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May 31, 2001
If some straight guy went around bashing gays in print in the way you've been bashing poo-eaters, we'd all assume he was a closet case. So how about it, Dan: What's your real motivation, huh? Expressing personal preference is one thing, but publishing letters just so you can point out how disgusted you are is hate-mongering. Poo-eaters no doubt have a lot to deal with without having some sex columnist remind them of their marginal status. Most people I've met with strange fetishes would rather not have them. They can't help it.
Loyal but Disappointed Reader
First, I am not now, nor have I ever been, a poo-eater. Of course, if I were a poo-eater, I probably wouldn't admit it in print, so I guess you'll have to take my denial with a grain of salt. Or, if you prefer, a kernel of corn.
In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit to having some rather strange fetishes myself. I've found my fetishes to be pleasurable at some times (for obvious reasons) and irksome at others (for logistical reasons). And there have been times when I've wished I didn't have the fetishes that I do, so I understand what poo-eaters out there must be going through. Finding like-minded perverts is never easy, and the more obscure or stomach-churning your fetish, the harder it is to find that special someone.
However, LBDR, while each of us has an absolute right to explore our fetishes with willing, like-minded perverts of legal age, we do not have the right to demand that other people refrain from wrinkling their noses in disgust when our fetishes are discussed in a public forum.
Is what you told shit-eaters serious? "Please stop reading my column." That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I am into scat. Just because you don't have my fetish and don't understand it doesn't make it wrong! People who say, "That's disgusting!" are pathetic. What I'm into is the same as someone having a foot fetish. The object of the fetish is not what it is in and of itself, but the meaning that object has taken on over the course of a person's individual experience. This is why the smell/taste of shit is not as appalling to a shit-eater as it might be to a non-shit-eater. The shit-eater's attachment is founded upon something larger and more profound. It is subconsciously symbolic.
Don't Run Me Down
I never said eating shit is wrong; I said eating shit is disgusting. If shit-eaters are eating shit because they're turned on by feeling dirty or degraded (which seems the likeliest subconsciously symbolic attachment), then shit-eaters should be willing to acknowledge that eating shit is, in point of fact, disgusting. And while the human impulse to fetishize feet or shit may be the same at bottom, discussing the sight, smell, and taste of feet elicits a very different reaction from a non-foot-fetishist than a shit-eating discussion elicits from a non-shit-eater. Deal with it.
Tell your shit-freak readers to get jobs in nursing homes wiping butts. Not only will they get to handle shit all day long, they'll also get paid for it!
Shit-Eating Problem Solved
In defense of shit freaks (how I dreaded ever having to write that), I should point out the person producing the turd is just as important as the turd itself. A straight guy who wants to lick feet isn't interested in any old foot, SEPS, but a foot attached to someone he's attracted to. Likewise, a turd in an adult diaper pinched out by someone's demented old granny won't do much for a wholesome, God-fearing, right-thinking shit freak. What shit freaks want, of course, are turds pinched by Pamela Anderson or Ben Affleck, or, in some extremely distressing cases, James Gandolfini.
I wanted to send a warning to your poo-eating readers. While urine is relatively sterile, shit is chock full of bacteria, viruses, and everything else the body deems unworthy to stay inside. Scat is not safe. There have been many cases of people sent to the hospital, and even the morgue, from turd-gobbling. For your readers who have this fetish, I recommend sticking to videos. There are quite a few available, most of which use chocolate pudding.
Poop Is for Toilets
Videos aren't the only option for poo freaks, PIFT. On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play, an exhaustive and, at times, exhausting book, holds out hope for health-conscious poo-eaters everywhere. "There are many foods that have a consistency similar to feces," writes author Trevor Jacques, the Martha Stewart of the SM scene. "A single drop of butyric acid [smells] like a ton of feces, so you could use a combination of butyric acid and food for the right effect." Mashed potatoes that smell and taste like crap: It's a good thing.
I'm a 25-year-old straight male, and I love to go down on women. One of my favorite freaky things to do while I'm eating a girl out is to randomly lick her asshole. I've seen this done in pornos, and from personal experience I know it drives some women wild. I love having it performed on me when I'm getting head, and by trying it on a lady first, she gets the idea of what turns me on. In a perfect situation, this is something you do in or after a long hot shower.
However, I don't always find myself in perfect situations that allow for a complete scrubbing back there. So my question is this: How dangerous and unsanitary is this after a long night of going out to bars with chicks using public bathrooms?
Caribbean Butt Pirate
P.S. I want to clarify that I am NOT one of the poo-eaters who read your column.
Look where all this poo-eating talk has gotten us. Normal people--guys into eating pussy and licking squeaky-clean butts--now feel compelled to deny being poo-eaters when they write. Nothing about your letter, CBP, led me to believe you were into shit, and it pains me to no end that you felt compelled to deny it in a P.S.
Anyway, in answer to your question, only clean butts should be licked, as dirty butts can make a person very, very ill (hepatitis, intestinal parasites, cooties), and butt-licking should never be a first-date activity. If you're going to rim or be rimmed, shower first. If you don't have time to shower, wipe your crack with a wet, soapy washcloth. Insisting that your date prep herself for an ass-licking may deprive you of the element of surprise, but it will keep your butt-licking self and your butt-licking partner a whole lot safer.
What's it called when a guy eats out a girl during her period? I just love drenching my face in my girlfriend's fresh flow.
Phil in Philly
Phil, you disgust me. See, shit-eaters? It's not just you.