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Round Up
May 6, 2010
I am a 28-year-old, post-op transsexual woman. I met a great 31-year-old guy. We have been dating for a year, and he recently told me that he didn't think he was sure he was in love with me. He said that he didn't know if he could give me any sort of commitment, that he is afraid of what his peers would think if they knew my medical past. I can't say that I'm sure I'm in love with him either, but I do know that we thoroughly enjoy each other's company and miss each other immensely when we are not together. However, he asked to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship.
I transitioned in my late teenage years. I blend in very well, and few people know that I am trans. I am like any other woman in that I want a husband and children, and he says he wants a wife and kids. I asked him a few days ago if he could give me an answer as to whether I should move on or if he wanted me to wait. He couldn't give me an answer. I have my own life. I am a full-time student training to become a nurse. I made time for him because he became important to me, but am I beating a dead horse here?
Transitions And Crossroads
You enjoy spending time together, you miss each other when you're apart, you want similar things (commitment, kids)—that sure sounds like love to me. And if it's not quite love, TAC, it's close enough to round up to love.
A (longish) aside: The way many people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships—the way I sometimes talk about mine—can do a real disservice to the single and/or dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullshit like "Oh, I knew the minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure." In reality, of course, we didn't know, we weren't sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues, etc. Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities, and issues down the ol' memory hole and start telling people how "sure" we were right from the start. (For the record: There are lots of smug married people out there yammering on about how "sure" they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in their future.)
Anyway: There are too many smugly coupled-up people out there paying our partners—and ourselves—the false compliment of a backdated certainty. And that would be fine if single people within earshot weren't forced to listen to our smug bullshit, some of whom go home thinking, "Well, this person I'm seeing—this person I enjoy spending time with, this person I miss terribly when we're apart—she must not be 'the one' because... I'm not sure."
Back to you, TAC: I'm glad you have a life and goals, because that will make it easier to do what you must. Go and tell this guy that there are no sure things, but that you're as confident as a person can be that you two are a match. (But he's not your only potential match—just as no one is really "sure," no one is "the one," only one of many potential possible ones.) Then tell him you're not going to wait forever while he "reevaluates" and stresses out about things that neither of you can control. And finish by telling him to give you a call when he's ready to make at least a mini-commitment: going steady, on a track toward engagement and ultimately marriage and (adopted) children.
Then—and this is the most important part—go back to living your life, TAC, go back to school and career goals. Move on without waiting for him to tell you to move on. Don't call him, don't e-mail him, don't text him. Don't pass up other dating opportunities in the hopes that he'll get his shit together. If you're still single if and when he calls, great. See him again. If not, well, it's his loss.
I'm a twentysomething freelancer, and I have a barter relationship with a facility that lets me work there for free. I've become friends with the guys who run the facility. Recently, one of my girlfriend's best friends had sex with one of these guys a few times. I recently found out that one time, postcoitus, he secretly filmed my girlfriend's friend naked using his iPhone. He's shown the video to a few mutual friends but didn't tell me or show me.
I think this is some super-vile shit, and I'm horrified that someone I considered a friend would be such an asshole. I'd like to tell him how I feel about this, but at the same time, I can't afford for my relationship with him to sour. I've heard that he deleted the video, so maybe what my girlfriend's friend doesn't know can't hurt her. One potentially pertinent piece of information is that my girlfriend's first sex partner secretly filmed her and showed it to everyone in her high school, and it scarred her. I think she would be SUPER upset to find out about what this guy did to her friend. I want to do the right thing here, but it's not obvious what that is. Help!
Video Is Defining Ethical Obligations
What your friend did to your girlfriend's friend is vile, VIDEO, potentially illegal, and—most importantly—not a very nice way to treat someone who was kind enough to fuck his brains out.
You do have to do something, VIDEO, but your options aren't limited to either beating him nearly to death with a baseball bat or beating him all the way to death with a baseball bat. It's possible to confront someone in a friendly-ish way, employing a tone that at once communicates your affections for him even as you chide him for doing something that undermined those affections.
"Dude, I heard about that little video," you say to him, perhaps over a drink. "And I was glad to hear you deleted it—you did delete it, right?—because that's a shitty thing to do and you're not a shitty guy. It's also an illegal thing to do, and people have gotten busted for doing that kind of shit. Be careful, man, you could really fuck up your life."
If you can tamp down your righteous fury long enough to put it to him that way, VIDEO, you will have reinforced what should be communitywide/specieswide social norms—no dirty pictures or videos without the consent of all involved—without nuking your professional relationship with the guy. Good luck.
My roommate and I were wondering why the "tech savvy" youth who work on your podcast are "at risk." He says your podcast is a community- service program for at-risk kids; I say that they're at risk working for a sex columnist. Which is it? We would call, but we live in Canada.
Canadian Fans
There are no phones in Canada?
One or two TSARY are on work-release programs or doing community service, CF, but it's the 90 minutes they spend with me every week that represents their primary risk. It's not that I would put the moves on any of them—I'm a stickler about personal hygiene—it's just that they come in for rather more advice, most of it unsolicited, than the average Savage Lovecast listener.
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I admitted to myself a while back that I'm comfortable as a straight man dating an MtF transsexual. It occurred to me that I would experience serious issues if an LtR developed and I'd have to worry about disclosure of the fact that she's an MtF transsexual vis-a-vis my wacky religious family. I wondered if it's fair to keep ask that aspect of her history be kept secret indefinitely just for my own selfish reasons.
The reason I can wonder so idly is because I have the luxury of living in a world where the chances that I'd run into such a woman are slim to none. My conclusion thus far is: You'll cross that bridge if you ever come to it.
Still I agree with Dan's advice, if this guy is having second thoughts, it's one thing, but if in the end he doesn't think you're worth all the trouble and all the issues he might face- you deserve to be with someone who thinks you are worth it.
"A Christian leader and prominent neuro-psychiatrist who co-founded the Family Research Council with evangelist James Dobson took a ten-day European vacation with a callboy he met through RentBoy.com and was caught in an airport with the escort by a Miami newspaper.
The escort said he had met George Rekers, professor of Neuropsychiatry and Behavioral Science at the University of South Carolina, on RentBoy.com.
According to Penn and Thorp, the slender, 20-year-old escort's profile advertises his "smooth, sweet, tight ass" and "perfectly built 8 inch cock." RentBoy.com's profiles are not indexed by Google."
ahhh the joys of both hypocrisy and karma.
Please Dan, rip this tard a new on in a column
8
And I liked your "threatening, but nice" script for VIDEO'S arsehole "friend".
Also, you can beat someone with a baseball bat so long as there's no head shots involved, I think.
(In before the "I can't believe you guys would SAY that about other human beings" whiners.)
I can't come back here in 10 years and let you know how it went, but I think it's relevant to point out: not every nascent couple is plagued with endless doubts and insecurities.
At 12 months, will you be so sure? No. Hopefully, you'll be sure enough. Which is as much as most of us ever get.
As a Canadian I had to chuckle at "There are no phones in Canada?" so thank you for making me giggle. (I would call in but I haven't come up with a burning question...)
And lastly - thank you for the response highlighting the fragility & hope of relationships. You take what you have. You decide you have faith in it, and you go forward with what you have. Or not. (I think I'm currently falling into the latter.)
(What is "well beyond" marriage? Do you plan to divorce later and shack up?)
20
TAC - I hate when people do this. My best mate is currently going through it. What Dan said is right, and don't take it personally if he does decide not to go ahead. There are people who are accepting of this out there, and if he can't, you will find someone who is. Don't settle for less. You are worth more than that.
CF - how are they at risk working for Dan? Do you know what kids get up to? Or do you live in a hole.
Actually, I think it's a hole since you don't have a phone.
29
Follow Dan's advise and move on
And I will probably have doubts until the day it's all over (either by the "death do us part" or other parting methods....).
The trick to staying together for me is this - that the doubts are mitigated by the smile I see every morning when I roll over in bed, the neat and quirky things he does each and every day, and of course the FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC SEX we have!
Just passing time at ninety-nine degrees.
'Cause loving you's my favorite kind of weather.
Oh, forever let the flame burn down in me.
And I'll not prepare my heart for the change of season.
And I'll whip old Winter Wind there if she blows, if she blows.
There are basically 2 options here, which I think you should confront him with: 1) He can join some kind of trans rights/support group, develop friendships with people that won't care and may do some good in educating the bigoted masses, but mainly find enough support for his relationship for you that he can ditch those of friends that can't accept it or 2) Not mention it to anyone. He's lived a year this way and it's not disingenuous, he didn't really know what loving a trans woman was until he met you and he didn't understand the confusion his own internalized bigotry might cause him until he did fall in love. It's not really anyone's business anyway but some people just need time and experience to work through their internalized shit before they can come out on the other side not caring about other people's bullshit.
He's only had a year at this, you've had your whole life, 28 years, and I bet you had to go through some confusion and frustration and other people's non-acceptance too. Tell him you want to move it to the next level and no one "decides" that they've worked out their inner demons, it's a process of experimentation to change, and you'll help him through it without pushing him to open up to his friends about you right away. It will give them a chance to know you as a woman first anyway. If they ask why you didn't tell them right away in the future tell them you were afraid that the bigoted stigma of dating a trans might hurt your boyfriend's self-acceptance.
So Dan, I disagree with you on this one. She needn't move on right away if they're doing well otherwise. She should help the boyfriend get over his internalized trans-phobia though. Part of good relationships is helping the other person to grow, challenging them a bit to learn how to be a better person. Not for you, but for themselves. (Although being a better them invariably seems to have good consequences for others around them).
38
Like you, I require a regular fix of savage love and repeats are a bummer.
44
Fast-forward to 2000, and i found myself having to beg for sex, with him preferring to abstain a great deal of the time. Since realizing this horrid situation, we had "the talk", have been in counselling, to no avail.
After years of blaming myself, i realize that he duped me at the outset. I've done a lot of investigating, and have come to understand that he is asexual. This, unfortunately, does not lessen the pain i feel at being stuck in a marriage that is without intimacy or sex. Why stuck? Because we have 2 young children, and i am financially dependent upon him. If i leave him, i'll be one of those bag ladies living under a bridge.
Looking back, i can see where i made my mistake. I had rose-coloured glasses on, and believed that i could teach him what he needed to know about sex and he would willingly learn and repeatedly give me versions of that and more. I couldn't have been more wrong. He would not internalize my requests for what i liked during sex; he would do (badly) what i asked for only once, then reverted to his preferred style. All i want is to be fucked well and often. I am a passionate lover, full of energy, i find sex very intense, and i needed him to step up to the plate. Instead, when i asked for more, he stepped back and gave less. When it came down to a quarterly romp, i knew our marriage was over. We now live like roomies, raising 2 children. We are friends, but not lovers.
Moral of story: make sure you are with your soul mate. Make sure you have no niggling little doubts about any of the big issues. Don't discount sex; it is VERY important to be on the same page re: passion, desire, and frequency. If something is wrong now, chances are it will be even more wrong in 5, 10, or 15 years. Don't go into marriage thinking that you can change your partner or teach them what you want. If they don't already know what you want or aren't giving you what you need, perhaps you should move on.
And he shouldn't be afraid that his girlfriend will be upset the guy did this. If she finds out, and finds out that her boyfriend knew the whole time, he'll look weak.
This is a perfect opportunity for VIDEO to step up and be the knight in shining armor.
T has to realize the chance of a happy mar with this G is slim. But some things have been keeping T and G together this long. Sex, laziness, whatever? T needs to get back in the mar market. She can actually meet more horny guys going out with G than geeking alone. None of this reasoning has anything to do with transgenderism.
48
I think that your suitor's main problem may be simpler than you think: when he said he wanted a wife and kids, he was probably thinking about "making" your children, not "choosing" them. Without trying to sound petty, I'll say that I've known more than a few men who became members of the "'Heir' Club for Men" when they broke the 30 year mark, and his sudden ambivalence may have arisen when he realized that none of your potential children would truly be "his". No matter how wonderful your potential relationship may be, he'll probably self-sabotage it if that matter is always laying over his head (his worries about being "outed" may also be formed from a hidden fear that the idea of a young couple adopting children may make the wrong people suspicious). If you talk to him about your relationship, and he admits that he's most worried about the paternity of his children, walk away. There are plenty of men in the world who'd be happy to walk with you, no sense worrying about whether your "soul mate"(*) would have panned out.
(*) No, I don't believe in soul mates. If they did, the world would be a much better place.
When it became clear that I was going to have to divorce my husband and support our children, I went to college (with 3 month old twins and a 3 year old), made good grades, got a part time job at the college that paid for books and daycare, graduated and got a good job with health insurance and benefits. THEN I divorced him.
Quit whining and make a better life for yourself, HE isn't going to make your life any better!
That said, I'm sure 44 could find a friend with a spare room and pull some strings to get a good divorce lawyer.
52
Especially somewhat painfully spot-on was what you say to TAC. Thanks for reminding us that despite those strong feelings of "They could be the one" nobody's sure, for sure, in a couple, early on. I can't tell you have many times I've seen the Smug Marrieds say things about fate & destiny that generally make those of us still single, dating or too tired to care feel like without our crystal balls or a belief in Soul Mates, we won't be finding The One. Although The One itself is a myth..just, cheers.
For good or bad, some things are not in your control. And if your potentially-former lover can’t accept you as who you are than I’d second Dan and advise you to move on.
Regardless, you’re a smart and courageous woman and I wish you the best.
Another reason for the memory loss, I've noticed, is that people are sometimes none too keen to go into the real story of how they met, what they felt etc.
For example, when someone asks "So how did you two meet?" or it's time for the speech at the wedding or whatever, it's just not cool to talk about how you were actually having a semi-discreet NSA relationship with the guy's best friend, which he knew about, when you suddenly realized that you were having more and better conversations and fun times with him than with Mr. Friend with Benefits. So you started dating...
It ends up becoming "Oh, I just knew right away that..." etc.
I know someone who was brutally honest about the start of her relationship. He was seeing someone else and then started seeing both of them and it came down to a shouty ultimatum of "It's her or me. Choose.". They now have seven children and have been married for ages. Certainly not the way I'd want to start a relationship but seems to have worked for them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqz…
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My bride and I, married for love, 41 years ago. We do not always agree on everything, but we manage. Happiness is different for everyone, but we are happiest together.
We have friends who are gay/lesbian couples. They, too, have been in LTRs. They have the same issues that require love, common sense, compromise, and good choices.
TAC should consider expanding his/her horizons. The sooner, the better.
But I have a problem with your advice to the first writer, TAC. Say they get married, and say they're ready to have kids, and he says "I dunno what my peer group is gonna say about this." How is she going to feel about that?
If his peer group is going to have a voice in their decisions as a couple, it seems to me that's a great big red flag right there. If he wants to get married, he needs to realize that means having a new and more important "peer group" to consider.
No matter what else they have going for them (and I loved "close enough to round up to love"), if the peer group is so important to him that he's going to take their advice on who he should marry, then yes, she should move on. Right now.
The first one, tran, already said it all. The part about going on to live her life was right, but no ultimatums, just forget him.
The second one, should just get over it. Confronting the guy who did the naughty vid would accomplish nothing, and has several possible ways to go terribly wrong.
72
The same thing happened to me and I was absolutely devastated when I found out. I would have rather not known at all.
74
I do love getting as many of those choice words in one sitting as possible. I know it's not net-savvy of me, but I'm still hoping for a second collection of columns in book form. (geek!)
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