Savage Love Podcast
Check out the all new Savage Lovecast site!
Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at email@example.com.
Savage Love Archives
More from Dan Savage
There Are No Atheists In Foxholes
SL Letter of the Day: Have You Ever Heard of...?
Senate Democrats Fuck Over Bi-National Gay Couples...
Rightwing Anti-Gay French Activist Commits Suicide at Notre Dame Cathedral
Books by Dan Savage
- American Savage
- It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living
- The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family
- Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me
- Skipping Towards Gomorrah
- The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
Want a Second Opinion?
Contact Dan Savage
May 13, 2010
I'm a mostly gay male with a boyfriend who is also mostly gay. We are into BDSM—we are both tops and sometimes play with other sub men. I say we are "mostly" gay because we do like to fuck/top submissive women once in a while. We haven't done this a lot, and never together because we don't have the same taste in women—until recently. One of our new neighbors, a straight female, is very shy, but she's opened up to us about her interest in BDSM. We took her to a play party, and she was okay watching others play, but any time anyone expressed an interest in her, she clammed up and withdrew. She stayed at our side the entire time.
We are interested in propositioning her. Our dilemma is in how to approach someone so gun-shy. We want to seduce her into the experience and not make her uncomfortable, but we can't agree as to how to go about it. Another issue is that we think the reason she has been so open with us is because she assumes we are both 100 percent gay.
Two Guys And A Girl Toy
She meets two guys who live together, have presumably noisy BDSM sex with each other and other men, and identify themselves as gay. I'm sure you can appreciate why, under the circumstances, your neighbor might assume you two were gay, right? And that assumption convinced her it was safe to open up to you guys about her sexual interests—interests that are clearly scaring the shit out of her for the moment—because she further assumed, entirely reasonably, that you guys didn't wanna stick your dicks in her.
The sooner you come clean, the likelier you are to get into her pants, mouth, ass, twat, etc. Do not attempt to be seductive. Putting the moves on her now could transform a minor and perhaps unwitting violation of her trust into a relationship-ending violation. Instead, just be, um, straight with her: "We should've said something sooner, [her name here], but we're both actually bi, and we thought you should know that. And we also wanted you to know that we're both attracted to you and, hey, if you want to explore any of this stuff that you're curious about with us, we'd be up for that. If not, we're happy to keep being your kinky, gay-identified, completely platonic buddies."
I am a single, thirtysomething female who has been having a long-term affair with a married man. We have one rule: We tell one another if and when we fool around with other people. About a year ago, I discovered another affair he was involved in while he was out of the country, which he failed to disclose to me. I discovered it because he left his e-mail unattended. He was not apologetic, and I ended up being the one who begged for forgiveness for invading his privacy. He did, however, promise to end his relationship with the woman overseas. I recently discovered that he has struck up a fresh correspondence with this same woman. I gained this knowledge by invading his privacy again—this time by outright hacking his e-mail—but he also betrayed me, and he needs to be held accountable.
You are probably wondering why I am not just cutting this guy out of my life. We have amazing sex and enjoy the same kinks. It is difficult to find someone trustworthy to engage in these activities with. But how can I trust anything he says anymore? I really want to call him on this. He broke our rules. Do you think I am out of line in confronting him?
Mistress Is Pissed
According to the "Mistress, whining about being cheated on" listing in the Association of American Advice Columnists' Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Staggeringly Self-Serving Bullshit, I'm supposed to slap the shit out of you, MIP. The DSM instructs me to respond to letters like yours with something like this: "Your lover is cheating on his wife with you, you dumb piece of shit, and you're shocked to learn that he's cheating on you, too?" That strikes me as a little harsh. So I'll go with this instead: You can't expect a guy to take your rules more seriously than he takes his vows.
As for confronting him: The last time you confronted him about another other-woman, MIP, you wound up begging for his forgiveness. So let's skip the confrontation and accept reality: Unless you're willing to walk away from the amazing sex, unless you're willing to dump the motherfucker, he's going to go on cheating on you and lying to you about it, rules or no rules. He won't disclose when he's messing around with other other-women, MIP, because it's not just the sex that turns him on. Sneaking around, getting away with it, deceiving you and his wife and his other other-women—all of that gives him a feeling of power and control, and those feelings are as, or more, important to him than the orgasms. Accept it or get out.
I need support under my scrotum in order to ejaculate. I am 52 years old, and this condition has gotten worse as I have gotten older. When I am having intercourse, I need a position that supports or raises my scrotum, and when I masturbate, I need to put something under it. Is this okay? Is there a solution to make coming during intercourse easier?
This Old Scrote
Before I touch on your sack, TOS, I'd like to briefly—very briefly—touch on George Rekers's. Rekers is a towering figure in the religious right. He's the cofounder of the Family Research Council; a member of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality, a group that claims it can cure homosexuality; and the go-to guy for "expert" testimony about how gay people threaten and endanger children. And last week, Rekers got busted coming back from a 10-day European vacation with a 20-year-old male escort he found on Rentboy.com. Rekers told two reporters from the Miami New Times that he "can't lift luggage," so what other choice did he have but to hire a 20-year-old with an eight-inch cock?
To mark the downfall of yet another crazy and hypocritical closet case, I propose that "whatever floats your boat" be immediately and permanently retired in favor of "whatever lifts your luggage." This will be George "Rentboy" Rekers's legacy, his lexi-colonic gift to the English language. Help spread the meme.
Back to you, TOS: First, talk about this with a doc—get your sack examined and your prostate checked. If there's nothing medically wrong, rest assured there's nothing wrong. Some guys have large, loose sacks and sensitive balls, and the slap, slap, slap of intercourse or masturbation can be uncomfortable, and lifting your luggage spares you the slap, slap, slap. Alternately, TOS, let's not forget that your dick, balls, sack, and taint compose one big erogenous zone. Lifting your luggage may provide you with a little bit of extra ball/sack/taint stimulation, added stimulation that helps put you over the top, and naturally you rely on that zap more at 52 than you did at 32. So instead of viewing your need for a ball lift as a problem that needs solving, why not view ball support as the solution to a problem. Or to put it another way...
Whatever lifts your luggage, TOS, whatever lifts your luggage.