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Dump Him

February 1, 2001

My boyfriend of one year phoned me to tell me he almost cheated on me. An old girlfriend invited him back to her house. The only reason he didn't, he said, was because he had too much homework (we are both university students), NOT because he loved me too much to do such a thing. Then he asked what I would have done if he had cheated on me. I told him that I would have dumped him--a response he found harsh. I'm only 20, but I am really in love with this boy, so obviously I am hurt and confused by this. What is going on? Should I dump him?

Semi-Fucked Over

Absolutely. When your boyfriend told you that story about "almost cheating on you," he was sounding you out on the subject of cheating. He was no doubt hoping you would be okay with the idea, or hoping you would respond, "Instead of you sleeping with this girl behind my back, maybe we should have a three-way!" You said no such thing, telling him instead that you would dump his ass. Which means, of course, that your boyfriend knows enough now not to tell you when he does cheat on you--and cheat on you he will, if he hasn't cheated already. I don't doubt that your boyfriend is a lovable guy. Lots of guys who cheat are perfectly nice, and there are lots of perfectly nice girls out there who might enjoy having a perfectly non-monogamous relationship. You're not one of them, however. Dump him.


I'm a 35-year-old straight guy who works for the post office. Every day I have contact with an 18-year-old female colleague who I have very strong feelings for. My dilemma: Should I be a father figure to her? Or should I bang the ass off of her? Please help!

Frustrated Postie

The roles you mention--father figure (NOT actual father) and assbanger--are not mutually exclusive. Many a young man and woman, gay and straight, has been mentored and assbanged by someone older and wiser. When I was 18, I had someone older and wiser telling me what to do. But be warned: If your female colleague hasn't given you cause to believe she's interested in you as an assbanging father figure, don't do anything stupid. If you like your job, don't ask this girl out on a date or spank her for sassing back unless you're certain she has equally strong feelings for you.


Dan, I'm wounded. I love you so, and perhaps that's why, when I read "two things kept coming up while I read my 500 e-mails about cunnilingus... my lunch," I took it personally. I appreciate the fact that you're gay, and I don't expect you to be excited by females. But such a negative reaction to graphic descriptions of pussy-licking seems a bit harsh. I mean, I am a straight woman, I am turned on by precisely the same thing you are: males. But I don't react to the idea of pussy-licking by gagging. A clean pussy is no more revolting than a clean mouth. Go easy, dude. We love you. Can't you love us back just a little?

Senator Boxer

Like the rest of George W. Bush's cabinet appointees, I feel I should be judged by what's in my heart and not by my record or any public comment I've ever made. Okay, so the cunnilingus column was a bit harsh, I'll admit, but the line you object to was a joke. Let the record show that I can read about eating pussy all day long and my lunch will stay right where I left it. To those offended by my pussy-eating jokes, perhaps you should be reading some other advice column. Here at Savage Love Inc., everyone gets it in the chops eventually--gay men included. I would direct the committee's attention to a crack I made recently about gay men leaving "brown puddles" in our beds.

As for your comfort level with pussy-licking, Senator Boxer, I would like to point out that you're a woman. We may both be attracted to men, but your familiarity with your own goods would naturally make you less squeamish about women's goods in general. While it's unlikely that I would ever achieve the same comfort level with women's goods, if confirmed as Deputy Assistant to the Attorney General for Sex Advice, I shall strive to achieve a similar comfort level. Thank you.


I go to an Ivy League college, and after a long bout of being alone, I decided to get hooked up. I ended up going into the online chat rooms at Gay.com and--lo and behold!--there were many gay guys from my school online. I was really excited, until I started talking to them. I am Asian, you see, and although I think I'm pretty stable and have a decent body, Gay.com has been a very bad experience for me. The moment I tell them I'm Asian, it's, "Sorry, I'm not into Asians. Bye." I don't think I'll ever go online again.

Lonely Gay Loser

Yes, it hurts when someone rejects you for your race--just as it hurts to be rejected for your age, weight, gender, or dick-size. But what can you do? Everyone has an absolute right to reject anyone for any reason at all, however unfair or arbitrary the reason may seem to the rejected party. We can't say, "That's not fair, you HAVE to fuck me!" when someone tells us to buzz off because of our race, weight, or gender. I assume you've rejected guys--you can't be attracted to all men, correct? Well, your reasons for rejecting a particular guy may feel just as hurtful to him as "I'm not into Asians" feels to you.

But there are ways to meet guys without hearing "I'm not into Asians." First, get out of the house. When you walk out of your house into a gay bar, for instance, all the guys who aren't attracted to Asians can see that you're Asian, and they're not going to waste your time approaching you. When you're at home and online, however, people can't see you, and people who aren't attracted to Asians may chat you up. If you are going to meet people online, you can avoid chatting with guys who aren't into Asians by letting guys know you're Asian from the start.

"Anyone can post a profile at Gay.com, and it's best to be up front about who you are and what you're up to," advises Jeff Bennett, Gay.com's co-founder. "Letting people know who you are will filter out some of the negative vibes you've been getting." Call yourself "IvyLeagueAsianBoy" when you go online to chat, and I promise you'll find an Asian-loving fag to make brown puddles with in no time at all.

And, hey, speaking of brown puddles... Jason, a student in Manhattan, begged me to send a confidential message to Darren. Darren, you've been on the cover of Honcho, you work out at Crunch, and you tend bar at Barracuda. You know that kid who works out at your gym? Cute? Blue eyes? Well, it seems he has a crush on you. What's more, Darren, he wants you to tie him up and slap him around a little.

letters@savagelove.net

 

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