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Sexy Psychos

June 8, 2000

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I'm stuck in a mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship with a total cunt. She's whaled on me before in drunken rages, but I've never hit her back because I just can't hit a chick. She's only a cunt when she's drunk, and that's only some of the time. The rest of the time she's a totally cool, sweet, funny, great person to be around--and extremely hot-looking and hot in bed. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hide, though--you never know when she's gonna snap and ruin the moment/night/week.

We've been going out for two years. All my friends (and hers!) are telling me to dump her. I should end it for my own sanity, but I keep thinking things will change. Plus the thought of being 32 and single sucks. She's going to counseling and things are a tad better, but she still goes nuts, and this roller coaster ride sucks. I'm not perfect, but I've bent over backwards to be a good guy and make this work. I want to get married and stuff someday, but not to a cunt who's going to make me happy/miserable for the rest of my life. So, what should I do?

Fucked-up Minneapolis Dude

Admit it: You would've dumped the, um, "cunt" months ago if she weren't "extremely hot-looking and hot in bed." But I feel your pain, FUMP, because once upon a time I fell in love with an extremely hot guy. His body? Like a rower. The sex? Like a porn-loop. His personality? Like, a problem. I put up with psychotic fits, childish temper tantrums, and furiously irrational jealousy--all to keep the sex coming. And you know what? It was worth it. All he had to do was take off his shirt, and Jesus Fuck Me Christ, I would've forgiven him for skinning my mother alive.

But one day I realized something. He was good-looking now, and he was great in bed now, but no one is good-looking forever, and the sex is never as hot after 20 years as it is after, say, two. One day he would be old and ugly, the sex would be predictable and passionless, and he would STILL be a fucking psycho. And even if I forgave him at the time, one day, when he was old and ugly, I would probably come to resent him for having skinned my mother.

So do what I did, FUMP, and dump the "cunt." Oh, she may be a hot-looking/hot-in-bed cunt right now, but one day she'll be a crap-looking/crap-in-bed cunt. Counseling, shmounseling: There's only so much a shrink can do to change a person. Sometimes a flaming asshole goes into therapy and comes out a smoldering asshole. Counseling can take the edge off, but take the edge off a psycho cunt and what have you got? At best a crazy bitch. The only thing you can count on her getting out of counseling is an expanded vocabulary. Ask yourself this: Do you wanna be this woman's boyfriend when psychobabble is another weapon she can use to whale on you?


I am a 21-year-old single lady and my sex life sucks. I've only had two orgasms from guys in my life. Jesus, most of these guys won't even make an effort to get me off! Any bit of advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

Tired of the Three-Pump Chump

Everyone's sex life sucks at 21, TOTTPC, so look on the bright side: Barring a spinal injury, things can't get any worse. Things can, however, quickly improve if you stop waiting for guys to make an effort and start insisting they do. Tell the next guy you sleep with that it's ladies first at your house, and if there's no orgasm for you, well, there's no pussy for him. I assure you he'll make the effort.

My current girlfriend tells me that I become erect too easily. This, she says, makes her reluctant to have sex because she never gets a chance to start things, and that turns her off. I do get hard pretty easily when we go to bed, kiss, cuddle, or even embrace--clothed or unclothed. I used to think this was normal. I hope you take this question seriously. This is causing stress in an otherwise good relationship.

Ever Ready

Tell your doesn't-know-a-good-thing-when-it's-poking-her-in-the-pooter girlfriend I said this: If she can't appreciate your ever-ready erection, well, there are plenty of women out there who can. And there are plenty of guys she could be dating instead of you, guys whose erections are rarely-if-ever-ready; perhaps she'd be happier with Rudy Giuliani (prostate cancer) or Bob Dole (erectile dysfunction). Hey, the Republican National Convention is coming up, and it's not too late for her to become a delegate.

I write in response to those namby-pambies who wrote to express moral outrage (jealousy) at your fine advice to that 18-year-old student. As a former teacher's assistant at a Big-10 university, I can assure everyone that you were correct in stating that fucking students is one of the few perks that comes with the job. And fuck them I did. My friends and I were popular (and respected) TAs, and we scored with hundreds of coeds. We never got in any trouble because we followed the one rule that everyone seems to have missed: Fuck your students AFTER they've taken your class. Thus, no conflict of interest.

To "Not Getting Any at Work," who thinks that students (18- to 22-year-olds) "look like babies, far too young even to be very sexually interesting (let alone intellectually interesting)": Let me explain how fucked up you are (you might want to stop jerking off to the latest edition of Sexy over Sixty magazine and listen). #1. This is about sex, not about some fantasy intellectual relationship. Savvy college-aged girls are into getting laid by desirable men and women (my lesbian TA friend was quite successful with the "bi-curious" straight gals). #2. Eighteen- to 22-year-old girls are absolutely radiant. No, I don't want to marry them, but the biological imperative operating here is undeniable. #3. If you think this kind of behavior doesn't go on, well, you're not in the right crowd. I'm now a professor in my mid-30s at a small liberal arts college, and guess what? My students still want to fuck me. Currently, I am in a relationship, heading toward marriage, with a woman my own age. She giggles when drunk girls say inappropriate things to me at school functions. For now, the coeds are safe at my small school. But should my girlfriend and I break up, my female students' well-coifed noggins will once again be slamming (gently) into my headboard.

Teaching Them a Thing or Two


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Dear Teaching Them a Thing or Two--

Wish you taught at my school. That is both hot and hilarious.
Posted by Olivia on March 7, 2009 at 1:37 PM · Report this
Harleyquinn 2
I totally agree :P
Posted by Harleyquinn on July 13, 2009 at 1:24 PM · Report this
Harleyquinn 3
I agree :P
Posted by Harleyquinn on July 13, 2009 at 1:33 PM · Report this
FUMP: DTMFA, unless you are prepared to see her through this. It's great that she is getting help, but you will only resent her in the long run if you give more than you feel you really can. I had a longtime friend who did crazy things when we were drunk and every single time I would forgive her, telling myself that it was just the alcohol. We're no longer friends, but I have a much better handle on my own life without her. Consider that staying in it might be a way of avoiding your own issues (as it was for me). With a crazy, drunk mess in your life, there is little room left over to handle your own problems. Just a thought.
Posted by not missing her anymore on July 15, 2009 at 9:40 AM · Report this
comments on old posts are great. fump is probably 41 and happily married by now. i'm not sure he needs the dtmfa talk. HOWEVER, since i know people will always be in abusive relationship, i offer my advice. DTMFAN. That's an extra N. For DUMP THE MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE NOW!

Here's why: being in an abusive relationship is the same as having a gambling addiction. Go to your local library and read the behavioral psychology chapter in a psych text book. In it, you will learn that random conditioning is the most powerful form of learning. What does that mean? It means that if the outcome for a psychologically neutral activity -- like hearing a bell, throwing dice, or living with someone -- can be made psychologically attractive with rewards -- like steak, money, or sex -- then people and dogs will show arousal around that activity and try to engage in it. If the reward is made random, the arousal becomes that much more powerful. Hence the rush of gambling addicts, and, sadly (when put backwards, with random punishments), the devotion of people in abusive relationships. It'll be hard and you may need help but get out.
Posted by beb on July 18, 2009 at 7:04 PM · Report this

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