Joe Newton

You neglect generic boy/girl/girl threesomes. My friends talk about them all the time, 'cuz they're the "Holy Grail" of sex for us straight guys. Here are some of our questions:

1. What is up with threesomes?

2. How do I arrange a threesome?

3. How do I get my girl to agree to a threesome, 'cuz she said "No way," but I still want to experience two girls at once before I die?

Okay, number three is a real question from me. And here's a follow-up:

4. Is it okay to cheat to fulfill this need?

Seeking Holy Ass Grail

I've neglected threesomes 'cuz they're about as controversial as brunch plans for us gay guys, SHAG. What can I say? We're discriminated against, damned to hell, and always seated next to distant gay relatives at Thanksgiving whom we having nothing whatsoever in common with save the cocksucking thing. On the plus side, for every straight couple out there arguing about threesomes, there are 10 gay couples having them.

But just because gay guys can have threesomes whenever we like—it was spit-roast that distant gay relative or listen to him talk about his kitchen remodel all night long—doesn't mean I should neglect the straight three-ways.

"Threesomes are undoubtedly the new 'Holy Grail' of sex," says Vicki Vantoch, author of The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three (Thunder's Mouth Press). "A recent ABC poll ranked threesomes as the most popular fantasy in America." (Outside of America the most popular fantasy begins with the engines falling off of Air Force One.)

"If SHAG's girlfriend is game," says Vicki, "he has to recruit a third. He can meet tri-curious women just about everywhere. But until he masters the three-way pickup, SHAG might want to try some of the easier meeting spots: internet personals—www.lifestylelounge.com, www.polymatchmaker.com—or erotic parties."

And if your girlfriend isn't game?

"Explore threesome fantasies in the bedroom," advises Vicki. "If SHAG starts telling his girlfriend about hot three-way action when she's really turned on, his girlfriend may develop a positive association between threesomes and orgasms." That or she'll dump your ass—but, hey, no risk, no getting rimmed and blown at the same time. "He might also break out some threesome-centric films: think Summer Lovers or Henry & June. If SHAG paves the way patiently, his girlfriend might discover her own three-way turn-on."

Once that happens, SHAG, broach the subject outside the bedroom. "He should bring it up when his relationship feels solid—not when they're annoyed with each other," Vicki adds. "Let her know that she's in the driver's seat: She would make the rules, choose the third, and you would agree to whatever limits she sets."

As for cheating, SHAG, Vicki is against it.

"Cheating is cheating," she says. "I'm guessing SHAG's girlfriend wouldn't be more forgiving because he cheated on her with two women, instead of just one."


My boyfriend and I found a guy who is bi like us and we've played a couple of times. But now, when things start to move in a threesome direction, he makes an excuse and leaves. How do we get back to the hot threesomes?

Wants Hot Action Again

"Maybe your bi third has been suddenly overwhelmed by gay shame or Catholic guilt," says Vicki. "Who knows?" Your bi third knows, WHAA, so ask him. "If you're going to make threesomes a habit," says Vicki, "you've got to get comfortable talking about this stuff. Take him out for coffee and lay it out for him." And if he isn't interested? "Don't despair," urges Vicki. "There are plenty of tri-curious fish in the sea."


I've been with my loving, adventurous boyfriend for two years. We're both in our 20s, but I've had more experience. In the beginning, I was honest about having been in a few threesomes. He was turned on by the idea and initially I encouraged him. However, as we became more emotionally involved, I decided that I couldn't share him. When I told him this, we got into a fight. He feels that he's missing out because we have a good, healthy, loving, stable relationship.

He won't let it go. The most I can tell him is that, should the circumstances be exactly right, then maybe. Considering the stars will likely never align themselves, his rehashing of the subject upsets me and gets us nowhere. How do I tell him that no he's not missing out, no I didn't lie to him, and please, darling, shut the fuck up.

Love Obligates Sexual Exclusiveness

"Telling your boyfriend he's not missing out isn't going to dampen his enthusiasm," says Vicki. "Plus, it's not true—he is missing out on threesomes, which are popular because they're hot!" Threesomes aren't for everybody, of course, "but it may be worth exploring your hang-ups. The idea that you can't share your boyfriend because you love him may be something you can't get over, but some couples find that having a threesome brings them even closer."

So what does Vicki think you should you do? "Tell your boyfriend that you need time to figure out if a three-way could work for you. Agree to revisit the discussion in three months—if he stops pushing."

Hm. I've been right there with Vicki until that last bit of advice. It seems clear that LOSE has no intention of having a three-way with her boyfriend today, three months from now, or ever. So telling the boyfriend it might happen if he could only shut up about it for a while seems a bit dishonest.

Hey, LOSE? You made your boyfriend a promise, you backed out, and he has a right to feel misled. For that, you owe him an apology. Period. Are you obligated to have a three-way? Of course not. But you need to shut the fuck up about planets that you know damn well aren't ever going to align. If being with you means never having a threesome, LOSE, tell him that now so he can make an informed choice about whether he wants to be with you at all.

I get a shitload of e-mail from folks—okay, mostly straight guys—who were promised regular oral, three-ways, bi action, visits to pro dommes, etc., during courtships only to be told, once they'd committed, that "love" nullified those offers. That sexual bait-and-switch bullshit destroys relationships, LOSE—even good, healthy, loving, stable relationships.


More advice from Vicki for the tri-curious at www.thestranger.com/savage/morethreesomes. And you can learn more about her book, The Threesome Handbook, at www.threesomehandbook.com. recommended


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