No More Mr. Nice Guy

November 1, 2007

By Dan Savage

I am currently dating a guy who is nice, funny, has a good "dating résumé," i.e. never married, good job, no issues. I have a good time when we are together. The problem is that we have the most ridiculously boring sex. Super vanilla, totally predictable, and I never come. There's no foreplay, he rarely eats pussy, and when he does it's not good. It's totally frustrating, but other aspects of our relationship are ideal.

As a result of this unfortunate circumstance, I have started to have sex with my ex. He and I have the most incredible sex. It's kinky, delicious, and the most satisfying I've ever had in my life. He worships my pussy. He carries a pair of my panties in his pocket and just knowing this makes me want him even more. The reason our relationship ended, though, was that he's very committed to his job, which leaves little room for marriage. Thanks to my mini midlife crisis, I think I fucked up a good thing. I have someone now who I could be in a committed relationship with, but it's sexually unsatisfying and suddenly I could give a rat's ass about a "significant relationship."

The question I have for you is this: How much weight should a person put on good sex in a long-term relationship? I can't imagine having to masturbate for the rest of my life just to end up with Mr. Nice Guy. What should I do about this mess?

An Unmarried Woman

How much weight the average person should place on good sex in an LTR is irrelevant, AUW. The relevant question is how much weight you should put on good sex in your LTR. And your slutty, slutty actions of late reveal the answer: shitloads.

You're dating a nice, funny guy who treats you well—he's marriage material!—but the sex is so lousy you're cheating on him with your non-marriage-material ex. So what have we learned about ourselves in our current relationship, AUW? That you're the type of person who will cheat on a nice, funny guy if she feels deprived of good, hot sex. Therefore it would be in your best interest—and your future husband's best interest—to be with a guy who isn't merely nice and funny, but also good and hot. Wouldn't you agree?

So here's what you need to do about this mess: Provided you've told Mr. Nice Guy you're not satisfied, introduced him to a few of your kinks, and given him pointers on how you like your pussy eaten, all to no avail, then it's time to dump the motherfucker already. He needs to find a woman who isn't interested in hot sex, or thinks the sex he enjoys is hot, and marry her. If you're still interested in an LTR and your hot ex isn't, you need to stop fucking your ex and pour that energy into finding a nice, funny man who is marriage material and great in bed. They're out there.

I'm a 42-year-old gay man with a superhero fetish. Like a lot of fetishists my age, I assumed I was alone until the internet came along. I've since met several times with like-minded guys for costumed roughhousing and bondage. The first time I did it, it was incredibly hot, but since then, it's felt like something's missing. Even when they're sexy and friendly, it just feels lacking somehow. At times, I even feel a bit ridiculous. (Given that I'm a white-collar professional pretending to be a Lycra-suited crime fighter, I'm sure it's not much of a stretch to see why I feel silly.) So my question is this: Am I just being too uptight, or are there some fantasies that are better left to the imagination?

Part-Time Batman

Some fantasies are better left to the imagination, PTB, but yours hardly strikes me as one of them. A superhero/bondage fetish—always a combo platter, thanks to the frequency with which Lycra-clad superheroes are bound and gagged—is charming and harmless compared to some others. But if acting on your fantasies is making you miserable, PTB, don't act.

I have to say, though, that my superpowers detect a conflict between the person you are in your everyday life (white-collar professional) and the person you are in your erotic imagination (Lycra-clad superhuman), with the former viewing the latter as slightly ridiculous. Perhaps you'll feel better about acting on your fetish if you accept that there's nothing wrong with making yourself a bit ridiculous in pursuit of sexual pleasure. Everybody feels a bit ridiculous after sex, PTB, even if they're not washing spunk out of their Batman costume. Lighten up and enjoy.

Your advice to Auntie Mame last week is a pristine example of why I love your column, but I have a quibble! You ended that column by recounting a tragic death and issuing a stern rule: "Never leave a tied-up person alone, kids. It's dangerous and dumb."

To quote my little niece, that is SO unfair!

My boyfriend indulges in my love of bondage all the time. He's got a sweet face and you should see the muscles on this kid, Dan! They're exquisite, and they look even MORE exquisite with ropes all over them. I have a deck that's entirely surrounded by trees—no peeking possible—and sometimes I'll tie him to a chair or a post out there. And sometimes, once I have him secure, I'll take off—with him feigning outrage and straining to get loose. When I get back, after taking in a movie or doing some shopping, he's pumped from his struggling—and horny as hell! The lovemaking is pyrotechnic!

Are you really going to order me to give that up, just because two idiots managed to manslaughter somebody?

Sincerely Aspiring For Exemption

I won't order you to give that up, SAFE, provided you send me some pictures of your boyfriend tied up.

Nevertheless, it's not safe to leave a tied-up person alone. What if there's a fire while you're at the movies? What if while you're out shopping, the boyfriend panics, hyperventilates, passes out, and falls against the ropes in such a way that restricts his breathing? What if a rabid raccoon gets onto your deck and chews his dick off?

You and the boyfriend are free to decide if the risks you're running are worth the pyrotechnic sex you're having. You can take steps to minimize the risks—if he's not hooded or gagged, for instance, he's at less risk of asphyxiating—but leaving a tied-up person alone always involves an element of danger. If danger is part of the thrill, well, you're adults and you can do what you like. But let's be realistic about the risks and potential consequences—which can include manslaughter charges.

And I'm glad you appreciated my advice for Auntie Mame, who was concerned about how her brother is treating her swishy 5-year-old nephew. Not everyone did. Letters about my advice for Auntie Mame—and a few about drinking piss—are here. recommended

Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday.

mail@savagelove.net

Savage Love Extra

Responses to An Unmarried Woman

Tuesday 6, 2007

By 

[Read the original column here.]

Did I miss something here? Nowhere in An Unmarried Woman's letter did I read anything about how she's been trying to communicate her needs to boring-in-bed "Mr. Nice Guy."

Through the years, I've learned to communicate what feels good and when it's time to refocus attention to other areas of my body. If AUW isn't doing this, she's as much to blame for her lack of satisfaction as he is. MEN AREN'T MIND READERS!

And let me add one more thought about ending up with Mr. Nice Guy: You can have both at the same time, AUW. I was in a similar situation to yours: seeing a really great guy who wasn't doing it for me, while seeing another guy on the side who promised mind-blowing sex with no possibility of commitment. It finally came to a head when Mr. Nice Guy figured out what was going on. At that point I had to make a choice, and I decided that he was too important to me to sacrifice for hot sex. Lucky for me, he figured out that I was not satisfied with where we were in our relationship—maybe he was taking too much for granted.

The bottom line is that we remain together 10 years later, our commitment grows with each passing year, and I have never looked back with regret. By making the time to learn what each one enjoys, by being GGG (to the extent that we both need it), we both experience the mind-blowing climaxes that were not there at the beginning of the relationship. It takes a willing and motivated partner, along with your own willingness to share your needs and desires. And a sense of humor doesn't hurt, either!

Still Crazy After All These Years

Every time I start to write you a letter, I dig a little deeper in the archives and find my answer! This week's column, however, prompted me to write—if only to back you up 100 percent on your advice to An Unmarried Woman.

She sounds a LOT like me, and if I can help her not make the same mistake I did, it would make me feel like maybe my misery isn't all in vain. I married the "nice guy" who was boring in the sack. I got my white picket fence, etc., but the horny slut in me has been denied for a loooooong time. I'm this close to asking for a divorce, but with children in the mix, it's been a tough decision to come to. Anyway...

To AUW: DO NOT SETTLE! Take it from me: All the comfort and security in the world won't make up for a man who doesn't satisfy you in bed. Better to be alone than stuck in a shitty marriage. You will be miserable.

Gettin' A Lawyer

I am usually an admirer of your advice, but with An Unmarried Woman you got it wrong, big time, on so many levels. She's the one who complained that her boyfriend was perfect in every way except sexually, where he was too vanilla.

First, you didn't challenge AUW to ask whether she might be unsatisfying to him, only suggesting she show him how to be good to her. Isn't it possible the reason he didn't show interest in her is because she didn't do what he likes—or in fact simply isn't very good herself? For all you know, he might never have had really good sex in his whole life, including now, so he might not know what he's missing. Then again, since apparently he's so sensitive, he might simply be intimidated by her, afraid he can't handle her Ferrari-type sexual engine.

Second, you suggest that if she can't get him to improve she should leave him because sex is obviously important to her. Yet his "ideal" qualities are also obviously important. If she dumps him for a guy who's missing those, she might simply be exchanging her present problem for one where she's pining for everything but sex—equally unsatisfying.

Third, your suggestion that she go out and find a guy who does it all is, to say the least, pretty naive. I think almost anyone would agree that the people they know who are the greatest in bed are also not necessarily the ones they can tell their troubles to. Sure, AUW might find a guy who's better in bed than her present guy, but suggesting she'll find someone who fully satisfies her both sexually as well as her ex lover and emotionally as well as her bird in the hand is rather a flimsy basis for ending a relationship. You say guys who are both are "out there," but so are millionaires and guys who love ballroom dancing. It doesn't mean you should set your sights on them any more than a kid should plan to be a pro athlete. Choices have to be made. She's not going to have the best of both worlds.

K.D.

I just read your column for this week and your advice to An Unmarried Woman was dead on. While sex is not that important to some, it very much is to others and being married to someone who does not share your enthusiasm can be a heavy burden to bear.

Twenty-five years ago, when I was a virgin Christian lad, I married a beautiful Christian woman—also a virgin. I would sadly discover that she had no interest in sex—or at least had no interest in sex with me. Lest I misspeak, I should say she isn't completely sexless. During the honeymoon period of the first year, we scorched the sheets at least twice a month with unbridled missionary-position sex that would end with me pulling out of her due to her being uncomfortably dry and her saying, "It's okay, it will get better. We have lifetime for it to get better." After that whirlwind period, she settled into a nice, reliable quarterly routine of more missionary-position sex in the bedroom (sex in any other room would trigger her puritan morals), so I've had that to look forward to with each change of seasons.

Ms. AUW, run! Run now! Run as fast as you can and find someone who meets all of your needs, including the orgasmic and kinky ones. If the sex isn't good now while you are in the rush of the newness of the relationship, it will never get better. Living a quiet life of masturbation with someone who is boring in bed is not the solution. It's just sowing the seeds of discontent, seeds that will grow into a lifetime's worth of bitter feelings and potential adultery. Marry someone you love, someone who loves you back AND thinks indulging your kinky side is the best way to end the evening for the rest of your life.

Wasting Away In Spankeritaville

How come you didn't challenge An Unmarried Woman on her definition of a good "dating résumé," which included "never married" or "no issues"?! My marriage split up after only 18 months, very amicably and without a single hearing. Everything from the house to custody of the dog was negotiated in good faith and neither of us has tried to kill the other. As far as the latter is concerned, has there even been a person who didn't have issues? Like the proverbial sucker in a poker game, if you can't identify an issue, you are the issue. Maybe AUW's current official boyfriend doesn't know that he's a bad lay. Maybe she's faking her orgasms. Maybe she isn't going to find out by asking a sex columnist.

AUW should update her requirements to "understands fidelity" and "knows how to talk."

Divorced (With Issues) In NYC
 

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