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Swimming in Pussy

March 27, 2008

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Joe Newton

When I was in my teens to mid-20s, I fought a burgeoning weight problem. My heaviest was 235 pounds on a 5-foot-10 frame. Now I watch what I eat and I work out. I have a six-pack. And here's my problem: I get too much attention from women. When I was out of shape, women paid attention, but not as much. Now, if I wanted to, I could get all the pussy I wanted. Single pussy, married pussy, all-different-color pussy.

Is it normal for a guy to turn down so much of the pussy that gets pitched at him? I am a tall Asian guy, six foot one, 165 pounds, cut and lean, 32 but look 28. But I like to go after the hard-to-get pussy. The easy pussy that gets thrown at me, I'm not interested in. What's wrong with me?

Lost In Pussy Land

Besides not enclosing a few dozen pictures with your e-mail, there's nothing wrong with you that I can tell, LIPL. More pussy gets tossed your way than gets tossed into a Dumpster behind a vet's office—good for you. Why isn't that slow-pitch pussy turning you on? Maybe you like to work harder for your pussy, LIPL, or maybe you're not a catcher (as the gays say), or maybe you're an arrogant douchebag who likes to brag to gay sex-advice columnists about all the pussy he isn't banging for whatever reason. Or, geez, maybe you're just turned off by sexually aggressive women—and that's fine. No one is obligated to be into sexually aggressive women (they certainly leave me cold). But you might want to look into your heart—it's that tiny, undeveloped muscle beneath your left pec—to make sure you're not a dumbassmotherfucker turned off by sexually aggressive women because he believes "good" women don't or shouldn't have sexual desires or agency.

Oh, and speaking of sexually aggressive women: Did you catch Abigail Van Buren's advice column last Monday? (That woman—she's the Johan Fucking Santana of pussy pitchers.) Now, I generally try to avoid policing the work of other advice professionals—life's too short to read Jamie "Get Naked" Bufalino—but I'm going to make an exception. In her March 17 column, Abby responded to a man whose wife was seduced, in the middle of the night, by one of his three brothers. The man's wife doesn't know she had sex with one of her brothers-in-law, and the husband doesn't know what to do about it. Abby suggested that his wife may have had an "inkling that it wasn't [her husband] that crept into her bed" that night, and recommended that her correspondent demand "chapter and verse" from his wife before packing her off to the docs for an STI screening.

Feminist bloggers were outraged—a highly unusual occurrence—because the only correct response, according to Jezebel.com, was something along the lines of, "Your wife was raped! Kill your brothers—all three of them! Now! NOW!!!"

The problem with Jezebel's reaction is this: That woman wasn't raped, because that woman doesn't exist. Regular Savage Love readers are schooled in the art of spotting bullshit letters. So here's the letter, kids—let's see if you can spot the clues:

"I am 27, and my wife, 'Marybeth,' is 26. We recently went to my folks' house for supper. That evening, a heavy snowstorm was starting and... we decided to stay overnight. My old bedroom is upstairs, as are the rooms of my brothers, ages 25, 24, and 22. The guest room is downstairs. [Because] Marybeth said she felt a cold coming on; we decided I'd sleep in my old room. The next day, while we were driving home, Marybeth told me she was glad I had come to her room after all and made love to her. Abby, it wasn't me! She had mistaken one of my brothers for me in the darkness. We are all about the same size and build."

Okaaaay, Savage Love readers, let's pause here. How do we know this is a fake? Well, for starters, there are the ages of the protagonists: 27 and 26. Not 37 and 36, not 67 and 66, but 27 and 26. Fake letters about sexual scenarios always involve the young and presumably hot, never the old and presumably average. Next, there's the cascading set of circumstances that are, as is typical with fakes, utterly beyond the control of the letter's author: a snowstorm, a cold coming on, a far-off guest room. And all of his brothers were at Mom and Dad's for dinner that night, too. Or they all still live at home. And they're all in their 20s.

Now back to the letter:

"I have talked to each of my brothers (they all know about this), but they won't say who it was for fear of causing a rift... I told them that unless I find out who it was, there will be a permanent rift between all of us. (Marybeth still doesn't know it wasn't me.) How do I handle this?"

How does he handle this? With his right hand wrapped around his cock, that's how. And how does an advice professional handle this? With the delete key, Abby.

Huge numbers of straight men fantasize about their wives cheating on them with coworkers, siblings, sports teams, governors of New York, etc. Any advice columnist who runs letters that touch on sexual issues has to be cognizant of that. And when someone seeking advice spins out an improbable set of circumstances that literally climaxes with the realization of a thoroughly common male fantasy (cuckolding), well, that should set an advice professional's bullshit sensors flashing.

So, Jezebel, let's not get too worked up about the "rape" of this man's wife. Repeat after me: She wasn't raped, because she doesn't exist. That letter in Dear Abby was the work of a cuckold fetishist or cuckold wannabe. Yes, yes: Abby took the letter seriously, accepted its premise, and her answer was a bit clueless. (As was your credulousness, Jezebel.) But calling for Abby's resignation while Jamie Bufalino still has a column? Puh-leeze.

I just wanted to respond to the letters in your column from TALI and CPAC, gay teenagers being mistreated at home and school. I think it's very important to let your young gay readers know that there is support out there. The Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org) has a hotline (1-866-4-U-TREVOR) for kids contemplating suicide or who just need someone to talk to. The GLBT National Help Center (www.glnh.org) has a large database of gay and lesbian organizations. And finally, your readers can check out the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth (www.outproud.org).

And to TALI and CPAC and all the other gay and lesbian youth out there, remember that this is temporary. My brother came out in high school and went through hell. He's in his 30s now, he has two degrees, he's traveled all over the world, and he has many friends and loved ones.

Proud Of My Baby Brother

Thanks for sharing, POMBB. There's a lot more advice from Savage Love readers for TALI and CPAC and other gay teenagers at www.thestranger.com/savage/gayteens.

Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.


mail@savagelove.net

 

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Comments (7) RSS

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1
I like Savage's subtle method of calling LIPL out on his bull shit letter. Smooth
Posted by SigfriedtheIII on November 23, 2008 at 6:00 PM · Report this
2
"Besides not enclosing a few dozen pictures with your e-mail, there's nothing wrong with you that I can tell" except that you are full of shit! I love it! Great job, as always, Dan!
Posted by icy on September 2, 2009 at 4:02 PM · Report this
3
haha, I'm pretty sure I read an erotic story with the EXACT same wording as the Dear Abby letter. And if it wasn't the same thing, it was close enough.
Posted by Route42 on October 29, 2009 at 9:50 PM · Report this
4
Sorry this is old, but I'd like to point out that you know this letter, the one about the fat man gone hot, is a fake, because he started off at 5'10" and after losing the weight he's 6'1". I'd like to gain a few inches by rearranging my weight.

Also, maybe the reason he (in this imaginary scenario) doesn't like all the pussy he's getting is because he knows that a few months ago, before the weight loss, none of these women would talk to him. Maybe he feels resentment towards the fact that even though he feels the same inside, it has taken an inordinate amount of effort to be seen as "worthy" by women who wouldn't give him the time of day before. Maybe, while caving to the conventions of what makes a good looking person, he finds he doesn't appreciate such an overt demonstration of what modeling himself after these conventions can get him.
Posted by Mehdi Rifai on April 29, 2011 at 12:47 PM · Report this
5
Sorry this is old, but I'd like to point out that you know this letter, the one about the fat man gone hot, is a fake, because he started off at 5'10" and after losing the weight he's 6'1". I'd like to gain a few inches by rearranging my weight.

Also, maybe the reason he (in this imaginary scenario) doesn't like all the pussy he's getting is because he knows that a few months ago, before the weight loss, none of these women would talk to him. Maybe he feels resentment towards the fact that even though he feels the same inside, it has taken an inordinate amount of effort to be seen as "worthy" by women who wouldn't give him the time of day before. Maybe, while caving to the conventions of what makes a good looking person, he finds he doesn't appreciate such an overt demonstration of what modeling himself after these conventions can get him.
Posted by Mehdi Rifai on April 29, 2011 at 12:56 PM · Report this
Azul 6
Mehdi Rifai, you didn't read carefully: he was 5'10" sometime during his teens or mid-twenties; now he is 32. Growing 3 inches over that time frame sounds normal to me. We don't know how long it took him to lose the weight -- could have been over the course of a year or more.
Posted by Azul on May 4, 2011 at 12:11 AM · Report this
SlimJimPoisson 7
Ironically, I think that the letter from LIPL is more clearly a fake than the one sent to Dearest Abby.

However, it is interesting to go from zero to hero in no time flat. Like becoming famous or suddenly getting rich, I moved to China last year and the attention I get from women here is sometimes unnerving. I have always had a wife/girlfriend and compared to many I have done OK in the dating circle, but I have never gotten that kind of attention before. It made me understand the confliction that any decent person undergoes when they realize the advantage that they have. I try to be nice to these girls without leading them on. It's also difficult to tell who might really like you for you from those who want you for whatever crazy reason is rattling around in their brain.
Posted by SlimJimPoisson on November 14, 2011 at 6:51 AM · Report this

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