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Commit or Quit
January 11, 2001
I have been seeing a guy for about four months who recently moved to my city from out-of-state. A contributing factor in his move (although not a major factor) was that he wanted to get on with his life following the breakup of a long-term relationship. He keeps saying that he does not want a girlfriend and is not ready to be in a committed relationship, and he refers to me, when talking to his co-workers, as a "friend." However, we have plenty of amazing sex, go out on dates, and basically conduct our lives as if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. He's even met my parents, and just spent Christmas and New Year's with us.
Dan, I am really starting to fall for him, but I wish he would stop being in denial about our relationship. What the hell is his deal? Should I just keep being patient, hoping that eventually he'll realize that our relationship is more than just friends?
Girlfriend of Living in Denial
What the hell is his deal? Well, his deal could be the relatively obvious, somewhat common excuse he's already given you, i.e., that his last girlfriend burned him so badly that he's G-word shy. But I doubt that's really his deal. Grown men who are G-word shy tend to be equally spend-the-holidays-together shy, to say nothing of meet-the-parents shy. (Amazing-sex shyness, however, isn't something many men struggle with.) Here's what I suspect is really going on with your parent-meeting, date-going, amazing-fucking friend: He's using the alleged trauma of a nasty breakup--do you have any independent proof that this ex-girlfriend even exists?--as an excuse to keep from making even the smallest commitment to you.
Which leads me to a question for you, Sugarshins: What the hell is your deal? If a G-word-level commitment is what you're after, why are you wasting time with a guy who "keeps saying that he does not want a girlfriend," and who describes himself as "not ready to be in a committed relationship"? As much as I appreciate the business that women who make stupid choices generate for Savage Love Inc.--I get hundreds of letters like yours every month--I can't understand why Women Who Want Commitment (WWWC) fuck guys who tell them over and over again--honestly! explicitly! repeatedly!--that they don't want or can't make a commitment. Ladies, when a guy tells you he doesn't want a girlfriend or a wife or a big wedding or kids, do yourselves a motherfucking favor and TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD. If WWWCs refused to date or fuck guys who don't want girlfriends, then WWWCs wouldn't wind up sorta, kinda dating guys who--are you sitting down?--don't want girlfriends.
Anyway, GOLID, since you're already fucking this guy, the above advice won't be of much use to you. So here's some extra-credit advice: Sit your friend down and say the following--exactly as I've written it--in a calm and steady voice:
"Look, we've been dating and screwing for four months now, and we spent the holidays together. You met my parents. In my book that makes you my boyfriend. If you're my boyfriend, I must be your girlfriend. Girlfriend, not 'friend' friend. If you're such damaged goods--if your last relationship left you too traumatized to even use the G-word--then perhaps you shouldn't be dating anyone right now. You certainly shouldn't be dating me. To sum up, if you can't call me what I am--your girlfriend--then you're going to have to get the hell out of my life until you've healed or grieved or processed or whatever it is you need to do. Until that day comes, get dressed and get the hell out of my apartment."
About that "get dressed," he should be naked when you deliver this speech. If the sex really is that amazing, feel free to enjoy one last trot around the track before you kick his ass to the curb.
I have been with one man for almost five years. I have always had a suspicion that he is gay and staying with me for appearance's sake. We live in a very prejudiced town where everyone knows everybody's business. The sex is great between us, but he is really into having a finger in his anus and he has a "hurt me" attitude, enjoying it when I use strong fingers on his back or spank his ass. How can I find out if he's gay? Please help.
Desperate to Know
So your boyfriend likes a finger in his anus--so what? Not all men who like to have their butts played with are gay, and not all men who are gay like to have their butts played with. A finger up your boyfriend's butt isn't necessarily proof that he's gay, although I can't tell from here (nor can you tell from there) what's going on in your boyfriend's head when your digging around back there. Perhaps he's fantasizing about big, burly boy-knuckles while you're fingering him, which would make him at least bi, or it could be that he's one of those straight guys who enjoys the odd finger in his anus. Likewise, spankings, strong fingers, and "hurt me" attitudes aren't evidence of gayness, so unless something else is going on--unless he's joined a men's chorus or is wearing chaps around the house or is plucking his eyebrows--he's probably not a fag.
Semenex? $69.95 U.S.? To make your come taste better?! That's like, about a thou or so Canadian, isn't it? Has no one heard of the merits of pineapple juice? An ex of mine and I tried it and she claimed it did the trick, i.e., sweetening up what originally tasted nasty. It's two bucks Canadian a can. That's, like, seven cents U.S.! The ladies will thank you for making the investment.
Thanks for sharing, JB.
And speaking of the ladies, scientists in Europe have discovered a link between chlamydia, a common sexually transmitted disease, and cervical cancer, a big fucking bummer. Some strains of chlamydia, it seems, increase a woman's chances of getting cervical cancer sixfold. In the plus column, chlamydia, unlike human papilloma virus (the leading cause of cervical cancer), is easily treated with antibiotics. In the minus column, many women who have chlamydia don't develop any symptoms, and so don't seek treatment. Sexually active women need to get a pap smear every year. If you've got chlamydia, it'll show up on your pap smear and you can get rid of it. If you've got HPV, a.k.a. genital warts, your doc can remove any visible warts and keep an eye on your cervix for you. There's no cure for HPV, but a watchful eye and regular pap smears can help protect you from developing cervical cancer.
And, speaking of the ladies, can't something be done about CNN's Greta van Susteren's hair? All through "The Battle for the White House"--or whatever we're all supposed to call it to avoid using the divisive, if more accurate, phrase "The Theft"--I would tune into CNN and think, Jesus Christ, Greta's got to do something about that long, shapeless hair and those split ends. Get a bob or a perm or something, Greta.
And, lest I be labeled sexist for commenting on a woman's appearance, I'll devote equal time to Wisconsin's Republican governor, and Bush cabinet appointee, Tommy Thompson. Is it just me, or does Thompson look like he's had some bad plastic surgery done on his eyes? From the nose up, the fleshy, jowly Thompson looks like Joan Collins without her makeup on. When did male vanity become a Republican value?