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Stinky Slimy Hairy

February 8, 2001

Thank you for printing a column on cunnilingus. Your straight female readers appreciate it! And while I understand your distaste at having to read so many e-mails about the practice, I feel compelled to respond. After printing lots of contradictory advice from women about cunnilingus, you told straight men simply to ask the women they're sleeping with what they like. But, Dan, not all of us can actually tell a guy what we like. It's the age-old dilemma of difference. While a gay man knows exactly how he likes his cock sucked and can give accurate pointers, a straight woman, never having been confronted with a face full of stinky, slimy, hairy pussy, might not be able to give good directions.

As cunnilingus recipients, all we women can tell is when a man is doing something right. Few women would be forthcoming with a man who was doing something wrong. So, to the amateurs out there who require advice, I would say: Pay attention! If while you're licking the alphabet her body is rigid, her legs are shaking, she's clutching the sheets with both her hands, and she's gasping and moaning, YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT! If you never get this kind of reaction, YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG!

And ladies, I wasn't kidding about the stinky, slimy, hairy pussy. If it doesn't sound appetizing to you, what makes you think it will be to him? Keep things well-trimmed and squeaky clean and you'll never have to push his head down there.

Just Trying to Be Helpful in Chicago

Oh, how the angry e-mail floods in when I hint that pussy--any pussy, even just one particular pussy--could be less than appealing. All pussy is beautiful, my pissed-off readers insist, each and every one. Linda Tripp's pussy? Beautiful! Cokie Roberts' pussy? Intoxicating! Bea Arthur's pussy? Two thumbs up! So before my quick-to-anger readers boot up their computers, I'd like to point out that it was JTTBHIC (a woman!) who coined the highly offensive phrase "stinky, slimy, hairy pussy" to describe beautiful, beautiful, beautiful pussy. I had nothing to do with it. (Besides, of course, publishing it.) Angry readers are invited to send angry e-mail directly to JTTBHIC by writing to stinkyslimyhairypussy@hotmail.com, an account I opened on her behalf.


One of the things I enjoy most with my girlfriend is a good twat-licking session, and I dare say she enjoys it, too. I'm wondering if you know of any procedures, perhaps surgical, that would allow for the lengthening of the tongue. Any info would be appreciated.

Some Oral Lengthening Surgery

I've heard that you can go to a doctor and get that little bit of flesh on the underside of your tongue snipped. Once it heals, you should be able to stick your tongue out another half inch. But please, please, please: Do not snip that string of flesh yourself, SOLS. Get a doctor to do it. I don't want people pulling a Jackass on me and harming themselves attempting something they read about in Savage Love.


Don't let Savage Love readers beat you up for not devoting more space to cunnilingus, Dan. Cunnilingus information is pretty much everywhere. Pick a boring het-sex manual. Whoomp. Cunnilingus. There it is. It pops up in Cosmopolitan every other month, for heaven's sake, in the standard "Big O" article. Buying gayboy porn-star underwear, though, is not everywhere. And this female reader prefers the gayboy porn stars, Dan, to cunnilingus retreads.

Can't Think of a Snappy Pseudonym

It's good to know that someone else out there enjoyed the gayboy porn-star underwear columns as much as I did. Thanks for sharing, CTOASP.


HELLO MY NAME IS MIKE FROM MARYLAND AND I AM REPLYING TO SAVAGELOVE WHEN U HAD A SEGMENT ON TEACHIN MEN HOW TO EAT FEMALE SPECIAL PRIZE OK, IF U LIKE I WOULD LIKE PPL FROM ALL PLACES TO TEACH WOMEN HOW TO GIVE MEN ORAL SEX BETTER!!! SHOW WOMEN SOME TECHINQUES HUH!!!

MIKE FROM MARYLAND

P.S. BECAUSE SOME WOMEN ARE JUST TERRIBLE AT IT!!!

Some women are terrible at it? Really? How would you know? Judging from your e-mail--which is all I have to go on--I'd say you don't get much sex, Mike. All caps, bad grammar, misspellings, run-on sentences, almost no punctuation marks save exclamation points: If the impression you make in person is anything like the impression you make via e-mail, well, you should be grateful if you get another lousy blowjob in your long life, Mike. BUTT THNX FIR CHERING.


I want to add something to your response to Lonely Gay Loser. Most people who respond to a screen name or profile that's up-front about race are usually fetish-type people, i.e., men who are attracted to one racial type. My advice for LGL would be this: Be careful, and make sure that the people chatting you up are not weirdos or stalkers. You should also try hard not to fall in love with guys who are only into Asians, because they may just want your physical thing.

Mistook Fetish for Love

We don't talk about white people who are only attracted to other whites as having a Caucasian fetish, yet we talk about whites who are only attracted to blacks or Asians or Latino guys as having some sort of race fetish. How sad would it be if white guys who are "into Asians" were avoided at all times by, of all people, Asians? Of course, there are guys who have Mandingo fantasies, or want to deflower demure Asian virgins. While I would advise LGL to avoid marrying guys who only get off on stereotypes--being with someone who only wants to fuck your stereotype could get on anyone's nerves--I wouldn't advise him to rule out guys who are open about being attracted to Asian men.


Tell that Asian kid who couldn't find a date that there's a hot thirtysomething in Georgia who would love to do whatever he wants. Nothing better than boyishly smooth Asian butts. LOTS of us white boys love hot Asian boys!

Gregg in Savannah

You, Gregg, would be one of the men MFFL wanted to warn LGL about, and I would advise LGL to avoid you.


Tell Frustrated Postie that there's a very strong possibility that the 18-year-old girl he's attracted to has NO interest in him whatsoever. Many men around 40 have amazing powers of self-delusion and take an occasional friendly smile from a young female to mean that she might be interested in, ahem, an "ass-banging." To a woman who feels like friendly smiles are completely safe because she doesn't think of this man as a sexual being, it can be very frightening (and, frankly, nauseating) to have a man old enough to be her father suddenly start showing sexual interest.

Been There

letters@savagelove.net

 

Commenting was not available when this article was originally published.

Comments (3) RSS

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1
DAN WHAT THE HELL ITS BEEN ALMOST 10 YEARS HOW COME IM STILL GETTIN THESE BAD ORAL SEX FROM WOMEN!!! ONLY MEN AREN'T BAD AT ORAL COMEON HELP US OUT!!! DON'T WAIT ANOTHER 10 YEARS BEFORE YOU RESPOND I NEED A GOOD BJOB FROM THESE WOMEN BUT THEY ARE BAD AT IT!!!
Posted by MIKE FROM MARYLAND on November 12, 2010 at 12:20 PM · Report this
2
Mike, maybe if you took Dan's grammar advice or stopped coming across as such a shallow fuck, women would be more enthusiastic about bloimg you. It's been over a decade and you're still having no luck, so maybe you're the problem and not the poor women who are willing to blow you're grammar impaired, caps lock loving ass. If women are so bad at sucking your cock, then suck it yourself you ungrateful dick. I am amazed any women are willing to blow you at all.
Posted by GGG_chloe on February 25, 2012 at 4:49 PM · Report this
3
Teehee I love when this happens.

Sometimes Dan makes a harsh comment to a very distinctive personality like Mike from Maryland, and then some amount of years later after commenting is available on the website, the person finds the letter and calls out Dan for being a douche to them. I've seen this happen a couple times in the old archives.

The thing is, there is absolutely no guarantee that the person is who they say they are. The only proof we have is the username. Anyone can make a username that matches Dan's description.
The cool part is them doing an excellent job of imitating the original letter's style and psychology.

The comment above is good enough that it's hard to really be sure whether it's fake or not, but the style is a fairly easy one to imitate. The only things in Mike from Maryland's comment that make me skeptical are A. him saying "bjobs" instead of "oral sex" or a male equivalent of "eat special prize", both of which are phrases he uses in the original letter, and "bjobs" is not. Bjobs seems a little bit crude, and Mike seems to like sounding faux sophisticated. B. His grammar and punctuation is a little bit too good in the comment. It's definitely similar to the letter, but it's significantly easier to understand and has better spelling. Maybe Mike took an english class.
Posted by Allek on January 19, 2013 at 11:33 AM · Report this

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