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Macho Drama
December 2, 2010
+ Enlarge this Image
Joe Newton
I'm a 21-year-old woman with bi-curious tendencies who's been in a committed relationship for four years. He's sweet and kind. We share a lot of interests and get along very well. Thing is, I don't know if I'm meant to be in a committed relationship. For the past year and a half, I've been thinking about what things would be like with another man. I also frequently imagine what it might be like to sleep with another girl. In fact, whenever I'm masturbating, I get more excited by lesbian scenarios than straight scenarios—although I've never been able to come. I've never experienced an orgasm. But that's another can of worms.
I'm open to the possibility of a threesome, but my boyfriend isn't. He's completely against the idea. From the start, I've never hidden the fact that I've never reached orgasm, and he's never created any macho drama about that.
I've slowly come to the realization that I'm no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend. I don't have the motivation to improve our sex life anymore. I just go through the motions. At the same time, my boyfriend remains my best friend, and I'm not willing to give up my best friend over sex. I want to keep him in my life, as he is my most important source of emotional support.
Have My Cake
You can have your current boyfriend, HMC, at the price of a lousy and uninspired sex life with a guy who doesn't give a shit about your pleasure—excuse me, a partner who hasn't created a lot of "macho drama" about the fact that you've never had an orgasm and isn't interested in helping you realize your fantasies—or you can find a new boyfriend and/or girlfriend and perhaps discover that orgasms are easier to come by when you're with someone who (1) turns you on, and (2) gives a shit about your pleasure, and (3) hasn't come to symbolize the death of sexual possibility.
Giving up the current boyfriend means you'll have to find a new emotional tampon—excuse me, a new "source of emotional support"—but that's a price that you should be willing to pay, HMC, particularly at your age.
And if you don't want to find yourself boyfriendless and bestfriendless ever again, HMC, in the future keep those roles separate.
I'm a 26-year-old heterosexual male in a relationship with a 25-year-old female. I'm her first boyfriend. She's never had an orgasm that wasn't self-induced. I've asked her multiple times what I can do to try to get her off, but she doesn't really have anything to tell me. There's a lot of trial and error going on. I feel like I'm kind of flying blind. Help please?
This Question Again
If she can get herself off, TQA, then she should be able to get herself off while you assist. Let her get herself off while you watch, while you hold her, while you suck on her tits, while she sits on your face. Gradually work your way up to her getting herself off while you're inside her.
Don't make the "macho drama" mistake of viewing the orgasms she self-induces while you're there as somehow deficient or dysfunctional. The more you can relax and enjoy the orgasms she's self-inducing now—the more you can both relax and enjoy them—the sooner she'll be able to relax, enjoy, and, perhaps, transition to orgasms induced by someone else/someone else's dick.
If you want that someone else/someone else's dick to be you/yours, TQA, then don't be an impatient, insecure, macho drama queen about the way she's capable of having orgasms now.
I am a woman who is with the love of her life. I enjoy sex immensely but have begun to fake orgasms because it hurts him that he is not making me come. I believe the obstruction is psychological. I am self-conscious about my body and can only come using a vibrator while looking at pictures of women with nice boobs. I fantasize that I am both the woman in possession of these assets and the person lusting after her. I am certain of my sexual orientation: I did quite a bit of experimenting with beautiful women, but they did nothing for me. Any insights?
Breasts On Other Babes
Stop faking, BOOB, and start incorporating your vibrator and your fantasies into the sex you're having with the boyfriend. Your boyfriend needs to talk a boob-esteem-building blue streak while you fuck—he needs to tell you how hot your breasts are, how much they turn him on—and you need to use your vibrator on yourself and fantasize aloud about the assets you've got and the assets you lust after while you two are fucking.
You know what works for you, BOOB, you just have to risk sharing it with the love of your life.
I am an 18-year-old straight girl. I am also a virgin. After my 18th birthday, I bought a small vibrator. I love it—it's completely changed masturbation and I reached orgasm for the first time. However, I'm worried about developing a dependence on it. Should I hold off on using it until I get some real experience?
Teen With A Tech
Enjoy your vibrator, TWAT, and enjoy those orgasms—but mix it up. Masturbate with your vibrator and without; see how worked up you can get through fantasy alone; get yourself close to the edge and finish yourself off with your hand; experiment with nonvibrating, inanimate sex toys. And when you start having sexual experiences with nonvibrating, animate sex toys (boys), don't be shy about introducing them—or their genitals—to your vibrator. Dicks are just big clits, TWAT, and vibrators can work wonders on dicks, too.
I am in college and in a super-fantastic relationship. We have fun together and we have great sex. However, he doesn't orgasm when I blow him or give him a handjob. He says he's never been able to come from blowjobs or handjobs. I don't mind going straight to vaginal intercourse after blowing him for a bit, although I sometimes encourage him to finish himself off and ejaculate in my mouth. It's not like I'm offended; I'd just like to get him there.
I have a tiny mouth and tiny hands—could that be the problem? He says it doesn't have anything to do with me. He just plateaus. HOW DO I SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, DAN? Is our sex life condemned to, God forbid, just vaginal intercourse?
Barely Licking Over Wide Junk Of Boyfriend
What's the opposite of macho drama? Vulvo drama?
Look, BLOWJOB, if you're both giving and receiving oral, and giving and receiving handjobs, then you haven't been "condemned" to "just" vaginal intercourse. You're having all kinds of sex—it's just that he requires something very specific in order to get off. If there are times when you want to mess around without being fucked, or times when you're not up for vaginal intercourse, just get him as close as you can and let him finish himself off with his hand.
Your boyfriend is orgasmic, BLOWJOB—THERE'S NO PROBLEM HERE TO SOLVE.
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1
Does anyone ever get the impression that most of the letters that Dan prints must come from people who've never read the column, because, if they had, they would know the answers to the questions they send?
How many "I can't come," "I can't make my boyfriend/girlfriend come," "my boyfriend/girlfriend is upset that he/she can't make me come," etc. questions do we have to deal with?
Sorry - I'm very cranky today. I can't come.
How many "I can't come," "I can't make my boyfriend/girlfriend come," "my boyfriend/girlfriend is upset that he/she can't make me come," etc. questions do we have to deal with?
Sorry - I'm very cranky today. I can't come.
3
OMG i'm first.
I'm sure for the time I post I won't be anymore.
And I have a question.
"Dicks are just big clits, TWAT, and vibrators can work wonders on dicks, too."
Are you talking on experience? I've thought of buying one, just for fun. And that statement excites me.
I'm sure for the time I post I won't be anymore.
And I have a question.
"Dicks are just big clits, TWAT, and vibrators can work wonders on dicks, too."
Are you talking on experience? I've thought of buying one, just for fun. And that statement excites me.
5
I feel like I have been in all of the above situations and now, at age 28 happily married with two kids, I'm finally having non-vibrator induced orgasms with my seriously awesome husband. It took a lot of years, talking, experimenting and GGGing.
It helps that we're both long-time Savage readers.
It helps that we're both long-time Savage readers.
6
There are guys who want MFM threesomes but without any kind of homo contact, and there exist straight guys and lesbians. As I can't seem to understand how men or women would like clits, I pretty much understand there is people who don't want threesomes, especially knowing there are actually many gay couples that wanna stay that way.
7
My sex life improved immensely when I learned to think of stuff like this not as "issues" but as individual quirks and preferences. For fuck's (literally) sake, just enjoy yourself!
8
@1 exactly. After reading the column for a few years I can almost anticipate what dan's response will be to these types of questions.
11
The problem that BLOWJOB is obsessing over is one that I have as well- my cock just isn't that sensitive. I can get off with a wank, but my wife can't get me there my hand or mouth. (It has the added benefit of giving me a lot of stamina, though, so it's not all bad.)
As for the guy who doesn't want a threesome- maybe he just doesn't want to mess up a great relationship by including someone else in it? Unless you can detach your emotions from sex and view the third person as a playmate and nothing more (which most people can't really manage), there is going to be some emotional impact that will affect the couple. Sounds like it's headed down the tubes anyway, though...
As for the guy who doesn't want a threesome- maybe he just doesn't want to mess up a great relationship by including someone else in it? Unless you can detach your emotions from sex and view the third person as a playmate and nothing more (which most people can't really manage), there is going to be some emotional impact that will affect the couple. Sounds like it's headed down the tubes anyway, though...
12
HaveMyCake doesn't have to start by dumping her clueless boyfriend. She could tell him that her goal for the new year is to figure out how to have an orgasm, and he can either come along for the ride or not. Also, she wants to sleep with someone else, yet to be determined. He can come along for that too, or not.
Maybe he'll be cool with the whole thing, and support her, and maybe he'll even open up about what turns him on... Or maybe he'll walk (and she'll see that he wasn't really supporting her before, he was just controlling her).
She won't be any worse off than she is now, and she will be on the road to improving things greatly.
Then, to put her New Year's resolution into action, she should get herself a couple of vibes (one a Hitachi) and read a couple of sexy stories on literotica each day.
Maybe he'll be cool with the whole thing, and support her, and maybe he'll even open up about what turns him on... Or maybe he'll walk (and she'll see that he wasn't really supporting her before, he was just controlling her).
She won't be any worse off than she is now, and she will be on the road to improving things greatly.
Then, to put her New Year's resolution into action, she should get herself a couple of vibes (one a Hitachi) and read a couple of sexy stories on literotica each day.
13
I dunno Dan, vibrators don't seem to do anything for my dick other than feel a little numb.
Also, BLOWJOB, there are probably just as many guys out there who can't get off from a woman's (good or lousy) handjob or blowjob as women who can't get off from a guy's (equally good or lousy) fingering or cunnilingus.
Also, BLOWJOB, there are probably just as many guys out there who can't get off from a woman's (good or lousy) handjob or blowjob as women who can't get off from a guy's (equally good or lousy) fingering or cunnilingus.
14
Funny, I could be BOOB (gets off alone but not partnered, has a quasi-narcissistic boob fetish) and my boyfriend could be BLOWJOB's (doesn't come from blowjobs or handjobs). Except neither of us is terribly troubled by this. How we are sexually is how we are... as long as we're both enjoying ourselves, where's the problem? I am working to increase my range and learn to come with a partner, but stressing out about it would be pretty counter-productive.
15
I think HMC should also be reassured that there are literally billions of men in the world who would lose no sleep whatsoever over her lack of orgasm.
Where could she get the idea that any guy would be upset? I blame those Twilight movies. Sheesh.
Where could she get the idea that any guy would be upset? I blame those Twilight movies. Sheesh.
16
@ 3 "I've thought of buying one..."
A dick? A clit? Or a vibrator? Which one--and where do you shop?
A dick? A clit? Or a vibrator? Which one--and where do you shop?
18
Dan's advice to TWAT is spot on.
I would add, good for her for getting a vibe and starting to play with herself before being sexually active with partners. Knowing how you work is key to making it work with others. Enjoy the toys.
I would add, good for her for getting a vibe and starting to play with herself before being sexually active with partners. Knowing how you work is key to making it work with others. Enjoy the toys.
19
I have a dear friend, blowjob, who swore he would marry the first girl who could get him off with oral. It's not as easy as it seems and it only gets harder with age and more experienced partners. If he's satisfied, let it be. If he's not, then try talking about what you could do to make it better. And know, if it were really that bad, he wouldn't be hard, much less begging for what really rocks his...um...rocks.
20
It's a little unfair to call it "macho drama". Sometimes it is. But sometimes it's just a partner who would love to feel like they are giving just as much pleasure as they receive. And it can be very frustrating.
On the other hand, the only solution is to relax and try new things. Freaking out only makes things worse. The more it seems like you're trying, the less likely it is to work. Eventually you find the way, or you don't and move on.
On the other hand, the only solution is to relax and try new things. Freaking out only makes things worse. The more it seems like you're trying, the less likely it is to work. Eventually you find the way, or you don't and move on.
21
And to bring this around to one of Dan's hobbyhorses, many guys worry that if they aren't keeping their girlfriends satisfied the girlfriend will either a) leave him or b) marry him and then immediately stop having sex with him. The first is painful but okay; the second is a big problem.
22
Apparently anyone you don't FUCK but have a relationship with is an "emotional tampon." I'll be sure to let my friends and family know. Matter of fact -- not sure why I'm wasting my time on any of them. If we don't FUCK, then what's the point?
23
My boyfriend has macho drama over the fact that I can't come during vaginal intercourse, even if he's hitting all the right places! For some sick reason, my clit doesn't feel right when he's inside me, and he's often complained about how it's like his fingers do nothing. He also gets annoyed at how sore his wrists get in getting me of via masturbation, despite the fact that I spent 45 minutes on him in order to give him his first successful oral-induced orgasm. The lesson is that love and patience can over come even the most annoying sexual problem.
24
Dan is full of shit in his response to HMC. I mean, Christ, a guy can't win. If he's unhappy that his girl can't get off, then he's accused of being insecure, or making her self-conscious or feel ashamed. But if he leaves it alone, then he's accused of "not giving a shit about [her] sexual pleasure". Fuck that noise.
Maybe we should agree that ALL PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ORGASMS, whether they're men or women? And that if a woman hasn't figured out how to get off, maybe it's her responsibility to decide whether that's a problem, not his? And that part of being an adult is not expecting another person to figure out your body for you?
Having said that, @20 is bang on. It's not "macho drama" to feel frustrated when you can't get your partner off (or if when they get off it's not that great for them, and can only happen in a very specific position, neurotic neurotic neurotic, etc.). People who can get off easily and consistently are usually more fun in bed, and anyone who wants to be fun in bed should figure that shit out.
Maybe we should agree that ALL PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ORGASMS, whether they're men or women? And that if a woman hasn't figured out how to get off, maybe it's her responsibility to decide whether that's a problem, not his? And that part of being an adult is not expecting another person to figure out your body for you?
Having said that, @20 is bang on. It's not "macho drama" to feel frustrated when you can't get your partner off (or if when they get off it's not that great for them, and can only happen in a very specific position, neurotic neurotic neurotic, etc.). People who can get off easily and consistently are usually more fun in bed, and anyone who wants to be fun in bed should figure that shit out.
25
TQA -- I've been there! For several months, actually, the only time I ever orgasmed with my boyfriend was when I did it myself. But:
(a) he loved watching me
and
(b) I learned to love the extra stimulation from him after a few tries
so that was fun for a long time, and eventually, yeah, sometimes I orgasm in other ways now too. I still quite like my hand, though.
So I advise you to learn to love watching her get off, and be patient with that (let her take as long as she needs to; if she stops and says it isn't working, just accept that and keep enjoying her company). The transition takes time, but it can be worth it.
(a) he loved watching me
and
(b) I learned to love the extra stimulation from him after a few tries
so that was fun for a long time, and eventually, yeah, sometimes I orgasm in other ways now too. I still quite like my hand, though.
So I advise you to learn to love watching her get off, and be patient with that (let her take as long as she needs to; if she stops and says it isn't working, just accept that and keep enjoying her company). The transition takes time, but it can be worth it.
28
Re: Have My Cake -- Easy there, Dan. You did read the part of her letter where she says "...I've never been able to come. I've never experienced an orgasm"...right? She made that pretty clear. Twice. Unless you edited out the words "with him" -- twice -- you are accusing him of not giving a shit, when the reality is she hasn't figured out how to come herself. How the hell is he supposed to know how to do it when she doesn't? How can he possibly have a more intimate connection with her state of arousal and instantaneous nerve feedback than she does herself? To hear you talk, she comes with a reference manual and an Ethernet port in her ass.
As to why he is completely against the idea of a threesome, maybe that's because he knows damned well that his girlfriend has already stuck him squarely in The Friend Zone, and that all it will take is her finding another man who actually excites her sexually and he's out the door entirely.
Message to the boyfriend, if he's reading this: DTMFA. Why would you want to remain in a sexual relationship with someone who is not attracted to you, who is not aroused by you, who wants to fuck other people more than you? You want to be her best friend, fine, go ahead and be her best friend, but be honest about it being from the The Friend Zone. Meanwhile, go find yourself an actual girlfriend.
As to why he is completely against the idea of a threesome, maybe that's because he knows damned well that his girlfriend has already stuck him squarely in The Friend Zone, and that all it will take is her finding another man who actually excites her sexually and he's out the door entirely.
Message to the boyfriend, if he's reading this: DTMFA. Why would you want to remain in a sexual relationship with someone who is not attracted to you, who is not aroused by you, who wants to fuck other people more than you? You want to be her best friend, fine, go ahead and be her best friend, but be honest about it being from the The Friend Zone. Meanwhile, go find yourself an actual girlfriend.
29
Question to BLOWJOB: Why is it important to you that he comes as a result of what you are doing with your mouth/hands? Is this some sort of trophy for you?
Seems to me you are making his orgasms be all about you. Don't do that.
Seems to me you are making his orgasms be all about you. Don't do that.
30
@28 FTW:
'To hear you talk, she comes with a reference manual and an Ethernet port in her ass....'
That said, I do enjoy the themed weeks, Dan. Hilarious responses this week.
'To hear you talk, she comes with a reference manual and an Ethernet port in her ass....'
That said, I do enjoy the themed weeks, Dan. Hilarious responses this week.
31
Great column, but Dan seemed a bit grumpy. Maybe it's because of what #1 said. How many times does he have to answer the same questions?
32
I agree with @24 and @28. Girls are responsible for saying "I want an orgasm" if they want an orgasm. I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn't care. So am I an asshole now?
A man cannot stop fucking every thirty seconds saying "Do you still not care if you want an orgasm or not? Are you sure? Do you want me to help you? Do you want to completely lose the spontaneity of this moment?" It doesn't work. If girls want something, they must say that they want it. NO ONE READS MINDS.
A man cannot stop fucking every thirty seconds saying "Do you still not care if you want an orgasm or not? Are you sure? Do you want me to help you? Do you want to completely lose the spontaneity of this moment?" It doesn't work. If girls want something, they must say that they want it. NO ONE READS MINDS.
33
@24:
So, let me get this straight: according to you, anyone who isn't highly orgasmic is at fault for their own condition, because obviously orgasmic capacity can be controlled by force of will and has nothing to do with nerve endings or neurotransmitters. Good to know.
So, let me get this straight: according to you, anyone who isn't highly orgasmic is at fault for their own condition, because obviously orgasmic capacity can be controlled by force of will and has nothing to do with nerve endings or neurotransmitters. Good to know.
34
@32:
So am I an asshole now?
Given the overall self-centered tone of your comment, and the fact that you consistently refer to women as "girls," I'm going to go out on a limb and say "yes," as in "yes, you are an asshole."
So am I an asshole now?
Given the overall self-centered tone of your comment, and the fact that you consistently refer to women as "girls," I'm going to go out on a limb and say "yes," as in "yes, you are an asshole."
35
I'm kind of surprised Dan didn't mention to BLOWJOB that her boyfriend might have 'deathgrip syndrome.' He may be used to a certain amount of pressure from his own hand that he can't get from her hand or mouth. Perhaps varying his grip during masturbation, or laying off the masturbation for a while, would help? Or she could just take Dan's advice and get over it.
36
With respect to advice given HMC (Dec.2), I doubt the wisdom of suggesting sex is not compatible with bestfriendmanship. It might apply to HMC, but not the world at large.
37
#1, #31, et al:
Dan is writing an *advice* column, not a column to feed your appetite for novelty, though hopefully, that's often one and the same thing. He is *educating,* not necessarily entertaining his readership, and he needs to address the actual letter writers and their real concerns.
Yes, we've seen this problem before: the fact that it's so prevalent would seem to require the occasional readdressing of it. The letter writer (HMC)is 21, and has been with her bf since she was 19. Perhaps we've all been reading Dan for the past 10 years, but she may not have. Maybe she hasn't read anything about human sexuality until recently. She is having a problem; she wrote to the sex-advice columnist. Sorry (for you) that her problem was so humdrum and didn't involve pitbull sodomy, but I guarantee you that if it was *your* problem, you'd want a little help with it.
Dan is writing an *advice* column, not a column to feed your appetite for novelty, though hopefully, that's often one and the same thing. He is *educating,* not necessarily entertaining his readership, and he needs to address the actual letter writers and their real concerns.
Yes, we've seen this problem before: the fact that it's so prevalent would seem to require the occasional readdressing of it. The letter writer (HMC)is 21, and has been with her bf since she was 19. Perhaps we've all been reading Dan for the past 10 years, but she may not have. Maybe she hasn't read anything about human sexuality until recently. She is having a problem; she wrote to the sex-advice columnist. Sorry (for you) that her problem was so humdrum and didn't involve pitbull sodomy, but I guarantee you that if it was *your* problem, you'd want a little help with it.
38
This is the most helpful column ever! Seriously, it summed up ALL the questions I ever thought of asking Dan Savage!
Well except for the last one... how is that a problem?
But really, great column! Thank you! I have common traits with all three of the women, and their problems are also mine. Thanks again!
Well except for the last one... how is that a problem?
But really, great column! Thank you! I have common traits with all three of the women, and their problems are also mine. Thanks again!
39
And sorry I was so cranky in my last posting, but I can only come when I get surly with strangers.
So thanks: I feel more relaxed now.
So thanks: I feel more relaxed now.
40
@13: Try using the vibe on your taint.
@32. Yes you are. "I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn't care." Um, yes, dumbass, she does. Most women DON'T come through fucking alone, so if you've already started fucking without getting her there, stopping every 30 seconds to ask about it ain't gonna help. Ever heard of foreplay? Spend more time on it. And make an effort to do it right. Here's a word that can help you enourmously: TEASE. Don't go right for the goods... kiss her right NEXT to the nipple, blow on it, lick all around it until she's dying for you to close your lips around the target. And I'm not talking 30 seconds of teasing, take five or ten minutes to get there. Don't even think about going down south until she's squirming and moaning. Take your time, tease her there too. You know that tendon where the inner thigh joins the torso? Spend some time there. Just behind the knee too. Use your imagination. Spend at least a half-hour on foreplay and you'll be the studmuffin you always dreamed you could be.
Part of what gets YOU off should be getting HER off.
@32. Yes you are. "I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn't care." Um, yes, dumbass, she does. Most women DON'T come through fucking alone, so if you've already started fucking without getting her there, stopping every 30 seconds to ask about it ain't gonna help. Ever heard of foreplay? Spend more time on it. And make an effort to do it right. Here's a word that can help you enourmously: TEASE. Don't go right for the goods... kiss her right NEXT to the nipple, blow on it, lick all around it until she's dying for you to close your lips around the target. And I'm not talking 30 seconds of teasing, take five or ten minutes to get there. Don't even think about going down south until she's squirming and moaning. Take your time, tease her there too. You know that tendon where the inner thigh joins the torso? Spend some time there. Just behind the knee too. Use your imagination. Spend at least a half-hour on foreplay and you'll be the studmuffin you always dreamed you could be.
Part of what gets YOU off should be getting HER off.
41
@34: All right, Mr. Jellyfish.
When I was very young I used the word "women". At the time, I believed it was demeaning to call females "girls" because it suggested all women were childlike and naiive (In the same way that many Japanese names for women contain the kanji for "child"). However, a number of women/girls whose word I trusted complained to me about this. They said that being referred to as "woman" rather than "girl" made them feel old, which depressed them. So I stopped. Behold, the evolution of an asshole.
Next, what would you have me do? Should I take the position of "Women lack willpower and imagination and don't know what's best for them. Therefore I must insist that we continuously try to make her orgasm whether she wants to or not." Is that good?
I take the position that people (all people) approach sex as something that's fun--ie where people cooperate to achieve the good feelings that they want.
When I was very young I used the word "women". At the time, I believed it was demeaning to call females "girls" because it suggested all women were childlike and naiive (In the same way that many Japanese names for women contain the kanji for "child"). However, a number of women/girls whose word I trusted complained to me about this. They said that being referred to as "woman" rather than "girl" made them feel old, which depressed them. So I stopped. Behold, the evolution of an asshole.
Next, what would you have me do? Should I take the position of "Women lack willpower and imagination and don't know what's best for them. Therefore I must insist that we continuously try to make her orgasm whether she wants to or not." Is that good?
I take the position that people (all people) approach sex as something that's fun--ie where people cooperate to achieve the good feelings that they want.
42
I am not a doctor, but I believe the usual advice to someone who cannot achieve orgasm, is to first rule out a physical problem through a doctor's exam.
43
"You know that tendon where the inner thigh joins the torso?"
Know it? I invented that tendon!
Thanks for the image, ggg.
Know it? I invented that tendon!
Thanks for the image, ggg.
44
@37 & @39
What are you - Dan's lawyer?
Get a grip on yourself. It's called SARCASM and Dan is very familiar with it.
If you've been reading Dan for 10 years, you know he can dish it out too.
What are you - Dan's lawyer?
Get a grip on yourself. It's called SARCASM and Dan is very familiar with it.
If you've been reading Dan for 10 years, you know he can dish it out too.
46
@avast2006 - heh...yep, spot-on about DTMFA - I'm betting BF is a) not feeling "friend" but feeling "lover" and b) thinks she's hot and wants to keep nailing her. Still, nothing is a boner-killer like trying to do someone who really isn't interested.
On BLOWJOB - I'm one of those guys...I went a VERY long time - until my mid-thirties - before I got off from a blowjob. That blowjob was given to me by one very talented and DETERMINED lady who really really got off herself on sucking and swallowing. So, yeah, completion was very important to her own sexual satisfaction. I was left with my ears ringing...I did NOT over-analyze why/what got her off, but instead we just enjoyed.
It's fine for her to want to work at this...but she should also make sure he understands that this is WHAT GETS HER OFF. I used to get very self-conscious about my inability to get off from oral, and that head-game really kept me blocked. I felt pressure to "hurry up" before giving my partner lock-jaw or a cramp...and that interfered. This gal made it clear that what got her off was sucking and that she was experiencing a lot of pleasure, regardless of what happened for me...and that set me free. I still have a hard time, but not nearly as hard.
On BLOWJOB - I'm one of those guys...I went a VERY long time - until my mid-thirties - before I got off from a blowjob. That blowjob was given to me by one very talented and DETERMINED lady who really really got off herself on sucking and swallowing. So, yeah, completion was very important to her own sexual satisfaction. I was left with my ears ringing...I did NOT over-analyze why/what got her off, but instead we just enjoyed.
It's fine for her to want to work at this...but she should also make sure he understands that this is WHAT GETS HER OFF. I used to get very self-conscious about my inability to get off from oral, and that head-game really kept me blocked. I felt pressure to "hurry up" before giving my partner lock-jaw or a cramp...and that interfered. This gal made it clear that what got her off was sucking and that she was experiencing a lot of pleasure, regardless of what happened for me...and that set me free. I still have a hard time, but not nearly as hard.
47
@2: All kinds of guys. All "what kind of [x] doesn't like [x]" statements are unhelpful and intimidating. You might as well say, "Straight guys who don't want threesomes are obviously closet gays." Ooh, yeah, that sounds pretty crazy and judgmental.
@40: I'm kind of with @32 on the issue of straightforward communication. Sometimes I just want to help my BF get off, and he doesn't stop pestering me about "finishing" when I really, genuinely can't be bothered. DUDE! I said I don't want an orgasm! I'm not playing mind games here ... I just want to be GGG and then get some freakin' sleep.
People can joke about how that's a "good" problem, but it wears on you after a while. It makes me self-conscious about how his pleasure is predicated on mine, and basically, the pressure is on me to guarantee we BOTH have a good time. Yeah, that sounds like relaxed, sexy fun.
@40: I'm kind of with @32 on the issue of straightforward communication. Sometimes I just want to help my BF get off, and he doesn't stop pestering me about "finishing" when I really, genuinely can't be bothered. DUDE! I said I don't want an orgasm! I'm not playing mind games here ... I just want to be GGG and then get some freakin' sleep.
People can joke about how that's a "good" problem, but it wears on you after a while. It makes me self-conscious about how his pleasure is predicated on mine, and basically, the pressure is on me to guarantee we BOTH have a good time. Yeah, that sounds like relaxed, sexy fun.
48
@46: "I felt pressure to 'hurry up' before giving my partner lock-jaw or a cramp...and that interfered."
Nice one. A lot of women experience the same problem (I did) and I think maybe we don't hear from men enough on the same point. Everyone just assumes all men explode on the mere thought of a blowjob, without realizing that puts pressures on them.
Nice one. A lot of women experience the same problem (I did) and I think maybe we don't hear from men enough on the same point. Everyone just assumes all men explode on the mere thought of a blowjob, without realizing that puts pressures on them.
50
Re all the posts on blowjobs - here's a technique that has worked for me with guys who didn't come easily from blowjobs: I start with a nice, leisurely blowjob, no pressure to come, I'm just having the time of my life down here, slobbering, etc... then have him lend his own hand, in place of my hand, while I continue to lick and suck the head, sometimes just the tip, depending on where his hand needs to go.
51
Dear Blowjob: The first thing you should make sure of is that your boyfriend doesn't masturbate for a few days before you try next time.
Dear Confluence: We're talking about a woman who is unhappy in a relationship but isn't telling her partner that important truth because she -- supposedly -- values his friendship so much.
Dear Confluence: We're talking about a woman who is unhappy in a relationship but isn't telling her partner that important truth because she -- supposedly -- values his friendship so much.
52
BOOB stated that her experiences with women didn't do anything for her.
But it seems like her experiences with men aren't doing much for her either.
I wish BOOB luck with the boyfriend, but I don't think she should rule out the possibility that she's got some genuine gay tendencies.
But it seems like her experiences with men aren't doing much for her either.
I wish BOOB luck with the boyfriend, but I don't think she should rule out the possibility that she's got some genuine gay tendencies.
53
It seems that the advice for women who can't come with their partners but can come on their own is to play with themselves in front of their partners as a fun/teaching experience.
I can come on my own, and I love all kinds of touching from my partners, but usually can't come from this. I've tried to get myself off while with a partner, but when I touch myself in the presence of another person my nerve endings literally go dead. i can't feel anything.
Anyone else have this?
ps. my current boyfriend cared enough to spend a potload of time trying and does, in fact, get me off, so no need to feel too sad for me
I can come on my own, and I love all kinds of touching from my partners, but usually can't come from this. I've tried to get myself off while with a partner, but when I touch myself in the presence of another person my nerve endings literally go dead. i can't feel anything.
Anyone else have this?
ps. my current boyfriend cared enough to spend a potload of time trying and does, in fact, get me off, so no need to feel too sad for me
54
BLOWJOB;
It sounds as though you are already working on the problem. After a lucky first try, it took months before my ex could suck me to orgasm. And yes, I was slow to 'get there' every other way, having been alone for a looong time.
There is a kind of bond built up where the shared feeling builds, when she knew that I knew that she new that I knew etc. that the fuse was lit. Until then, I could wank for her; I could come in her mouth after wanking, she could suck me accross the finish line after I had done most of the work and so on....
Sizes of mouth/hands/schlong are almost certainly irrelevant. Fervor, desire, and familiarity are probably most important.
And practice, practice, practice.
It sounds as though you are already working on the problem. After a lucky first try, it took months before my ex could suck me to orgasm. And yes, I was slow to 'get there' every other way, having been alone for a looong time.
There is a kind of bond built up where the shared feeling builds, when she knew that I knew that she new that I knew etc. that the fuse was lit. Until then, I could wank for her; I could come in her mouth after wanking, she could suck me accross the finish line after I had done most of the work and so on....
Sizes of mouth/hands/schlong are almost certainly irrelevant. Fervor, desire, and familiarity are probably most important.
And practice, practice, practice.
55
If your man is not getting off on your blowjobs, then maybe, young lady, you need lessons. There are good blowjobs and there are very bad ones. If you want the best tips, go to an Old Gay Man who is still sucking cock. He gives the best blowjobs and can instruct you. I know. I'm one of them.
56
@nocutename - LMAO at that last comment! I will be borrowing that one for myself
As for the matter at hand, I've related to every single one of these issue. Especially the first one. I totally get off thinking of fucking women when I masturbate. I get nowhere actually fucking someone Im, A) not attracted to or, B) isnt interested in my pleasure while fucking them (that part is especially crappy!). I fixed those problems by sleeping with some one DIFFERENT.
@53, I have that issue. Cant seem to get over it. When I did come with someone else it was usually them inducing it. I dont quite understand what I have to get over to make myself come with another person around! Im thinking about incorporating vibrators since they susually work pretty well for me. I havent used one myself in ages but it might be back to the drawing board for this situation.
As for the matter at hand, I've related to every single one of these issue. Especially the first one. I totally get off thinking of fucking women when I masturbate. I get nowhere actually fucking someone Im, A) not attracted to or, B) isnt interested in my pleasure while fucking them (that part is especially crappy!). I fixed those problems by sleeping with some one DIFFERENT.
@53, I have that issue. Cant seem to get over it. When I did come with someone else it was usually them inducing it. I dont quite understand what I have to get over to make myself come with another person around! Im thinking about incorporating vibrators since they susually work pretty well for me. I havent used one myself in ages but it might be back to the drawing board for this situation.
57
@2: Fuck you. Plenty of guys don't want a threesome because it's a hassle, because they prefer to focus their attentions, because the the girls that would be up for it are skeezy, because any number of reasons. Amazingly enough, it's not at all uncommon to not be into a threesome any more than it's uncommon to be not into eating seafood.
Dan: Please, for us reading this, please define the exact amount of care we should have about our partner, relative to their own level of give-a-shit. Because apparently if I care about giving as much as I get, I'm making "macho drama" and accepting an answer of "you can't but I don't care" is being a dick. So please, pull out a 30 gauge needle and draw that line indicating the field of "acceptable amount of empathy for my partner's enjoyment". Or just let us know how much of a hypocrite you are, that's fine too.
Dan: Please, for us reading this, please define the exact amount of care we should have about our partner, relative to their own level of give-a-shit. Because apparently if I care about giving as much as I get, I'm making "macho drama" and accepting an answer of "you can't but I don't care" is being a dick. So please, pull out a 30 gauge needle and draw that line indicating the field of "acceptable amount of empathy for my partner's enjoyment". Or just let us know how much of a hypocrite you are, that's fine too.
58
#47 (Gloria): My husband and I take turns being the center of attention in bed when one of us is hot to trot, but the other would rather help the other get off, then get some more sleep. It took a while for him to realize I was serious when I said, "You don't have to get me off every time I get you off; we can take turns, based on how we feel, and things will even out," but now he likes how this arrangement takes the pressure off. It helps both of us be more willing to fool around more often! Maybe you could try telling your boyfriend that, and see if you can get through to him. Good luck!
59
@43: You're welcome!
@46: "I still have a hard time, but not nearly as hard."--THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
@47: I hear ya, I'm all for giving and not receiving occasionally. But this is someone who has NEVER gotten off. Different story.
@ Erica P: Thank you, and great advice on the BJ!
@55: So? Advise, already! We're all listening. Wait. Lemme pour a glass of wine first.
@46: "I still have a hard time, but not nearly as hard."--THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
@47: I hear ya, I'm all for giving and not receiving occasionally. But this is someone who has NEVER gotten off. Different story.
@ Erica P: Thank you, and great advice on the BJ!
@55: So? Advise, already! We're all listening. Wait. Lemme pour a glass of wine first.
61
@47: (Charles) "Should I take the position of "Women lack willpower and imagination and don't know what's best for them. Therefore I must insist that we continuously try to make her orgasm whether she wants to or not." GAWD you sound like a tool. You should give a shit if your girl can come with you. If she can't, and she says she doesn't care, she's trying to take the pressure off of YOU. Cause she CARES. So get the fuck out of your head, start being nicer, give her a nice long backub, stroke her skin, draw her a bath, get her in the mood. And for god's sake, stop talking like THAT. You're lucky anyone will have sex with you.
63
@31 No vicodin this week, perhaps?
@39 Ha!
And more generally... learn something new every day! Didn't know there was a sizeable contingent of guys who had trouble getting off on blowjobs. Certainly not my experience so far, but now I know...
@39 Ha!
And more generally... learn something new every day! Didn't know there was a sizeable contingent of guys who had trouble getting off on blowjobs. Certainly not my experience so far, but now I know...
64
"I asked my girl if she wanted an orgasm, and she said she didn't care. So am I an asshole now?"
Nope. I agree with everything you've said on the subject of women owning their own orgasms, actually, with the one small codicil: instead of totally giving up on her orgasms when she says she doesn't care, try to talk about it just a little further (same goes for men who say they don't care about their own orgasms).
Example: when I got married, I told my then-husband not to bother giving me oral because I wasn't into it. So, for the nine years that we were married, he didn't bother with cunnilingus. Ever. I'm not angry about this; he was only doing what I told him.
BUT. If my ex-husband had asked why I wasn't into oral, I would've told him (truthfully) "because I'm so sensitive that it's easy to hurt me, and because I psych myself out feeling like I'm taking too long and the guy wishes I'd hurry up and finish already."
After which, maybe my ex could have asked me to point out those too-sensitive areas, experimented to see if he could go down on me while avoiding those trouble spots, and reassured me that he loved taking the time to do this for me. And maybe I would've ended up loving oral sex and having a million good experiences with it (instead of the ten or fifteen good experiences I've had since divorcing his ass).
So I think when someone says they don't care about having an orgasm, or about having an orgasm in a certain way, or if they say they don't like something or have a hangup about something, it's really important to discuss why. Although admittedly this can be tricky because you don't want the other person to feel like you're overriding their stated preferences or that you're making them into a project: "I will be the First Person Ever to Make You Orgasm!!!"
...Of course, if you don't actually want to try to help them, just accept their "no thanks" and move along. Or if you want to help and try, sweetly and sensitively, to get your partner to open up a bit more about their feelings, and they're like "NO SERIOUSLY I'M FINE", that's also a time to accept their word and move along.
More...
Nope. I agree with everything you've said on the subject of women owning their own orgasms, actually, with the one small codicil: instead of totally giving up on her orgasms when she says she doesn't care, try to talk about it just a little further (same goes for men who say they don't care about their own orgasms).
Example: when I got married, I told my then-husband not to bother giving me oral because I wasn't into it. So, for the nine years that we were married, he didn't bother with cunnilingus. Ever. I'm not angry about this; he was only doing what I told him.
BUT. If my ex-husband had asked why I wasn't into oral, I would've told him (truthfully) "because I'm so sensitive that it's easy to hurt me, and because I psych myself out feeling like I'm taking too long and the guy wishes I'd hurry up and finish already."
After which, maybe my ex could have asked me to point out those too-sensitive areas, experimented to see if he could go down on me while avoiding those trouble spots, and reassured me that he loved taking the time to do this for me. And maybe I would've ended up loving oral sex and having a million good experiences with it (instead of the ten or fifteen good experiences I've had since divorcing his ass).
So I think when someone says they don't care about having an orgasm, or about having an orgasm in a certain way, or if they say they don't like something or have a hangup about something, it's really important to discuss why. Although admittedly this can be tricky because you don't want the other person to feel like you're overriding their stated preferences or that you're making them into a project: "I will be the First Person Ever to Make You Orgasm!!!"
...Of course, if you don't actually want to try to help them, just accept their "no thanks" and move along. Or if you want to help and try, sweetly and sensitively, to get your partner to open up a bit more about their feelings, and they're like "NO SERIOUSLY I'M FINE", that's also a time to accept their word and move along.
65
"So get the fuck out of your head, start being nicer, give her a nice long backub, stroke her skin, draw her a bath, get her in the mood. "
I thought my bf had difficulty getting me off because his wrist tends to give out right when I need him to go harder/faster. But I guess the problem is actually that he wasn't nice enough to me. I mean, he did run me a bath, and then he massaged me for like forty minutes, but I didn't get off so clearly that wasn't enough.
Oh! Next time I'll demand candles! That should do it.
Seriously, ggg, I'm sorry you've apparently had horrible and inattentive partners in the past but not every guy with a non-orgasmic partner is an asshole and not every woman needs a bunch of romance-novel stuff to get her in the mood. Sometimes, one person just needs a kind of stimulation that the other is physically incapable of sustaining. Hell, sometimes a person can't even sustain it themselves, and need to use a vibrator every time.
I thought my bf had difficulty getting me off because his wrist tends to give out right when I need him to go harder/faster. But I guess the problem is actually that he wasn't nice enough to me. I mean, he did run me a bath, and then he massaged me for like forty minutes, but I didn't get off so clearly that wasn't enough.
Oh! Next time I'll demand candles! That should do it.
Seriously, ggg, I'm sorry you've apparently had horrible and inattentive partners in the past but not every guy with a non-orgasmic partner is an asshole and not every woman needs a bunch of romance-novel stuff to get her in the mood. Sometimes, one person just needs a kind of stimulation that the other is physically incapable of sustaining. Hell, sometimes a person can't even sustain it themselves, and need to use a vibrator every time.
66
"Hey, Honey, you want an orgasm?"
"Nah, I don't care."
"Fine by me!"
That is some seriously fucked-up shit. Of course you don't FORCE an orgasm on someone. If you love em, you make it your business to find out what's going on so you can help 'em get there.
"Nah, I don't care."
"Fine by me!"
That is some seriously fucked-up shit. Of course you don't FORCE an orgasm on someone. If you love em, you make it your business to find out what's going on so you can help 'em get there.
67
@ Have My Cake,
I was in your shoes with the boyfriend you love, but the sexual attraction is gone. I love my ex-husband truly, and we could have just settled into a lifetime of companionship because we are best friends (even now), but look down the road, to a future together...is he happy that he's not getting sexual fulfillment from his girlfriend who is his best friend? Are you happy? Because if you don't see that happiness together then, you're both being set up for complications, or even resentment.
If he's fine with the way things are, if he's good with just a companion instead of a lover, than that's his choice. But if his needs aren't being met, best friend or not, he has to be allowed to move on and find someone who does better fit his needs.
Either way, you have a choice to make, but don't forget, so does he.
I was in your shoes with the boyfriend you love, but the sexual attraction is gone. I love my ex-husband truly, and we could have just settled into a lifetime of companionship because we are best friends (even now), but look down the road, to a future together...is he happy that he's not getting sexual fulfillment from his girlfriend who is his best friend? Are you happy? Because if you don't see that happiness together then, you're both being set up for complications, or even resentment.
If he's fine with the way things are, if he's good with just a companion instead of a lover, than that's his choice. But if his needs aren't being met, best friend or not, he has to be allowed to move on and find someone who does better fit his needs.
Either way, you have a choice to make, but don't forget, so does he.
68
64: Why the hypothetical if-he-had-bothered-to-investigate-he-might-have-found-out-something-useful scenario? If you wanted him to figure out exactly what the problem was and to fix it, that's what you should have told him.
Otherwise, what part of "don't bother because I'm not into it" was your ex supposed to second-guess? If I tell someone I don't like something, I expect to have that respected, not to have to defend and dissect my dislike.
Green Eggs and Ham is bullshit, and Sam-I-Am is an asshole.
Otherwise, what part of "don't bother because I'm not into it" was your ex supposed to second-guess? If I tell someone I don't like something, I expect to have that respected, not to have to defend and dissect my dislike.
Green Eggs and Ham is bullshit, and Sam-I-Am is an asshole.
70
Anyone have advice for someone who IS reliant on her vibe for an orgasm? I've tried manual masturbation, but lose interest pretty quickly, and then I'm just annoyed because I'm not horny anymore, but didn't get an orgasm.
71
I'm only going to respond to 64/65 because she was polite.
My girlfriend and I spend about 30 minutes on foreplay, and she ends it by very loudly demanding intercourse. In the spirit of teasing her, I have at times ignored this and continued with foreplay/digital/oral stimulation for another 10 minutes or so, in the hope that more of the same will equal her orgasm, but her arousal seems to taper off in these cases. Despite all this, I don't usually time my sex exactly by the clock so it's possible I'm overestimating the time I spend. I'll try that next time.
As you seem to suggest, it's also possible I'm thinking wishfully when I assume that every person has enough sexual drive to actively seek out their own orgasm. Maybe some people need to be helped out or egged on. I will suggest we focus on her pleasure again and see if she's any more open to what kind of stimulation she wants.
My girlfriend and I spend about 30 minutes on foreplay, and she ends it by very loudly demanding intercourse. In the spirit of teasing her, I have at times ignored this and continued with foreplay/digital/oral stimulation for another 10 minutes or so, in the hope that more of the same will equal her orgasm, but her arousal seems to taper off in these cases. Despite all this, I don't usually time my sex exactly by the clock so it's possible I'm overestimating the time I spend. I'll try that next time.
As you seem to suggest, it's also possible I'm thinking wishfully when I assume that every person has enough sexual drive to actively seek out their own orgasm. Maybe some people need to be helped out or egged on. I will suggest we focus on her pleasure again and see if she's any more open to what kind of stimulation she wants.
72
I love Dans columns. I've also never had sex, despite being in my mid 20s. I've finally met someone I'm comfortable with and have been enjoying 2nd base (it may sound pathetic, but this is all new to me), but then I read the bickering on here and it sometimes seriously freaks me out! :).
73
@68
I'm with you all the way on this one. You can't blame a person for failing to read your mind, especially when what you said was "I'm not into this,."
I'm with you all the way on this one. You can't blame a person for failing to read your mind, especially when what you said was "I'm not into this,."
74
Let me start by saying that I have to wonder if the first two writers ever tried asking their partners for clitoral stimulation during PIV sex. It sounds like a simple solution, and I know Dan has suggested it before, but it seems like lots of women view the two as separate parts of sex. Personally, I had never had an orgasm until I was having sex with my boyfriend and he was rubbing my clit during. Now, that's our standard, and I actually didn't even learn how to masturbate until after I experienced that!
@57 When I first started dating my boyfriend and I confided in him that I'd never had an orgasm, he looked mildly sympathetic and sincerely said, "I want you to have an orgasm." Still, he recognized that he didn't have to feel guilty if I didn't get there right away, and we were always open about what was/wasn't working in that department. That is the right amount of giving a shit.
@70 I've never actually masturbated with a vibrator, but I can relate to what you mean about feeling tired/bored and frustrated with manual masturbation. Until I learned what an orgasm felt like, that's exactly how I felt about masturbating. I rarely even attempted it. Now, I come from masturbating 100% of the time. So, I'll share my method with you. It's not pretty, but it works! I lie on my back and bring my knees up to my chest. That's important. I don't know exactly why, but the sensations are never powerful enough for me to orgasm if I'm not in that position. Next, I rub my clit in all kinds of different ways (slow and direct, hard and fast, on the sides, on the top) to get the horniness feeling uploaded. Then, at the same time, I work in directly fingering my g-spot (right behind the pubic bone, which stands out in that position) a few times until I feel like I'm going to explode, and then I kick everything up to turbo speed...ta-da! The whole process usually takes me 5-10 minutes. And even though this is SLOG and anything goes, I felt very odd describing all that! ha! Hope it gives you some ideas!
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@57 When I first started dating my boyfriend and I confided in him that I'd never had an orgasm, he looked mildly sympathetic and sincerely said, "I want you to have an orgasm." Still, he recognized that he didn't have to feel guilty if I didn't get there right away, and we were always open about what was/wasn't working in that department. That is the right amount of giving a shit.
@70 I've never actually masturbated with a vibrator, but I can relate to what you mean about feeling tired/bored and frustrated with manual masturbation. Until I learned what an orgasm felt like, that's exactly how I felt about masturbating. I rarely even attempted it. Now, I come from masturbating 100% of the time. So, I'll share my method with you. It's not pretty, but it works! I lie on my back and bring my knees up to my chest. That's important. I don't know exactly why, but the sensations are never powerful enough for me to orgasm if I'm not in that position. Next, I rub my clit in all kinds of different ways (slow and direct, hard and fast, on the sides, on the top) to get the horniness feeling uploaded. Then, at the same time, I work in directly fingering my g-spot (right behind the pubic bone, which stands out in that position) a few times until I feel like I'm going to explode, and then I kick everything up to turbo speed...ta-da! The whole process usually takes me 5-10 minutes. And even though this is SLOG and anything goes, I felt very odd describing all that! ha! Hope it gives you some ideas!
76
@74
It's certainly helpful to know such a thing can be accomplished in 5-10 minutes. I'm happy to say my G-spot and I are old friends.
I'll give that a try (with edits to see what works best). Hope it freaking works, cause I hate doing all that work with no results. >
It's certainly helpful to know such a thing can be accomplished in 5-10 minutes. I'm happy to say my G-spot and I are old friends.
I'll give that a try (with edits to see what works best). Hope it freaking works, cause I hate doing all that work with no results. >
77
#72:
Don't freak out. We can get a bit testy over here, but after we've come we are much nicer.
Seriously, the world is full of people with different opinions.
Be open to many and you might broaden your insights.
Hopefully, they can be expressed respectfully, but some people are politeness-challenged. That's no reason to stop being excited about sex.
Don't freak out. We can get a bit testy over here, but after we've come we are much nicer.
Seriously, the world is full of people with different opinions.
Be open to many and you might broaden your insights.
Hopefully, they can be expressed respectfully, but some people are politeness-challenged. That's no reason to stop being excited about sex.
78
"Funny, I could be BOOB (gets off alone but not partnered, has a quasi-narcissistic boob fetish) and my boyfriend could be BLOWJOB's (doesn't come from blowjobs or handjobs). Except neither of us is terribly troubled by this. How we are sexually is how we are... as long as we're both enjoying ourselves, where's the problem? I am working to increase my range and learn to come with a partner, but stressing out about it would be pretty counter-productive. "
This may seem obvious, but have you tried titty-fucking? Seems like it would address both your quirks!
This may seem obvious, but have you tried titty-fucking? Seems like it would address both your quirks!
79
I am only able to orgasm with my vibrator, and only in one position. Additionally, I didn't orgasm at all until I was 38.
Do I spend a lot of time crying about it? Do I try to "correct" this phisiological "flaw?"
Hell No! I'm grateful for each damn orgasm I have.
I consider them gifts from the universe.
Sure, I wish that I could achieve orgasm more easily, and yes, I wish I didn't have to be dependent on an outside appliance to come (makes spontaneous sex when I'm away from my nightstand less wonderful), but I'm a "glass three-quarters-full" kind of girl.
Not that I don't understand people's frustration, but sometimes we need to be reminded that these are "luxury" problems!
Can you orgasm? Yay! There's no one more grateful and less demanding than someone for whom sexual fulfillment came relatively late.
Do I spend a lot of time crying about it? Do I try to "correct" this phisiological "flaw?"
Hell No! I'm grateful for each damn orgasm I have.
I consider them gifts from the universe.
Sure, I wish that I could achieve orgasm more easily, and yes, I wish I didn't have to be dependent on an outside appliance to come (makes spontaneous sex when I'm away from my nightstand less wonderful), but I'm a "glass three-quarters-full" kind of girl.
Not that I don't understand people's frustration, but sometimes we need to be reminded that these are "luxury" problems!
Can you orgasm? Yay! There's no one more grateful and less demanding than someone for whom sexual fulfillment came relatively late.
80
If you wanted him to figure out exactly what the problem was and to fix it, that's what you should have told him.
Dude, I was 23 and painfully un-self-aware. I didn't realize there was a solveable problem - I really thought I just wasn't into getting oral. If he'd tried to investigate a little further (i.e. if he weren't a dumbass 23 year old, too), we could have picked apart that mental snarl, felt a lot more intimate with each other, and I could've possibly been having really good orgasms.
Again I repeat: I'm not angry that my ex didn't ask. I'm just a little disappointed. It sucks sometimes to be in my mid-30s and just discovering this act that all other women seem to consider the holy grail of sex.
I'm equally disappointed that I wasn't able to dissect and explain my own feelings better (thereby perhaps getting the same orgasmful results), but whatever. Water under the bridge, right?
Otherwise, what part of "don't bother because I'm not into it" was your ex supposed to second-guess?
Saying, "Oh, okay. What don't you like about it?" is not the same thing as saying "well that's dumb and I'm going to do it anyway" or "well tell me why not and then I'll fix what I'm sure is a massive psychological problem that you have."
If I tell someone I don't like something, I expect to have that respected, not to have to defend and dissect my dislike.
And that's why I said that it's hard to do that extra bit of investigation and have it come off well (Jesus christ, it's like nobody's actually grasping anything I'm saying today. Did I leave the Invisible Lock key on?). But it can be a very valuable thing to understand why someone doesn't like or want something. Not even necessarily so you can convince them to do that thing - sometimes it might work the other way and help you to predict other things they might not like.
Knowing each other well is good.
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Dude, I was 23 and painfully un-self-aware. I didn't realize there was a solveable problem - I really thought I just wasn't into getting oral. If he'd tried to investigate a little further (i.e. if he weren't a dumbass 23 year old, too), we could have picked apart that mental snarl, felt a lot more intimate with each other, and I could've possibly been having really good orgasms.
Again I repeat: I'm not angry that my ex didn't ask. I'm just a little disappointed. It sucks sometimes to be in my mid-30s and just discovering this act that all other women seem to consider the holy grail of sex.
I'm equally disappointed that I wasn't able to dissect and explain my own feelings better (thereby perhaps getting the same orgasmful results), but whatever. Water under the bridge, right?
Otherwise, what part of "don't bother because I'm not into it" was your ex supposed to second-guess?
Saying, "Oh, okay. What don't you like about it?" is not the same thing as saying "well that's dumb and I'm going to do it anyway" or "well tell me why not and then I'll fix what I'm sure is a massive psychological problem that you have."
If I tell someone I don't like something, I expect to have that respected, not to have to defend and dissect my dislike.
And that's why I said that it's hard to do that extra bit of investigation and have it come off well (Jesus christ, it's like nobody's actually grasping anything I'm saying today. Did I leave the Invisible Lock key on?). But it can be a very valuable thing to understand why someone doesn't like or want something. Not even necessarily so you can convince them to do that thing - sometimes it might work the other way and help you to predict other things they might not like.
Knowing each other well is good.
82
Correct amount of "give a shit" for a straight guy, concerning his partner's orgasms:
Don't give up on trying to get her off if she can't seem to do it with a partner. Do your research, try some sex toys, learn about what turns her on, even if she's given up on herself. Make sure she relaxes and enjoys herself, with no pressure on her to orgasm (even if you know you're both hoping for it). If she's not interested in working on it with you and would rather live without orgasms, tell her to date one of those guys who doesn't care if his partner gets off or has a really low sex drive.
If your partner is taking a long time in any particular session, you should ask what you can do to help get her there, but don't put any sort of pressure or time limit on her. If she knows you're impatient, it's not going to happen. If she's out of ideas and frustrated, jump back to foreplay and dirty talk or porn or erotica or whatever can keep her in the mood without having to endure an hour's worth of pussy pounding. If she really wants to give up on her orgasm that night, make sure she's not just saying that because she doesn't want to trouble you, and then do what she says.
BUT, if she says that it just isn't going to happen tonight, believe her and don't let it wound your ego. Sometimes everybody is too tired to bounce back after a mood-killer, sometimes she's feeling too sore to go for much longer, sometimes she's experimenting with something new and it's not working very well but she's too tired to do something new... there are a ton of reasons that have nothing to do with the guy's ego. But if she knows that you're going to feel hurt if she doesn't get off, she's going to start faking it or having even fewer orgasms, because getting off is harder when there's a lot riding on it.
Don't take it personally if she doesn't get off, but don't settle for her giving up on her own orgasms permanently (unless she has a medical condition that's standing in the way or something). It's OK to not get off every time, but you should always do everything you can to help her get there unless she explicitly tells you that orgasms are off the table for that encounter.
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Don't give up on trying to get her off if she can't seem to do it with a partner. Do your research, try some sex toys, learn about what turns her on, even if she's given up on herself. Make sure she relaxes and enjoys herself, with no pressure on her to orgasm (even if you know you're both hoping for it). If she's not interested in working on it with you and would rather live without orgasms, tell her to date one of those guys who doesn't care if his partner gets off or has a really low sex drive.
If your partner is taking a long time in any particular session, you should ask what you can do to help get her there, but don't put any sort of pressure or time limit on her. If she knows you're impatient, it's not going to happen. If she's out of ideas and frustrated, jump back to foreplay and dirty talk or porn or erotica or whatever can keep her in the mood without having to endure an hour's worth of pussy pounding. If she really wants to give up on her orgasm that night, make sure she's not just saying that because she doesn't want to trouble you, and then do what she says.
BUT, if she says that it just isn't going to happen tonight, believe her and don't let it wound your ego. Sometimes everybody is too tired to bounce back after a mood-killer, sometimes she's feeling too sore to go for much longer, sometimes she's experimenting with something new and it's not working very well but she's too tired to do something new... there are a ton of reasons that have nothing to do with the guy's ego. But if she knows that you're going to feel hurt if she doesn't get off, she's going to start faking it or having even fewer orgasms, because getting off is harder when there's a lot riding on it.
Don't take it personally if she doesn't get off, but don't settle for her giving up on her own orgasms permanently (unless she has a medical condition that's standing in the way or something). It's OK to not get off every time, but you should always do everything you can to help her get there unless she explicitly tells you that orgasms are off the table for that encounter.
83
@70/blah (on those reliant on vibes for orgasms):
I used to have the same problem. I could get off in a minute with a vibe, so I would give up on manual stimulation if it seemed to be taking too long. But I can do it! Just make sure you stay in the mood with whatever you need to do to keep you there (porn, erotica, etc.) and don't lose focus and start thinking about vacuuming or something. For me, I can go to zero sexual interest to orgasm in a minute or two with a vibrator, but the same journey without a vibe might take me a half hour or more of focusing on sexy things. It takes a whole lot longer without a vibe, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. It may take some experimentation to see what your body likes, but that's part of the fun, right?
I used to have the same problem. I could get off in a minute with a vibe, so I would give up on manual stimulation if it seemed to be taking too long. But I can do it! Just make sure you stay in the mood with whatever you need to do to keep you there (porn, erotica, etc.) and don't lose focus and start thinking about vacuuming or something. For me, I can go to zero sexual interest to orgasm in a minute or two with a vibrator, but the same journey without a vibe might take me a half hour or more of focusing on sexy things. It takes a whole lot longer without a vibe, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. It may take some experimentation to see what your body likes, but that's part of the fun, right?
84
I'd like to put in a plug for using different types of stimulation besides vibration, too. (and I agree about mixing it up from time to time) The clitoris is not a nub at the top of the vaginal opening, but a wishbone shaped organ that lines the opening of the vaginal canal. Especially important would be to try stimulation creams and different specialty lubricants, too. Less friction and extra tingly sensations can get things going. My best recommendation for women is to read Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston.
85
68 FTW.
64 wins the It is "Always the Guys Fault Award for 2010" in the fracked up sexual views to be blamed on other parties category.
/cue music
64 wins the It is "Always the Guys Fault Award for 2010" in the fracked up sexual views to be blamed on other parties category.
/cue music
86
Real great column this week. Loved the consistent theme throughout which is what distinguishes Dan from all the pretenders.
Brutal but truthful with HMC.
"Dicks are just big clits, TWAT" lmfao.
May have missed it a bit with BOOB, looks to me like a problem is sex rate desire disparity. She doesn't HAVE to cum each time as has been pointed out.
And BLOWJOB, Dan didn't really describe the technique so let me be more detailed and blunt:
Since he can only cum in your pussy you fuck the shit out of him with your pussy until he is just about ready to cum. Then you pull him out of your pussy and suck him off. MMMMmmmm, nothing hotter than the taste of pussy (and cum) on a woman's tongue.
Next time you want to 'practice' you do the same thing except...you stop fucking him with your pussy at an earlier point (that is when he is super turned out but not like last time when he is about ready to cum).
If you pull him out of your pussy to soon and he can't cum in your mouth? Well then, just reinsert and take it up to the point when he is almost spurting again. Rinse and replay.
As Dan said, there is no problem. You really can train that dick to do just about anything you want. Just go slow and have a lot of fun.
And macho/vulvo drama? LMFAO.
Brutal but truthful with HMC.
"Dicks are just big clits, TWAT" lmfao.
May have missed it a bit with BOOB, looks to me like a problem is sex rate desire disparity. She doesn't HAVE to cum each time as has been pointed out.
And BLOWJOB, Dan didn't really describe the technique so let me be more detailed and blunt:
Since he can only cum in your pussy you fuck the shit out of him with your pussy until he is just about ready to cum. Then you pull him out of your pussy and suck him off. MMMMmmmm, nothing hotter than the taste of pussy (and cum) on a woman's tongue.
Next time you want to 'practice' you do the same thing except...you stop fucking him with your pussy at an earlier point (that is when he is super turned out but not like last time when he is about ready to cum).
If you pull him out of your pussy to soon and he can't cum in your mouth? Well then, just reinsert and take it up to the point when he is almost spurting again. Rinse and replay.
As Dan said, there is no problem. You really can train that dick to do just about anything you want. Just go slow and have a lot of fun.
And macho/vulvo drama? LMFAO.
87
Re women getting sick of stimulation before they come -- often helps me if we back off the clit for a couple of minutes (we can talk out a fantasy, or I can go down on him... things like that), and then go back to the manual stimulation.
91
@64. That's a nice description of the complicated thinking that goes on in our brains. We wish they would look a little BEYOND what we are saying. It's the beyond region that excites us.
92
You're female, you're young, you've never orgasmed ? Try it on with another partner !
"But he's my best friend & I love him !" So what ? In 15 years from now, once you've made 4 kids together via non-orgasmic sex, either you'll divorce him because you've found how to orgasm (elsewhere), or he'll divorce you because he's having hotter sex elsewhere. Sucks for the kids, right ?
So do yourself and him a favor : dump each other. You're not sexually compatible. Somewhere there's bound to be a partner (maybe a more experienced one) who makes you orgasm for the first few times. Then you'll learn exactly how your body works, and you'll know what to expect from sex, what to look for in sex - and you'll be better able to choose a partner for life (or months, or days, depending on what kind of lover you discover yourself to be).
It's really the same mechanism that pushes some gays in the closet : young women hear about pals and older women who orgasm ; they don't ; they give up on their sexuality, even before having figured it up, and they make lifetime commitments - because it's what a 20-30 years-old is supposed to do when she's in love. Eventually they do get what their sexuality is and the previously chosen life no longer fits.
Being different is hard. But acting as if you weren't different - it's worse on the long run. Dan is a good sex educator. Wish I could have read him when I was a young, anorgasmic female. I wouldn't have married the jerk. Yeah he made no macho drama first. But once I was hooked enough (pregnant), then abuse came.
"But he's my best friend & I love him !" So what ? In 15 years from now, once you've made 4 kids together via non-orgasmic sex, either you'll divorce him because you've found how to orgasm (elsewhere), or he'll divorce you because he's having hotter sex elsewhere. Sucks for the kids, right ?
So do yourself and him a favor : dump each other. You're not sexually compatible. Somewhere there's bound to be a partner (maybe a more experienced one) who makes you orgasm for the first few times. Then you'll learn exactly how your body works, and you'll know what to expect from sex, what to look for in sex - and you'll be better able to choose a partner for life (or months, or days, depending on what kind of lover you discover yourself to be).
It's really the same mechanism that pushes some gays in the closet : young women hear about pals and older women who orgasm ; they don't ; they give up on their sexuality, even before having figured it up, and they make lifetime commitments - because it's what a 20-30 years-old is supposed to do when she's in love. Eventually they do get what their sexuality is and the previously chosen life no longer fits.
Being different is hard. But acting as if you weren't different - it's worse on the long run. Dan is a good sex educator. Wish I could have read him when I was a young, anorgasmic female. I wouldn't have married the jerk. Yeah he made no macho drama first. But once I was hooked enough (pregnant), then abuse came.
93
Women are so funny, aren't we? Seriously, the thread wherein everyone is discussing what an asshole move it is for a guy to take a girl at her word when she says she doesn't care about orgasms? Saying, "I'm fine," when you're not really fine is passive-aggressive. Ipso facto, so is saying, "I don't care about orgasms," when you really do. The onus is on the person with the information to share the information, not on the person who needs the information to get it out of the other person by any means necessary. A guy has a duty to create a comfortable environment for sharing, but if he's already done that and she's still saying she's fine, there's nothing else he needs to do. This isn't cops and robbers in the interrogation room. If you want someone to please you, you have to tell them how, and if you don't know how, you have to tell them you care enough for them to help you find out.
94
#92, I'm with you. If a young woman wants to get married, it's best to hold out for a guy who'll take the time to learn how to give her an orgasm! A guy who makes his pleasure paramount in bed, and doesn't want to explore how best to reciprocate, isn't going to be a good long-term bet outside the bedroom, either.
If a woman doesn't know how to get herself off, though, she's going to have a hard time teaching a guy how to do it.
The books She Comes First and He Comes Second are well-written and informative.
If a woman doesn't know how to get herself off, though, she's going to have a hard time teaching a guy how to do it.
The books She Comes First and He Comes Second are well-written and informative.
95
Advice for BLOWJOB. Maybe he just needs some inspiration while you go at it with hands and/or mouth. If all he's seeing is the top of your head and he isn't able to put his hands somewhere they'd enjoy being, then he might not be able to get fully into it. Change position so he's got something to look at and play with while you're doing your thing. Sometimes all it takes is a face full of ass.
98
#92, you are right!!! My husband is certainly not abusive, he is a total sweetheart, but zzzzzz in the bedroom! I wish I had read Dan when I was younger as well.
Now blowjob tips? I am not a gay man, but I have been told I am good. #1 ingredient? *Enthusiasm*!!!! I LOVE to give head, its so sexy! Enjoy his moans, and the way he moves, and make his pleasure yours. Allow this to get you really hot, and I find a lot of guys who are "not really into blowjobs" have two problems with it, which can both be corrected. #1, they are worried about coming too soon, or #2, they are worried about taking too long. Figure out which one it is, and correct for it. If, like my husband, its #1, reassure him its ok, its his turn tonight, and just lie back and enjoy.
#2 is a little trickier, but still can be worked around, provided he likes the sensation of a warm mouth around his cock. For guys like these (like my lover), going SLOW is key. Let them relax, and know how much you are happy and content just where you are. Its NOT about the orgasm, just about the pleasure they are feeeling, and let that pleasure become yours. Tease and soften when they want you to go harder and faster. This will help them relax even further and get more and more excited, and yes, you are not going anywhere, you are not going to stop, and they don't have to RUSH. I hate that when I am recieving! The soft and gentle blowjobs are easier on your jaw anyway, so you can go for longer periods of time. Hell, I have gotten so worked up by doing this for a very extended period of time, now I come from it too. Lol, lover calls this the ultimate "win-win" situation!
Now blowjob tips? I am not a gay man, but I have been told I am good. #1 ingredient? *Enthusiasm*!!!! I LOVE to give head, its so sexy! Enjoy his moans, and the way he moves, and make his pleasure yours. Allow this to get you really hot, and I find a lot of guys who are "not really into blowjobs" have two problems with it, which can both be corrected. #1, they are worried about coming too soon, or #2, they are worried about taking too long. Figure out which one it is, and correct for it. If, like my husband, its #1, reassure him its ok, its his turn tonight, and just lie back and enjoy.
#2 is a little trickier, but still can be worked around, provided he likes the sensation of a warm mouth around his cock. For guys like these (like my lover), going SLOW is key. Let them relax, and know how much you are happy and content just where you are. Its NOT about the orgasm, just about the pleasure they are feeeling, and let that pleasure become yours. Tease and soften when they want you to go harder and faster. This will help them relax even further and get more and more excited, and yes, you are not going anywhere, you are not going to stop, and they don't have to RUSH. I hate that when I am recieving! The soft and gentle blowjobs are easier on your jaw anyway, so you can go for longer periods of time. Hell, I have gotten so worked up by doing this for a very extended period of time, now I come from it too. Lol, lover calls this the ultimate "win-win" situation!
99
@Perverse Cowgirl: People are misunderstanding what YOU'RE saying? What part of anything I said led you to conclude this? "Seriously, ggg, I'm sorry you've apparently had horrible and inattentive partners in the past but not every guy with a non-orgasmic partner is an asshole and not every woman needs a bunch of romance-novel stuff to get her in the mood."
I didn't realize a massage was SOP of the romance novel (how do you rip a bodice off an already naked and oiled-up body?) I was trying to offer some things I found helpful to get to the relaxed, tingly and sensation-ready place you need to be in to even hope for an orgasm. As mentioned previously, I'm not addressing the occasional "it's enough already, I just want some sleep" scenario. We've all done that, and that's fine. I was addressing someone who has NEVER come with their partner. That's not fine. Most of these peeps, including yourself, and myself lo these many years ago, are/were young, self-conscious and inexperienced. There's a lot of pressure, and it's understandable that a generous partner would say, "It's okay, I just don't have orgasms that way" to take the pressure off. But what I'm saying is, if you BOTH take some time to get there, you can have em. (Imagining Oprah right now... "YOU get an orgasm... and YOU get an orgasm!")
So kids, take it from the voice of experience. This is how it finally happened for me (thanks to a brilliant and inventive boyfriend, who thank god, i finally did with the lights on). Touch everything BUT. Kiss everything but. Use feathers. Use your hair on her/his skin. Your breath. Jesus, with all the talk here about lockjaw and wrists going numb, it's no wonder people give up. We're not battery-operated. Just freaking relax already. It's not a race.
Here's the thing. If you've taken the time to tease, to arouse before any finger touches a clit or lips close on a nipple or tongue touches a shaft, that clit/nipple/cock will be ACHING for it. Imagine that first touch when you're already juiced up. You're already halfway there and you haven't even started.
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I didn't realize a massage was SOP of the romance novel (how do you rip a bodice off an already naked and oiled-up body?) I was trying to offer some things I found helpful to get to the relaxed, tingly and sensation-ready place you need to be in to even hope for an orgasm. As mentioned previously, I'm not addressing the occasional "it's enough already, I just want some sleep" scenario. We've all done that, and that's fine. I was addressing someone who has NEVER come with their partner. That's not fine. Most of these peeps, including yourself, and myself lo these many years ago, are/were young, self-conscious and inexperienced. There's a lot of pressure, and it's understandable that a generous partner would say, "It's okay, I just don't have orgasms that way" to take the pressure off. But what I'm saying is, if you BOTH take some time to get there, you can have em. (Imagining Oprah right now... "YOU get an orgasm... and YOU get an orgasm!")
So kids, take it from the voice of experience. This is how it finally happened for me (thanks to a brilliant and inventive boyfriend, who thank god, i finally did with the lights on). Touch everything BUT. Kiss everything but. Use feathers. Use your hair on her/his skin. Your breath. Jesus, with all the talk here about lockjaw and wrists going numb, it's no wonder people give up. We're not battery-operated. Just freaking relax already. It's not a race.
Here's the thing. If you've taken the time to tease, to arouse before any finger touches a clit or lips close on a nipple or tongue touches a shaft, that clit/nipple/cock will be ACHING for it. Imagine that first touch when you're already juiced up. You're already halfway there and you haven't even started.
100
To the first poster - I was in a very similar situation when I was your age - had been with a guy for almost two years and had never had an orgasm. He didn't really care, but I did, and you do too, I'm sure. Breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did, even though I THOUGHT he was wonderful and my best friend and I'd never live without him at the time. Well, he wasn't, and I could. After I started dating my next boyfriend who was actually interested in me having a good sexual experience, it took two weeks...TWO WEEKS for me to have my first orgasm, and he was far more emotionally compatible with me as well. Lose this guy, seriously.
Oh, and buy a vibrator (that gives you plenty of clitoral stimulation like a Rabbit) and do some experimenting with some lube, if you don't own one already. Looking back now I realise that my biggest problem was that I didn't really understand my own body. Don't give up, I'm sure it will happen for you too.
Oh, and buy a vibrator (that gives you plenty of clitoral stimulation like a Rabbit) and do some experimenting with some lube, if you don't own one already. Looking back now I realise that my biggest problem was that I didn't really understand my own body. Don't give up, I'm sure it will happen for you too.
101
93: "Saying, "I'm fine," when you're not really fine is passive-aggressive. Ipso facto, so is saying, "I don't care about orgasms," when you really do."
BULLSHIT. Complete and utter.
A twenty-one year old girl who's never had an orgasm doesn't even KNOW if she cares about 'em or not. And not having the tools to communicate about it does not make her passive aggressive. She knows she's missing something, but she doesn't know what it is. The fact that she says she doesn't care about it indicates that she feels it's HER problem, and, perhaps feeling there's something wrong with her, chooses to avoid the subject while relieving her partner of guilt.
BULLSHIT. Complete and utter.
A twenty-one year old girl who's never had an orgasm doesn't even KNOW if she cares about 'em or not. And not having the tools to communicate about it does not make her passive aggressive. She knows she's missing something, but she doesn't know what it is. The fact that she says she doesn't care about it indicates that she feels it's HER problem, and, perhaps feeling there's something wrong with her, chooses to avoid the subject while relieving her partner of guilt.
102
I'm with ggg (101) on this one. If you've never had orgasms when you feel you're supposed to, and you've never learned how useful sexual communication can be (and are, quite frankly, a little frightened about it), you don't know that it might help to stand up for yourself and get those orgasms that other girls are getting. You don't know if you're broken or not, you don't know if there is a solution, and you don't want to talk about your problem with a partner and then make the partner feel inadequate. So, when she says she doesn't care about orgasms, the partner should NOT leave it at that. A lot of women just don't know what to do to become orgasmic, don't know if it is even possible for them, and may feel like they've tried everything already (because they read cosmo and try all the tricks they assure you will get you off). Sometimes these ladies need a kick in the butt to stop being so complaisant and start learning how to get off already. They're not being passive-aggressive. They really don't know what they're missing and if orgasms are even an option for them.
103
@101:
Your teasing suggestions are fine (and really hot), and I understand you've been in this situation. But not everyone falls into that category. While of course partners should be open and willing to help each other come, not everyone needs orgasms, not everyone can have orgasms, not everyone thinks they're the most important part of sex, and not everyone who can't come is missing something.
You're asking people to walk an impossible line between not pressuring a girl and pushing her to have orgasms; sometimes it's better to just let her realize whether she wants to try to come herself, while being available to offer help.
Your teasing suggestions are fine (and really hot), and I understand you've been in this situation. But not everyone falls into that category. While of course partners should be open and willing to help each other come, not everyone needs orgasms, not everyone can have orgasms, not everyone thinks they're the most important part of sex, and not everyone who can't come is missing something.
You're asking people to walk an impossible line between not pressuring a girl and pushing her to have orgasms; sometimes it's better to just let her realize whether she wants to try to come herself, while being available to offer help.
104
@2 "Also, what kind of young guy doesn't want a threesome?"
Human beings that don't fit the gender construct that men are unable to say no to sex?
Human beings that don't fit the gender construct that men are unable to say no to sex?
105
80: Maybe I was putting too much emphasis on the specific phrase, but to me, "don't bother" sounds like the person saying it has already had enough experience on the subject to understand their own likes and dislikes, and they don't need you second guessing them. It's just slightly less emphatic than "save your breath." YMMV.
I agree that it's hard to do that extra bit of investigation well. From me you get at most two No-thank-you's. The next one will be "No thank you, damn it."
I agree that it's hard to do that extra bit of investigation well. From me you get at most two No-thank-you's. The next one will be "No thank you, damn it."
106
There are many men who do not come from blowjobs, and there are many who just haven't yet. My other half, when we met, had never come from one and thought he just couldn't. It did not take long before we found out that he could and that he loved it.
How we did that was by not worrying about the orgasm. Treating sex as a fun experience and journey, a kind of communication, with orgasms a fun but non-essential consequence, freed up both of us to just play and have fun, experiment and experience.
Some times I would spend ages just gently licking and playing with him, and he'd spend a ridiculous amount of time just running his fingertips very lightly over my whole body until my skin became a giant, sensitive, trembling mass. Sometimes we'd hardly touch each other, but would just verbalise our worship of each other's bodies. Sometimes we'd try something that would go so hilariously wrong we'd end up collapsing into fits of teary giggles unable to continue. Sometimes we'd purposefully do something offputting or weird just to see each other's reaction. Sex became the most wonderful game.
In time, we discovered the reason he'd never came from a blowjob, overcame it, and I've been happily munching on him ever since! The thing is though, if we hadn't? We'd still have been having fantastic fun and daft sex.
How we did that was by not worrying about the orgasm. Treating sex as a fun experience and journey, a kind of communication, with orgasms a fun but non-essential consequence, freed up both of us to just play and have fun, experiment and experience.
Some times I would spend ages just gently licking and playing with him, and he'd spend a ridiculous amount of time just running his fingertips very lightly over my whole body until my skin became a giant, sensitive, trembling mass. Sometimes we'd hardly touch each other, but would just verbalise our worship of each other's bodies. Sometimes we'd try something that would go so hilariously wrong we'd end up collapsing into fits of teary giggles unable to continue. Sometimes we'd purposefully do something offputting or weird just to see each other's reaction. Sex became the most wonderful game.
In time, we discovered the reason he'd never came from a blowjob, overcame it, and I've been happily munching on him ever since! The thing is though, if we hadn't? We'd still have been having fantastic fun and daft sex.
107
TWAT, I know from personal experience that it is possible to over-use a vibrator, to the point where your clit gets desensitized. (Because that's exactly what I did when I was your age and got my first vibrator. I was using it every day, twice a day.) The warning sign is that it's taking you longer and longer to get off with the vibrator, and the hand doesn't work. So follow Dan's advice, start off with the vibrator and finish with the hand, weaning yourself off the vibrator until you don't rely on it for orgasms.
108
TWAT, I know from personal experience that it is possible to over-use a vibrator, to the point where your clit gets desensitized. (Because that's exactly what I did when I was your age and got my first vibrator. I was using it every day, twice a day.) The warning sign is that it's taking you longer and longer to get off with the vibrator, and the hand doesn't work. So follow Dan's advice, start off with the vibrator and finish with the hand, weaning yourself off the vibrator until you don't rely on it for orgasms.
109
@103 Good call.
@ggg I know that a lot of young women do not know what turns them on. They don't know what helps them have orgasms. They don't know what they're missing. You sound extremely emotional about this, and that's cool. But I believe what we need to do is encourage said girls (and all girls, everywhere for that matter) to learn how to be self-aware and speak up for themselves, not insist the men in their lives do that for them. Sitting back and going, "I don't know what I like or want, but it's your job to figure that out!" isn't the answer. And finding out what we like sexually is a life-long process anyway. A 21-year-old girl is just at a certain point in her development. Trust me--when she's 31, she'll know better. But, again, that's a journey of exploration she needs to take responsibility for. Her partners need to be open to listening and game for trying different things to find out what works, but like I said in my original comment--she needs to say, "I want to learn what makes me come, so help me learn it!"
A lot of this comes down to what society teaches women about their bodies, not singular asshole male partners who take women at their word when they say they don't care. This means we need to encourage women to have greater agency around sex--which means telling them it's okay for them to explore their bodies and speak up.
@ggg I know that a lot of young women do not know what turns them on. They don't know what helps them have orgasms. They don't know what they're missing. You sound extremely emotional about this, and that's cool. But I believe what we need to do is encourage said girls (and all girls, everywhere for that matter) to learn how to be self-aware and speak up for themselves, not insist the men in their lives do that for them. Sitting back and going, "I don't know what I like or want, but it's your job to figure that out!" isn't the answer. And finding out what we like sexually is a life-long process anyway. A 21-year-old girl is just at a certain point in her development. Trust me--when she's 31, she'll know better. But, again, that's a journey of exploration she needs to take responsibility for. Her partners need to be open to listening and game for trying different things to find out what works, but like I said in my original comment--she needs to say, "I want to learn what makes me come, so help me learn it!"
A lot of this comes down to what society teaches women about their bodies, not singular asshole male partners who take women at their word when they say they don't care. This means we need to encourage women to have greater agency around sex--which means telling them it's okay for them to explore their bodies and speak up.
110
I'm just grateful that I can sit down next to my fiance and say, "Honey, I've been giving more blowjobs as per your request--now can we use the whip more often, please?"
111
@103: "not everyone needs orgasms, not everyone can have orgasms, not everyone thinks they're the most important part of sex, and not everyone who can't come is missing something."
Did I stumble onto the wrong site? Pat Robertson, is that you?
I'd be interested to know what percentage of people who don't come are physically unable. I'm betting for most, it's in your head, which is the largest sex organ in the body. If you can change your mind, you can change your sex life.
@109 shanahnah: What I said @101 sounded extremely emotional to you? Really? I was just calling bullshit on the Junior Therapist diagnosis of passive aggression. What it seems to me is another girl trying to save another guy's ego when he can't make her come, which is pretty sweet, if misguided.
Maybe I'm just not understanding why people readily accept NOT having orgasms when its oh-so-very possible. I mean, I get that sex is lovely without it, but wouldn't it be so much lovlier if you CAME? Why not approach it with a "hey, let's try a little sumpin sumpin"? Even if you don't come, you tried somethin new, and got pretty worked up in the process.
I didn't mean to imply that the girl should lie there and let the boy deal with pleasing her. I agree that women need to speak up. If some of what I said sounded good to her, she could share that with him and try a thing or two.
Gotta say, I'm really blown away by the "orgasm isn't all-that contingent. Dan? Weigh in here?
Did I stumble onto the wrong site? Pat Robertson, is that you?
I'd be interested to know what percentage of people who don't come are physically unable. I'm betting for most, it's in your head, which is the largest sex organ in the body. If you can change your mind, you can change your sex life.
@109 shanahnah: What I said @101 sounded extremely emotional to you? Really? I was just calling bullshit on the Junior Therapist diagnosis of passive aggression. What it seems to me is another girl trying to save another guy's ego when he can't make her come, which is pretty sweet, if misguided.
Maybe I'm just not understanding why people readily accept NOT having orgasms when its oh-so-very possible. I mean, I get that sex is lovely without it, but wouldn't it be so much lovlier if you CAME? Why not approach it with a "hey, let's try a little sumpin sumpin"? Even if you don't come, you tried somethin new, and got pretty worked up in the process.
I didn't mean to imply that the girl should lie there and let the boy deal with pleasing her. I agree that women need to speak up. If some of what I said sounded good to her, she could share that with him and try a thing or two.
Gotta say, I'm really blown away by the "orgasm isn't all-that contingent. Dan? Weigh in here?
113
@ggg At no point did I say she should just lie there and take it. I'm a huge fan of orgasms. I will say that some people claim to be asexual (and at varying points on the give-a-shit-about-sex scale), and those people are not necessarily just fooling themselves. Some people DO have orgasms and STILL don't really care about sex. But some people might genuinely enjoy their life without orgasms. Their choice, not mine.
That said, my first comment didn't even call you out specifically, so you must've seen some of your argument in what I was arguing against. My only issue with you is that in many of your comments in this thread you've basically taken the position that all girls who say they don't care are only doing it to spare their guy's ego. Two things are true. 1) If they are doing this, that's their bad. And if they're then sitting back and being pissed at homeboy for not trying harder, then they ARE being passive-aggressive. You're right--I'm no licensed counselor. However, I can read. 2) Not all women are saying they don't care because they're trying to protect their guy's ego. The fact that you seem to think that's the only reason women ever say such things shows a really strong bias. Some women might really mean it--or they might just THINK they mean it, but...do you see where that starts to get us into trouble?
Believe me, I'm very vocal about "Up with Orgasms!"--almost to the point that my friends are sick of hearing about it.
That said, my first comment didn't even call you out specifically, so you must've seen some of your argument in what I was arguing against. My only issue with you is that in many of your comments in this thread you've basically taken the position that all girls who say they don't care are only doing it to spare their guy's ego. Two things are true. 1) If they are doing this, that's their bad. And if they're then sitting back and being pissed at homeboy for not trying harder, then they ARE being passive-aggressive. You're right--I'm no licensed counselor. However, I can read. 2) Not all women are saying they don't care because they're trying to protect their guy's ego. The fact that you seem to think that's the only reason women ever say such things shows a really strong bias. Some women might really mean it--or they might just THINK they mean it, but...do you see where that starts to get us into trouble?
Believe me, I'm very vocal about "Up with Orgasms!"--almost to the point that my friends are sick of hearing about it.
114
Women who have trouble with orgasms should try Kegel exercises. Ben wa balls or jade eggs can help you locate, strengthen, & build awareness of your PC muscle.
Do your Kegels faithfully for 6 weeks and you should see improvement. It's like toning any other muscle.
Kegel exercises have many important health benefits as well.
Do your Kegels faithfully for 6 weeks and you should see improvement. It's like toning any other muscle.
Kegel exercises have many important health benefits as well.
115
ggg, the problem is that you're depicting pre-orgasmic women as if they were ripe apples waiting to be plucked by the right man, if only he'd be sensitive and patient enough. Some of them are, and that's wonderful.
But there are also a lot of fucked-up people out there who aren't accessible to any kind of intimacy, whose lives are dominated by rage and bitterness instead of passion and compassion, who'd rather be in control than be in love. What can you do with someone who doesn't WANT to feel these things?
You can sense a lot about a person's sexual self before you ever hop in bed with them. The women I've known who are pre-orgasmic, or who can only get off if everything is just right (and I'm not talking about PIV only here), have almost all been totally neurotic: resentful, preoccupied with power dynamics and control, bitter, anhedonic. Sex with them feels like work, not play.
I'm not sure which is cause and which is effect; all I know is that being around them is a hell of a lot less fun than being around other, more joyful spirits whose sexualities are more fluid and easy. Not even the most thoughtful, sensitive or insightful man can get past that stuff unless the woman genuinely wants it to happen.
But there are also a lot of fucked-up people out there who aren't accessible to any kind of intimacy, whose lives are dominated by rage and bitterness instead of passion and compassion, who'd rather be in control than be in love. What can you do with someone who doesn't WANT to feel these things?
You can sense a lot about a person's sexual self before you ever hop in bed with them. The women I've known who are pre-orgasmic, or who can only get off if everything is just right (and I'm not talking about PIV only here), have almost all been totally neurotic: resentful, preoccupied with power dynamics and control, bitter, anhedonic. Sex with them feels like work, not play.
I'm not sure which is cause and which is effect; all I know is that being around them is a hell of a lot less fun than being around other, more joyful spirits whose sexualities are more fluid and easy. Not even the most thoughtful, sensitive or insightful man can get past that stuff unless the woman genuinely wants it to happen.
116
@114 MommaBear: Great tip. Thanks for the reminder (I'm doin em now!) That must be why I like Pilates "engage the core!"
@115 ygg ygg: I was assuming that people who read this column are sex-positive, or at least aspire to be. A thoughtful, sensitive insightful man doesn't belong with a raging, bitter control freak anyhoo (God help him), but I suppose opposites attract.
I was basically talking about the ability to have an orgasm as being a learned thing. Whether you take control and teach your lover how to give you one, or he or she teaches you, or you figure it out together. Should be way more fun than these comments (including mine).
@113 And Shanahnah, I don't even know where to start. Your arguments about my views are largely based on generalizations and half-assed assumptions (that women who don't speak up are passive-aggressive, that I think all girls who say they don't care are only doing it to spare their guy's ego, etc). I don't like being told how I think, especially when you're trying to make a black-and-white issue of a very gray area. In fact, I agree with many of your points, but your need to categorize my views is extremely irritating. I'm sorry if I insulted you by calling the whole passive-aggressive thing bullshit, but I believe that's one term that's way overused, and I'd wager it's almost never the reason women tell men that orgasm isn't important to them.
@115 ygg ygg: I was assuming that people who read this column are sex-positive, or at least aspire to be. A thoughtful, sensitive insightful man doesn't belong with a raging, bitter control freak anyhoo (God help him), but I suppose opposites attract.
I was basically talking about the ability to have an orgasm as being a learned thing. Whether you take control and teach your lover how to give you one, or he or she teaches you, or you figure it out together. Should be way more fun than these comments (including mine).
@113 And Shanahnah, I don't even know where to start. Your arguments about my views are largely based on generalizations and half-assed assumptions (that women who don't speak up are passive-aggressive, that I think all girls who say they don't care are only doing it to spare their guy's ego, etc). I don't like being told how I think, especially when you're trying to make a black-and-white issue of a very gray area. In fact, I agree with many of your points, but your need to categorize my views is extremely irritating. I'm sorry if I insulted you by calling the whole passive-aggressive thing bullshit, but I believe that's one term that's way overused, and I'd wager it's almost never the reason women tell men that orgasm isn't important to them.
117
Dan does his column on orgasmic difficulties, then the readers explode in attacks on each other, to be followed by perhaps too emotional declarations. Incredible.
118
mommabear wrote:
Ben wa balls or jade eggs can help you locate, strengthen, & build awareness of your PC muscle.
***
Ooh, I'm gonna Google those!
Hunter78 wrote:
Dan does his column on orgasmic difficulties, then the readers explode in attacks on each other, to be followed by perhaps too emotional declarations. Incredible.
***
Maybe I'm just cynical, but I didn't expect any different. The Internet is a great breeding ground for snark. Thanks to everyone who decided to add their words of wisdom to the comments today, though!
Ben wa balls or jade eggs can help you locate, strengthen, & build awareness of your PC muscle.
***
Ooh, I'm gonna Google those!
Hunter78 wrote:
Dan does his column on orgasmic difficulties, then the readers explode in attacks on each other, to be followed by perhaps too emotional declarations. Incredible.
***
Maybe I'm just cynical, but I didn't expect any different. The Internet is a great breeding ground for snark. Thanks to everyone who decided to add their words of wisdom to the comments today, though!
120
i'm a woman who doesn't orgasm except through masturbation, and the last thing i want is for my husband to hassle me about it.
when we first got together, i told him this, and it did bother him, but he got over it. because i really enjoy sex. without orgasms.
the orgasms i do have are okay, but i don't find much difference between "peaking" on my own and almost getting there (but not quite) with other people. i don't find orgasms mind-blowing or amazing, just kind of nice.
so no, i really don't care about having them. i like my sex life.
do i have some kind of issue? maybe, and maybe eventually i'll go talk to a doctor or a therapist.
but the only thing that makes me think that way is the constant pressure in "the media" and the general cultural ambience that says there's something wrong with not orgasming. that's what makes me feel bad, and think there's something wrong with me.
when we first got together, i told him this, and it did bother him, but he got over it. because i really enjoy sex. without orgasms.
the orgasms i do have are okay, but i don't find much difference between "peaking" on my own and almost getting there (but not quite) with other people. i don't find orgasms mind-blowing or amazing, just kind of nice.
so no, i really don't care about having them. i like my sex life.
do i have some kind of issue? maybe, and maybe eventually i'll go talk to a doctor or a therapist.
but the only thing that makes me think that way is the constant pressure in "the media" and the general cultural ambience that says there's something wrong with not orgasming. that's what makes me feel bad, and think there's something wrong with me.
123
@120: There's nothing wrong with you! Please don't feel bad! You're completely normal. It's very very common to only be able to come on your own. Not everyone's body is wired the same way. All that media/cultural/sex advice stuff is just there as a fun option that some people might enjoy experimenting with, not something that you're supposed to measure up to.
124
@123: Thanks :)
i think i just reacted really strongly to Dan's response to the first letter, as it is such a common attitude - there is something WRONG if you don't orgasm, as though sex isn't valuable without it.
it doesn't bother me often, but it's one of those niggling itches that comes up when i read stuff like this.
normally, i think dan's fab.
i think i just reacted really strongly to Dan's response to the first letter, as it is such a common attitude - there is something WRONG if you don't orgasm, as though sex isn't valuable without it.
it doesn't bother me often, but it's one of those niggling itches that comes up when i read stuff like this.
normally, i think dan's fab.
125
@124 (lucifermourning): I think Dan's great when it comes (pun intended) to advice for men, but he misses the boat when it comes to advising women sometimes! There's only so much a guy can imagine about what sex is like for the "fairer sex," and since he doesn't have a good reason to have discussed the topic one-on-one, in intimate detail, *in person* with a wide range of women, he's contending with a significant gap in knowledge, IMHO.
126
@120: Before anything else let me say that I appreciate your thoughtful post and respect your right to have your sexuality on your own terms.
Having said that, I do think your post brings up two issues. First, I'm wary of framing these issues in terms of "the general culture ambience" making a person feel bad. I mean, yes, of course, I understand what you mean. But at the same time, is there ANY way that someone could say to you "I think you're missing out" without making you feel bad? Because otherwise, aren't you just projecting your own frustration?
For many years, like you, I found my orgasms to be nothing more than "kind of nice", and I was frustrated by that. But I didn't blame society or culture for that; instead, I was GRATEFUL that I knew that it could be better, because it gave me hope that orgasm could be more than just a vague, sneeze-like feeling. Eventually I figured out how to make that happen, and it was a literally life-changing experience.
(rest of post below)
Having said that, I do think your post brings up two issues. First, I'm wary of framing these issues in terms of "the general culture ambience" making a person feel bad. I mean, yes, of course, I understand what you mean. But at the same time, is there ANY way that someone could say to you "I think you're missing out" without making you feel bad? Because otherwise, aren't you just projecting your own frustration?
For many years, like you, I found my orgasms to be nothing more than "kind of nice", and I was frustrated by that. But I didn't blame society or culture for that; instead, I was GRATEFUL that I knew that it could be better, because it gave me hope that orgasm could be more than just a vague, sneeze-like feeling. Eventually I figured out how to make that happen, and it was a literally life-changing experience.
(rest of post below)
127
(continued from 126)
The second issue is going to be more controversial, but I don't really care if it pisses anyone off or makes them feel bad, because I need to speak plainly:
I really think that it's a big deal when someone can ONLY have orgasms if they do themselves, and are NEVER able to get off if the primary stimulation is coming from their partners. This goes for men, women, straight, gay, lesbian, queer, and anything-else too, and covers any form of sexual expression: PIV, oral, anal, manual, whatever.
Speaking for myself, there's a HUGE difference between getting myself off and letting someone else get me off. It's totally a control thing, and I think part of intimacy is being able to temporarily give up that control, because it breaks the boundaries between people in a way that getting yourself off doesn't.
I think that people who can NEVER do that - not even from oral, not even from a vibrator held by their SO - are missing out, and while it's not their fault, it also doesn't do them any good to sugarcoat the issue. And like several earlier posters, I think this stuff is heavily, heavily bound up with a person's psychology. Yes, sometimes "nerve endings or neurotransmitters" are the issue, but I think way more often, it's between the ears. When that issue is successfully addressed, I think people are happier both in their sex lives, and in their lives as a whole.
The second issue is going to be more controversial, but I don't really care if it pisses anyone off or makes them feel bad, because I need to speak plainly:
I really think that it's a big deal when someone can ONLY have orgasms if they do themselves, and are NEVER able to get off if the primary stimulation is coming from their partners. This goes for men, women, straight, gay, lesbian, queer, and anything-else too, and covers any form of sexual expression: PIV, oral, anal, manual, whatever.
Speaking for myself, there's a HUGE difference between getting myself off and letting someone else get me off. It's totally a control thing, and I think part of intimacy is being able to temporarily give up that control, because it breaks the boundaries between people in a way that getting yourself off doesn't.
I think that people who can NEVER do that - not even from oral, not even from a vibrator held by their SO - are missing out, and while it's not their fault, it also doesn't do them any good to sugarcoat the issue. And like several earlier posters, I think this stuff is heavily, heavily bound up with a person's psychology. Yes, sometimes "nerve endings or neurotransmitters" are the issue, but I think way more often, it's between the ears. When that issue is successfully addressed, I think people are happier both in their sex lives, and in their lives as a whole.
129
(Sheepy's comments are #126 and #127, for those of you who, like me, stick with The Stranger's default setting for registered users, and don't usually see unregistered commenters' posts.)
130
I agree Sheepy...I am the same way. You definitely hit the nail on the head. I think some of it had to do with me aging (I am in my 30's now), but most of it had to do with meeting the right guy who made me feel comfortable enough to completely trust him and "let go".
That sensation of "letting go" for me was hugely terrifying, and took YEARS before I was able to do it with him. But when I finally gained enough trust to do it? HOO BOY!! Wow, absolutely life-changing. So, yes, it takes practice, and a *huge* amount of trust!
I certainly can't speak for all women, because I know we all have such different anatompies and psychologies, but I never thought I would meet someone who could make me come harder then I could make myself. I was wrong. When I mastered the art of "letting go", I learned how to come from penetration alone, multiples, and then really freaky shit too. Orgasms on command, and orgasms from just being touched on non-genital regions or even from oral sex for him. But the letting go was the key, and it was indeed super scary.
That sensation of "letting go" for me was hugely terrifying, and took YEARS before I was able to do it with him. But when I finally gained enough trust to do it? HOO BOY!! Wow, absolutely life-changing. So, yes, it takes practice, and a *huge* amount of trust!
I certainly can't speak for all women, because I know we all have such different anatompies and psychologies, but I never thought I would meet someone who could make me come harder then I could make myself. I was wrong. When I mastered the art of "letting go", I learned how to come from penetration alone, multiples, and then really freaky shit too. Orgasms on command, and orgasms from just being touched on non-genital regions or even from oral sex for him. But the letting go was the key, and it was indeed super scary.
131
@120
Thank you! I am totally the same way, and once I finally let go of the goal of orgasm with partners, I began to enjoy sex so much more. I still sometimes have partners who don't get it, and they usually take 1 of these 2 unacceptable approaches:
1. The "You just haven't been with me" approach.
2. The "Oh, so I don't have to concern myself with your pleasure at all" approach.
Both suck.
I enjoy so much about sex now that I'm not trying to do something that I cannot do. I actually feel bad for people who only enjoy sex if they have an orgasm. They are missing out on a world of pleasure.
The sexual revolution, and what it did for women's right to sexual pleasure, was a huge step forward. Unfortunately, "sexual satisfaction" was (and is still) defined as orgasm, which is a pretty patriarchal view... orgasm is typically the end of a sexual encounter for a man, but not necessarily for a woman. Furthermore, the sourceless statistic I've seen thrown around estimates that about 25% of women cannot achieve orgasm.... that's roughly 25% of women who are told by society that they are not getting what they should be getting out of sex. Pretty empowering, right?
Thank you! I am totally the same way, and once I finally let go of the goal of orgasm with partners, I began to enjoy sex so much more. I still sometimes have partners who don't get it, and they usually take 1 of these 2 unacceptable approaches:
1. The "You just haven't been with me" approach.
2. The "Oh, so I don't have to concern myself with your pleasure at all" approach.
Both suck.
I enjoy so much about sex now that I'm not trying to do something that I cannot do. I actually feel bad for people who only enjoy sex if they have an orgasm. They are missing out on a world of pleasure.
The sexual revolution, and what it did for women's right to sexual pleasure, was a huge step forward. Unfortunately, "sexual satisfaction" was (and is still) defined as orgasm, which is a pretty patriarchal view... orgasm is typically the end of a sexual encounter for a man, but not necessarily for a woman. Furthermore, the sourceless statistic I've seen thrown around estimates that about 25% of women cannot achieve orgasm.... that's roughly 25% of women who are told by society that they are not getting what they should be getting out of sex. Pretty empowering, right?
132
@Sheepy:
I think this stuff is heavily, heavily bound up with a person's psychology. Yes, sometimes "nerve endings or neurotransmitters" are the issue, but I think way more often, it's between the ears.
So, do you have any data to back this assertion up? Anything other than your own gut feeling?
I think this stuff is heavily, heavily bound up with a person's psychology. Yes, sometimes "nerve endings or neurotransmitters" are the issue, but I think way more often, it's between the ears.
So, do you have any data to back this assertion up? Anything other than your own gut feeling?
133
@My Name Here, @badgirl: Hey, thanks very much!
@echizen_kurage: I'm willing to have a conversation in good faith, though in truth I hesitate because of your previous aggro in this thread and because your posting history suggests that you're probably looking for a fight, not a conversation. I'll be happy to be proved wrong on the latter.
In any event, I don't accept that my only two options are "gut feeling" and "data", by which I presume you mean something like a double-blind study. I'd call my assertion an informed opinion, based on my own experience, the experience of people I know, conversations with psych professionals and sex therapists over the years, my own research into the topic, and abundant research describing the ways in which body and mind influence one another (i.e. that thought patterns affect the body profoundly, and that the body's responses can change massively if the underlying thoughts are changed). But I can't offer you a Big Pharma-style trial in which half the participants pop pills and the other half go to shrinks. (I don't know that such a trial would prove anything, since the format is inherently prejudicial towards "simple" solutions like drug therapy.)
@echizen_kurage: I'm willing to have a conversation in good faith, though in truth I hesitate because of your previous aggro in this thread and because your posting history suggests that you're probably looking for a fight, not a conversation. I'll be happy to be proved wrong on the latter.
In any event, I don't accept that my only two options are "gut feeling" and "data", by which I presume you mean something like a double-blind study. I'd call my assertion an informed opinion, based on my own experience, the experience of people I know, conversations with psych professionals and sex therapists over the years, my own research into the topic, and abundant research describing the ways in which body and mind influence one another (i.e. that thought patterns affect the body profoundly, and that the body's responses can change massively if the underlying thoughts are changed). But I can't offer you a Big Pharma-style trial in which half the participants pop pills and the other half go to shrinks. (I don't know that such a trial would prove anything, since the format is inherently prejudicial towards "simple" solutions like drug therapy.)
134
So if a guy doesn't make a big deal over his girl not reaching the Big O he's thoughtless, insensitive and doesn't give a shit about her pleasure? If he does make a big deal over it then he's an impatient, insecure macho jerk?
135
Put me in the camp of "You may be content with your [non-orgasmic / non-orgasmic with partners / non-orgasmic thru partner's efforts alone] sex life, but please remain open to the idea that your sex life could still improve by incorporating some of those things."
I was happy (in my 20s) to have sex with my boyfriend back when I could only come alone in a room with a vibrator. I don't like Ygg Ygg's insults @115-- "totally neurotic: resentful, preoccupied with power dynamics and control, bitter, anhedonic." I'd say I was young and inexperienced, not bitter.
I was happy (in my 30s) to have sex with my husband when I could only come through my own efforts, usually after we had PIV sex - and we both enjoyed that I was getting off while he cuddled me.
And now I'm happy (in my 40s) that I can come with him inside me, if I control the clitoral stimulation. Without the PIV, he can hold the vibe and get me off. And as we discovered recently, if I read sex stories, then he can get me off from oral - yay!
It's all a journey. Don't push a partner too hard, but encourage your partner to be receptive to change. Change happens.
I was happy (in my 20s) to have sex with my boyfriend back when I could only come alone in a room with a vibrator. I don't like Ygg Ygg's insults @115-- "totally neurotic: resentful, preoccupied with power dynamics and control, bitter, anhedonic." I'd say I was young and inexperienced, not bitter.
I was happy (in my 30s) to have sex with my husband when I could only come through my own efforts, usually after we had PIV sex - and we both enjoyed that I was getting off while he cuddled me.
And now I'm happy (in my 40s) that I can come with him inside me, if I control the clitoral stimulation. Without the PIV, he can hold the vibe and get me off. And as we discovered recently, if I read sex stories, then he can get me off from oral - yay!
It's all a journey. Don't push a partner too hard, but encourage your partner to be receptive to change. Change happens.
136
@103 (57 & 134 said the same thing dickishly): "You're asking people to walk an impossible line between not pressuring a girl and pushing her to have orgasms"
Yes, there are many ways of being a jerk and no perfect guidelines for how to be a decent human being. That's why there are so many jerks out there. Try to find a partner who will cut you some slack if you seem like you care, and then try to care about her opinions, her sensations, her orgasms, her happiness.
Yes, there are many ways of being a jerk and no perfect guidelines for how to be a decent human being. That's why there are so many jerks out there. Try to find a partner who will cut you some slack if you seem like you care, and then try to care about her opinions, her sensations, her orgasms, her happiness.
137
Re HMC, the anorgasmic woman: Good advice, but way too harsh on her boyfriend.
I've been with a woman who'd never had an orgasm before, and the dynamics were tricky. She insisted it was impossible for her, and worried that my focus on her orgasm meant that I didn't accept her.
It took a lot of persistence and patience from me to finally convince her to relax and allow me to figure it out with her, which (happily) we eventually did. Had I caved in to her resistance, however, we would have failed, and it would have had nothing to do with me being selfish.
I've been with a woman who'd never had an orgasm before, and the dynamics were tricky. She insisted it was impossible for her, and worried that my focus on her orgasm meant that I didn't accept her.
It took a lot of persistence and patience from me to finally convince her to relax and allow me to figure it out with her, which (happily) we eventually did. Had I caved in to her resistance, however, we would have failed, and it would have had nothing to do with me being selfish.
138
@47 - Yeah, my wife isn't always interested in coming either. A fella's got to learn to work with what's on the menu, even if that means making the huge sacrifice of sitting back and enjoying a blow job. :-)
140
#85 (and others who seem to think I'm blaming men when women don't orgasm), let me try rewriting my original comment in point form and one-syllable words so you can maybe get it this time:
1) A guy or girl that you fuck may say they never need to come, don't like this or that sex act, blah blah blah.
2) I say, if this takes place: ask more things. To know what a guy or girl wants in bed is good but to know why they want it is more good.
3) To talk and know why may lead to fun new kinds of sex for one or both of you. Or it may not. But if done right it will for sure lead to shared warmth.
4) ...BUT, if you ask why and he or she says things that can't be fixed, or gets mad, then STFU and do not ask any more.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TALK OR ASK WHY BUT IT MIGHT BE GOOD. AND, IF YOU DO WHAT HE OR SHE ASKS AND THEY DON'T HAVE FUN IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT ONE BIT. IT IS THEIRS.
I hope that's easier to understand.
1) A guy or girl that you fuck may say they never need to come, don't like this or that sex act, blah blah blah.
2) I say, if this takes place: ask more things. To know what a guy or girl wants in bed is good but to know why they want it is more good.
3) To talk and know why may lead to fun new kinds of sex for one or both of you. Or it may not. But if done right it will for sure lead to shared warmth.
4) ...BUT, if you ask why and he or she says things that can't be fixed, or gets mad, then STFU and do not ask any more.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TALK OR ASK WHY BUT IT MIGHT BE GOOD. AND, IF YOU DO WHAT HE OR SHE ASKS AND THEY DON'T HAVE FUN IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT ONE BIT. IT IS THEIRS.
I hope that's easier to understand.
141
ggg: I was trying to offer some things I found helpful to get to the relaxed, tingly and sensation-ready place you need to be in to even hope for an orgasm.
...But you phrased it like an attack, like "OMG, Men of the Internet, why do you suck so much? If you want your girlfriend to come then you have to stop being such neglectful bastards and start with the foreplay!"
FYI, it took my first bf months of trying before he could get me off, even though I'd been getting myself off for years by that point. It wasn't a lack of forplay or arousal; in those days I could get turned on if the wind changed direction. :P The issue was simply that another human being can never precisely replicate the hand movements I use on myself, so it took my body a while to learn how to respond to the moves of another person.
I hate the stereotype that all women need mushy gentle stuff in order to get off and guys are all ham-fisted idiots who just wanna jackhammer away.
I do love foreplay, baths, etc....sometimes. But I'm also dominant and feisty and pretty quick to get revved up. My ex used to consistently approach me in the stereotypical "sensual" way that women are supposed to crave and I would consistently have to cut to the chase and shove his hand down onto my crotch.
"More foreplay" is not the universal answer to How to Properly Sex a Woman, is all I'm saying.
...But you phrased it like an attack, like "OMG, Men of the Internet, why do you suck so much? If you want your girlfriend to come then you have to stop being such neglectful bastards and start with the foreplay!"
FYI, it took my first bf months of trying before he could get me off, even though I'd been getting myself off for years by that point. It wasn't a lack of forplay or arousal; in those days I could get turned on if the wind changed direction. :P The issue was simply that another human being can never precisely replicate the hand movements I use on myself, so it took my body a while to learn how to respond to the moves of another person.
I hate the stereotype that all women need mushy gentle stuff in order to get off and guys are all ham-fisted idiots who just wanna jackhammer away.
I do love foreplay, baths, etc....sometimes. But I'm also dominant and feisty and pretty quick to get revved up. My ex used to consistently approach me in the stereotypical "sensual" way that women are supposed to crave and I would consistently have to cut to the chase and shove his hand down onto my crotch.
"More foreplay" is not the universal answer to How to Properly Sex a Woman, is all I'm saying.
142
Ok, in spirit of the avalanche of serious advice being proffered to Dan's featured cases, let me offer some words to TQA (the guy who's gf doesn't come with him.):
1) Try to forget your pleasure. Your job is to dominate her, and make her gush. Don't worry, your pleasure will still be there constantly.
2) Focus on masturbating her. Your fingers need to become the best sexual organ she has ever known. Better than her own. Concentrate on her clit. Not just the glans and shaft. Let your index finger focus on them. The clit also has two legs that open the curtain to the rest of her vulva-- let your middle finger and thumb trace their tendernesses. Yes, yes, you can switch off with swirls of the clit head, or actual finger-fucking, but remember, your goal is the whole of her clit.
3) During this time she should be blow- or hand-jobbing you. Enjoy, but don't come.
4) Do not cock-penetrate her before she comes, unless you are confident of your ability to get in, wreck havoc, and get back out still ready to fuck.
5) After she eventually does come, plunge in. Her cunt will be more receptive and your cock experience less resistance. But you do not have to end here, you can spew anywhere you want.
Easier said than done, but practice makes.
At end, if she insists she doesn't need to come with you, find someone who wants to.
1) Try to forget your pleasure. Your job is to dominate her, and make her gush. Don't worry, your pleasure will still be there constantly.
2) Focus on masturbating her. Your fingers need to become the best sexual organ she has ever known. Better than her own. Concentrate on her clit. Not just the glans and shaft. Let your index finger focus on them. The clit also has two legs that open the curtain to the rest of her vulva-- let your middle finger and thumb trace their tendernesses. Yes, yes, you can switch off with swirls of the clit head, or actual finger-fucking, but remember, your goal is the whole of her clit.
3) During this time she should be blow- or hand-jobbing you. Enjoy, but don't come.
4) Do not cock-penetrate her before she comes, unless you are confident of your ability to get in, wreck havoc, and get back out still ready to fuck.
5) After she eventually does come, plunge in. Her cunt will be more receptive and your cock experience less resistance. But you do not have to end here, you can spew anywhere you want.
Easier said than done, but practice makes.
At end, if she insists she doesn't need to come with you, find someone who wants to.
143
After coming, "her cunt will be more receptive and...[offer] less resistance" Does this even make sense? Don't the contractions mean that a cunt feels tighter to him after the woman comes?
Something about this whole description made me sad for the woman in question, whose pussy puts up resistance to the havoc-wrecking cock as long as it can... Her orgasm is his goal (as a sign of his prowess), and aside from that, he's not interested in her pleasure or preferences.
Something about this whole description made me sad for the woman in question, whose pussy puts up resistance to the havoc-wrecking cock as long as it can... Her orgasm is his goal (as a sign of his prowess), and aside from that, he's not interested in her pleasure or preferences.
144
@110 (shahnahnah) - I just noticed your post, and wanted to comment that if your fiance isn't interested in whipping you now, he's not going to be interested in whipping you after you're married. And if you're not loving the blowjobs now, you're probably going to resent the way he nags you for them in a few years. Something to consider before you get married.
145
@136: I don't think not being a dick is that difficult: just be open to your partner's pleasure, offer to try new things and take time to do things that he/she likes, and don't worry about or focus on orgasm, just on giving pleasure.
I wrote that about "walking an impossible line" in response to ggg, who seemed to favor a more aggressive approach insisting that your partner come. That seems a little too much like pressuring your partner.
I wrote that about "walking an impossible line" in response to ggg, who seemed to favor a more aggressive approach insisting that your partner come. That seems a little too much like pressuring your partner.
146
@EricaP, you seem to be reading more into these comments than is actually there. Calm your indignation.
@143: Post-orgasm (as in when the spasms are done), the vagina is looser, muscles relaxed, all that. In other words, @142 is trying to say hey, be expecting that a post-orgasmic vagina is not as tight.
@143: Post-orgasm (as in when the spasms are done), the vagina is looser, muscles relaxed, all that. In other words, @142 is trying to say hey, be expecting that a post-orgasmic vagina is not as tight.
147
@146 - I've just never heard that before. Tightness is generally considered a good thing in a cunt. Are there valid concerns that the vagina might feel too loose if the girl has already come?
You should have seen the screed I originally wrote. "Trace their tendernesses" indeed.
You should have seen the screed I originally wrote. "Trace their tendernesses" indeed.
148
EricaP (143 and 147),
The cunt is indeed more receptive (looser, wetter) after she comes, so he can pound her more.
A cunt coming on a cock is a wonderful event, but she isn't even coming at all with him. He needs to get them to a place where they have a chance to experience it (among other things).
The cunt is indeed more receptive (looser, wetter) after she comes, so he can pound her more.
A cunt coming on a cock is a wonderful event, but she isn't even coming at all with him. He needs to get them to a place where they have a chance to experience it (among other things).
151
I love you Dan. Reading your column has helped me overcome my raised-as-a-Catholic-and-sex-is-evil upbringing. I told my husband he should thank you, but I think I weirded him out.
153
@Sheepy:
Um . . . sorry for the "aggro"? I didn't realize I was being particularly aggressive, although I will admit that I love a good argument, at least on teh interwebz.
Here's where I'm coming from: as you may or may not have guessed, I'm one of those "totally neurotic, bitter, resentful" women (to borrow Ygg Ygg's charming phrasing) who can only come with a vibrator. My partners can sometimes get me off using one, but I have a much a higher success rate when I'm flying solo. Maybe this is because I automatically know exactly when and how to adjust the position and pressure of the vibrator, in a way that my partner can't (unless, of course, I someday manage to hook up with a telepath). Maybe it's because I have "problems between the ears" (to borrow your charming phrasing). Either way, that's my situation, and yeah, it kinda sucks. Not as much as being totally anorgasmic, of course, but I still don't love it. What I love even less is being told by some soi-disant sexpert that my orgasmic impairment is the product of my flawed personality.
At any rate, my question for you is this: if difficulty achieving orgasm is, as you claim, primarily psychological, then why does this difficulty disproportionately afflict women? If the problem is rooted in physiology, then the prevalence of female orgasmic dysfunction makes perfect evolutionary sense: female orgasm is not essential to reproduction in the way that male orgasm is, and would not be selected for as strongly (if at all). But if the problem is psychological (inasmuch as psychology can be separated from physiology), then wouldn't we expect to see a more equal gender distribution of orgasmic dysfunction?
Um . . . sorry for the "aggro"? I didn't realize I was being particularly aggressive, although I will admit that I love a good argument, at least on teh interwebz.
Here's where I'm coming from: as you may or may not have guessed, I'm one of those "totally neurotic, bitter, resentful" women (to borrow Ygg Ygg's charming phrasing) who can only come with a vibrator. My partners can sometimes get me off using one, but I have a much a higher success rate when I'm flying solo. Maybe this is because I automatically know exactly when and how to adjust the position and pressure of the vibrator, in a way that my partner can't (unless, of course, I someday manage to hook up with a telepath). Maybe it's because I have "problems between the ears" (to borrow your charming phrasing). Either way, that's my situation, and yeah, it kinda sucks. Not as much as being totally anorgasmic, of course, but I still don't love it. What I love even less is being told by some soi-disant sexpert that my orgasmic impairment is the product of my flawed personality.
At any rate, my question for you is this: if difficulty achieving orgasm is, as you claim, primarily psychological, then why does this difficulty disproportionately afflict women? If the problem is rooted in physiology, then the prevalence of female orgasmic dysfunction makes perfect evolutionary sense: female orgasm is not essential to reproduction in the way that male orgasm is, and would not be selected for as strongly (if at all). But if the problem is psychological (inasmuch as psychology can be separated from physiology), then wouldn't we expect to see a more equal gender distribution of orgasmic dysfunction?
154
@153, Aren't we, as women, especially trained by society to be self-conscious about our bodies? My own case supports Sheepy's claim. If I'm in my head (and thinking about someone else's needs or presence keeps me in my head), then I'm too self-conscious and I can't come. But alone, with a story (imagined or textual), I can come easily. Because I'm in the story, not in my head. When we try to recreate that with another person in the room (give me stories to focus on, so I forget the other person is there), it really helps me get to orgasm. I recommend it!
155
@EricaP:
Thanks for the advice. I've appreciated your posts throughout this thread and elsewhere, and I've definitely found that fantasizing/reading erotica is an orgasm booster. However, I do maintain that culture and psychology alone do not adequately explain the disparity in orgasmic capacity between males and females, and that in many cases, the problem is genetically hardwired.
Thanks for the advice. I've appreciated your posts throughout this thread and elsewhere, and I've definitely found that fantasizing/reading erotica is an orgasm booster. However, I do maintain that culture and psychology alone do not adequately explain the disparity in orgasmic capacity between males and females, and that in many cases, the problem is genetically hardwired.
156
echizen_kruage:
There is evidence to suggest that the further the clitoris is from the vagina, the harder it is for the woman to orgasm (at least during intercourse. I believe women whose clitorises are less than a quarter centimeter from their vaginal opening have the easiest time and are the ones who can come without any direct, focused stimulation. Those whose clits are a centimeter away have a much harder time. So yes, physiology and anatomy play a role.
I've been agreeing with many things you, EricaP, and ggg have been saying about women's socialization to be uncomfortable with their own bodies, to not be aware of what arouses them, to not know what they're missing if they are young and haven't yet orgasmed, to not know what to ask for or how to ask for it or direct it, to not want to be a drag to their partners, etc.
There is evidence to suggest that the further the clitoris is from the vagina, the harder it is for the woman to orgasm (at least during intercourse. I believe women whose clitorises are less than a quarter centimeter from their vaginal opening have the easiest time and are the ones who can come without any direct, focused stimulation. Those whose clits are a centimeter away have a much harder time. So yes, physiology and anatomy play a role.
I've been agreeing with many things you, EricaP, and ggg have been saying about women's socialization to be uncomfortable with their own bodies, to not be aware of what arouses them, to not know what they're missing if they are young and haven't yet orgasmed, to not know what to ask for or how to ask for it or direct it, to not want to be a drag to their partners, etc.
157
Thanks for the link. Though when I read that "up to 45% of the differences between women in their ability to reach orgasm can be explained by their genes" -- I am reminded that the phrase "up to..." includes the number 0.
Also, the study doesn't address how the genes affect orgasm: "Whether that basis is anatomical, physiological or psychological remains uncertain."
Maybe some women are genetically more susceptible to body issues, or they have clits which are harder to access, or whatever. They still might be able to improve their own orgasms through education and experimentation. Biology is not destiny.
(Note that the study is about differences among women, not differences between men and women. Many men also have trouble reaching orgasm the way they think they should be able to.)
Also, the study doesn't address how the genes affect orgasm: "Whether that basis is anatomical, physiological or psychological remains uncertain."
Maybe some women are genetically more susceptible to body issues, or they have clits which are harder to access, or whatever. They still might be able to improve their own orgasms through education and experimentation. Biology is not destiny.
(Note that the study is about differences among women, not differences between men and women. Many men also have trouble reaching orgasm the way they think they should be able to.)
158
Re Savage Podcast 125, the intro,
Dan rails against posing your asshole in front of the Christmas tree and that the Holidays are the unsexiest time of the year.
I say, loosen up, Dan, your Catholic upbringing still binds in places. The asshole demonstration may not belong to the middle eastern virgin birth thing, but it fits perfectly well to Saturnalia, another important source for the Holiday. The Christmas tree also does not fit in the nativity scene, but I don't think that's your gripe. Still, your friends would be well advised not to send you such greetings.
Dan rails against posing your asshole in front of the Christmas tree and that the Holidays are the unsexiest time of the year.
I say, loosen up, Dan, your Catholic upbringing still binds in places. The asshole demonstration may not belong to the middle eastern virgin birth thing, but it fits perfectly well to Saturnalia, another important source for the Holiday. The Christmas tree also does not fit in the nativity scene, but I don't think that's your gripe. Still, your friends would be well advised not to send you such greetings.
159
@ EricaP:
Yes, zero falls within the "up to 45%" range, but presumably the genetic influence on female orgasmic capacity is somewhere north of zero; otherwise, the study wouldn't have found a significant correlation between orgasmic (dys)function and genetic proximity.
I can't remember any figures about male versus female orgasmic dysfunction offhand, and I'm feeling too lazy to go looking -- but my sense is that female orgasmic dysfunction is far, far more prevalent than its male counterpart, particularly in the young-to-middle-aged segment of the population. I suspect that a sizable percentage of males may develop orgasmic dysfunction as they age, but comparatively few suffer from orgasmic dysfunction throughout their lives. Of course, this is just my sense of the situation, so take it with a grain of salt.
I'm not claiming that biology is destiny, or that women who are predisposed toward orgasmic dysfunction can't learn to work around their difficulties. But I wanted to provide a counterpoint to Sheepy's claim that the etiology of orgasmic dysfunction lies primarily "between the ears." (Not only did this comment rub me the wrong way -- as you've probably already noticed -- but I honestly believe that it's a gross oversimplification of the issue.)
Speaking from personal experience, with the caveat that anecdote =/= datum, the most highly orgasmic woman I ever met was intimacy-phobic and highly body-conscious. (She didn't even like me looking at her when we had sex.) But she could go from zero to orgasm in thirty seconds flat. On the other end of the spectrum, I have a good friend who shares all my orgasmic difficulties -- but where I'm a big ol' bundle of neuroses, she's extremely well-adjusted, self-confident, in a stable, loving relationship, etc. So, questions of wounded pride aside -- and I'm willing to admit that's part of my issue, here -- Sheepy's claim really doesn't ring true for me on an experiential level.
@ NoCuteName:
Huh, that's interesting (although, when I think about it, it does make a lot of sense). Thanks for the info! And thanks also for your earlier "glass three-quarters fill" comment -- as someone in a similar situation, I really appreciate your positive outlook.
More...
Yes, zero falls within the "up to 45%" range, but presumably the genetic influence on female orgasmic capacity is somewhere north of zero; otherwise, the study wouldn't have found a significant correlation between orgasmic (dys)function and genetic proximity.
I can't remember any figures about male versus female orgasmic dysfunction offhand, and I'm feeling too lazy to go looking -- but my sense is that female orgasmic dysfunction is far, far more prevalent than its male counterpart, particularly in the young-to-middle-aged segment of the population. I suspect that a sizable percentage of males may develop orgasmic dysfunction as they age, but comparatively few suffer from orgasmic dysfunction throughout their lives. Of course, this is just my sense of the situation, so take it with a grain of salt.
I'm not claiming that biology is destiny, or that women who are predisposed toward orgasmic dysfunction can't learn to work around their difficulties. But I wanted to provide a counterpoint to Sheepy's claim that the etiology of orgasmic dysfunction lies primarily "between the ears." (Not only did this comment rub me the wrong way -- as you've probably already noticed -- but I honestly believe that it's a gross oversimplification of the issue.)
Speaking from personal experience, with the caveat that anecdote =/= datum, the most highly orgasmic woman I ever met was intimacy-phobic and highly body-conscious. (She didn't even like me looking at her when we had sex.) But she could go from zero to orgasm in thirty seconds flat. On the other end of the spectrum, I have a good friend who shares all my orgasmic difficulties -- but where I'm a big ol' bundle of neuroses, she's extremely well-adjusted, self-confident, in a stable, loving relationship, etc. So, questions of wounded pride aside -- and I'm willing to admit that's part of my issue, here -- Sheepy's claim really doesn't ring true for me on an experiential level.
@ NoCuteName:
Huh, that's interesting (although, when I think about it, it does make a lot of sense). Thanks for the info! And thanks also for your earlier "glass three-quarters fill" comment -- as someone in a similar situation, I really appreciate your positive outlook.
160
Don't worry "BLOWJOB". I have the same problem. I'm on Zoloft and having an orgasm through a blowjob or handjob is difficult for me. If he's on an antidepressant there are some things you can do. When my wife wants to give me a handjob she uses a Fleshlight on me. It's so tight that every nerve in my penis is being stimulated. When she wants to blow me I insert an Aneros prostate stimulator. Between the tounge on my penis and the stimulation on my prostate I orgasm alot quicker. You don't even have to buy an Aneros, you can stimulate his prostate with your finger also.
Try a few of these things.
Try a few of these things.
161
"However, he doesn't orgasm when I blow him or give him a handjob. He says he's never been able to come from blowjobs or handjobs "
Is it really a blowjob if he doesn't come?
Is it really a blowjob if he doesn't come?
163
@162
Why, OF COURSE you call it unsatisfying oral sort-of stimulation! Can't have people who've had their cocks sucked for, say, 45 minutes straight without coming thinking they'd gotten a blowjob!
Why, OF COURSE you call it unsatisfying oral sort-of stimulation! Can't have people who've had their cocks sucked for, say, 45 minutes straight without coming thinking they'd gotten a blowjob!
164
I love the wording by BLOWJOB. "I'm in college and in a super fantastic relationship". Super fantastic? A)Are you even old to be legally having sex with someone else? B)Sure, that's why you're writing to Dan Savage. Hah.
165
Damn, lots of anger here.
I still agree with Sheepy. I only know that when I was younger, and had a shitload of body image issues, no come. Now that I am older, shed the weight, shed the image problem, and discovered yoga and an amazing lover, I can come at the drop of a hat. *My* inability to orgasm when younger with a partner WAS mental, like 100%.
But I am not getting my panties in a wad about it. But maybe thats because I came a LOT this weekend, lol! I am in a pretty mellow mood right now...
I still agree with Sheepy. I only know that when I was younger, and had a shitload of body image issues, no come. Now that I am older, shed the weight, shed the image problem, and discovered yoga and an amazing lover, I can come at the drop of a hat. *My* inability to orgasm when younger with a partner WAS mental, like 100%.
But I am not getting my panties in a wad about it. But maybe thats because I came a LOT this weekend, lol! I am in a pretty mellow mood right now...
166
This is an all-times-Dan's-classic, no doubt. Great questions, superb answers and lots of good advice mixed up with humor.
Not much to add so far (have nor read the comments yet) but to HMC I'd say: Google DTMFA and apply it immediately.
Not much to add so far (have nor read the comments yet) but to HMC I'd say: Google DTMFA and apply it immediately.
169
I'm just curious: how did the word "twat" become synonymous with "pussy"?
Because.....it rhymes with "squat"?
Because.....it rhymes with "squat"?
170
@169:
I think it always meant that . . . or at least, it's had that meaning since 1650, according to the OED.
I think it always meant that . . . or at least, it's had that meaning since 1650, according to the OED.
171
Granted: orgasms are great! Careful: orgasms aren't everything. Yes, we should strive to get as many as we can, hopefully A LOT! But we must not obsess in just getting them. There are times when just giving is good, times when just receiving is great and times when something interrupts the act and we have to start all over again, among many other possibilities. All those are OK. We are not supposed to come EVERY time. In fact, sometimes is better not to come. But what's for sure is that we should be able to make our companions come as we know how to make ourselves come. It's just a matter of respect. And its fun, too! Learning, discovering and striving to be better at it is as important as the act itself and much less ephemeral. But now I'm getting too philosophical.
172
I have to disagree w/ Dan's assessment of HMC's problem. If she isn't even able to make herself come by masturbating, she may be one of the 40% of women who have some sort of sexual dysfunction - eg low libido, inability to achieve orgasm, etc. The field of female sexual dysfunction is still a developing one (as opposed to that of male sexual dysfunction) and its causes may have many roots. I'd advise that HMC's first step is to visit her doctor and have a frank chat. Then, perhaps, total upheaval of her personal life may be in order. A partner unwilling to be in a threesome is not necessarily a bad person, nor is he to be assumed that he doesn't care about her sexual satisfaction.
173
kazari,
No, Dan's right. This is a no-brainer. When HMC says, "I've slowly come to the realization that I'm no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend," it's lights out for this sexual relationship. Real boy-girl friendships are rare, but that's the most she can hope for.
No, Dan's right. This is a no-brainer. When HMC says, "I've slowly come to the realization that I'm no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend," it's lights out for this sexual relationship. Real boy-girl friendships are rare, but that's the most she can hope for.
174
OMG! As a mostly-hetero married woman, I'd LOVE to have sex w/most of the chicks posting this wk! PCowgirl,I KNOW EXACTLY what you're saying & I hate that misunderstood feeling when nobody else seems to get it; there's a lot of backbiting this wk! I'm 43 & been having orgasms since my teens (back then w/a vibrator)& now with a vibe or my hand: always clitoral, rarely internal. I also have a rather small clit & the way I stimulate myself is different than how I like my partner to.If I'm with a partner,I'm really only gonna get off by receiving oral sex, which I don't always get, but ALWAYS give. However, for me to reach orgasm, it takes up to 10 min, so I can take it or leave it. My husband only wants sex about 1x/month & we have intercourse for about 5 min before he comes. Sorry for all the background info-all I really had to say is that I can't believe I had to read up to #160 to find ONE commenter that mentions antidepressants! SSRIs- Prozac, Paxil & Zoloft are the main ones- usually have 3 sexual side effects: 1) Low libido 2)delay in orgasm 3) the orgasm when/if you do have it, is shitty-more of a plateau than a peak.These are FACTS! & @ least 30% of users suffer these side effects, altho the drug cos say it's far less.I was on Prozac in '91 & noticed the side f/x before I later read that other people had them too. My Dr. then was a woman from a very different culture, who didn't understand dating or premarital sex & didn't think womens' sexual pleasure was important. Glad I got rid of that bitch! Now I take Effexor, an SNRI-instead of just the body's serotonin, it also works with norepinephrine blah, blah, blah.It still has the same side effects, but far less. When I can't afford my Rx, I lay around & masturbate a LOT(!)Takes about 2 days for the meds to be out of my system enough where I can bust out a string of orgasms. It makes a diff! Sorry this is so long, but it bugs me that people almost never mention the possible antidepressant connection & I know it's relevant to someone out there.
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TO BLOWJOB: One of the reasons guys don't cum from blow jobs is their needing to be dominant, to be in control. If you like being in control from time to time, BLOWJOB, you may just not be fully sexually compatible with your guy. You could try letting him fuck your face. He'd hold your head and do all the moving. He may also be helped by you being tied up while you blow him, or doing some role-playing fantasy that gives him power. For example, pretend that he's blackmailing you into blowing him. You can also try to encourage him to accept you being in control. Let him know that you don't buy into the macho stereotype and you won't think any less of him if he lets you make him loose control and cum. Deprogramming sexual blocks and inhibitions is a slow process, but possible.
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Emotional Tampon? Jeeze, I guess that is why it is so easy to advise people to dump others so readily.
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To TWAT: Another thing that you can do is engage in other kinds of stimulation while you use the vibrator, like fingering yourself (wash your hands, short nails!). If you associated vaginal stimulation with orgasms, it helps you get off easier when you start having penetrative sex.
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Let me say from experience with having had blowjobs from, uh, many different people. With probably about 70% of them, as unfortunately with my three previous long term boyfriends, ejaculating from a blowjob was and is impossible. However, the other 30% have the technique to get me off quite nicely and sometimes quickly.
My advice to BLOWJOB would be to experiment with technique. Tell your boyfriend to be open about what kind of stimulation he likes. Sometimes he might not even know until you stumble upon the right approach. And remember that a blowjob is not just lips. There are active things you should be doing with your tongue and your cheeks, you can use your hands for extra stimulation of the cock and balls, and NEVER EVER let your teeth get in the way.
My advice to BLOWJOB would be to experiment with technique. Tell your boyfriend to be open about what kind of stimulation he likes. Sometimes he might not even know until you stumble upon the right approach. And remember that a blowjob is not just lips. There are active things you should be doing with your tongue and your cheeks, you can use your hands for extra stimulation of the cock and balls, and NEVER EVER let your teeth get in the way.
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