maybe "wrong."
I want a relationship, but I'm tired of failing in bed because I'm just not into the sex. And, damnit, he's cute and I should be able to get it up! What do I need to do?
Two Guys, One Erection
Here's an idea, TGOE: risk having the sex that turns you on—sexy, dangerous, and wrong—with this guy who turns you on. Fuck him in public, fuck him where you might be discovered, fuck him by simulated force. And whether you're fucking at home or in public, TGOE, you're free to fantasize that your no-relation boyfriend is your brother/nephew/uncle—or sister/niece/aunt—if that's what it takes to get you off. (Whether it would be wise to tell him that you're entertaining incest fantasies while you're fucking him is another matter.)
And when you're not having dangerous and/or wrong sex, TGOE, you can talk—talk dirty—about all the dangerous and/or wrong sex you've had with him already and plan to have with him in the future. Even if you're fucking around under the covers at home with the door shut and the lights off, TGOE, you can tell him about how next time you're going to fuck him so hard in a public place that the police come running when they hear him scream because you're both so dangerous and wrong and blah blah dirty talk blah.
But you'll never get to a "two guys, two erections" place, TGOE, if you don't risk sharing your real sexual fantasies and interests with this guy. Given a choice between hot sex with his boyfriend—which requires incorporating the boyfriend's kinks—or boring sex that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and him feeling rejected, and eventually leads to the demise of this relationship, your boyfriend is likelier to choose hot sex.
The basics of my life: I'm male, straight, in my mid-20s; I have a twin sister and have been with my girlfriend for three years. I want to break up with my girlfriend for a variety of reasons. I have begun the "it's not working for me anymore" conversation four times. But each time I do, she brings up different sexual fantasies I have confided in her during our relationship. I believe the implication is that if I break up with her, she'll tell people about my fantasies—one in particular.
AND THAT CANNOT HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!
The fantasy I am most worried about her revealing is incestuous in nature. When I was about 15, I—on occasion—used mental images of my sister to get off. I never had any romantic or sexual feelings toward her in real life—I was never attracted to her when she was physically present—and once I started sleeping with real girls, my fantasies about my sister ceased. One time, my girlfriend and I got stoned and discussed our most outrageous sexual fantasies; our relationship was different then, more trusting, and I told her about this stuff. I want out of the relationship, but I am terrified of what would happen if she told people, especially my sister. How can I exit this relationship, and how can I contain the damage if she decides to tell people my secret? And is it fucked up that I used to masturbate to thoughts about my twin?
Freaking Fucked Or Fucking Freak?
I wish my boyfriend were as easy to manipulate as you are—Jesus, the shit I could get away with.
Anyway, dumbfuck, unless you put your most outrageous sexual fantasies in writing—and you didn't—you're not the one in danger here. Here's what you do: Spend a week in front of a mirror perfecting a look of stunned incredulity, and then go break things off with your girlfriend. Make sure the actual split is big and messy and public. If she attempts to retaliate by telling people about your no-longer- operative sexual fantasies, FFOFF, you slap that look of stunned incredulity on your face and say, "I knew we had a bad breakup, but, my God, what kind of sick piece of shit makes up something like that?"
And yeah, FFOFF, masturbating to thoughts of a sibling is a little fucked-up. But it's not uncommon for teenagers to fantasize about—and, in some disturbing instances, to actualize all over—their siblings. Sex seems scary and new, siblings seem safe and familiar. For most people, early and inappropriate fantasies quickly subside, as they did for you, and most people have the good sense to stuff 'em down the memory hole.
My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He's 23 and I'm 22. He's a virgin and I'm not. I've been very patient about sex. I'm GGG, and he's gotten really good about taking initiative and suggesting things. We've done all the basic sex-without-actual-intercourse things—outercourse, fingering, oral—and we're both very satisfied with our "not sex" life. Lately, the subject of anal intercourse has come up. I've never done it, but I am turned on by the idea, and he's definitely up for it. What's the problem then? The idea of our first real sex being anal bothers me. He pleases me, and his reasons for not having vaginal sex when we do so much else are at least somewhat logical (we're both paranoid about pregnancy, even though I'm on birth control and we'd use condoms). But I worry that by having anal sex, I'll delay the sex that I really want! Plus, I worry that by having exclusively anal sex now, he won't be as turned on by the regular kind later.
Stick It In Me Already
If he's not up for vaginal intercourse for religious and/or ridiculous reasons, SIIMA, that's his call. If you're not up for anal sex for whatever reason, that's your call. He should support your decision, SIIMA, just as you've supported his.
And for the record: Neither of you are virgins. You have a little virgin territory left to explore—your vagina, your butt, his butt—but you're both sexually active nonvirgins, and have been for months.