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Back Rub Blues

December 14, 2000

By Dan Savage

Recently, one of my friends was giving a girl a friendly back rub when she took off her top and bra, and let him continue. Then she informed him that she didn't want to have sex with him. He told her he was going to go hang out with the guys. When he told us this story, we were all in agreement that something was definitely wrong with that chick. I have found myself in similar situations with other women, as had some of the other guys, and what we want to say to women out there is this: "Why the hell would you let us fondle your bodies if you don't want to have sex?!"

We're gentlemen, of course, and none of us would ever force a girl into anything, but this kind of stuff does piss us off. There are a few things I'd like to know: (1) As much as I enjoy giving a half-naked girl a massage, how can I avoid women and/or situations like the one above? (2) What should I say to women when they do something like that? (3) And why in God's name do women do that?

Sick and Tired of Being Used

I can only assume you live in a co-ed dorm at some Godforsaken liberal arts college, SATOBU, as that's about the only environment I'm aware of in which men offer "friendly" back rubs to women they aren't involved with sexually. When you're older and more experienced, you guys are going to look back on those back rubs with acute and appropriate embarrassment. Real men only give back rubs to people they're already fucking; only desperately hard-up college boys give "friendly" back rubs to women they hope to fuck. When you and your friends say, "Hey, you look stressed out--would you like a back rub?" to college girls, you're hoping that "friendly" back rub will lead to some friendly sex, right? Well, guess what? They rarely do, as you and your friends are discovering.

(1) How can you avoid these situations? By not offering back rubs to women you aren't already sleeping with.

(2) If you don't offer back rubs to women you aren't already sleeping with, SABOTU, then you won't have to say anything to women "when they do that," because they won't have a chance to do that. See how that works?

(3) Why do women do this? Well, there are a few reasons.

Some young women accept back rubs from men they have no intention of sleeping with because they have a hard time saying no. Girls are socialized to be agreeable and perky, and don't want to give their new dormmates the impression they're bitches or, worse yet, dykes. Offering an inexperienced young woman a "friendly" back rub puts her in an extremely awkward position. If you asked her honestly for sex, she would probably give you an honest answer: no. But when you ask dishonestly for sex (by offering a back rub), don't complain when you get a dishonest answer. You offered a back rub, and who doesn't want a back rub? By not being honest ("I'll trade you a back rub for some sex, howzaboutit?"), you and your friends are essentially manipulating young women into quasi-sexual situations they may not be entirely comfortable with. Which isn't a very gentlemanly thing to do, is it?

Not all young women are so easily manipulated, however. Some have the nerve to say no, while others will respond to your manipulative offers of back rubs with manipulative behavior of their own. Take that woman who took off her top, for instance. Perhaps she knew your friend was after sex, and she let him think that sex might be in the cards because she wanted a back rub. She accepted his offer, and after she got what she wanted, she showed his blue balls the door. And that's just tough shit. There's also an outside chance--very outside--that the shirtless girl wasn't interested in having sex with your friend at the moment. Had your friend followed through with that "friendly" back rub, leaving her with the (false) impression that his offer was a genuinely friendly gesture and not an underhanded attempt to get into her pants, she might have considered having sex with him some time later. As it stands, he'll be lucky if she lets him look at her again.



Recently, I went to a concert. A guy in the crowd and I hit it off, and there was a fair amount of groping. At the end of the night, the guy asked for my phone number. This was on a Wednesday. On Friday, I came home from work and there was a message from the guy. He told me that it had been a pleasure to meet me, and said he wanted to get together. He said he would try to catch me later and then added that his cell phone battery was dying and gave me a "talk to you later." Now it's Tuesday night, and NUTHIN'. Why the heck did he make that phone call in the first place if he wasn't gonna call back? What sense does it make for a guy to call, leave a message, and not leave a number where he can be reached?

Puzzled

Just as men shouldn't expect sex in exchange for "friendly" back rubs, women shouldn't expect men to make sense. Maybe he's dead; maybe he's got a girlfriend/wife; or maybe he's just stupid and rude. But if I were a betting man, I'd say the guy's attached. Let's do the math: He didn't give you his number; he called you from a cell phone; and he didn't leave a number where you could reach him? Add it up, Puzzled.



Please refrain from trying to make George W. Bush look stupid. You might be surprised to know how many Republicans read your column and are offended by your cracks. Do you want half your readers thinking, "There goes yet another stereotypical Gay Wacko Liberal making personal jabs at the next President of the United States"?

AM

Republicans are welcome to read my column, as are Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, and Natural Law and Communist Party members. The Nader-voters, however, who put George W. Bush in the White House (with help from butterfly ballots, undercounts, and Republican Rent-a-Riot, Inc.) are forbidden to read my column until they make amends. I'm not sure if Greens can ever make amends to the country as a whole, but they can make amends to me personally by burning their voter-registration cards. Really, haven't you people done enough damage already?

As for trying to make George W. Bush look stupid, that's not something anyone has to break a sweat "trying" to do, not with W. himself doing most of the heavy lifting. Quoting our next Commander and Thief verbatim ("They misunderestimated me") makes him look plenty stupid. But in an effort to reach out to my Republican readers--hey, I can be a uniter, too--I promise to show W. the same courtesy and deference that conservative writers have showered upon Bill Clinton for the last eight years, so help me God.


Confidential to Dining Out in Vancouver, BC:

I disagree. The best-looking waiter in Vancouver doesn't work at Havana, but at MacKenzie's Cabin on Robson. I think his name is Rory. Check him out. As for the cutest waiter in Chicago, I have no idea, but readers are free to send in nominations.

letters@savagelove.net

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Comments (4) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Okay, so this is 8 years old, but anyway.

I have to disagree on you when it comes to back rubbing. There's nothing wrong with rubbing a female friends or aqcuaintances back, and while it can indeed be a way to initiate sex, it can also be just a friendly service. It's easier to give a good massage without all that fabric in the way. I don't consider it an invitation from my part to sex if I remove my shirt when a girl gives me a back rub, and don't see why it should be any different the other way around.

Now, admittedly, if a girl does offer to remove her clothes to facilitate the massage, chances are she isn't exactly unattracted to you (or she considers you a good enough friend that she's comfortable with it (or both)). But I don't consider it an invitation to sex. Unless it's somehow stated that it is not, however, I will consider it acceptable to flirt and escalate it, if I feel like it.

For the record, I live in Norway, over in Europe, so our whole culture around all of this is probably way different. Also, I'm a physical sort of person, when it comes to both sexual and platonic relationships, and don't shy away from physical contact with my mates either. And, of course, I'm not a desperate college boy with raging hormones.
Posted by T on March 8, 2009 at 5:58 PM · Report
Raelynn 2
I definitely agree with T.

Here's a shocking proposition: what's sexual to SATOBU isn't necessarily sexual to everyone else on earth. Women tend to be more comfortable with casual touch than men are, and see a back rub as a friendly and generous gesture; not as foreplay, as a sexual act, or as a way to manipulate her into having sex. This guy seems to think that once a woman agrees to have a man touch her, ever, she is consenting to sex and "owes" it to him. What the fuck?

Most of my friends are men (straight, gay, and bi), and we are all pretty close. Actually, all of my friends are like this, regardless of their gender or orientation. We just like touch.

In fact, straight women give back rubs to their straight female friends all the time, and it has nothing to do with sex! It's just a nice thing to do for someone else. It helps relieve stress and it's like "bonding" between friends. My best (female, straight) friend in high school used to give me back rubs every morning, because I had back problems, and she was nice. I just don't see how it could be inherently sexual, even if the shirt comes off to allow for easier access. To me, removing your shirt while someone gives you a back rub says "you're good at this, I really like it!" and not "this is turning me on, let's fuck!"

Sure, back rubs, like most forms of touch, CAN be sexual. But ONLY if both people involved want it to be.

You're the manipulative asshole here, SATOBU, not these women. You even say this was "a FRIENDLY back rub". In your world, giving a "friendly back rub" to someone means that he or she must fuck you?

Don't give someone a back rub if you don't want to. Problem solved. No one is forcing you into it. If you want to fuck a girl, make sure that she wants to fuck you, don't try to manipulate her into it. Accepting touch, or even removing clothes, does not always equal consent to sex. Sorry.
More...
Posted by Raelynn on June 6, 2011 at 3:15 AM · Report
Raelynn 3
In other words, SATOBU, you're not "being used". You're the USER.

Maybe the girl who took her shirt off was actually into your friend, and wanted to let him know it, but wasn't ready to fuck him yet. Little did she know that in his world, guys refuse to have anything to do with women unless they're going to get an orgasm out of it. Being nice or generous to others is absolutely out of the question if it doesn't involve sex ASAP.

Guys like that, frankly, don't deserve to get laid. If women knew that every time they allowed you to touch them, you expected sex from them, then women would rarely let you touch them.

Maybe when women let you "fondle their bodies", they DO want to have sex- but in the future, not right that very second. Maybe they ARE expressing interest. But, being a gigantic asshole, you take off the second it's clear that you're not going to get your dick wet right away. Then you COMPLAIN about touching women or having women TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF, because that's not enough for you, and clearly means that there's "something wrong with" those women.

Seriously. Do you have brain damage??
Posted by Raelynn on June 6, 2011 at 3:38 AM · Report
Auragasm 4
It's obvious this is dorm room drama, the way he bolts back to his bros in a heartbeat and they all reassure him what a tease she is.

Girls have to deal with creepy, sometimes non-consensual backrubs from horny guys in High School often. Maybe she WAS interested, but making a little joke about male entitlement in an attempt to lighten the mood. But it went over his head.

Either way I think his hookup methods could use an update. Also, what kind of man runs away from a half naked girl to consult his buddies?! Poor kiddo, he totally blew it!
Posted by Auragasm on August 16, 2012 at 1:40 PM · Report

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