Joe Newton
A few years back, I took some snapshots of my wife-to-be. She was naked at the time. This unprocessed roll of film has been sitting in my desk for a while, and I'd like to get the pictures developed. However, I have no intention of going to the supermarket and having the old lady behind the film counter glare at me. Worse yet, I would hate for the pimply-faced boy working the machine to distribute naked pictures of my wife at his high school. I found a few companies on the web that claim to provide "discreet and private" film processing. But should I be sending nude photos of my wife to some unknown company in cyberspace? I'd like to avoid having her visage turn up on

Film Guy

"Most of the big drug store and grocery store chains use gigantic film labs that are totally automated," said my friend Joe, who's taken a few dirty pictures of his wife. "What you don't want to do is take your film to any of those one-hour photo places. Then someone will definitely see your pics. You want to take your film to some huge place, like Walgreens or Safeway or Wal-Mart. They send film to big processing labs, where everything's automated, and no human ever sees your pics."

And if you want to take dirty pictures of your wife without having to worry about photo processing, Joe recommends you invest in a digital camera.

"You can download the pics right onto your computer. Unless you e-mail them to someone, your pics never even leave your house. You can make prints yourself with a color printer. The quality of digital cameras is getting better all the time, and the price is coming down."

According to Richard at Ballard Camera, digital cameras start as low as $200, though for home use he recommends the $599 Fugi MX 600. "Cheaper cameras with lower resolution are not very good for making prints," Richard told me. "And the MX 600 comes with rechargeable batteries and includes a video hookup to your TV set." Hmm. Joe was sure most digital cameras are sold to filthy-minded pervs like him, but Richard says they mostly sell the cameras to businesses. "Family photos are something you want to last a lifetime. Film lasts; you shine a light through it and make a picture. But technology is always changing, and in 10 years you might not be able to make new prints off an old digital camera, just like you can't read old floppy disks."

What about good, old-fashioned Polaroids? They don't sell many at Ballard Camera anymore, and according to Joe, there's just no comparison. "Polaroid cameras are cheap, but the pics themselves aren't so hot and they cost a buck a piece," he explained. "With a digital cam, the pics are better quality, and they're a lot cheaper. Actually, once you pay for the camera the pics are pretty much free. All you have to pay for is paper and ink if you want to print them, and that costs about 20 cents per pic, tops. Go digital."

For nearly 10 years I have been in prison (manslaughter). I'm a SWM, 28, somewhat smart, and an accomplished "jailhouse lawyer." I will be up for parole in 2001. I intend to go to law school when I get out. I met a woman whom I would very much like to be more-than-friends with. She is about my age, and an ivy-league-educated lawyer at a firm in New York City. In terms of looks, she's Lewinsky-esque, which I find hot.

We've never met in person, but we've worked on some prisoners' civil rights stuff together. Our communications were initially about business, but lately we've begun to talk about personal topics, including our pasts, future plans for family, and the common pitfalls of relationships between prisoners and non-prisoners. She recently asked me for my photo, which I was happy to send. I'm pretty well-built from--what else?--lifting iron in the yard. She has a boring boyfriend, but I get the feeling that she is not madly in love with the guy. Do you think this gal considers me potential serious-relationship material? And, if so, how can I improve my chances of her choosing me?

Cold in Siberia

Getting yourself paroled in 2001 will do more to improve your chances than anything else. My advice: Don't get into any fistfights in the yard, don't sue the warden for anything trivial, and don't participate in any riots or jailbreaks. You want out? Keep your nose clean, punk.

As for whether ivy-league lawyer lady considers you, somewhat-smart manslaughter guy, potential serious-relationship material, well... only she knows the answer to that question. You could ask her in a letter, or you can wait until you're out and ask her in person. Whatever you do, though, don't entertain too many unrealistic expectations.

I'm a 45-year-old, financially secure male with a BIG problem. My sex life is terrible. The reason can be attributed to my wife. She's 5'2", weighs about 220 pounds, and just keeps getting heavier. She's really let herself go, and sex with her is a painful chore. Since I don't find her attractive anymore, I have to have a porn video going in order to keep a hard-on. She's so heavy that it hurts like hell when she gets on top of me. I'm no toothpick either, at 5'11", 330 pounds, so she won't let me get on top of her. I'm good for about 15 minutes, because the pressure my wife puts on my nutsack gets to be too much. What the hell should I do? I still love her and enjoy her company, and I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying the wrong thing. Any advice you would have on fixing this situation would be appreciated.

Big Problem

Your wife "let herself go"? What about you, fatboy? You're not exactly an underwear model, you know. I would attribute this problem not just to your wife, but to both of you letting yourselves go. The two of you are dangerously heavy, and I suspect it's not just your love life that's suffering. Your hearts aren't going to hold up for long if they have to keep pushing blood through all those extra pounds. Since this is a problem you share, don't worry about offending your wife or hurting her feelings. When you bring it up, be as hard on yourself as you are on her: She got fat, you got fat, your love life sucks as a result, and things have got to change. You say you're "financially secure." Well, spending some money on a personal trainer and a nutritionist might take some of the pressure off your nutsack.

Hey, Women:

Come to Gurlie Chat '99, at Toys in Babeland! The Stranger Personals lasses will be there to answer any questions you might have about using our personals, the gals from Toys in Babeland will be there to lead us through a thrilling sex toy demo, and of course I'll be there in my capacity as an honorary girl. We'll check out the wares, dish about the objects of our various affections, and have some fun. Admission is free, we'll be giving away prizes, and this a WOMEN ONLY event. Wednesday April 21 (note the date change!), 7:30 p.m., at Toys in Babeland, 707 E. Pike. Call 720-7855 for more info.

Hey, Taggers:

Notorious graffiti artist Flaire is behind bars, but somebody out there is still tagging the city with his name. If you've been slapping "FreeFlaire" on walls, Stranger news reporter Ben Jacklet wants to talk to you. Call him at 323-7101.