Big Love

December 6, 2007

By Dan Savage

Dan! I can't believe you wrote that response to Hawt And Royally Depressed! He wrote because his wife of 10 years had "let herself go." Men and women were hitting on him and he had to resort to stoning before he could be with her. You told this asshole to "be honest with her." Your version of "honest" was the verbal equivalent of hitting her with a sledgehammer! If what HARD says is true, it sounds like his wife is depressed or has health issues. HARD may have gotten his body into shape, but emotionally he is an immature mess!

Distressed & Disgusted

I didn't write that response to HARD. Not one skinny word of it. You see, D&D, two weeks before HARD's letter appeared in the column, I answered a letter from a gay guy with a fat boyfriend. Seeking A Solution, who described himself as outgoing and athletic, wasn't attracted to his boyfriend of three years. After describing himself as "stuck," "struggling," and on meds for anxiety, SAS told me I wasn't allowed to tell him to break up with or cheat on his fat boyfriend. So I advised SAS to drink heavily and warned him that sooner or later he would sabotage this relationship.

Readers—mostly female readers—were outraged: Before breaking up, before cheating, before drinking heavily, couldn't SAS try being honest? Why didn't I tell SAS to tell his boyfriend that the weight was a turn-off and that SAS was seriously thinking about ending the relationship if the boyfriend didn't lose those extra pounds? By not recommending a little honesty first—by pushing a breakup instead of a little heart-to-heart—I had revealed myself to be a cynical and heartless faggot.

HARD's letter arrived when I was sorting through all this outraged e-mail about SAS and I thought, "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I cobbled together a response for this hetero HARD from all this advice these women sent in for this sissy SAS?" The advice you read in this space for HARD—all about being honest and open (including those now-infamous conversation starters like, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?")—was written by my female readers. All I did was change the pronouns from male to female.

And guess what? It turns out that honesty—at least when we're talking about a woman's fat ass—isn't the best policy after all. Honesty about a partner's premature and avoidable physical deterioration is only fit for faggots, it seems. So what should HARD tell his wife? My outraged readers weigh in:

Your advice to HARD was WAY off. I'm a firm believer in truthful, open communication, but not in this area. I have a friend who dumped her boyfriend because he told her she had gotten too fat. We all hate him now for saying that. HARD should approach her gently, say absolutely nothing about not being attracted to her, and play the "I'm concerned only about your health and well-being" card.

If he takes your advice and tells her she needs to shape up or he's shipping out, hopefully she will muster the self-respect to dump him—just like my friend dumped her asshole ex-boyfriend who was "just being honest."

An Angry Fat Girl

Gotcha, AAFG—HARD should play the "health and well-being" card. Righto.

I'm sure you've been slammed plenty for the advice you gave to HARD, so I'll keep it short: Don't EVER tell someone to "bring up the health thing," as you did in your response.

Each and every one of us fatties soon learns that this is code for "I think you're disgusting but I'm not allowed to say that so I'll just pretend I'm concerned." All kinds of people—distant aunts, strangers on the subway, siblings' one-night-stands—who don't bat an eyelash at your smoking like a fish or drinking like a chimney are suddenly so concerned about your well-being. Which is why most of us fatties react very badly to anyone bringing it up. Honesty is good, but "bringing up the health thing" is not really helping since a fat person equates it with dishonesty.

You're No Health Guru

Gotcha, YNHG—don't bring up the health thing. Righto.

A man should be honest with his wife, Dan, but telling a woman she is fat and unattractive and that if she doesn't lose weight he will leave is NOT sound advice. It will only cause her to spiral out of control. Instead, HARD should talk to his wife about exercising together and make a healthy food plan.

What Were You Thinking

Gotcha, WWYT—a man should be honest with his wife. Except about her premature and avoidable physical deterioration, the impact this is having on their sex life, and about how he's seriously contemplating adultery or divorce. About those trifles, a man should keep his counsel. Just encourage her to exercise and make a healthy food plan. Righto.

I speak from experience when I say that there is nothing HARD can tell his wife that she doesn't already know. And while I'm all for honesty, there are times when it equates to cruelty. Moreover, offering to lift weights together or create a food plan, etc., will only humiliate his wife. Here's what he can do: Since he loves his wife and since their relationship is more than skin deep, he can acknowledge that even though she's lost her attractiveness, she still deserves to be treated with love, tenderness, and affection. He can support anything she tries to do about it without judging her if it doesn't work.

PG

Gotcha, PG—love and support, no criticism or judgment, no offers to exercise together, no healthy food plan, and no griping if nothing changes. Righto.

I have to agree with what you said to HARD—and I'm speaking from the other side of the thin-fat relationship. While my wife is still at the weight she was when we married, I had packed on over 100 pounds. She finally brought up the effect this was having on our love life. It wasn't a pleasant talk but I'm trying to lose weight and am having some success. I'm 25 pounds lighter now thanks to her honesty (and a heart scare). Being fat is a health and relationship problem, and our spouses need to speak up and be honest with us.

Getting Thinner

Yes, GT, but a spouse should only be honest when the fat spouse is male, the honest spouse is female, and—shit, we're out of room. For tons more about HARD—including the actual advice I sent HARD privately—go to www.thestranger.com/savage/hard. recommended

Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

 

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1
I just came back from Carribana from watching a woman in size-possibly-28 panties, with one hand firmly gripping a take-out tray, with the other hand firmly on a chicken thigh, and with her mouth full and chewing, rattle her trunk of junk.

Let me tell ALL you sentimentalists: Just because you don't have a dick doesn't mean you deserve unconditional support from all onlookers. Save it for people who explicitly says they like you for who you are, and don't expect ALL of us to cheer you on when you are 5'4", weigh 265 lbs, and looking "FAB-U-LOUS!".

We moderately healthy people are entitled to our opinions.
Posted by aelka on August 4, 2009 at 12:04 PM · Report
2
I've noticed a little of the reverse. I recently (in the last year) lost just under 30 pounds because I wanted to be helathier and yeah, maybe wanted to fit into some other clothes to look better. I had a tough enough time with other women telling me "oh, you don't need to lose weight." Uh, maybe in their opinion, but I did it for me. Now, I'm not on a diet, but I am trying to keep healthier choices so I don't gain the weight back.

I've had people who were "worried about me" say that I need to be careful not to lose anymore weight. Look, I still like food, so there's no way I'm EVER gonna be anorexic, and my dislike for vomit helps head off bulemia. I KNOW my BMI and all that stuff, and I know the range of weight that is healthy for my frame, and know for certain not to go lower than a certain weight. I still see scales occasionally and check to make sure.

I passed my goal weight, but I can lose some more and still be healthy. I can also feel sexier. So I don't mind losing a couple more.

Here's the thing: I've been insulted by bigger women that I'm a "skinny bitch" who doesn't know what they go through so should never even MENTION that I lost weight. Hey, I don't mention it unlessed asked and I don't brag. Hell, my partner is overweight (though she is getting in better shape because she feels she wants to keep up with me) and I think she's GORGEOUS. I think big IS beautiful, but I think SHE is more beautiful now because of the effort she puts out (just like Dan's Hubby) and will continue to love her no matter size because she is TRYING for ME. That's sweet, and I don't deserve it, because all my trying was entirely selfish. But she loves me. Not to mention I'm happy that she's getting healthier because healthier means she'll live longer and I get to keep her longer.

But I feel sometimes like the sides are changing on weight. Women, just because you are big and another woman is little doesn't mean she always was or that you should get on her case for trying to better herself. Maybe she DID have a hard time losing weight like you, or maybe she is a lucky one who loses easily. But if you want to be respected for how you choose to keep your body, respect other women for how they choose to keep their own.

(Note: I still respect anorexics and bulemics, but I just don't get it... And it IS a health problem that requires help. So can being overweight, but mildly overweight seems to be less dangerous than "mildly anorexic" in my opinion, since anorexia is, well, starving...hard to explain... )
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Posted by thoughtful ATM on October 19, 2009 at 7:24 PM · Report
3
Hey Dan, thanks for this. It is important to tell your partner when their weight affects your attraction.
I recently had an almost opposite encounter with my boyfriend. He is on the larger side, 240 pounds, and told me he wanted to lose weight. Outwardly I said "That's great, babe!", Inwardly I was going "Wait--How much weight are we talking here?"
I like people on the chubbier side, but was afraid of being seen as purely into him for his weight or as a barrier between him and his health, so I didn't say anything. I want him to be healthy and live with me for a long time. But I like how he looks.
After reading your columns, I decided to tell him how I felt truthfully. He admitted while he did want to be healthier, he mostly wanted to lose weight because he thought I would find him more attractive if he lost weight.
We've since decided on some middle ground, a weight that will make him healthier... But still give me the chubby man I want.
Thanks Dan.
Posted by Thankful on November 29, 2009 at 8:37 PM · Report
4
Why are women in such denial on this issue? Sex with an attractive mate is a basic need for the average person. Every partner has a right to expect that their partner will make a reasonable effort to fufill their basic needs. To demand mahogany from your partner while refusing to put in a reasonable effort to meet their needs is in essence cruel and inhumane - not much different than denying love, food, water, shelter, etc.

I am 53, male, with 12% body fat. I workout 3+ times a week and look 10 years younger than my age. My wife, on the other hand has been seriously obese (35+ BMI) for 21 of our 23 years of marriage. Over the years I tried everything to motivate her make a real effort to deal with her weight issue. But as other women have so aptly demonstrated here, there is NO way to approach this with them... and that is a real shame.

My wife is now having the enevitable health problems - knees failing, arches in the feet going, major back pain, blood clotting issues, and now heart irregularites. Two years ago she almost died in my arms from a pulmonary embolism. Two months ago, I again rushed her the the ER with heart irregularites that threaten to become chronic if she doesn't loose weight.

So a question to defensive women everywhere: What do you think it does to those who love you and whom you supposedly love when you force them to watch you destroy yourself over something so totally unnecessary? What does it do to them to watch you in pain, to see you gasping in the ER... and to force them to deal with your self-imposed health crises over and over? IT KILLS THEM INSIDE... that is what. I know - I have lived that life.

So please... get over your defensiveness, recognise that your health and appearence is a legitimate concern of your mate and you have a responsibility to deal with it without being defensive. If you truly love your mate (and your children) don't put them through what my wife has put me through.

For me, I am finally to the final act. Marriage counseling and then divorce if that fails to budge her. I have come to the realization that no one has the right to drag their partner into such an unnecessary and hellish future... and I'm refusing to go down that path anymore. I love her - but love is a two-way street.
More...
Posted by Punky on December 24, 2009 at 10:42 AM · Report

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