Boy Trouble

September 25, 2008

By Dan Savage

My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s, love each other, and live together. We have good sex once a week. I'm a girl with a low libido. But my sweet boyfriend needs more. Every once in a while, he brings up the fact that he'd like to have more sex. This conversation always goes the same way: He tells me, I start crying, he feels terrible for making me cry, we both wind up feeling like shit.

I'm pretty sure that the solution is for me to jump my sexy boyfriend more often. But I don't know how. I know I have an inner vixen buried somewhere inside me. I would appreciate any suggestions you have.

Wanna Want More

If you've been to the doc and ruled out a hormonal imbalance, WWM, and made sure that whatever birth-control method you're using isn't decimating your libido, your best bet is to accept that this is the way you work for now—you may surprise yourself when you hit your sexual peak—and find some middle ground.

Let's say your boyfriend wants it four times a week, and you can only "get into it" once a week. I'm not going to tell you that it's as simple as splitting the difference—have sex twice a week! everybody loses!—because that advice, which is standard for couples in your situation, is fucking useless. Inevitably, sex falls back to the frequency preferred by the person with the lower libido—the boyfriend loses!—but having been promised more sex, the higher-libido partner's resentment spikes, there are more tearful talks, and the relationship ends.

Here's what you should do instead: You commit to great sex at least once a week. He deals. But you also commit to making sure your boyfriend is thoroughly milked—with your cheerful assistance—three times a week. You commit to being his full-blown sex partner once a week and his life-size, ambulatory masturbatory aide at least three times a week.

How would that work? Well, let's say you're not up for sex on Wednesday because you had sex last Sunday. But he's horny. So you plop your twat down on his face and let him eat you out while he beats off. It'll take 10 minutes. Then let's say he's horny again on Friday, but you're just not feeling it. So you treat him to a handjob while you rub your tits in his face. Another 10 minutes. And let's say he wakes up horny on Saturday morning. So you sit on the edge of the bed, have him kneel between your open legs, and pull his face into your crotch while you tell him how thoroughly you're going to fuck the shit out of him tomorrow, on Sunday, when you're finally horny again.

As a special bonus, WWM, you may find that once the pressure is off—once you're not expected to have or want sex but only expected to help out your horny boyfriend—your libido occasionally kicks in and you're inspired to jump him. Or not. Either way, you're having great sex at least once a week, and he sees you making a sincere effort to keep his balls drained and him happy. Everybody wins.

I am a single professional gal who likes to party. This weekend, I went out with a group. One of the guys, who I liked as a friend but was not attracted to, was at first cordial. But he became aggressive on the dance floor. He kept grabbing me by the hips and pulling me closer. He seemed to think my proper response was to start humping his leg. Is there some unspoken understanding that I am unaware of that grinding on a guy's leg on the dance floor does not mean that a girl is interested in him? Is this just the way people dance now? If so, am I a prude for not wanting to rub my genitals on a guy I have no interest in? If not, then I need help with what to say if this happens again!

Grind It Someplace Else

One of two things was going on, GISE: For fear of seeming unfriendly, you sent signals that Dancer Boy innocently mistook for mild interest, and he attempted to get things started, as the kids used to say, on the dance floor; or, Dancer Boy knew you weren't interested but sensed that you, like many young women, were socialized to be polite and deferential to men and the POS knowingly manipulated you into a situation that made you feel uncomfortable.

The next time someone touches you on the dance floor in a way that makes you uncomfortable, GISE, here's what you do: no smiles, no dancing away, no polite attempts to deflect his attention. Stop dancing, make eye contact, shake your head slowly back and forth, and clearly mouth the word "NO." Then go back to dancing in whatever manner and in whatever space and with whatever partner you choose. And if the same guy attempts to pull you onto his ass after you've given him the stop-stand-stare "NO," GISE, do all women everywhere a favor and kick him in the nuts.

I am a 27-year-old hetero female. My new boyfriend is 24 and kinky. Before I met him, I had never been bound or spanked or had any kind of sex that was not "vanilla." I have enjoyed everything we have done and I trust him. Now he wants anal sex. He has what I think is an average dick—based on the three others I've seen—but I'm afraid that it will be painful. Am I a big baby?

Another Needing Anal Lessons

I order you to start having anal sex with your boyfriend immediately, ANAL. Tons of anal—but without letting your boyfriend's cock come anywhere near your ass, 'kay?

In other words: yes to anal, no to dick. Think tongues, lubed-up fingers, very small toys, and smooth, clean vibrators used non-insertively (which is fancy sex-advice talk for "lay the vibrator on your asshole, don't shove it the fuck in"). If you find that you enjoy other kinds of anal sex—and you will—your boyfriend's dick may start to look like a shiny new toy, or an enticing upgrade, and not the intimidating asshammer that it appears to be now.

But for this to work, your boyfriend has to swear on a stack of Jack Morin's Anal and Pleasure & Healths that he will pleasure your ass, and get you off, without attempting to rush you or pressure you into dick-in-ass buttfucking until you decide you're ready.

Per your column last week: When a man puts his balls in someone's ass, it's referred to as "putting the dog in the bathtub," because it's so hard to accomplish.

Kevin

It might amuse me, Kevin, if so many readers weren't absolutely furious about the advice I gave the woman freaked out by her partner's request to stuff his balls in her. You can read their outraged letters—and my feeble attempts to respond here.

mail@savagelove.net

 

Comments (85) RSS

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1
Dan,
Just wanted to let you know that I donate $25 to Obama last week. Your urgings, via your podcast I believe, made me realize that I should, unfortunately $25 was all that this poor college student could afford. Anyways, love your column, love you...
-Danielle
Posted by Danielle on September 23, 2008 at 11:20 PM · Report
2
I love Dan Savage...
Posted by danielle on September 23, 2008 at 11:32 PM · Report
3
If you're checking out the Savage Love Extra, watch out for the space before the dot in the URL.
Posted by James on September 24, 2008 at 1:19 AM · Report
4
The advice to WWM is awesome. I wish I had had that during some of my dry-drive spells.
Posted by Been there, couldn't fuck that on September 24, 2008 at 2:13 AM · Report
5
Dan,
You're the best. And I wanted to let you know about a great idea I heard about recently. In addition to donating to Obama, my wife and I made a donation to Planned Parenthood in Sarah Palin's name, and had the acknowledgment card sent to McCain's campaign headquarters.
Sweet.
Posted by S on September 24, 2008 at 6:30 AM · Report
6
I feel like my girl and I are about 6-7 months ahead of WWM. She has a low sex drive, I have a high one. We resolved to have her help me out (in several of the ways Dan suggested) several times a week, and it works.... for about a week or two. Then it's right back to the old routine of me beating off in the office before I go to bed (or after waking up early), and us having our twice a month romp. What's the solution? Is there a solution? Uggghhhhh....
Posted by Tom on September 24, 2008 at 6:49 AM · Report
7
sure there's a solution!!! prostitution!!!

well not really that will most likely increase your sex drive and destroy your wallet...

Ask her what she thinks about allowing a more sexually but not emotionally open relationship (not that one doesn't come with another but might as well try!!)
Posted by the other dan.... on September 24, 2008 at 7:23 AM · Report
8
Solid column, Dan, and timeless advice.

But it seems like every other week is one of two things: 1) a girl's boyfriend wants anal, but she's not sure about it (often a hang-up that can be dealt with by doing a little online research), or 2) a couple can't agree on how much sex they should have.

Once in a blue moon, there's some personal circumstance that genuinely changes the situation. Otherwise, it's the same.

If people are smart enough to operate email, can't they also just do an archive search? Or do they do it, but think their situation is completely unique from "other" people's identical problems?

Anyway, maybe it's because I'm still in my early twenties, but I certainly haven't forgotten the value of a plain ol' make-out, blowjob, or handjob. It doesn't have to be outright "sex" every single freakin' time.
Posted by Gloria on September 24, 2008 at 7:40 AM · Report
9
If it's that difficult, shouldn't it be cat in the bathtub?
Posted by Robin on September 24, 2008 at 8:33 AM · Report
10
Tom, the solution is that the two of you must individually and mutually decide how important sex is to your total relationship. If the relationship is HUGELY important to her, she can put out for you 2-3 times a week, knowing that the (to her) somewhat boring, not-involving sex is nonetheless keeping the two of you together.

And for your side, if she considers that going on a plumbing expedition in her genitals 2-3 times a week is a gross violation of her bodily integrity, is the relationship SO HUGE for you that you are willing to have sex only twice a month?

What this requires, of course, is absolutely ruthless, and likely corrosive honesty on both your parts. You'll either break up soon/immediately, or one of you will make the compromise and live with it. May I point out that you must be as honest with yourself as you are with your partner? Can you REALLY give up/put up with sex at the frequency your partner desires? Imagine 20 - 30 years of it. Be honest.
Posted by Hairhead on September 24, 2008 at 8:56 AM · Report
11
Sometimes the issue is not that she has a lower libido, but that she has unmet needs for affection. If she asks for a hug, he gives sex. Soon she doesn't want any physical contact with him, unless she's really horny, so sex becomes once a week, and both parties suffer the rest of the time. Rather than asking her to be his sex toy, ask him to try regular cuddling that clearly will not end in sex.
- Older Women Who Love Sex
Posted by Becky on September 24, 2008 at 8:57 AM · Report
12
I am in a similar situation with my bf, where I really only want to have full blown sex about twice a week. He of course wants it 1 or 2 times a day. On my "off" days I go for the hand/blow job. It doesn't take that long, it makes me happy to see him happy, and sometimes it gets me in the mood. It's not that big of a deal to show some affection to your partner even if you don't want to get off at the time. It's like him giving me a shoulder massage.
Posted by Jess on September 24, 2008 at 9:19 AM · Report
13
Not sure how you'd give an HJ while rubbing your tits in his face...but the general advice is sound. That's what my hub and I have done for 20 years. As we've aged and life happened, both our libidos have ebbed and flowed. So having a smart compromise already in place helps for long-term relationship ups and downs.
Posted by Old Lady on September 24, 2008 at 9:55 AM · Report
14
I loved Mary Bartone. She was great and you guys made a great team together. I hope she comes back again soon.
Posted by Jennythenipper on September 24, 2008 at 10:01 AM · Report
15
Did that guy who proposed over the webcast ever get back to you Dan? I've been dying to hear her response!
Posted by bridgie on September 24, 2008 at 10:20 AM · Report
16
Two observations:

Sex in our nine-year marriage is like a well graded gravel, with smaller aggregates filling the space between larger aggregates: full blown hot sex at unpredictable intervals, monthly maybe, weekly fuck with eating her to orgasm, midweek quicky fuck that doesn't particularly arouse wife, occasional blowjob, handjobs on request as often as i like, and jerking off.

All the sex I want would not eliminate the state of desire. From my description I would say i'm getting enough sex, but still . . .And sex with others doesn't satisfy that either. This could possibly be the (male) human condition.
Posted by old man on September 24, 2008 at 11:08 AM · Report
17
Strange that Danny Boy didn't suggest opening up the relationship-try adding another partner and everybody can get their needs met.
Posted by pastrychef on September 24, 2008 at 12:22 PM · Report
18
If it's that difficult to do, it should be called "giving the cat a pill". Have you ever tried to get a cat to take a pill? Next to impossible.
Posted by Kerri on September 24, 2008 at 12:41 PM · Report
19
Sorry Dan but you whiffed again this week. I can't speak for all women, but when I'm not in the mood I personally find it a lot easier and less annoying to lay back and get fucked than to give a handjob or sit on my bf's face. It's all sex, just some of it requires more effort. If WWM is not willing to have vaginal sex more often, she's not going to be thrilled to be a "life-size, ambulatory masturbatory aide" either. The way for a woman to be GGG here is to give full, smiling consent and encouragement for her bf to meet his needs in other ways, either through masturbation or with other partners -- whatever their arrangement can handle.
Posted by dan fan on September 24, 2008 at 1:00 PM · Report
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23
In the response to WWM (not just Dan's, but in the comments), I think the focus on numbers -- twice a week! Four times a week! -- is distracting from what sounds like an emotional issue at stake, namely that sex has become an issue of angst between the two of them -- which is probably making even the once-a-week sex less fun than it could be. The boyfriend asks for more sex and WWM cries? I mean, there's clearly a lot of emotion invested in this, probably for both of them. (Because if he was asking in a lighthearted, "Hey, before dinner, could I eat your pussy and then stick my cock in you?" kind of way, methinks this would not elicit tears.) Maybe he used to just suggest sex, but WWM turned him down so often that now he's gunshy and has to instead conduct a serious inquiry about the Status of Sexual Frequency... which is causing her to worry about the status of the relationship, and turning sex into some sort of weekly relationship barometer. Basically, I wonder if the root issue isn't so much whether boyfriend gets to have sex 2 times per week vs. 4 times, but whether (for both of them) sex feels fun again, like a source of excitement and connection in the relationship rather than a point of stress.

To that end, I think Dan's advice about sometimes offering a handjob or a naked booty dance while the boyfriend masturbates, even if WWM isn't really in the mood for full-on sex is on point -- but not just because it will make the boyfriend more satisfied, but because it will hopefully also sometimes turn WWM on to be the one initiating sex, and allow the boyfriend to get over his own ego-bruising or whatever and stop asking for More Sex and just feel comfortable asking for sex... as in, right now.

Any long-term relationship is going to weather times when libidos don't match... as Dan points out, a few years down the line, WWM may be the one wanting it daily and boyfriend may not be up for it. But what dooms a relationship isn't the higher-sex-drive partner sometimes masturbating instead of getting sex, or the lower-sex-drive partner sometimes sucking it up and giving head/having sex they're not 100% engaged in -- what kills the sexual connection is when the sex-wanter starts thinking their partner no longer finds them desireable and the low-libido partner starts worrying they're damaged goods who will soon be cheated on or dumped if they don't put out enough. Keep communicating, keep telling each other how sexy you are, and do whatever you can to keep sex fun... and the libido tide will eventually turn.
More...
Posted by as the libido turns on September 24, 2008 at 2:04 PM · Report
24
WWM, chances are high that you've got something physical going on. I was diagnosed with low testosterone recently because of a stint on the pill four years ago (it's cumulative, i.e. doesn't go away after you stop taking the pill.) The good news is that it's treatable, provided you find a gynecologist who knows their ass from their elbow. Don't let people tell you that not wanting to have sex must mean your relationship is dead. If you honestly don't believe that to be the case, there is something else going on. Get thee to Andrew Goldstein's book, Reclaiming Desire, and take the test therein. And find yourself a Sexual Wellness Center, like his in Annapolis. There are a ton all over the country, they'll figure out whether it's emotional or physical or both, and get you on your way. Seriously, I wasted three years trying everything from sex therapy to toys to having sex when I didn't want to (believe me, Dan's right, it doesn't make him feel good either) - you don't have to put up with it just because your gynecologist thinks you're just being sensitive.
Posted by yourenotcrazy on September 24, 2008 at 2:07 PM · Report
25
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
Posted by mad at reproduction on September 24, 2008 at 5:31 PM · Report
26
"All the sex I want would not eliminate the state of desire."
It's hard to feel that your desire for your lover is not returned. Desire can be more complicated than just the physiological need for sex, it can encompass the rest of the relationship. So these two need to figure out what emotional needs aren't being met here. And if her response to a request from a lover is to start crying then this is about way more than just humping.
Posted by trick-cyclist on September 24, 2008 at 6:33 PM · Report
27
Actually, I believe it's called "dog in a bathtub" because they keep trying to jump out.
Posted by skweetis on September 24, 2008 at 7:35 PM · Report
28
Remember Robin Williams:

"Same sex marriage? Hell, after the first six months, it's always the same sex."
Posted by Ballard Laundromat on September 24, 2008 at 7:45 PM · Report
29
I second Hairhead. Exactly what I was thinking...
Posted by em on September 24, 2008 at 7:51 PM · Report
30
I hear you. I am a taken woman and my sex drive is super high... his is not. There is no middle ground. There's nothing. Either deal with the lack of sex and stay in the relationship and take what you can get, or leave and find someone else who can satisfy you
Posted by SunShyne on September 24, 2008 at 7:55 PM · Report
31
Crying over it ups the ante waaaaaaay too high. Stop. And I've just got to ask -- is he kissing you at all? Kissing is pretty damned important in helping a girl "get ready," and the quick boob grab as prelude to sex didn't work in high school and it ain't working now. Just sayin'.
Posted by Sondari on September 24, 2008 at 8:26 PM · Report
32
Hey Wanna Want More- What's wrong with opening up the relationship.
If you don't want to fuck more than once a week, then fuck once a week, and let him fuck 5 times a week, with whoever wants to fuck him.
The world doesn't always need to be A or B.
Posted by Ron in LA on September 24, 2008 at 8:44 PM · Report
33
I remember Dr Ruth being mocked for suggesting the following:

The lower-libido partner should hold the higher-libido partner while he/she masturbates.

But Dr. Ruth may have been onto something here. If the HLP really wants more sex, he/she gets it - while very little is required from the LLP.
Posted by MsChris on September 24, 2008 at 9:14 PM · Report
34
The girl shouldn't be crying just because her bf wants more sex. Maybe she does have a hormone imbalance, she should definitely see a psychiatrist at least, damn....I thought I was bad for always crying at the movies.
Posted by Emmi on September 24, 2008 at 9:19 PM · Report
35
Tom,the solution is you leave her for someone that cares about you.
15 year sexless marriage BRAD
Posted by brad on September 24, 2008 at 9:20 PM · Report
36
Tom,the solution is you leave her for someone that cares about you.
15 year sexless marriage BRAD
Posted by brad on September 24, 2008 at 9:21 PM · Report
37
Robin-
"Cat in the bathtub" is getting your balls in her sister's orifice.
Posted by Robert DeNiro on September 24, 2008 at 9:42 PM · Report
38
"intimidating asshammer"

Do you offer this in a t-shirt or bumper sticker?
Posted by Eat for free on September 24, 2008 at 10:48 PM · Report
39
I went through the same phase as WWM for about 5 years in my 20's, darn meds... was able to come off them and then as I neared 30 I wanted it more then I hit 30 and my partner couldn't keep up. Dan, your advice about the hormones and meds are spot on. She should also look at her stress levels, diet and sleep patterns. Often a healthy partner is a horny one.
Posted by Sue on September 24, 2008 at 11:44 PM · Report
40
dear Dan when a guy has sex with you on your period without a condom and also eats you out also is that bad or does he really really like you ?
Posted by nicole on September 24, 2008 at 11:57 PM · Report
41
I beleive everyone is obligated to get their partner off as much as possable.I can undrstand not wanting intercourse all the time .I do think oral ,fingers and hands should be available all the time .The answer is simple ,if you don`t feel like satisfying your partner needs then you should leave them.Why,because it probably means you don`t care about them.I think if you bring a 3rd person in for sex you are still stuck with a partner that don`t care about you...............
Posted by brad on September 25, 2008 at 5:45 AM · Report
42
Well, what does the woman get out of it?

I mean, if you're not feeling sexy enough to have sex, then you're not. Dan (and Tom) seem to assume that a woman ought not to mind her partner having sex *at* her, even though she's not actually turned on enough to want to participate. That just seems weird to me.
Posted by Jesurgislac on September 25, 2008 at 5:45 AM · Report
43
Everyone has missed a very important bit about the first letter. The boyfriend asks for more sex, and she CRIES? This is a girl with problems. Not sexual problems, either. Wanting sex once a week is well within the range of normal. Why is such a simple and reasonable attempt at discussing an aspect of their relationship bringing on a crying jag? She ought to look into that before she worries about the sex. In fact, getting that depression treated might even make her hornier.

Agreed that lying back and thinking of England is much less work when you're not horny than a hand of BJ, particularly if he's not inclined to hurry it the fuck up.
Posted by Psyche on September 25, 2008 at 5:49 AM · Report
44
I was in her exact place some years ago. I bet she is not crying for the reason you think- that she finds the sex distasteful or is depressed. I rather suspect she is crying because she loves this guy, would like very very much to make him happy, but hasn't worked out how to keep up. It is REALLY frustrating without having the guy (in this case and mine) hanging about like a hopeful puppy he's not pressuring you, he doesn't want to pressure you, and somehow this makes it worse- because here's this really wonderful guy and you still can't figure out how to make it work and make him happy. Not to mention my husband is subtly unhappy if he is not getting regular sex and becomes subtly importunate. He/'s not rude about it, but !.

I have a disagreement with Dan's answer- we reached what I guess I'll call the Happy Camper number. The Happy Camper number is the amount of sexual contact that makes for a content husband (some day I will buy some Viagra and see if I can reach his "Ok, I'm done" point).

My problem was before birth control I had a high to normal sex drive. On birth control it drops back to 1 to 2 weeks between arousal. Yes, I have changed scripts several times. Yes, the choices are utter hosebeast all month or low sex drive. REALLY frustrating, when you remember what it was like once....

So I determined the number (3x week), and made a rule- twice a week I had to try, once a week I could "If you wish you may"- his choice of method , but I don't have to "play".

Two things happened- 1) practice made perfect, and he really prefers it if I participate, which was fine, because it didn't take too long where I was batting the proverbial 1000. Taking the pressure off performance-wise did help a *lot* 2) arousal isn't required for good sex.

Say what?

Yes. arousal is not required for great sex.

Good sex requires ~20 minutes (hopefully- usually- more), a positive attitude, and foreplay. Finding time and the headspace is easy- not to mention a excellent orgasm as a reward!

Bramblerose
More...
Posted by Bramblerose on September 25, 2008 at 7:00 AM · Report
45
ANAL SEX ADVICES:
Dan, as a "typical" married heterosexual male that has been curious about anal sex for years (and tried "expanding" the mind, hum, of his loving wife by using all the wrong approaches such as heavy drinking, surprise diving, etc...), I will take this opportunity to present my heartfelt THANK YOU for all your advices on the few first steps that need to be taken to assure everyone enjoys anal pleasures. Patiently following your advice, I slowly started anal stimulation (far from penetration) during normal intercourse and it wasn't long before my wife and I were openly discussing, and practicing, an anal component to our sex life. Although full hard-on anal pounding remain few and far between, I soooooooo enjoy seeing her getting those anal orgasms (which, by the way, appear to be way easier to get by that
"regular" ones...).

So, to all the married men out there: Take your time, follow Dan's advice and talk openly about it with the loved (or lusted) one.

THANKS again from a satisfied, quite vanilla, been-together-for-18-years-and-still-madly-in-love-with-each-other (or so I like to believe) couple.

Regards,

Frenchie Using Canadian KY
Posted by Frenchie on September 25, 2008 at 7:18 AM · Report
46
I think what Dan The Man is attempting to get Low-Libido-Chicklet up there to understand is that her libido isn't that low, but her opinion of sex is and if she were to mix things up, she might, just might, come to the realization that Sex Is Fun, Not A Fricking Job. Her description of the converstaions with her studly boyfriend smack of emotional terrorism to me. "He asks, I cry, he apologizes and leaves me alone to go spank it to asianhotties.com while I get some shuteye." Beautiful relationship, chock full of communication, can you smell the sarcasm.
Posted by Fistandantalus on September 25, 2008 at 8:50 AM · Report
47
I am going to fully agree with the comment from Ron in LA because I think the righteous comment came from my brother! You guessed it, his name is Ron and he lives in LA. Specifically, West Hollywood! You rock Ron!
Posted by ilena svenska on September 25, 2008 at 11:09 AM · Report
48
WMM is a 20-something woman who wants sex once a week and cries if her boyfriend asks for more? I think maybe there's something going on psychologically.

Im a 35-yr-old gay man in a steady relationship, and my partner is a bit friskier than i am. Lots of times, I find if that i just get started, regardless of how i feel, the drive kicks in. I think maybe WWM is in her head too much. I'd suggest a week or two without sex (to reset and calm down about the whole thing) and then take each instance as it comes, without getting all upset that her boyfriend is "pressuring her all the time."
Posted by dizzyspins on September 25, 2008 at 12:15 PM · Report
49
Dan, I'm a psychotherapist and I've never yet found a good solution for the unequal libido problem. I'd love to know how this idea works for your couple. It strikes me that it requires good self-esteem and self-awareness on both parts, for the low-libido person not to feel defective and the high-libido person not to take the difference personally. It might be that the couple who *could* do this will find it on their own. The commentor who recommended ruthless honesty is right, but that could make the relationship hugely better, too.
Posted by Lookfar on September 25, 2008 at 1:05 PM · Report
50
Dan
I have loved your column since I moved (invaded) here in '91. I have to say the advice you gave WWM was spot on. That post could have been made by wife years ago (probably was for all I know). My point is it has worked for us for many years.

Love, Sparky
Posted by Sparky on September 25, 2008 at 1:48 PM · Report
51
The key to Dan's advice to WWM would seem to revolve around her "sincere effort." I guess that wouldn't be like Mandy Pepperidge and her rubber gloves in "Animal House," but I'm afraid that's kind of where I see this going.
Posted by Tom Too on September 25, 2008 at 2:46 PM · Report
52
I'm not sure how comfortable WWM would be with that...if she's not horny, how is she gonna get off or even wet when he dives into the muff?

I'm a bit of polyamorist and open relationship guy, and I think the solution for High Sex Drive Boyfriend is to get a lover on the side. That's just me.

Dan, love the column, you're my homosexual hero!
Posted by honeyandlance.com on September 25, 2008 at 3:40 PM · Report
53
Robin,
Difficult, not impossible. BTW, there are easier ways to get a pussy wet.
Posted by shane on September 25, 2008 at 3:43 PM · Report
54
But Dan... if hand jobs and oral and beating off together are, in fact, "sex," then you have just advised this woman to get out of having sex 4 times a week by... having sex 4 times a week. How does this solve her problem?
Posted by Gentle Reader on September 25, 2008 at 5:44 PM · Report
55
Around my house the "Code phrase" is "So, how tired are you?" The answer might be "Very" which translates to a "Sorry, Hon, not happening" or "Not THAT tired" which means "If you're waitin' on me, you're wasting time" or the agreed upon "I suppose I could accomodate you" or "Let me check my schedule" said with a "come hither" smile that means "I'm not up for a full production, but would be very willing to go for a quickie".... This coy little system has worked for us for years... perfect? No, but then no one in my house winds up in tears about a libido mismatch.
Posted by Transplanted on September 25, 2008 at 9:44 PM · Report
56
UNEQUAL Libido Problem. I'm facing a very little sex now that marriage is here. Got a books. No help. Shrink, no help. My wife is very GGG with excuses. Some of them are valid, like when I'm a total jerk, or when she is a jerk and it takes me days of trying to say "I feel statements" and she admits she was wrong. If I had known my wife was so conditional with sex I never would have fallen in love, but here I am, and I want to stay. I've had long term relationships with lots of mind blowing sex but I did not feel those were someone I wanted to stay with and have kids. I've never cheated. Nor have I wanted an open relationship, but I think they are hot for others! I don't want to judge anyone and not my wife. Fellow readers and Dan, help me get a hand job and stay optimistic, I can handle staying married. Signed. DSB
Posted by Married with DSB on September 25, 2008 at 11:08 PM · Report
57
I'm going to keep pestering you, Dan, when appropriate in your column, because I know how to fix women's low libido. Thank you for the ability to comment.

Women's libido is much more influenced by diet than men's is. I have a three out of four response rate in six weeks on a diet of high-dose fish oil, avoiding transfats, polyunsaturated vegetable oils, caffeine and soy (and as you say, many types of hormonal birth control), getting the RDA of calcium/magnesium/zinc, a sufficient intake of iron, and a little bit of dark chocolate. Food should be in a 40/30/30 balance like the Zone Diet; saturated and monounsaturated fats are good, and protein at every meal.

Not every woman will want to fuck like a bunny on this diet, but most do see improvement, and it doesn't take very long to see results. If a woman adds in PC muscle exercise with a resistance device like the Gyneflex or the Kegelmaster, often women can gain newfound vaginal orgasmic ability. I personally usually have fifty orgasms a day. I showed Betty Dodson (and her boyfriend), if you don't believe me. Some other women on the diet have achieved similar results. I wrote a book with more details, The Orgasmic Diet, but that's the general gist, and if you're handy with the google, you can find all the dosages and things online for free. I've been pretty outspoken about this, trying to get the word out. Help me get the word out!
Posted by Marrena Lindberg on September 26, 2008 at 3:11 AM · Report
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Love Dan
This is why i treat myself every Friday to his column. I print it out and take it home for wifey but she just doesn't "get" Dan. WWm will eventually come to what we old married guys (>50) come to. Every 4 months a visit to a friendly "massage therapist" (quaterly bonus time) and like we had before marriage, solo sex in the shower. He should not try an affair, That always ends i disaster, trust me, she is not just looking for some on the side, "she" wants you to leave your wife and family and marry "her".
real life in Cinci
Posted by TTW on September 26, 2008 at 6:53 AM · Report
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I have to disagree with the Savage on this one - the partner with the lower sex drive may lend a hand for a few weeks but that will get old fast and the guy isn't going to want to keep begging his girl to sit on his face if she isn't getting off too. It's just not as fun and will make him feel pathetic. Girlfriend needs to get over it and start fucking more if she wants to keep her man. Otherwise he deserves better. Life is too short to get so little action. Sex isn't a chore! And should happen way more than once a week!
Posted by Blueballed on September 26, 2008 at 6:56 AM · Report
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Dan - love the column and the Lovecast, have been a reader for many years. I especially loved episode 101 with Mary Martone! Was it as good for you as it was for me? In recent episodes you have been sounding bored and mean. It must get old answering the same questions: we can't agree on how much sex to have, is my fantasy normal, yadda yadda. Get a co-host more often - even if it's by long distance. I bet your tech-twinks could make that happen.
Posted by Peter on September 26, 2008 at 9:41 AM · Report
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I have been somewhat dealing with a similar problem as WWM's man. I want it at least 3x a week, always have. My wife, mother of my beautiful children and best friend of 20 years doesn't. She used to, but as she says "people change as they age. I accept that. Moreover, she HATES oral and always has; that is out. She has in the past given permission to get outside "help", but I want my wife, not just "some warm body". Our solutions is to just have sex 3x a week. She may not be into it every time, but that is okay with me as long as she isn't hurt/offended and that she is at least into it every week or so (although she usually does get into it once it gets going). She knows it is important to me, and I appreciate her willingness.

In my mind, I am okay with this. It is not perfect, but nothing is.

Just 2 cents from a veteran.
Posted by FoundAWayTogether on September 26, 2008 at 11:05 AM · Report
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Hairhead, you're right on.
I'm an intellectual low-drive Spock-like female paired with a kinky Kirk-like horndog Earth guy, eleven years now. How? Because we have a lot of other creative and fun things holding us together. If the relationship was based on the usual sex&romance it would have ended long ago. He educated me about the truly unrelenting itch of his "drive" as a hunger that must be filled. OK, i understand, I love him so i'll compromise. I don't mind being a scented soft whack-off aid, i just honestly can't be emotionally present and "want it" more than once or twice a month.
If frolicking BDSM nympho becomes a priority, he knows where the door is, and that it only swings one way, and i must accept without drama. That is radical honesty and it took a long time to work out.
Be Honest.

Posted by Pon Farr on September 26, 2008 at 11:10 AM · Report
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Dan, your advise to ANAL was right on. I am impressed yet again with your witty and blunt advise.
Posted by Fuckmyass on September 26, 2008 at 11:27 AM · Report
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Usually I love your advice, Dan, but I really don't get how this is meant to work for WWM. How are hand jobs or oral sex not sex? If she's not feeling like wanting sex, why would she feel like doing those? And if she's willing to give a hand job or be eaten out even when she's not horny, why wouldn't she be willing to let him fuck her when she's not horny? Playing in bed is playing in bed no matter what games you're playing. Seems to me you're just telling her to suck it up and have sex four times a week when she only feels like once.

I don't have an answer, but I don't see how your advice is working, either.
Posted by Qfiffle on September 27, 2008 at 11:47 PM · Report
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Or, here's another piece of advice for WWM: Send him my way. WWM can have my ex-husband, who maybe wanted sex once a year if I was lucky.
Posted by Four Times a Week on September 28, 2008 at 9:43 AM · Report
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Intimidating Asshammer is going to be the name of my new band. Just thought you should know.
Posted by L on September 28, 2008 at 10:13 PM · Report
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Dan,

Can you please write a more even handed set of suggestions? I understand the the letter was from one perspective but believe me, men aren't the only ones going without. I am a sex starved wife. I am attractive, thin, and interested a minimum of three times/week. Recently I went an entire year without sex because my H was not interested and I wasn't about to be the recipient of pity sex. However, I'm beginning to think that it is time for negotiations to begin - pity or his ego be hanged.

Miserable Missus
Posted by MiserableMrs on September 29, 2008 at 7:19 AM · Report
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Dan, the low-libido girlfriend has a low sex drive, but your advice is for her to have more sex? I can hardly credit the possibility, but it sounds like you're confusing sex with intercourse. If she's sitting on her boyfriend's face while he beats off, or pushing her breasts into his face while he beats off, or pulling his face into her crotch while he beats off -- this is all sex! And damned hard to do when one is not feeling "up for it." At that point it becomes little more than unpaid prostitution -- or at best, a chore that she'll have to add to her daily list. "Let's see, dishes, run to the store -- oh, right, today's a sex day; I've got to take off my clothes and sit on his face for ten minutes. Shit. Well, I guess I can work that in before I go to the store."

Give high-libido boyfriend carte blanche to rent porn and jack off all he wants to, without guilt. He gets the same result, and she doesn't have to start thinking of sex as a chore.

And, just wondering -- is high-libido boyfriend giving low-libido girlfriend the best oral sex of her entire life, constantly honing his skills and making sure she has (multiple) screaming orgasms each time? Or is he engaging in the standard fare that is geared more toward getting everyone off as quickly as possible? Because her characterization of it as "good sex" isn't exactly a ringing endorsement. Maybe there's another reason her libido is low.
Posted by Fletcher on September 29, 2008 at 9:17 AM · Report
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Huh. I always thought putting your balls into someone's ass or pussy was called shurging, but putting the dog in the bathtub works.
Posted by Wendy Blackheart on September 29, 2008 at 10:29 AM · Report
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I had almost exactly the same experience as Grind It Someplace Else. I was out on the dance floor with a few friends when a man I didn't know approached me and starting "grinding" his cock into my ass. I enjoy a cock in my ass now and again, but only with proper lubrication and someone I know, certainly not on the dance floor in a crowded club with a stranger.

I will save you the story, but I went through all of the suggested steps, including the final, kicking him in the balls. I did not resort to that until I had clearly verbally told him to stop three times and attempted to move a reasonable distance away from him after each attempt.

I was then excorte4d to the entrance to the club by security. The male who was "dancing" with me threatened me with arrest and a lawsuit and then the security guard threatened to call the police as well. I opened my cell and offered to call the police myself. I informed them that I'd gladly spend the night in jail for assault, but he would certainly be arrested as well, and I would win the lawsuit.

I was then asked to leave the club and not return. He was not.

I hope this was an anomaly, and it was certainly unacceptable, but I thought I'd share anyway.
Posted by Fierinferno on October 1, 2008 at 11:46 AM · Report
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A woman that would have sex once a week AND let her SO eat her between meals sould like a perpetual orgy to me. My wife's idea of sex was maybe once a month and don't touch her vigina with mouth or fingers and ANY time. The guy should shut up and be grateful for what he's got
Posted by Homer on October 1, 2008 at 3:03 PM · Report
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Dan,
I cannot believe you suggested kicking the dirty dancer in the balls.
This is called assault! And dirty dancer could have you arrested and take you to civil court it could cost lots of money and you might be inconventience by having to take Angry Bastard classes.

Please, GISE, if the first deadpan stare doesn't work, simple turn and walk away. If you feel threatened than walk toward the bar or to the bouncer and complain about the perv, get him thrown out.

Violence is not the answer!
Posted by jojo_ranting on October 2, 2008 at 10:17 AM · Report
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Wanted to comment about an anal sex realization I've had. I think many guys don't want to kill the mood, and think that they can go directly from vaginal to anal intercourse and use "girl juice" as anal lube. Maybe this works for some women, but my lady parts seem to be highly acidic. I enjoy anal sex A LOT, but having my own vaginal fluids put up my butt is screamingly painful. Washing and putting on neutral pH lube makes all the difference.
Posted by Happy Lady on October 2, 2008 at 12:07 PM · Report
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regarding your advice to GISE, while I agree with the sentiment, as a bar owner, I do not encourage that she kick him in the balls. In this day and age it will likely turn into a full on dance floor brawl where everyone gets hurt. I suggest she point the guy out to a bouncer. If the establishment has any type of professionalism the guy will be escorted out the door. Later when he rejoins the group in a non-public setting she should kick him in the balls.
Posted by jeffsd on October 2, 2008 at 2:10 PM · Report
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I too am a bar owner, and we take great pride in our security. I second the suggestion that she report Mr.Nonconsensual Lap Dance to security. If they take no action, call the club during the day and try to get the owner or manager. You'd be doing me a favor as an owner letting me know if I had a bouncer who wasn't doing his job; any club owner who doesn't have that attitude is an idiot.

You could also try getting his photo on your cell phone and calling the police. Sometimes these guys have records and don't want to talk to the Law.

Posted by Mary S. on October 2, 2008 at 4:33 PM · Report
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Must a woman think of her boyfriend as a helpless ICU patient who has to have his bodily fluids drained? You're asking her to have mediocre sex with him 75% of her life.

The basic psychological tenet is that humans seek pleasure and avoid pain. Maybe if the sex were better for her (or even about her) more than a quarter of the time, she'd want it more.

My guess is that he learned his techniques from porn movies, he's really selfish and all about draining his balls (i.e., BAD at fucking) but she still has feelings for him and doesn't want to break up over how bad at fucking he is because she's nice.

Seems to me that she is the only one that has attempted a solution that's not wheedling, guilt trips, begging, or bullying, and I can't believe she's the one being held entirely responsible for the boring sex they both have together.

Posted by J. on October 9, 2008 at 9:59 PM · Report
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Love ya Dan, but your advice to this girl is soooooo jacked up. Isn't that the same advice the Catholic church has been giving since the 12th century - that the woman was created for man's pleasure, it's all about the all-sacred tool of creation gettting "drained", - I mean, COME ON!

Here's some GOOD advice for her - dump the dude that makes you cry. He doesn't understand that enticing you to want him is part of the fun.

Guilting someone into sex is not foreplay. The kind of sex you want is about communication and intimacy, and if he can't be a little more imaginative, a litle more giving, than he doesn't deserve you. Leave him so that the two really important players in this relationship can be together - his penis and his hand.

After you're away from him you can picture him constantly jacking off in some darkened room, or, like one enlightened gentleman suggested on his post, with a prostitute. Then you can be glad you're away from him, and laugh instead of cry.
Posted by umm - 21st century people on October 10, 2008 at 7:51 AM · Report
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Love your column, and your use of the term "asshammer" made me giggle out loud. Well done, sir.
Posted by Buck Knuckle on October 21, 2008 at 4:38 PM · Report
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If you are a woman with a low sex drive, take a look at your diet. Both coffee and oysters have xeno-estrogens. I found this out the hard way. I always thought that the 'oysters as aphrodesiac' was a myth, but then I started eating lots of smoked oysters (two tins a day). I got so horny I couldn't stand it. I was CRAZY horny. I stopped eating smoked oysters, and went back to my normal, low sex drive.

The downside is that you my end up with an ovarian cyst (they can nasty bloody things) and increase the size of any uterine fibroid tumors.

Don't go eating two tins day for weeks on end, but start with once or twice a week. It might just help.
Posted by Oyster lover on October 21, 2008 at 9:09 PM · Report
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WWM - I read this and almost had to stop and think if I had written it myself. I am in the EXACT same situation (tearful breakdowns and all) and completely sympathize. Usually it ends up somewhat like what Dan said--my boy deals with it, but I try to help him out when I can, though it's sometimes hard to get in the mood when you're not horny at all. Acting skillz, right?
Good luck - to both of us - that we can be honest and still hold on to some very good guys.
Posted by AD on October 23, 2008 at 2:08 AM · Report
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If the boy wants to fuck the girl in the ass, then he should be just as willing to let her fuck him in the ass with a strap-on. If the boy won't take a strap-on in the ass, he should shut up about wanting to fuck a girl in the ass.
Posted by tr4nqued on October 23, 2008 at 3:19 PM · Report
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To the people saying WWM would find it easier to lie back & think of England than put the effort into a BJ or HJ, I say YMMV.
It seems like vaginal sex when she's not into it is not working for her, or she wouldn't have written in; she'd have been lying back while her fella pumped her unresponsive body. And I can identify with not being into it: having sex when I didn't want to wrecked a relationship for me. Sure, it might have fizzled on its own over time, but the burning resentment I felt was strongly influenced by how upset I felt about putting up with sex I didn't want.

And while many of the things Dan suggested WWM do are, when you come right down to it, sex, different acts are going to have different joy/resentment/boredom/effort levels for different people. In my current relationship, I'm the one with the lower libido. I actually find it really helpful when I think to give my man a BJ instead of just lying back with my legs spread, because although I sometimes forget this, I love giving head. Maybe WWM will discover something like that about herself if she tries out Dan's advice--maybe she too loves giving head, or maybe she'll find it a thrill to dress up in sexy undies and parade around a couple nights a week, or maybe she'll find that cuddling her man from behind while he masturbates is really sweet and makes her happy. Maybe not, but she won't know until she tries.


Oh, and to the person who said she has fifty orgasms a day...I...don't think I would WANT that. :S Usually I'm tired of putting in that much effort after two or three, haha.
Posted by haughty haiku lip curl on October 24, 2008 at 7:03 AM · Report
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I have been married 20 years and so have seen how sex ebbs and flows the years -- and I have had many conversations with my friends, male and female, about the dynamics of sex in the long-term relationship.

My intuition about WWM says "trouble". Look if you are in your 20s and are not into fucking a lot, then when you get in your 30s and life get complicated and you are dead tired from work and kids.... Well, you are *really* not going to be into sex. This is going to be a BIG problem for your relationship because your bf (now long-term partners) sex-drive is probably not going to go down as much. So then all intimacy becomes charged and resentment builds on both sides -- that's bad although so common is mundane.

The solution? God, I wish I knew, but I can say some things that help.
1) Kiss and touch A LOT during the day -- this needs to be disconnected from sex. Men who are feeling horny and unsatisfied can get suspicious about this. "Are you just turning me on to torture me?" and the low libido partner might get nervous "I don't want him(or her, ok) to get the wrong idea." But push past that, cuz it really helps.
2) Pretend to yourself that you are into it. Ok, that's sounds horrible, but the negative mantra "I hate sex, I hate this, yada, yada" does not help things at all. So you have to use positive sexy messages to fight off the negativity.
3) Do not let yourself engage in negative thoughts about being a warm version of a blow-up girl. That is a tall order for the one who doesn't want to have sex as much, but those thoughts just build resentment. Try thinking instead that the fact that your partner wants fuck you means they are "into" you. That's good. And in almost all cases, the amount of sex falls to the lower denominator so its not really fair to whine about having to try to get yourself into it a little more often. But then again to whine and pout is human...
4) Get a vibrator. This won't necessarily increase your libido, but at least it'll make coming a whole lot easier.
5) Some women find watching porn helps. However, personally I find porn made for hetro men has too many pussy shots and tits. I like porn for gay men better cuz it has more of the good stuff (dicks) but this means I can't watch porn with my spouse since he finds dicks to be a turn-off.
6) Remember that sex-less partnerships are generally (though not always) less solid and happy. Sex is good for you -- like exercise and eating healthily, there is a real value in sexual intimacy with your partner.
More...
Posted by eeh on November 4, 2008 at 1:05 PM · Report
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Oh one follow up for WWM. I was assuming that her partner was a decent lover and sensitive and all that. WWM, you obviously need to rule out that your partner is a bad/inexperienced (whatever) lover. You might need to break up with him and sleep around a bit to figure out whether he is good or not (and to get better yourself). Men definitely vary a lot in their styles and skill.
Posted by eeh on November 4, 2008 at 1:15 PM · Report
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I love reading your articles Dan, but sometimes I'm so grossed out by your choice of words or descriptions of vagina's that I can't even think of sex. "Plop your twat on his mouth"?! Yuck!!! You just solved their problem with that one sentence. She's not horny, and neither is he after reading that.
Posted by Ew! on November 8, 2008 at 8:10 AM · Report

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