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Earlabia

September 14, 2011

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I am a 16-year-old female. I have been in a monogamous relationship with a boy for seven months. My first, his too. A couple of months in, we began to explore masturbating each other and oral sex. He has gone down on me three times, but I have never given him a blowjob. I'm scared to because I'm scared he will be disappointed. We fight sometimes because he feels it's unfair that he goes down on me and I don't go down on him.

On top of this, he started doing something when we are in the midst of being sexual that I don't understand. He will stick the tip of his hard penis just inside the opening to my vagina, again and again. I guess you could call it "probing." I know enough to know that there's a slight risk of pregnancy, as pre-come can get a woman pregnant and he doesn't wear a condom when he does this. We are planning on having complete vaginal intercourse in the next few months, with condoms and birth control, but this is happening now and it worries me.

This is what I need advice about: I know that there is a very small risk of pregnancy even if we use condoms and birth control. I couldn't handle a child at my age or the humiliation of being pregnant at 16 and having to walk around town with the evidence out for all to see. I would have an abortion. He disagrees strongly with abortion, but he's not the one who would have to go through it all! So I would probably end up having an abortion without telling him, which seems completely unfair.

No Clue What To Do

I'm going to take your problems one at a time, NCWTD, in ascending order of importance/assholery.

1. A disappointing blowjob is always less disappointing than no blowjob at all, NCWTD, particularly for teenage boys. So it's always better to err on the side of blowjobs.

Yes, you'll probably be pretty inept at first. Take things slowly and only take him as far into your mouth as you feel comfortable with. (Feel free to wrap a fist or two around the base of his cock so you can control how fast and far his dick goes into your mouth.) Don't let your boyfriend rush or guilt you into blowing him until he comes by pointing to all the times—all the three times!—that he went down on you. Sucking cock is physically trickier and more taxing than eating pussy. That may seem crazy unfair—hasa diga eebowai—but on the bright side, it frees you from having to get him off with your mouth the first few dozen times you attempt to blow him.

2. Probing is low-risk for pregnancy, NCWTD, but there's still some risk. What worries me is that this activity makes you uncomfortable and either you haven't said anything to your boyfriend or you have said something and he's doing it anyway. Tell him no more probing, if you haven't already, and if he initiates probing after you've made it clear that you're not comfortable with it, break the fuck up with him. Which brings us to...

3. You're going to have to go Bitch Puddin' on his ass, NCWTD. Memorize this, say it to him, and mean it: "If I let you stick your dick in my vagina and I get pregnant, I am getting an abortion. If you can't live with that—if you aren't willing to shoulder the psychic risk of knowing that your girlfriend would get or actually got an abortion, while she shoulders the actual physical risk of an unplanned pregnancy—then I am never going to let you stick your dick in my vagina. You're free to disagree with my choice, of course, but you can't prevent me from making that choice. So what's it going to be?"


I'm a 25-year-old gay male with a foot fetish. I have a wonderful boyfriend who lets me indulge by rubbing his feet. When I brought him home to meet the folks, at one point he took his shoes off and casually rested his feet in my lap while sitting in the living room with my parents. I felt really weird about rubbing his feet with my parents looking on. My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't worry because my parents don't know about my kink and a foot rub looks innocent enough. Am I right to feel weird about this?

Bear Foot Fetishist

Let's say your parents ran across shitloads of gay foot fetish porn on your computer when you were still a teenager. Are your mom and dad the kind of open-minded, sexually progressive parents who would ruin your sex life forever by initiating a mortifying conversation about what they found? Or are they the kind of closed-minded, sexually inhibited parents who would do the right thing and never, ever mention what they found? Hopefully the latter.

So it's entirely possible that your parents do know about your kink, BFF, and that they were deeply weirded out when your new boyfriend went out of his way to give you a boner while they were sitting there. For all you know, your parents are at home right now questioning your judgment and wondering how they can get out of inviting your boyfriend for Thanksgiving without seeming like homophobes.

And speaking of questionable judgment: I've watched a lot of hot boys from small towns wash up in my urban hellhole over the years. These boys typically leverage their good looks to get jobs making coffee/burritos/drinks/whatever, and then, over the course of a year or two, throw their good looks away with the assistance of booze, cigarettes, tattoo artists, and professional piercers. I get it: Nothing stays the same, all things die, and these guys aren't trying to earn social or sexual currency with the old fags in the hood.

But there's this one waiter/barista/bartender/whatever who works in a place near my office—I'm not going to say exactly what he does—who, having already gone in for full tattoo sleeves on both arms, recently stuck a pair of plugs in his earlobes. His plugs are moderately sized, but I worry that they're going to get bigger and bigger until this boy—who's just so damn lovely—turns his earlobes into earlabia. (That's what they look like when people walk around without the plugs in.)

They're not my ears, I realize, and this boy, like all the other hipster boys, can do what he likes with his own earlobes. But earlabia don't look good on anybody. Please make a note of it, hipster boys.


I'm a 20-year-old female girl. I'm sure you've addressed this qualm many times: I'm wondering if it's bad that I use porn to masturbate. I can pleasure myself without porn, but I enjoy it more when I do. I feel bad after I do it. Is it bad? Should I stop?

Worried Porn Girl

Not bad, WPG, don't stop.

You should, however, be a conscientious female girl porn consumer. Superstar sex writer Violet Blue does an amazing job covering and uncovering porn that's nonexploitative and female-girl-positive/female-girl-created, WPG, and reading Violet will help cure you of that niggling case of postorgasmic porn shame you've got. (For the record: Straight porn created by and for men can be female-girl-positive, too.) Read Violet at www.tinynibbles.com.


Website of the Week: www.gayhomophobe.com.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

 

Comments (295) RSS

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295
@mydriasis and Black Rose 24 weeks is the line for some states because that is when a fetus is considered viable. Before that, the lungs do not make type 1 surfactant and the baby cannot breathe. A fetus very existence is 100% dependent on the mother. Before that point, separation is not really a possibility.
Posted by basic anatomy on October 16, 2011 at 3:48 PM · Report this
mydriasis 294
Money... for abortion.
That is a somewhat absurd statement in my mind.
Abortion's a medical procedure, and an essential one.

Okay first of all.... comparing a hair and a fetus is insane in my mind. A hair does not have it's own brain and nervous system and ability to experience pain and suffering. That's the salient point and for that reason: analogy fail.

Back to abortion policy... unless I'm getting my math wrong 12 weeks is three months. Thats quite a while to be pregnant and not notice.

I would prefer that women do it as soon after they find out as possible, but I would not be fully comfortable suggesting limits that force women to remain pregnant when they don't want to be.

That's the difference between seeing the law as a "tool" versus seeing the law as some sort of handbook of what I think is right or wrong.

Women should have the right to choose. I would never want to change that. But it is, in a sense, a licence to kill and therefore something that should be respected by the owners of those rights.

I'm going to go right ahead and assume that in all these scenarios you think the man's opinion and feelings are 100% unimportant as well?
Posted by mydriasis on October 1, 2011 at 10:08 AM · Report this
293
@288: Agreed, being inside someone and being dependent on someone's body are two separate things. I'm not conflating the two; I'm saying in neither case does someone have the right to live (even if a fetus counts as 'someone'). For instance, you can ethically choose not to donate an organ or blood even if someone dies because you don't. The person who needs your blood could be said to be dependent on you, especially if you share a rare blood type, regardless of location.

I'm not sure why you say that a fetus is not dependent on the mother right before birth. It's getting nutrients and oxygen from the mother: in what sense is it not dependent?

Your so-called 'sadistic' abortion wouldn't disturb me at all. No more than it would disturb you if someone 'sadistically' plucked a hair off his arm because he wants power over those cells and follicles. Fetuses should only live as long as the mother wants. If it's in your body, taking your resources, you have the absolute right to terminate -- otherwise you're forced into being pregnant.

Would it change your mind on abortion if we had a method that could be shown to be completely painless?

As far as the 12-week line: some women don't even realize they're pregnant till later than that. Some women don't have the money for an abortion and need the time to get it or save it. Some women may have a major change in their lives -- a breakup, death in the family, losing a job, a sick relative -- and suddenly it no longer makes sense to have a kid.

(Those are the kind of arguments that most pro-choicers make, but they bother me a little because people shouldn't need a good reason to control their body at any time, and it's a little scary and disturbing to me to think that someone needs to justify their desire not to be pregnant anymore. Bans on sex-selective abortion are another example of someone not approving of women's choices to control their bodies.)
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Posted by BlackRose on October 1, 2011 at 7:20 AM · Report this
292
@291 Hunter78: You nailed it! And they're chortling over their Tea Party lackeys doing all the grunt work, too.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 30, 2011 at 5:52 PM · Report this
291
The GOP are assholes who'd rather see US go to waste than Obama succeed.
Posted by Hunter78 on September 30, 2011 at 5:23 PM · Report this
mydriasis 290
@289

I actually gave you the benefit of the doubt and figured the 'sweetie' was sass and not condescension. ;)

Yeah I'm not surprised when I come off as 'male' a lot of my personality traits are traditionally masculine.
Posted by mydriasis on September 29, 2011 at 6:52 PM · Report this
289
@288: Okay. Sorry. No offense intended. I also apologize for the "sweetie". In retrospect, it does come off as condescending.
Actually I was just curious if you were male because I think your views could go either way, regardless if you have children or abortions or not. That's rightfully your decision.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 29, 2011 at 6:23 PM · Report this
mydriasis 288
@286

"if you're inside someone else, or dependent on someone else's body"

Those are two seperate things. That's why I reference viability way back when and you said it didn't matter. It appears to me that you're conflating viability and location. Certainly right before birth that child is no longer dependant on the mother, but they are still IN her.

I think all things that are alive are worthy of compassion in some degree. And most certainly things capable of perceiving pain. For example, I think killing an animal to eat it is fine, but killing an animal just to see something die is... well.. unethical.

To your point, if all abortion is by definition ethical... what if someone chooses to have one to fufil some sort of sadistic bent? You may not perceive a fetus as alive or human but many people do, especially as birth nears. What if someone said "I want to terminate that pregnancy as late as possible because I want to feel powerful and it would give me a rush to end a human life". Would that not disturb you?

As for where the line should be... I'm really not sure. Obviously I would prefer that women do it as early as possible, and before 12 weeks would certainly be nice.

Maybe I'm missing something but I see no reason that a women should be sitting around pregnant all that time with a child they don't actually want?

Finally, auntie...

No, I'm female. And I actually kind of found that question to be offensive because I assume you were waiting for me to say I was male so you could launch into some sort of tongue clicking about how men just don't understand women's rights.

I care a lot about women's rights, but I also respect other women enough to have high standards for their ethics and how they behave.

I assume you will now want to ask me if I've ever been pregnant or had children or an abortion and those are not questions I am comfortable answering a stranger on the internet about, so please hold off.
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Posted by mydriasis on September 29, 2011 at 3:22 PM · Report this
287
@278: I asked you first, sweetie.

I think this discussion pretty much proves, once and for all, that there are few things clearly in "black and white".
Me, I'm the reigning Queen of Gray Area, with a little help from Miss Clairol.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 29, 2011 at 12:54 PM · Report this
286
@285:

I completely understand: you support the legal right to abortion but think it's sometimes unethical. That's what I meant by saying "anti-abortion" though I guess that was a confusing term for it. There isn't a simple term for "thinks that abortion is unethical sometimes" vs. "thinks abortion is always ethical."

I agree that personhood develops gradually over time. I still don't see why birth is arbitrary: before that time, the fetus is within someone else's 'zone of control.' Could you explain what you think makes a fetus worthy of compassion?

I understand that a fetus has different DNA, fingerprints, etc. I just don't see why it matters. And yes, it is about where someone is: if you're inside someone else, or dependent on someone else's body, you don't have the ethical right to stay alive because it's trumped by the ethical right of someone else to control their body and what's within. I don't think it's a knee-jerk reaction: I just think that the right to control what's within your body trumps other issues (as well as a fetus being very very low on the personhood continuum). No one should be forced to be pregnant, which is why I'm opposed to the 24-week line.

If you want abortion to occur as early as possible, wouldn't you support a 12-week line even more (as some European countries have)?
Posted by BlackRose on September 29, 2011 at 10:28 AM · Report this
mydriasis 285
I agree that it isn't as arbitrary, but it still is arbitrary, as you hinted at but won't admit.

The fact of the matter is, the idea that a human being is not a human being, but simply a component of your body one milisecond and a full-fledged human being worthy of rights another second isn't biologically true, or ethically true in my mind. You seem to think that a baby isn't a full-fledged human being the moment they're born, so at least there's consistency there. Basically, you're agreeing with me that personhood isn't a binary entity, it is instead gradual and that's where there's tricky grey areas. I just believe that the things that make a person worthy of compassion happen earlier than you do.

As for the 24 weeks, I believe that if an abortion is to occur, it should occur as early as possible, I don't know when a human being is able to perceive pain but I would like to avoid that, if at all possible.

Wouldn't you?

Like I said, it's not religious, it's biology. You think that it's perfectly ethical to end the life of a human being if they are one millisecond away from being born. That human isn't "her body" it's just "in" her body. Different brain, different hands, different fingers and toes, different DNA. The difference isn't "who's body" it is, in my mind, it's where that person is. At that point, anyway.

So it's not the same as the difference between my body and your body even if we're a millimeter away. It's the same as in the living room it's ethical to kill me and in the kitchen it's not.

Like I said, and you don't seem to get it... I'm not arguing against the right for people to have an abortion, whatever the reason, I'm arguing that in some cases it wouldn't be an ethical thing to do. It would, however, be more ethical than keeping that baby.

I live in Canada, in a large city. I have seen anti-abortion billboards in the States, I have never seen anything like that here. I've never seen a pro-life rally, I've never seen a pro-life ad, and though there certainly are religious people here, they aren't a politically significant lobby. I have never worried that I, or anyone I care about would need to have an abortion and not be allowed to have one.

That is why I'm comfortable pondering the nuanced ethics and moving on from what I believe is a knee-jerk reaction on your part. You claimed I have an "anti-abortion" argument. I don't.

Let me put it this way.

There are things it is a dick thing to say. If someone says one of those things I might say "hey, it was a dick thing for you to say that".

That is not the same as challenging free speech. There are things that are mean (and yes, unethical!) to say, but pointing out that they are unethical is not the same as saying a person shouldn't have the right to say them.
More...
Posted by mydriasis on September 29, 2011 at 6:08 AM · Report this
284
@280: You make a good point that we should distinguish between what is legal and what is ethical.

As far as ethics, I do think that people have the ethical right to control their own body. In other words, it's always ethical to do what you want with your own body. So I don't think abortion is ever wrong under any circumstance.

Where do you live that has no religious nutjobs? Again, I am really not understanding your anti-abortion argument if it's not a religious one.

As I said, I don't know about infanticide. It's a tricky issue. It doesn't personally bother me emotionally, but in the abstract, it might indeed be a lesser-of-two-evils. It's definitely much better than killing a 3 year old, say.

@281: The 24-week line is only the "current delineation" in some US states. Others have earlier or later lines, and some states have no abortion restrictions at all. I think most other countries have earlier lines as well.

@282: Why do you think 24 weeks is a better line than birth? Can you see my point that birth isn't as arbitrary because that's the point where a baby is no longer inside another person, and so the issue of controlling your own body isn't in play anymore?
Posted by BlackRose on September 29, 2011 at 5:04 AM · Report this
283
@271 and @273 I appreciate the understanding. And while I wouldn't really have an issue trying to talk it out on here, I have no idea where to start! So who knows maybe some column will have something relevant to my situation soon, and it'll all come out in one long sordid sob story. :)
Posted by KateRose on September 28, 2011 at 11:25 AM · Report this
mydriasis 282
That is a much better line than birth, in my opinion.
But it is, again, arbitrary. We need to impose arbitrary lines to make laws about things like this, but I think any rational person knows that no magical thing happens at 23 weeks, 6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds.
Posted by mydriasis on September 27, 2011 at 10:37 AM · Report this
281
The current 24-week delineation does a pretty effective job of taking into account the biological situation.
Posted by avast2006 on September 27, 2011 at 10:32 AM · Report this
mydriasis 280
No, that's not the alternative. You're seeing it too simplistically.

Like I said, I believe the scenarios you suggested should be "a right" but not that they "are right" and there's absolutely a difference. The law needs arbitrary lines, reality and ethics are more nuanced. The law says age of consent happens at the stroke of midnight on a certain day, but certainly a person isn't a horribly unethical monster at 11:59 and a normal well-adjusted individual at 12:00 AM. Or do you believe that too, because the "alternative" is to do away with age-of-consent completely.

I think infanticide is absolutely wrong.

But for the record, I'm talking about the context of where I live, where there's no access problem whatsoever and no religious nutjobs trying to repeal these rights.

So again... you think infanticide is not a lesser-of-two evils? It's a non-evil?
Posted by mydriasis on September 27, 2011 at 8:22 AM · Report this
279
@278: Yes, of course. The alternative would be saying a woman doesn't have the right to control her own body.

I think what's troubling you is that we currently consider killing a newborn to be a horrible crime deserving of life imprisonment. This doesn't make sense, because the end result is basically the same as if the woman had had an abortion instead. I think the inconsistency is on that end: killing an unwanted newborn is not as bad as killing an actual developed person.
Posted by BlackRose on September 27, 2011 at 6:54 AM · Report this
mydriasis 278
@Autie: what do you think?

@Blackrose: You think that's the same? Ok. So if a women is in labour and 1 millisecond away from giving birth to a living breathing "baby" but because it's still a fetus she could in theory end the life of that "fetus" somehow if she wanted and it would be as inconsequential as pulling a tooth because it is still "her body".
Posted by mydriasis on September 27, 2011 at 5:22 AM · Report this
277
@275: It's about as arbitrary as saying I can do whatever I want to my body, but not to yours, even if your body is only a millimeter away from mine. You control what's inside your body. Not what's outside it. I do think that's a clear black and white line, yes.
Posted by BlackRose on September 27, 2011 at 1:20 AM · Report this
276
@275: mydriasis: Are you male?
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 26, 2011 at 11:56 PM · Report this
mydriasis 275
Sigh.
My point applies there as well.

To say that [it is perfectly moral to end the life of a being] the millisecond before they leave the birth canal and [it is a tricky moral question about whether or not to end their life] the millisecond after is EXTREMELY arbitrary. You truly don't realize that?

You think that is, indeed, a clear black and white?
Posted by mydriasis on September 26, 2011 at 7:40 PM · Report this
274
@272: You're confusing two different things I said.

Before birth, a fetus is physically inside a woman's body. It's her right to control her own body. After birth, the baby is physically separate. Inside/outside. Fetus/baby. That is a clear, black-and-white biological distinction. That's why there's nothing wrong with abortion, but infanticide is a trickier question.

However, being a person with human rights, versus a non-person, isn't a clear or biological distinction: it's a moral and a social one. That's a shades-of-grey issue. A newborn infant is not a full person who is a member of a moral community. An adult is. There's a gradual transition.
Posted by BlackRose on September 26, 2011 at 6:20 PM · Report this
273
@266 & @269: No worries. No offense taken.
I don't mind a little doofus-bashing, myself, except that in
a battle of wits, they're usually unarmed.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 26, 2011 at 4:56 PM · Report this
mydriasis 272
"How is birth not a biological separation?"

Biology doesn't always like to make neat and tidy distinctions and seperations. The law does. Religion does. Biology does not. Much like "girl" and "boy" aren't always black and white, neither are "baby" and "fetus".

Please reread, regarding the muddiness of this distinction...

Some babies are born premature, do they then become "persons" before those that are carried to term? Is a 8 months old fetus a "non-person" on par with a tooth and a 1-month premature baby is worthy of respect and dignity? Is the head a "baby's head" and the feet a "fetus' feet" midway through birth? The head to be cherished and the feet to be discarded at will? What about a C-section, do they become a person upon incision?

You are pretending something is black and white when really there are gradations of grey.

To say that a person is a trivial clump of cells the millisecond before they leave the birth canal and are a "person, having human rights, part of a moral community, worthy of respect and dignity" the millisecond after is EXTREMELY arbitrary. You truly don't realize that?
Posted by mydriasis on September 26, 2011 at 3:38 PM · Report this
271
@269: Really sorry to hear, and I totally understand. I feel like bashing idiots in the head most days also. Hope you feel better and feel free to post here or email if you need any support or help.

@270: How is birth not a biological separation? Before birth, a woman has a fetus in her body. After birth, it's a separate and disconnected organism that's breathing and making noise and exposed to the world. Did you mean "secular" in your comment? Presumably as an atheist you only care about secular distinctions.

I just don't understand why you find some reasons morally repugnant, or, put another way, why you care about a fetus.

I don't think I suggested that viability was relevant. After all, some day we may have incubators with which any fetus is viable, even newly conceived ones. And babies aren't really "viable" without a lot of support and, often, technology. Some sick or disabled people aren't either but they're still people.

You hint at a difficult question: a mother, perhaps without abortion access, kills or abandons her recent newborn. Is this worse than abortion? The end result is pretty much the same. As you point out, a newborn isn't much of a person either. But it's not a right to kill or abandon a newborn, the way controlling your own body is.

There is a case to be made that infanticide isn't wrong, or at least not as wrong as killing someone old enough to talk and think. But we as a society don't want to condone killing separate, born, human beings, because of where this might lead, and how it might affect people who saw or did this. We do have exceptions for war and self-defense: I could see "recent unwanted birth" being another such exception. Some states have "safe surrender" laws as a way of safely dealing with unwanted newborns, which is one solution. I could also see having graduated penalties that get worse as a newborn gets older. These are difficult questions, similar to mercy-killing questions involving someone dying and in great pain.
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Posted by BlackRose on September 26, 2011 at 3:23 PM · Report this
mydriasis 270
"It may be one biologically, but in the sense that matters here -- a person, having human rights, part of a moral community, worthy of respect and dignity -- I don't think it is."

The seperation between baby and fetus is again, not a hard and fast one biologically, and thus the distinction is hardly secular, in my mind.

Some babies are born premature, do they then become "persons" before those that are carried to term? Is a 8 months old fetus a "non-person" on par with a tooth and a 1-month premature baby is worthy of respect and dignity? Is the head a "baby's head" and the feet a "fetus' feet" midway through birth? The head to be cherished and the feet to be discarded at will? What about a C-section, do they become a person upon incision? Or is it, as you suggest, the viability? Whether or not they could survive outside the mother. A baby with Tay-Sachs will never reach adulthood. Are they not a person for that reason?

Like I said, I support abortion, and these arbitrary distinctions NEED to be made to protect the rights of women. I believe every woman is entitled to have an abortion regardless of the reason but I will find certain reasons morally repugnant.
Posted by mydriasis on September 26, 2011 at 1:29 PM · Report this
269
Before I even check to see the responses to my post @ 266, please allow me to apologize. I had a horrible day, and felt like saying horrible things. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say my life is falling apart around me. It's not a good excuse for posting that and putting my bad day on everyone else.
Posted by KateRose on September 26, 2011 at 1:06 PM · Report this
268
I'd like to point out that fetuses don't vote either, but women do.

I'm just saying.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 26, 2011 at 11:55 AM · Report this
267
I'm glad there's a healthy debate over all the "potential pregnancy" implications of the first letter from NCWTD, though the divergence into abortion debates doesn't really help anything.

BUT DAN, DAN, DAN! Why the f&ck did you rail against sleeves, piercings and lobe plugs (a.k.a. "earlabia") in the middle of a half-assed response to a guy wondering about a FOOT MASSAGE. You short-changed him, went WAY off on a tangent and seemed to countermand your own mission statement.

My girlfriend and I have been big fans of yours for a while, but you're slipping, buddy. She has an AMAZING sleeve that took 4 years to complete, let alone the years she spent planning, researching and drawing it, then teaming with close artist friends to work on it. She also has 1-inch plugs and "earlabia" that I don't even really notice, except when I'm riding her hard and sucking on them -- like we did just this morning. Oh, and I also LOVE sucking on her double-nipple posts while she rides me. We're having the best sex of our lives and we're madly in love. I'm nearly 43 years old with NO tattoos/piercings at all, she's nearly 32 with lots of tattoos and the aforementioned plugs and nipple posts. Why would I care about them on her?!?!? She's AMAZING! And she gets REALLY tired of having her "book" read "by the cover", so to speak. You of all people should understand that.

She does NOT have low self-esteem, and she knows a lot about tattoos and piercings, as she was a tattoo artist in Chicago for a while. She LEFT the industry because of all the junk she was being forced to ink on drunk-assed douchebags and douchettes. So trust me... we know what's going on when it comes to body modifications and art. Yes, art.

Anyway, PLEASE try to stay on point when answering a sincere question from people who DESPERATELY need good, insightful, mature answers in this deplorably sexually inept country of ours. PLEASE. Thank you.

SRP
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Posted by graflexdreams on September 26, 2011 at 11:17 AM · Report this
266
It's not a matter of caring about life, it's a matter of weeding out morons. I don't care about life, but kids are innocent. It's adults that screw everything up. Personally, I think things would be better if we could go around bashing people we didn't like in the head. Sure, I might end up a casualty of that, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with the idiots I put up with daily.
Posted by KateRose on September 26, 2011 at 9:29 AM · Report this
265
@264: Let's use correct and non-inflammatory language here: before it's born, it's a fetus that gets aborted, not a baby that gets killed. It's not so clear that a fetus is a "human life." It may be one biologically, but in the sense that matters here -- a person, having human rights, part of a moral community, worthy of respect and dignity -- I don't think it is.

I don't think the line is arbitrary or artificial at all. You control your body: that's a basic principle of human rights. Whatever is inside your body is within your domain of control. You don't always control things or people outside your body.

I've never been a cop. Or an executioner. Or a soldier. Or in any situation where I could rightfully kill someone. I don't know how I'd feel. But I don't think abortion is comparable, at all. A fetus is inside someone's body, completely connected and dependent on it, has never interacted with any other human being, and doesn't really have any characteristics we'd associate with intelligence or morality or humanity.

My main objection to what you're saying is that you're drawing a line for what you think is legitimate based on the reason a woman gets an abortion, and past that is something you wouldn't condone. Abortion is a right that's constantly being attacked and criticized. I don't think we should look at the reasons people have for controlling their own bodies: it's their right. You say you're not arguing against abortion, but you're not clearly supporting it in all cases, and you seem to think it's something that people should feel bad or weird or guilty about.
Posted by BlackRose on September 26, 2011 at 6:40 AM · Report this
mydriasis 264
But that's an artificial, arbitrary (but somewhat neccessary) line, hence my comment.
If a baby is viable, but still inside the mother, is it acceptable to kill him/her? What if the baby is half in, half out? How viable is viable? Etc.

I'm not arguing AGAINST abortion. I think in legitimate cases (again, includes a grey area) it's the right thing to do. If a cop shoots someone because they have a gun drawn on an innocent person, that might be the right thing to do. But I'd still expect a normal person to feel a little weird about taking a human life. And I wouldn't condone someone shooting someone "just to have the experience" and "blog about it".
Posted by mydriasis on September 26, 2011 at 5:42 AM · Report this
263
@262: Yes, agreed, I'm ignorant of any secular reasonable argument against abortion. I think it's a pretty straightforward question. People should control what's inside their bodies. But feel free to enlighten me. I don't see why it's a lesser of two evils.

The line between abortion and infanticide is at birth. Some philosophers, like Peter Singer, have made arguments for infanticide, but since a born child is no longer inside someone's body it's very different.
Posted by BlackRose on September 26, 2011 at 1:24 AM · Report this
mydriasis 262
@260

I feel like that's a pretty ignorant viewpoint, honestly.

You think killing a person is wrong but abortion isn't? Where is the line between abortion and infanticide? Is it a legitimate one?

That was the point I was making.
Abortion is a lesser-of-two-evils, not a non-evil.

P.S. I'm an atheist, life-long, not raised religious, don't believe in an afterlife, don't believe in a soul, etc. The religion thing doesn't pertain to me.
Posted by mydriasis on September 25, 2011 at 7:18 PM · Report this
261
@260: Amen!
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 25, 2011 at 5:46 PM · Report this
260
@258: You care about life so much that you'd kill someone for having an abortion if you didn't like their reason?

@257: You can worry about my mental health and moral issues if you'd like: I strongly support abortion at any time for any reason, and I don't think there's ever anything wrong with an abortion. It's not a moral issue any more than getting a tooth pulled is.

Now I recognize that my position is in the minority. Without those people who think abortion should be legal even if they don't think it's right some of the time, abortion probably wouldn't be legal. But I don't really understand how people can say they are totally pro-choice, but still think that there's something somehow wrong with an abortion because of the reason a woman has one. That's religious pro-life anti-human rights crap.
Posted by BlackRose on September 24, 2011 at 7:28 PM · Report this
259
@255: Further clarification of my opinion on what @253 said: I personally wouldn't choose abortion as a method of birth control, but I wouldn't stand in anyone else's way.

Okay. I'm done.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 24, 2011 at 2:29 AM · Report this
258
@256 I did mention that there are risks with other forms of birth control. And if someone did have a reaction to all other forms of birth control, well, that would be one of those "extreme circumstances".
I'm all for being open minded, but lines have to be drawn somewhere. While I'm pro choice, I still do believe that it's a life after conception. I understand and support the people who disagree for having that opinion, but the idea that someone would purposely create (for the sake of argument) a "potential life" then take it away just for experience sake. I'd probably give them a several years late term abortion if I met them on the street.
Posted by KateRose on September 23, 2011 at 9:32 AM · Report this
mydriasis 257
@Blackrose

That's pretty disgusting.
Honestly.
The reason we deliniate between "birth" as the beginning of life is not a scientific one, but a legal one that ensures women who truly need abortions can have them.

But if someone is using it as a birth control method or a publicity stunt that deeply disturbs me. And to me shows a lack of respect for human life.

I am 10000% pro-choice.
But I'm not for what you're suggesting, at all.
"Irresponsible" might not be the word I'd choose. But I would be extremely worried about the mental health and/or moral issues of such a person.
Posted by mydriasis on September 23, 2011 at 6:48 AM · Report this
256
@254: Sure, there's always a risk of infection. But abortion is a very safe procedure, and there are risks with other birth control as well. The pill can have side effects. Condoms can cause allergic reactions. IUDs can cause infections or pain. As far as I know, abortion is not significantly riskier or more irresponsible than other forms of birth control. Unlike smoking, which has huge negative health effects.

I'd agree that an abortion would probably cause more pain and be more of a hassle to go through, and that most women would probably prefer prevention. I just don't think an abortion is "irresponsible": what if someone wants one for some other reason (maybe a political one, or to have the experience and write about it?) Or what if someone for some reason really doesn't like or has negative reactions to all other forms of birth control?
Posted by BlackRose on September 23, 2011 at 4:27 AM · Report this
255
@253 and @254: That all makes perfect sense to me.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 22, 2011 at 12:50 PM · Report this
254
@ 253, yes, it would be her choice technically to use it as a birth control method. However, while there are complications that can result from any form of birth control, abortion has more physical risks than other forms. Not only do some abortions result in a live birth because they weren't performed correctly (so it would make sense in my mind to try to prevent the pregnancy in the first place), but every abortion is a medical procedure. Medical procedures can result in infections and inevitably cause some, albeit minute (hopefully) damage. The more abortions, the more chances for infection and the more possibility of damage.

The women I've known who have had abortions have had to deal with some pain, or at least discomfort for several days afterward. And many have guilt. While that may not be the case for everyone who has an abortion, it does hold true for a lot of people. Even if it's not immediate, many do feel bad about it later.

I do fully support the right to abortion. Whether you believe a fetus is a human or not, it is still "alive". Even if you consider it to be alive in the same way some do as parasites. It is alive as a separate entity from the person it is inside. Again,I suppose, in theory because I support the right to choice, it's up to the person, but I think prevention is the more responsible choice over removal, especially considering the added risks involved in removal.

I'll admit that some of this may be biased since I don't see myself as capable of having an abortion myself, even in more extreme circumstances. But as I've not been in those extreme circumstances, I can't say that with 100% certainty.

I'll always support a woman's right to abortion, but I will consider someone who uses that as their only form of birth control irresponsible because of the risks they are taking on themselves. Just like, I imagine, many people consider me irresponsible for becoming a smoker at 15. And I'd have to agree with those people. Smoking is a risk to my health that is unnecessary. Abortion is a risk to health that could have been unnecessary if precautions were taken. Yes, those precautions are not 100% effective. But even 50% would be better than 0.
More...
Posted by KateRose on September 22, 2011 at 7:24 AM · Report this
253
@246: Why would that be ridiculous? Abortion is a type of birth control, after all -- it controls births -- although it's not a contraceptive. Why shouldn't people be able to choose abortion over other methods if that's what they want? It's a perfectly "proper" use of birth control, though I certainly support providing information about other methods as well.
Posted by BlackRose on September 22, 2011 at 3:11 AM · Report this
252
RRRRRRGHHH!

Like Erica P, I'm sorry about the double post!
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 21, 2011 at 1:41 PM · Report this
251
@249: No sweat. Thanks for the clarification.

Reckless has been stumbling out since his mouth flew open and a foot got stuck.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 21, 2011 at 1:39 PM · Report this
250
@249: No sweat. Thanks for the clarification.

I'm still not 100% in agreement with reckless, however.
Erica P and Black Rose best corroborated my viewpoints.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 21, 2011 at 1:29 PM · Report this
249
@248 I do think we basically agree. What I was saying was that after rereading 236, I believe reckless basically holds a similar opinion (not entirely) but had a hard time spelling it out.
Posted by KateRose on September 21, 2011 at 1:15 PM · Report this
248
@246 & @247 KateRose: I missed something in the translation. Are you responding to me or @236? It sounds like you and I basically agree about abortion.

Posted by auntie grizelda on September 21, 2011 at 12:23 PM · Report this
247
Sorry, meant @ 244, posting to 236... oops
Posted by KateRose on September 21, 2011 at 9:56 AM · Report this
246
@236 I may have misinterpreted Reckless's post, but I didn't read it as stating you were advocating abortion as a birth control method, just that it is just as important, if not more for a woman to be aware of possible birth control options since she is the one who would get pregnant.
It's definitely not fair to say that only people who make smart decisions about birth control should have access to abortions, but at the same time, it seems ridiculous that someone could, in theory, choose to never use any preventative method, and just have an abortion any time they came up pregnant. Sure it's an option, and there are people who do it, but why would anyone want to. I am all about a woman's right to choose. While I don't know that I could personally have an abortion, I've never been in an awful position where it seemed to be my only option, so I'd like to know it is one. But I think it would be great if people who went for abortions, instead of (in some places) being forced to see things that make them feel guilty, be taught proper use of birth control for the future.
Posted by KateRose on September 21, 2011 at 8:29 AM · Report this
245
@239 Black Rose and @242 Erica P: Thank you and right on!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 20, 2011 at 11:13 PM · Report this
244
@236: No, recklesstroll, the cattle prod honor goes to you. Congratulations, and wear it well. All the best when you start soloing at The Met in the leading soprano role.

And one more thing---I never recommended use of repeated abortions as a birth control method. You did. So much for the validity of your safety net argument. So who's the fool? You are.

Posted by auntie grizelda on September 20, 2011 at 11:06 PM · Report this
243
And you jumped on me for the same little mistake. Aren't you glad I'm not vengeful?

Posted by Hunter78 on September 20, 2011 at 7:01 PM · Report this
242
(apologies for the double post)
Posted by EricaP on September 20, 2011 at 6:22 PM · Report this
241
@239, yes, but -- if you were the person who had that happen to you once, would you stick with your method of birth control? Anyone sane & sensible would think, hey, maybe I'm exceptionally fertile, or my partner is, since we were trying hard not to get pregnant but it still happened.

So a sane & sensible person would take extra precautions -- the pill plus condom plus morning-after pill any time the condom broke. I think your partner's odds of getting pregnant under that regimen would go down significantly.

Posted by EricaP on September 20, 2011 at 6:16 PM · Report this
240
@239, yes, but -- if you were the person who had that happen to you once, would you stick with your method of birth control? Anyone sane & sensible would think, hey, maybe I'm exceptionally fertile, or my partner is, since we were trying hard not to get pregnant but it still happened.

So a sane & sensible person would take extra precautions -- the pill plus condom plus morning-after pill any time the condom broke. I think your partner's odds of getting pregnant under that regimen would go down significantly.

Posted by EricaP on September 20, 2011 at 5:11 PM · Report this
239
Oh god, now this "reckless" person is just trolling. It is well established that the risk of STDs is not 50/50 in hetero intercourse.

@238: Not that I think reckless is in this category, but it is possible (though unlikely) for a careful, intelligent, responsible person to use birth control correctly and still get pregnant twice. If 10,000 couples use a method of birth control perfectly, and it has a 99% per year effective rate with perfect use, in two years, one couple on the average will have gotten pregnant twice. With 100 million couples or so in the US, this should happen to 10,000 of them on the average, even with perfect use.
Posted by BlackRose on September 20, 2011 at 4:40 PM · Report this
238
@236 "I have two of my own (BOTH while using b/c)."

If that happened to you twice, then you aren't using birth control correctly. And if access to abortion were based on proper contraception use, you'd go to the back of the line. But you're the only one proposing that scheme...
Posted by EricaP on September 20, 2011 at 3:49 PM · Report this
237
My Dry,

Who's the hater?
Posted by Hunter78 on September 20, 2011 at 3:43 PM · Report this
236
To Auntie (aka 235)
Yes, she is the woman, and as the WOMAN she has an important role to play... called not letting her body be impregnated if that isn't what she really wants. Granted, shit happens. Condoms break, birth control is never 100%, etc... however, if she wants to romp, or let him "tip her"... she's basically just rolling the dice, and accepting abortion as a standard means of birth control.
So, clueless. No more than you. I know how it happens, in fact, I have two of my own (BOTH while using b/c). Had the option of abortion, no thanks. But, since we at least tried to prevent BEFORE conception... we have more of a right than most to terminate. Still didn't use it.
Sorry to kick the soap box out from under you, but yes, the man has many RIGHTS which are trampled by the woman who forces her rights above all else.
Oh, and as much as I enjoy reading Dan's columns, you're an absolute fool if you read this book and pulled "the woman assumes the majority of the risk (specifically on STDs). If the man got the STDs... it most likely wasn't from another man. Risk of STDs are perfectly 50/50.
But I digress, my apologies. Point here really isn't about the rights of abortion/child support. The woman "assuming the majority of the risk" should be far more responsible than playing the "How'd that happen", knowing her body as you said and take PREVENTATIVE measures... not using abortion as a "just because". Be proactive, not reactive. That's just ridiculous.

Turn the cattle prod on yourself, thank you.
Posted by recklessliving on September 20, 2011 at 3:13 PM · Report this
235
@233: Ummmmm, yes, but it's still the WOMAN, not the man being penetrated here. Like Dan Savage has long said in his book, Savage Love, as long as intercourse between heterosexuals---one man and one woman---is a given, the woman assumes the majority of the risk: unwanted pregnancy, STDs, etc. Whereas, SURPRISE!! the man can shoot and walk away. The woman, if pregnant, is left with a kid.
Guys should KNOW this before going in, even "just a little"!

So BEFORE you launch into a Ridiculous-Right diatribe about a man's "rights" being violated if a woman seeks an abortion but he "suddenly wants to keep the kid", I have a suggestion for you and all other clueless "How'd That Happen?!?" doofuses who keep playing dumb about the inside of a woman's body, mainly because you don't know, don't care, and because it doesn't physically, hormonally, or emotionally effect you:
Get yourselves knocked up and we'll talk.

Hmmm. Maybe you need a cattle prod in the bodoobies.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 20, 2011 at 1:56 PM · Report this
234
@233: I don't think you can call yourself pro-choice. Abortion is meant for anyone who is pregnant and doesn't want to be.

@142: As far as I know there has never been sperm found in a precum sample. Let me know if you have a source stating otherwise. It's basically impossible for your cousin to have gotten pregnant from dry humping. It's much more likely that she did have sex, but didn't feel comfortable telling someone, or that she had sex but doesn't remember it, or that she blacked out and was raped.

@145: That's a great approach to child support and it makes perfect sense! Wish we could have some sane laws in the US.
Posted by BlackRose on September 20, 2011 at 1:49 PM · Report this
233
@Nellygirl. Oddly enough, Atlas has a very good very solid point. If the woman holds all the rights to make the choice on having an abortion (aka to hell if the guy wants to have the child) then perhaps the guy should have the right to opt out of child support (aka I ASKED you to have the abortion...)
Sure, I realize I'm going to get hell for this, because after all the GUY should have worn the condom, right? What about the girl? This girl is saying her choice about pregnancy isn't prevention, it's AFTER the fact. While I AM pro-choice, what she's saying is straight out sick. Call it premeditated murder. It's about the only time I'll hop on that side of the fence. Abortion is meant for "oh $hit, that shouldn't have happened" scenarios, or, if the child has some serious problems... not because, well, I kept letting him dicktease me, KNOWING I'd get pregnant. Show some responsibility. Either make him cover up, take the pill, take the shot, wear a diaphragm... I don't care, do SOMETHING! But allowing it to happen, and using abortion as a safety net, for that... it's just f'ing wrong.
Posted by recklessliving on September 20, 2011 at 12:22 PM · Report this
232
@2 I understand what you're saying, and it makes sense if you look at the situation kind of myopically, but the reason that courts don't usually allow men to not pay child support because they didn't want the child to be born is because there's a child involved. While it may not be fair to the parents, it's perhaps less fair to have a kid grow up without getting the financial support that he needs. Maybe the mom's despicable for having a kid the dad didn't want, but that's not really her child's fault right?
Posted by wittyrepartee on September 20, 2011 at 11:28 AM · Report this
mydriasis 231
@Hunter

Do you know what hypocritical means?
Try again, moron.
Posted by mydriasis on September 19, 2011 at 8:41 PM · Report this
230
@229 - I'm not sure about IUDs for teenagers, but I've never had a child and my doctor had no issue with me getting one. And I'm pretty sure that if my uterus decided to spit it out, I would know. It's small, sure, but not THAT small. You sure as hell feel it going in...
Posted by sanguisuga on September 19, 2011 at 4:40 PM · Report this
229
@228

Isn't the IUD not recommended for teens? It's a great birth control option, but if a girl gets an STI when she has an IUD, she has a higher risk of getting PID--and teenage girls, since they are just starting out in their sex lives, are likely to have several partners in the 5 or 10 years that their IUD stays in. Also, women who haven't been pregnant before are likelier to have their bodies expel the IUD, and it's my impression that this can happen without the woman noticing, hence the need for routinely checking for that goddamn string. My info on this subject might be outdated, of course.

With respect to your #4, that's not weird at all; it's a great suggestion. I would only add that she should seek out gay porn sites--you can see some pretty pathetic blowjobs in straight porn.
Posted by chicago girl on September 19, 2011 at 2:54 PM · Report this
228
To NCWTD - from a moms perspective.

I just has been talking to my daughter about some of the things NCWTD is worried about.
About pregnancy worries my suggestion was:
1. "Just say No to unprotected sex. Take your boyfriend condom shopping. Choose fun condoms to try. Use different brand each time. Buy them with your own money... whatever. But don't allow entering your vagina without protection. By the way, there is no need to get into arguments. Be nice but firm! Figuring out birth control is sooooo much easier than getting an abortion or having a child! Trust me - I done both.
2. Depending on the insurance situation of your parents, they might get you birth control. The best kind currently is the IUD. It's a little more expensive than the pill, but is more dependable and is cheaper in the long run. This is what I am planning to get my daughter.
3. Don't worry if your mom will get upset that you are having sex. She will be mad at first sure, but will get over it, I promise you. She will have to face the facts and figure out that helping you now will make sense, considering the consequences of NOT helping out. In fact, your mom might be pleased that you asked her for advice, and flattered that you thought she would understand. That is exactly how I felt.
4. Regarding blow job - maybe it seems weird but try looking at a few porn sites to learn to do a blow job. That would be a great investment in your relationship. (LOL I didn't make this suggestion to my daughter, but maybe I should!)

All the best to you!!! By the way, thanks for sharing your worries! I hope that you would get good suggestions from this discussion!


Posted by Naina on September 19, 2011 at 12:19 PM · Report this
227
@225 Hunter78,

I have been in a monogamous relationship most of my life, (over half) but I still had other partners before my wife. I plead guilty to serial monogamy.

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on September 19, 2011 at 12:19 PM · Report this
geoz 226
@Atlas #7.... you can't generalize about child support. Some pay a lot, some pay a little.
Posted by geoz on September 19, 2011 at 10:45 AM · Report this
225
Gross misrepresentation. As I clearly said in msg 161, you're trying to have it both ways-- you're monogamous and you're claiming great reviews as a cock-sucker.

I singled you out for hypocrisy.
Posted by Hunter78 on September 19, 2011 at 9:33 AM · Report this
mydriasis 224
@218

It didn't look like bragging!
I was just pointing out to him that he was singling me out for the reason of not liking me when I was hardly the only person claiming a little talent in that department.

Sorry if I wasn't clear. Nothing wrong with admitting when you're good at something.

Fingers aren't soft enough for your taste?
Soft is good? Women who like oral sex baffle me... haha.
Posted by mydriasis on September 18, 2011 at 5:29 PM · Report this
223
To Karenforeplay, I don't think eating pussy is any easier than giving a blow job to a guy. Those tender lips are very fragile and a guy has to really master his mouth to truly give good oral to a woman. One false move with teeth, even beard stubble can wreck the whole experience. You have to move your mouth in unison with her body, grinding down with tongue, lips (maybe even teeth if she likes that) at just the right time and really get into synch with her body. Conversely, you need to know just exactly when a subtle, tender lips and tongue approach is more appropriate. If you feel and listen for just the right cues, you're rewarded with a wonderful experience an in-your-face orgasm, and you hang on, tasting, riding with it and experiencing it up close and personal. My ex wife spent 17 years teaching me the fine art of giving good head and I'm grateful for that.
Posted by ironvic on September 18, 2011 at 1:05 PM · Report this
222
The man does have a choice. I made mine at 23 and chose to get a vasectomy. The thought of abortion gags me and it is up to each man to decide what he's going to do with his body. I've been a happy fucker ever since.
Posted by ironvic on September 18, 2011 at 12:14 PM · Report this
221
Dan, that was very unlike you. you're not snarky, best i can recall. the "earlabia" comment implies that labia are unsightly. they're not to me. but i assume your real criticism would be that labia-looking body art is a fashion faux pas -- just too incongruous on a man's head. like, for example, if a woman modified her nose to look like a penis. your general policy has always been live and let live, though - so this is curiously out of character. the beauty of people's body art is deeply personal and in the eye of the beholder, like all other art. i hope, for your kid's sake, your not becoming stodgy in your old age. is your column transitioning into art criticism?
Posted by domino2 on September 18, 2011 at 11:28 AM · Report this
220
Dan, that was very unlike you. you're not snarky, best i can recall. the "earlabia" comment implies that labia are unsightly. they're not to me. but i assume your real criticism would be that labia-looking body art is a fashion faux pas -- just too incongruous on a man's head. like, for example, if a woman modified her nose to look like a penis. your general policy has always been live and let live, though - so this is curiously out of character. the beauty of people's body art is deeply personal and in the eye of the beholder, like all other art. i hope, for your kid's sake, your not becoming stodgy in your old age. is your column transitioning into art criticism?
Posted by domino2 on September 18, 2011 at 11:22 AM · Report this
219
@215,

"I suspect she only sucks his cock so she can guilt him into going down on her" worked for my first "real" girlfriend. Then we moved on to PIV sex (for that functionality) (just kidding).

For the record, I seriously doubt any guy just past his first sexual experience of using his penis in someone could be much good in inducing his partner's pleasure without additional means than PIV. I know I wasn't. Thanks again to my partners for teaching me how to do "it".

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on September 18, 2011 at 11:15 AM · Report this
sissoucat 218
Thanks for all who discussed the blowjob technique ! Educating onself on those matters is soo important - and I hope we'll soon have the pussy eating technique on another Savage Love !

@172 mydriasis : so sorry it looked like bragging. Writing it, it felt more like "at least there's this one thing I know how to do right". The subtility got lost on translation.

And I totally agree with your lips over teeth tip, there's no way otherwise to do away with one's teeth - unless very elderly. Besides, don't resent Hunter78, if someone worshipping his dick is what he does expect from sex, I doubt he's getting any, except from his hand. Otherwise he could go in detail on what he likes or doesn't, right ?

@138 Blackrose : I didn't mean that the foreskin kept covering the glans when fully erect, it does get folded around the ridge, so that it's tricky to visually differentiate between cut and uncut when the penis is not flaccid ; but it's still there, and it seems that playing with it does give very good sensations.

@112 Mthrfckr : hi ! Well I'll try to up the saliva and see what happens. I totally dig the non-thrusting part, sometimes my partner moves a bit to induce a different rythm, but I love being in charge of what happens to his tasty bits.

@110 Learned Hand : thanks for the info on what your cut penis requires ! What you describe does sound more physically taxing than what I practice - especially accomodating the thrusting. By the way, my partner likes me to ease the pressure during orgasm, and to maintain speed on the movements - he says pressure hurts him at that moment, unlike right before it ; while you insist on it. As always, EricaP is right about varying tastes !

As for pussy with a moistened finger, I'm not sold out on that. Even when licked, fingers are too salty so they tend to burn by contact, and they're not soft enough for my taste.

Take care, y'all !
More...
Posted by sissoucat on September 18, 2011 at 9:44 AM · Report this
mydriasis 217
@cocky

That quote was definitely kind of assholey, I agree.

But the idea of using oral sex to get things you want is definitely not unknown to teenage girls, I assure you.

Do I personally view teenage girls and teenage boys differently? Yes. Do I believe that similar behaviour is likely to have different motivations? Yes. Am I a sexist jerk? Maybe.
Posted by mydriasis on September 18, 2011 at 9:19 AM · Report this
216
"On some deep level, he's set their relationship up as a business one or turning her into a prostitute."

I suspect NCWTD's boyfriend's thinking on the subject isn't anywhere near so mercantile as that. I suspect that he, being 16, horny, and clueless about respectful sex, simply wants as much action as he can push for. The same motivation explains both the probing and the demands for blowjobs.

He isn't giving her oral sex as a bargaining chip to get oral, he's doing it because she lets him. I seriously doubt that he is going to fold his arms and say "Fine, then no oral for you either," as that would mean reducing their sexual activities even farther. Asking for it in return is just another form of pushing boundaries.

Now, if you ask me, "I'm scared to because I'm scared he will be disappointed" sounds like a smokescreen. (Because between a bad blowjob and no blowjob, the latter is way more disappointing.) I suspect NCWTD actually is uncomfortable with their current level of activity (the operative word being "scared", which got used twice in one sentence) and that was an attempt to put him off for a while without setting a firm boundary. She needs to learn to communicate clearly and set boundaries. He needs to learn to be respectful of her boundaries, but she needs to communicate them truthfully and clearly. "I'm worried that I won't be any good" practically invites a counterargument along the lines of "Well, if you want to be good at it, then get practicing!" By contrast, "I don't want to because I don't want to" is not open to debate.
Posted by avast2006 on September 18, 2011 at 9:05 AM · Report this
215
214-- The original letter reads "We fight sometimes because he feels it's unfair that he goes down on me and I don't go down on him." That's where we're getting the idea that he's acting out of self interest and manipulation rather than joyful desire. Imagine if it had read "He feels it's unfair that he gives me expensive gifts that I don't really want or enjoy and I don't have sex with him." I wouldn't go so far as to say he planned it that way. I cut teenage boys a lot of slack because they're just learning too. But no wonder she feels conflicted. On some deep level, he's set their relationship up as a business one or turning her into a prostitute.

In the opposite situation, the "I suspect she only sucks his cock so she can guilt him into going down on her" one, the statement would not be ridiculous if he'd written Dan saying that he'd never asked for the blowjobs, saying nothing about whether he enjoyed them, and then saying his girlfriend was demanding something he had misgivings about in return.
Posted by Crinoline on September 18, 2011 at 5:45 AM · Report this
214
@202: "I suspect he only [goes down on her] so he can guilt her into reciprocating."

In the opposite situation, would you have said "I suspect she only sucks his cock so she can guilt him into going down on her." I think not. In fact, I'm 99% sure you would find such a statement ridiculous. So let's not have double standards, okay!

Posted by cockyballsup on September 18, 2011 at 12:59 AM · Report this
213
@211, I think one poster calling him a "judgmental, manipulative asshole" comes pretty close to "putting down or dehumanizing", as I put it. YMMV with regards to the semantics.

Posted by cockyballsup on September 18, 2011 at 12:55 AM · Report this
212
Here's a thought: instead of birth control, why not establish DICK control? If a guy pushes sex on a girl too hard, she can get a cattle prod and just zap him in the bodoobies!

It worked for Dustin Hoffman.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 17, 2011 at 10:31 PM · Report this
mydriasis 211
@cocky

I must have missed that. People were dehumanizing the LW's boyfriend?

But I will say that unless I'm misunderstanding you, you seem to be suggesting a post-sexism world much the way a lot of conservative people like to pretend that we're in a "post-racial" world.

We aren't. And while I think that (especially in the States where I'm assuming most of you are from) racism is a way bigger problem than sexism... experiences are still very different for teenage girls than they are for teenage boys to a degree that I think you're downplaying.

I don't believe in putting down or dehumanizing teenage boys... but I do believe in calling someone a jerk when they're being one.

Though crinolene may have missed the mark on what your teenage experience was like... she may have still hit a grain of truth in that... you weren't a teenage girl and didn't experience the struggles that came with that. You dealt with very different ones. Your entrance into un-virginhood was presumably a happy consentual one and etc
Posted by mydriasis on September 17, 2011 at 8:34 PM · Report this
210
@mydriasis, I never suggested saying "no" made you a Mean Girl. What makes some posters here a Mean Girl is their destructive approach to building up young women by putting down and dehumanizing the young men who date them.

@Crinolene, for your (sexist) record, as a gay man who (due to where I grew up) remained a virgin until the age of 23, what I remember wanting teenage girls to be like is limited to wishing they would leave me alone.
Posted by cockyballsup on September 17, 2011 at 7:57 PM · Report this
209
NCWTD, do either of you know your boyfriend's condom size? Maybe he needs to hear "Ask for 'regular.'"
Posted by Mike Leung on September 17, 2011 at 6:58 PM · Report this
208
The penis is at the threshold. She's asking about abortion. This train ain't stopping. There's no going back to the enchanted palace.

Posted by Hunter78 on September 17, 2011 at 12:52 PM · Report this
207
Darling child, if you "don't understand" what he's doing, then you're not old enough to be doing it. It's pretty clear, and there's one place it's going, which is full on sex!
Posted by GG1000 on September 17, 2011 at 12:37 PM · Report this
206
NCWTD-- I remember being a teenager. I remember what it was like not to have a car, not to be familiar with making an appointment with a doctor, not knowing how to go about getting to a clinic or setting up getting birth control. I don't know enough about your location or circumstance to help you through the particulars. I can tell you that if you think it's hard now getting birth control, it could be 100x harder dealing with the logistics of getting an abortion. So deal with this with the same sense of urgency you would bring to an abortion. If getting to a clinic several towns over means spending money, calling on a favor, even telling a lie, do what you must to to get the information and prescription you need. You'd do that for an abortion, right?

As for the conflicting advice about whether or not you're being pressured or hurried into penis-in-vagina sex (I think you are), whether you're being blackmailed into blowing him (I think you are), whether you should dump him (I'm not sure), naturally you're going to consider everything you read here. When you're thinking about it, consider the sex of the poster giving the advice. A grown straight woman who remembers what being a teenage girl was like, or a straight man who remembers what he wanted teenage girls to be like? Someone who's thinking about what seems to make logical sense, or someone who's considering all the conflicting feelings of the first time.

And read the article that Erica P. recommended. It's really good.
Posted by Crinoline on September 17, 2011 at 8:02 AM · Report this
205
Ncwtd,

So you're reading this...

Your no 1 priority is to get birth control. Before your next sex play. Bf is not opposing this.

He's eating you, you need to eat him. If you don't want to do this, you should try to discover why. Maybe you're gay or fetished?

This probing is just mini-fucking. You're ready to cross that hurdle and explore.

You don't need to dump him, and you don't need to stick with him for life.
Posted by Hunter78 on September 17, 2011 at 6:43 AM · Report this
mydriasis 204
@cocky

I'mma have to disagree with you.
Sorry.

But I remember highschool pretty well. It wasn't super long ago for me. And I do remember several people (of both genders) being somewhat pressured into things that weren't for them. Yeah, most of them were female. But I think the point that a lot of people are making is that instead of "erring on the side of blowjobs" as Dan said, we should "err on the side of not engaging in sex activities we are doubtful of our comfort level with".

Less catchy, though.

Even though I'm an incredibly sexist individual, I'd still have a similar response to a male LW who wrote in with a similar letter. Personally I was pretty promiscuous at that age but I have pretty much no regrets because I also had a very well established set of boundaries and I had no problem saying "no" even if it made me, as you say, a "Mean Girl".

I would encourage any 16 year old girl or boy to do the same.
Posted by mydriasis on September 17, 2011 at 6:34 AM · Report this
203
@202, whatever your gender, you are being a Mean Girl. It would be nice if one could install a sense of agency and self-esteem in young women that didn't base itself on putting down and dehumanizing the young men who date them. Likely consent was implicit, and one would do better to encourage her to own it, rather than perpetuating the passive female victim role, as you are doing.
Posted by cockyballsup on September 17, 2011 at 1:27 AM · Report this
202
Why is everybody encouraging the teenage girl to suck this judgmental, manipulative asshole's cock? It seems pretty clear from her description that she's uncomfortable setting boundaries with her boyfriend--she describes the "probing" as something he just does without her desire or explicit consent. The fact that he goes down on her doesn't change anything--I suspect he only does it so he can guilt her into reciprocating. Sure, for him a bad blowjob would be more pleasurable than no blowjob, but it's not him we should be worried about.
Posted by anonymous commenter on September 16, 2011 at 10:54 PM · Report this
mydriasis 201
@195

Yes! Agreed.
There are three kinds of guys my age with beards.

1. I'm so excited I can grow facial hair!
2. I'm too lazy to shave.
3. I'm a hipster douchebag.

None of these are sexually appealing.
Posted by mydriasis on September 16, 2011 at 10:27 PM · Report this
200
@166 suddenlyorcas: Spot on for the win!!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 16, 2011 at 7:50 PM · Report this
199
unwanted pregnancy is not fun for anyone. My boyfriend accidentally got me pregnant and now 3 months later, he suddenly left me. I dont know how I'll raise this baby alone. I can barely breathe right now.
Posted by asdfg on September 16, 2011 at 5:59 PM · Report this
198
At least facial hair is not irreversible - when they realize they aren't getting any action with it, or are only unemployable as a barista, they'll wise up sooner or later. With earlabia, the damage is permanent.
Posted by cockyballsup on September 16, 2011 at 3:38 PM · Report this
197
Dan, your advice to NCWTD was perfect, couldn't have said it better!

On a side note, wonderful job this last Wednesday speaking!!! Loved your lecture/stories!
Posted by redelephants http://pikles4life.tumblr.com/ on September 16, 2011 at 3:38 PM · Report this
196
A doctor is ethically and legally bound not to inform your parents of any discussions on this issue, even if it's their doctor also. For your own peace of mind, you can ask him about how confidentiality works before discussing the issue with him. Just one thing to remember, though - if you are on your parents' insurance, their insurance bills will list everything the insurance paid for, including any doctor's visits you may have gone to without their knowledge, any blood tests you may have run, and any medication purchases you may have made on the insurance. So if you really don't want your parents to know, you should definitely discuss this with your doctor or his staff as well - they may have to do some things off insurance, which may be more expensive for you.
Posted by cockyballsup on September 16, 2011 at 3:34 PM · Report this
195
thank you dan for doing your part to curtail the horror that is gauged ears and the resultant earlabia. would you consider adding a blurb next week about the young male obsession with unkempt facial hair. i love bone structure and there's nothing worse than a gorgeous squared jawline obscured by a massive face bush!! gentleman, i beg of you! just because you can grow santa's beard on your pretty little face doesn't mean you SHOULD!
Posted by eatin_meat on September 16, 2011 at 3:34 PM · Report this
194
Everything I wanted to know.
Posted by Hunter78 on September 16, 2011 at 2:33 PM · Report this
193
This site has a pretty good description of the Fertility Awareness Method:
http://www.fwhc.org/birth-control/fam.ht…
Posted by EricaP on September 16, 2011 at 1:17 PM · Report this
192
NCWTD @185 - thanks for writing more! Glad to hear he's usually a nice guy. And it's not unusual for a teenage boy to have trouble remembering not to pressure you into more sex -- he's getting a lot of pressure himself from the hormones in his system.

I'm sorry to hear there's no planned parenthood in your town. But there are other ways to get more reliable birth control (condoms are great, but you should combine condoms with another form of birth control to avoid any accidents). Can you talk to your mom about birth control? Remember, she was once 16 herself, and she doesn't want you to get pregnant either. Or is that unrealistic given your relationship? How about your doctor? Can you get to the doctor by yourself, and trust the doctor to keep your conversation private?

If there's no way for you to get hormonal birth control, you can learn to track your own fertility, NOT by counting days since your period, but by tracking your temperature every day with an ultra precise thermometer, and combining that with examining your cervical mucus to see if it's stretchy, slippery and wet-feeling, like egg white.
http://www.yourcervicalmucus.com/2010/08…
You can make condoms a lot more effective if you also only have sex when you're pretty sure you are not fertile. (The other days you can stick with oral and mutual masturbation :-)

I also do hope you'll read the article at
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/a…
Posted by EricaP on September 16, 2011 at 1:11 PM · Report this
191
NCWTD @185 - He sounds a lot like a lot of guys at 16! Some of the suggestions about only one person with pants off at a time are great, as well as just talking to him about how what he is doing is making you uncomfortable.

Since it sounds like he is getting awfully, ahem, excited when you guys fool around, you will have to be the one to put the brakes on when he is going to far or too fast. It sucks, but like a lot of people have already mentioned, you will bear a disproportionate part of the burden if you get pregnant. (Heck, I'm pregnant and I want to be, but its not what I would call fun....) Buy some condoms, if he wants to get his penis near your vagina, he needs to be wrapped up. THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE GETS TO PUT IT IN! Sex is a ton of fun, but you need to be ready, and from what I am reading, you aren't yet.

If he doesn't respect your "no" or "not yet," you need to stop playing around with him until he does. Be smart! Be safe! Have a ton of fun :-)
Posted by ariane on September 16, 2011 at 12:49 PM · Report this
190
Clearly, disgusting is in the eye of the beholder.

It would be nice if people knew to say "That disgusts me," rather than "That is disgusting." Subtle difference, but it tends to preempt the whole argument about "Well, for _some_ people it's perfectly fine, so you shouldn't say that."
Posted by avast2006 on September 16, 2011 at 12:47 PM · Report this
189
NCWTD: If his penis was in your vagina--even just the tip--you are no longer a virgin. There, the pressure's off. Now dispense with that silly voodoo word and get your thinking cap on. The best time to talk about sex is when you're not having it. You want your brain making the policy decisions, not your hormones. The two of you need to set sensible boundaries and stick to them. The b/f needs to realize that his sex life is directly tied to his compliance with your stated sex policy.
Posted by repete on September 16, 2011 at 12:43 PM · Report this
188
There are two red flags, NCWTD, and in the absence of information otherwise, you might want to think very carefully about how you proceed with this guy.

If he's probing you without your consent, he could go balls deep without your consent, in fact, it's very likely to happen. If you want when you lose your virginity to be a decision -he- makes for you, then by all means, continue to let him probe you until he gets "carried away in the moment" and starts thrusting.

Now, about the pregnancy/choice thing, combined with him putting his un-covered dick inside your vagina. He is going to get you pregnant, and he's going to give you hell if you try to do anything about it. There are guys out there who use pregnancy as a means of controlling and emotionally abusing their girlfriends. He might not be this guy, but make sure you're not lining up for this shot. Go to Planned Parenthood and get on birth control that you don't have to rely on him for, and don't tell him you're on it and make him wear a condom! It might be that your love is for the ages, and if so, mazel tov, but in the likely chance that it isn't, you might find out that he's more a player than you believe he is now, and you need to make sure you're safe.

Reading between the lines of your letter, you sounds like maybe you're not comfortable with the level of sexuality you're currently in, which is OK! You're only 16! There's plenty of time to get this shit together and do what you like when you're comfortable! I might suggest you keep your clothes on with this guy, or observe a strict "only one person has their underwear off at a time" policy until you feel a little more comfortable and you can trust this guy not to probe you. In the meantime, if you haven't acquainted yourself with the online feminist comminity (scarlateen, feministing, feministe, pandagon, etc), check us out. You -can- feel comfortable and in charge of your sexual experiences and there's nothing wrong with that!
More...
Posted by unregistered_user_number_115 on September 16, 2011 at 11:58 AM · Report this
187
Dan always tosses out these little perfect gem-like Sexual Truisms. This week's? "It's always better to err on the side of blowjobs." Embroider that one a throw pillow, I say.

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
Posted by inbed http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com on September 16, 2011 at 11:36 AM · Report this
mydriasis 186
"you guys saying that women are really that weak-minded that they are incapable of being held responsible for their mistakes"

Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!
Posted by mydriasis on September 16, 2011 at 11:12 AM · Report this
185
Oops, I posted that comment twice. Anyhow, I do enjoy every minute with him. He is a very good, caring, generous boyfriend. He just doesn't know how to treat a fucking girl sometimes, his selfishness takes over and blinds him from seeing that his advances come off as pressuring.
I have looked into planned parenthood time after time, there is none in my town, or the ones surrounding mine...
The closest one is an hour away and I have no way of getting there.
I am not on birth control, but I do have condoms.
As for peer pressure, I'm homeschooled.
Posted by NCWTD on September 16, 2011 at 10:36 AM · Report this
184
@177: "But at the end of the day, it's IMPOSSIBLE to give the man any power in this decision without taking all power from the woman"

That simply isn't true.

If, during the early stages of the pregnancy, the man were to say "I am not ready for this/cannot afford this/do not want this" for whatever reason, and he was allowed at that point to surrender his interests, the woman would be able to make her own decision: do I carry to term, knowing that not only could I have exercised my right to opt out, but that the man already has exercised his right to do so? She has retained every single one of her OWN options. The only option she has lost is the one where she makes HIM pay for HER decision to continue the pregnancy.

I'm not claiming that the man opting out of fatherhood does not represent a pressure on her decision-making process. (But it is only one pressure out of many on her decision. Money plays just as big a part when dad stays around but is unemployed, or poor.) But to say that giving him that option takes away ALL of her options is simply incorrect.

"Child support, BTW, is based on the idea that it's the CHILD's right to be supported by both parents, not anything to do with a woman's rights.

Child support is for when there is an actual child to support. I am talking about decisions that get made before that child exists. (I trust you not an advocate of personhood-at-conception.)

"So the folks who go around saying, "Oh, the poor menzes!" just haven't really thought this through.

Heh. Thanks for proving my original point.

Posted by avast2006 on September 16, 2011 at 10:34 AM · Report this
183
In all fairness, I really don't think NCWTD's boyfriend is a dick and I find all the "dump him" advice to be strange (never mind unfeeling, lacking in empathy, and assholey). People are not garbage to be thrown away for small mistakes, but thank you for showing your true colors. I don't think he is wrong to be disappointed that she doesn't reciprocate oral sex, for whatever reason (worrying that he'd be disappointed sounds like a made-up excuse that I wouldn't blame him for not accepting). As for the probing, whatever they did, they both did, and if it was a mistake, they both should take responsibility for it. (Or are you guys saying that women are really that weak-minded that they are incapable of being held responsible for their mistakes?)
Posted by cockyballsup on September 16, 2011 at 10:33 AM · Report this
182
Hi NCWTD! Care to share more? As other people have noted, your letter left out a lot about whether you are enjoying yourself or just putting up with what your boyfriend wants you to do.
Posted by EricaP on September 16, 2011 at 10:19 AM · Report this
181
Thank you Dan, I really appreciate your advice. And I will for sure take what you said into consideration. :)
Posted by NCWTD on September 16, 2011 at 10:09 AM · Report this
180
Thank you Dan... I appreciate your advice and I am for sure going to take what you say into consideration. :)
Posted by NCWTD on September 16, 2011 at 10:07 AM · Report this
179
I say this with the utmost compassion NCWTD: your boyfriend's a dick.
I know it's hard to see, especially in your first relationship, but even if you aren't going to break up with him you need to start laying down the law a bit more and be firm with him.
Posted by niko4ever on September 16, 2011 at 7:31 AM · Report this
178
Ms Driasis - Has Mr DARE set a new gold standard, then? From what little I was able to see of the threads he inspired, I'm not too surprised.
Posted by vennominon on September 16, 2011 at 5:15 AM · Report this
177
@63 -
Actually, it's like this:

When it comes to matters of pregnancy, a man gets one vote, because it's his sperm. A woman gets one vote, because it's her egg. A woman gets a second vote because it's her uterus. Two votes trump one.

Basic ethics applied to a situation that, I'm sorry, cannot be perfectly fair. If the man could opt to carry the child if the woman doesn't want to, there'd be no problem. If we didn't live in a capitalist society and/or children could count on being supported by their community, rather than parents, there'd be no problem. But at the end of the day, it's IMPOSSIBLE to give the man any power in this decision without taking all power from the woman, and that's just obviously lopsided.

So the folks who go around saying, "Oh, the poor menzes!" just haven't really thought this through.

Child support, BTW, is based on the idea that it's the CHILD's right to be supported by both parents, not anything to do with a woman's rights.
Posted by laurelgardner http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5877570 on September 16, 2011 at 3:51 AM · Report this
176
Cattycat,

"My cousin, a virgin at 17, got pregnant, and... THEY BOTH KEPT THEIR UNDERWEAR ON!"

You may believe your cousin. I don't.
Posted by Hunter78 on September 16, 2011 at 2:38 AM · Report this
175
@avast: a disavowed father can contest to establish paternity and, when that is established, can sue for and win partial or full custody and/or child support. The child support is not a tax on men; it is based on the percentage of time the kids live with a parent plus the percentage of total parental income each earns; if the man earns less than the woman but does close to half or more of the childcare, he will be awarded support. I have seen it happen.
Posted by verdadero on September 15, 2011 at 9:39 PM · Report this
174
Sucking cock is physically trickier and more taxing than eating pussy.

Love your column, Dan, but WTF on that line? Yes, I guess it is physically trickier-but as a straight woman who fooled around in the distant past, eating pussy was boring and frustrating. No offense,Dan-just seems odd to have a gay man extolling pussy eating over giving head.
Now, on the issue of equal pay, yes-her BF definitely deserves fair play-her smokescreen of worry about giving poor head doesn't ring true. Almost any straight guy would be delighted to help a teenaged girl practice/improve oral screen.
Posted by karenforeplay on September 15, 2011 at 6:12 PM · Report this
173
Well, I'd like to hear about Dan's comparative experiences in giving oral sex to men v. women. If he has no experience with women, he has no business blithely saying which is easier. In MY experience as a woman, I have only had one (small) orgasm with oral in my whole life. I feel it is the lack of skill of the men I have been with. I am very sensitive-in good and bad ways- and all I have ever felt is TEETH. None of the men I have been with have been worth a damn in this department. It can't be that trivial. Oh well.
Posted by whiteorchid1 on September 15, 2011 at 6:06 PM · Report this
mydriasis 172
Oh hunter, that's silly.

First things first, "I get good reviews" isn't exactly what I would call... let's say "DARE" level bragging. I was just sayin'. Certainly not as much as "I'm pretty good on blowjobs" from 97 (no disrespect!)

Second of all, being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that's the only person I've ever been with in my whole life.

Third of all, I'm not going to argue with you as to the existence of my talents. My comment was not for your benefit, it was more for people who have trouble with the teeth thing.
Posted by mydriasis on September 15, 2011 at 5:31 PM · Report this
171
@Nellygirl You're making the assumption that NCWTD had no say in whether she wanted that cock inside her with a condom or otherwise. The boyfriend chose not to wear the condom; the girlfriend chose to let him probe her. The focus is on the decisions after the sex has been had and the pregnancy. If NCWTD's choice happened to be that she wanted to keep the child against her boyfriend's wishes, she has unilaterally decided to have the child. He, at this point, has no say whatsoever. He HAS to pay child support because of her decision. They both decided to fuck, but why is she the only one to decide whether she's going to bring the baby to term?

So what I proposed was that if NCWTD made the choice to have the child, then the boyfriend, if he so pleases, should be able to choose whether or not to pay child support. He should be able to have a say.
Posted by atlas on September 15, 2011 at 5:06 PM · Report this
170
Also, I'd like to direct NCWTD to the morning after pill! It's over the counter, costs $30 in Canada. If you're worried or if he comes on you while 'probing' , take it. You don't have to get pregnant even if he decides to be an asshole and force you into sex (dump the dude in that case)
Posted by modified on September 15, 2011 at 4:30 PM · Report this
169
As a long-time reader who happens to be heavily tattooed & pierced (and, yes, I have stretched ears too, suck it) I took offense to your seemingly out of nowhere attack on modified people.

It seems hypocritical to say what others can and cannot do with their bodies in terms of looks, but to have an 'anything respectful goes' attitude towards sex. A tattoo is not very different from a boob job, rhinoplasty, or getting your hair done. Ears can be reconstructed and piercings taken out. Tattoos can be removed. Hair grows out and can be cut, and nails repainted. It's the same thing - expression. Implementing a line for people not to go is bigoted. Everyone has control over their bodies, and we should all respect the aesthetic choices of others. Most of us modded folks get modded for OURSELVES - not for you. Not for your approval. Not for anyone's approval - just ours. What a concept!

On a similar note, tattoos and piercings are fetishes for a lot of folks, which is why you see a lot of tattooed/pierced couples with tons of mods, or, in my case, one partner with lots of mods and the other who looks like the squarest (but cute) accountant you've ever seen. You may not be into it, but other consenting adults can be and are. Deal with it!
Posted by modified on September 15, 2011 at 4:23 PM · Report this
168
As a long-time reader who happens to be heavily tattooed & pierced (and, yes, I have stretched ears too, suck it) I took offense to your seemingly out of nowhere attack on modified people.

It seems hypocritical to say what others can and cannot do with their bodies in terms of looks, but to have an 'anything respectful goes' attitude towards sex. A tattoo is not very different from a boob job, rhinoplasty, or getting your hair done. Ears can be reconstructed and piercings taken out. Tattoos can be removed. Hair grows out and can be cut, and nails repainted. It's the same thing - expression. Implementing a line for people not to go is bigoted. Everyone has control over their bodies, and we should all respect the aesthetic choices of others. Most of us modded folks get modded for OURSELVES - not for you. Not for your approval. Not for anyone's approval - just ours. What a concept!

On a similar note, tattoos and piercings are fetishes for a lot of folks, which is why you see a lot of tattooed/pierced couples with tons of mods, or, in my case, one partner with lots of mods and the other who looks like the squarest (but cute) accountant you've ever seen.

Posted by modified on September 15, 2011 at 4:20 PM · Report this
167
All this lips over teeth business:

A good cock-sucker practices variety. She loves the cock. She worships it in many ways.

Posted by Hunter78 on September 15, 2011 at 4:06 PM · Report this
166
If he disagrees with you on abortion, you need to stop having sexual relations with him. DTMFA and find somebody more considerate of your feelings to explore sex with.
Posted by suddenlyorcas on September 15, 2011 at 3:51 PM · Report this
165
(My God, 164 comments ALREADY?! Where have I been?)

Situation #1:

Dan, I nominate you for GOD of Sex Advice.

Please accept.
Posted by 2embarassed2byTP on September 15, 2011 at 3:37 PM · Report this
164
Earlabia are just gross, but I guess if someone really wants to make themselves repulsive to 99% of their possible dating pool, who am I to stop them?
Posted by cockyballsup on September 15, 2011 at 2:58 PM · Report this
163
Regarding the foot fetishist, I think a foot massage in the living room in front of parents (or most friends for that matter) is inappropriate EVEN IF HE WASN'T a foot fetishist. When friends of mine start stroking or massaging each other in front of me, it makes me very uncomfortable. It's just bad manners.
Posted by cockyballsup on September 15, 2011 at 2:54 PM · Report this
162
@157: "I mean that her boyfriend ought to be so thrilled that she's doing anything sexual with him that he's willing to make all the first moves. If he eats her, it ought to be because he adores her, wants her to feel pleasure, and just plain wants to. If she's so happy that she wants to blow him in return, that's an extra bonus that should happen when and if she wants."

Yes, I think this will get you in trouble, and rightly so. Why should all the responsibility (and blame) be on the boyfriend, who is probably just as inexperienced? What makes the girl better than the boy, in your view? Why should the woman have all these special privileges over the man?

There is an unfortunate lack of symmetry here. If someone were to tell a woman to put up with all the crap they expect men to put with in the bedroom, there would be outrage.
Posted by cockyballsup on September 15, 2011 at 2:50 PM · Report this
161
My Dryasis,

Haven't you previously trumpeted your monogamy? Now you want to brag about your blow-job reviews? From whom?

Posted by Hunter78 on September 15, 2011 at 2:41 PM · Report this
160
All the advice was good,except for the foot fetishist; totally innapropriate behavior for "first time meeting" with the parents. Gross.
As for the hipster ears, well not only is it ugly, but rather permanent (without surgery) as also with the tattoos. Obviously, ten years from now, they won't be so cool (remember eyebrow rings, tribal armbands, and trampstamps?) so a little foresight from an older guy to the younger is nice.
As an older tattooed guy myself breathing sighs of relief at never having my hands and neck done, I shudder at what all these kids are going to be going through later on in life; majorly bummed, dude.
Posted by aeros66 on September 15, 2011 at 2:40 PM · Report this
mydriasis 159
@130/cocky

I was taught that the way to get around the teeth issue was to.... this will be tricky to describe in text. But to basically have your lips covering your teeth so that you can actually use your teeth to get a firm grip without any teeth-penis contact.

The person who taught me that is gay and sort of made his living that way.

So I took his advice. I get positive reviews.
Posted by mydriasis on September 15, 2011 at 2:12 PM · Report this
158
Dan says "Don't let your boyfriend rush or guilt you into blowing him until he comes..."

Need help with the definition here. Doesn't a blowjob imply that the male comes? Up until then isn't it just cocksucking?

Or is any mouth-penis contact a blowjob?
Posted by Amos101 on September 15, 2011 at 1:54 PM · Report this
157
156- I didn't ask that question directly, but I did note that her letter is absent of anything positive about her relationship with her boyfriend. I'd go so far as to say that coming isn't as important as enjoying. If she doesn't actually come but loves the experience and wants more, at least she's headed in the right direction. If her boyfriend is doing something for her only in a manipulative bid to get her to do something for him, there's a ton wrong with the whole picture. (And dump him as UppityMom in 151 says.)

I'll go out on a limb that will get me in trouble with some feminists and tell NCWTD that at her age, she ought to be pursued. By that, I mean that her boyfriend ought to be so thrilled that she's doing anything sexual with him that he's willing to make all the first moves. If he eats her, it ought to be because he adores her, wants her to feel pleasure, and just plain wants to. If she's so happy that she wants to blow him in return, that's an extra bonus that should happen when and if she wants. It's different when you're older and know what you like. At 16, it's important to feel comfortable at every step. To feel a little scared is normal enough, but overall, you ought to feel pleased.

Same goes for the probing. All she says is that it worries her, not that she enjoys it. Not wanting to engage in probing because of fear of pregnancy gets one set of advice. (Get birth control as many above have said.) Not wanting to engage in probing because you're not into it gets a different set. (Dump him as only a few have said, or at least get a lot better at communicating what's wrong.)
Posted by Crinoline on September 15, 2011 at 1:50 PM · Report this
robt vesco, jr. 156
Has anyone asked if No Clue had an orgasm from her BF going down on her? Seems like important ground to cover. So, No Clue: You get to direct his licking the same way he gets to direct your sucking. Take your time, help each other out in this, and you'll never regret it.

Dan: You sound like an old man about the earlobes. "And those tattos and baggy pants! Why in my day, we ... and get off my lawn!"
Posted by robt vesco, jr. on September 15, 2011 at 12:24 PM · Report this
155
@154 - as with your preference for enemas before anal (a few weeks ago), I think you're jumping to conclusions about how common your own preferences are.

My experience this year is that there's a lot of variation. BDSM'ers in particular often like throat-fucking, sometimes to the point where it's a breath-control thing.
Posted by EricaP on September 15, 2011 at 12:15 PM · Report this
154
@131, sure there are differences in preferences, but (1) no teeth and (2) lots of tongue action work for 95% of guys. In my experience, if I want to fuck someone's throat, it is because their blowjob technique sucks (no pun intended) and isn't going to get me off.
Posted by cockyballsup on September 15, 2011 at 12:07 PM · Report this
153
@126,

Superfetation is the condition of having multiple simultaneous pregnancies of different fertilization times. (Hey, I didn't write it.)

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on September 15, 2011 at 12:00 PM · Report this
Knat 152
"Hasa diga eebowai?" Wow, Dan, Book of Mormon really left a lasting impression on you, didn't it?
Posted by Knat on September 15, 2011 at 11:50 AM · Report this
151
NCWTD - you sound like a very smart, very responsible person. So you should give this boy his first lesson in "girls don't like pushy boys." As in, dump him. Nicely, but dump him. You can get practice in the "I just don't think we're sexually compatible" department with your breakup speech.

In other words, you are only 16, and just not quite ready for the full monty. You might be ready in a week, a month, or a year, but I don't think you'll ever feel 100% comfortable with this boy, and you should DEFINITELY feel 100% comfortable, all the way down to your toes, with anyone you're having sexual fun with. Trust me, it makes sex SOOOOO much more interesting when you're on the same wavelength with your partner.

Also... I have adorable twin nieces who were pre-cum babies. Just sayin'.
Posted by UppityMom on September 15, 2011 at 11:24 AM · Report this
150
Surely Worried Porn Girl should masturbate to whatever kind of porn turns her on, without worrying about whether it has Violet Blue's stamp of approval? Does she really need to add pornographic correctness to her worries?
Posted by Alec on September 15, 2011 at 11:04 AM · Report this
149
@142 - the overwhelming majority of conceptions happen in the week around ovulation. Some people have a three week cycle, so they are fertile more often than people with four or five week cycles.

Use condoms every time to protect against disease -- 'virgins' can have STDs if they are calling themselves virgins because they haven't had PIV yet. (Or had PIV with an abuser/rapist so it doesn't count.)
Posted by EricaP on September 15, 2011 at 9:29 AM · Report this
148
Long-time reader, I also think your advice is mostly spot on, but don't go telling the 16 year old girl she's not a virgin anymore. As Dan has often suggested our society's obsession with virginity status is based on antiquated Puritan BS and doesn't even apply well to gay people or just people who get off on different sexual scenarios. If you've got serous BDSM tendencies do you lose your virginity when you just have vanilla sex (and what kind of sex? does only vaginal intercourse apply?) or when you BDSM play for the first time, regardless of whether or not intercourse occurred? I know BDSMers who would argue for the second. Questions like that are endless, about people of all sexual varieties, and pointless. NCWTD should take the risks of STIs and pregnancy seriously, but she should not spend a bunch of time guilting herself over her virginity status, as many 16 year old girls will when they're told they're no longer virgins. Do you still feel like a virgin NCWTD? Well then you are, according to you, and that's the only opinion in this case that matters.
Posted by kc2127 on September 15, 2011 at 8:51 AM · Report this
147
also want to chime in with others and agree that #134 is right on the money w the foot fetishist and I almost feel like that usual Dan-advice paragraph was accidentally deleted from his response or something...Dan always tends to agree, starting sexual activity of any kind in front of family is inconsiderate, rude, and just plain out disrespectful to your family.
Posted by kc2127 on September 15, 2011 at 8:39 AM · Report this
146
I don't even want to get near the whole, should the guy have a say about whether she gets abortion question because that is so freaking fraught...I don't even know. It's a really hard question for everyone though, dear 16 year old, as the comments here show so read what everyone says, think about it, and do what feels most right for you.
In terms of the "probing" question, I do think there's something else to be said that hasn't been mentioned. Probing is such a tease, as several commenters note, but some women really, really enjoy the opening of the vagina being stimulated, it's pretty sensitive and can feel awesome, and some men really, really enjoy just the tips of their cocks being stimulated. Now, it's certainly highly likely that your lame bf is just trying to pressure you into having sex NCWTD, and you should as Dan advises, stand up for yourself there. But, it's possible he also just enjoys the stimulation probing provides, and perhaps you're feeling a little guilty about it too because you enjoy it too. Let's just say, I was in a very similar situation in high school (26 now & I'm female) and my bf was not an asshole and we had talked lots about losing our virginity to each other and when we wanted that to happen. But he kept jumping the gun and probing and well, when we finally talked about that we realized he was irresponsibly doing it and I was irresponsibly not stopping him because it just felt really, really good for both of us. But you know what is largely harmless? Him probing you gently around that opening area with his fingers and/or tongue (try tongue, wooowee it's awesome), and you playing with just sucking on the tip of his cock (best starting when he's completely/mostly soft as in my experience most guys' heads are too sensitive when they're rock hard to take focused stimulation on just the tip). It's easy for both of you and fun and as long as he's not probing you with fingers that have recently touched his pre-cum/cum (wash w hot water and soap & problem fixed!) there's no risk of pregnancy. There is still a risk of STIs so be careful about that though! Get yourselves both tested and stay monogamous if you want to keep playing bare-back, or learn to use condoms/barriers now, your later partners will thank you.
More...
Posted by kc2127 on September 15, 2011 at 8:34 AM · Report this
145
RE responsibility: the most important thing is to understand what your responsibilities and accountabilities are and to act accordingly. In the US, that means that fathers are responsible for child support. This is consistent with the fact that in the US, abortion may be difficult to obtain.

In the Netherlands, a father is accountable for child support if he was living with the mother in the six months before the baby is born or if he asserts paternity. Abortion and birth control are also universally and easily available. A pregnant woman knows what her expectations are wrt child support and can make decisions accordingly. (I’m not sure I have this exactly right, but it’s something along these lines.)

I’ve always liked this approach. It feels fair to me and treats everyone as an adult.
Posted by Alison Cummins on September 15, 2011 at 8:23 AM · Report this
144
I totally agree with #134, and I can't understand why Dan didn't see this and point it out to BFF.
Posted by wayne on September 15, 2011 at 8:03 AM · Report this
143
@25 You said "child support shouldn't be optional ... I think it's a selfish, horrible viewpoint to think a man can wash his hands of financial responsibility if he doesn't want a kid. If he's not prepared to have a kid, then he should have a vasectomy plain and simple, and get retested for sperm count." A good friend of mine was dating a girl for a time and she was on the pill. She decided that she wanted his baby without discussing it with him, and secretly went off the pill. After she became pregnant, she let him know her plans and swore that she wouldn't need his support. He was extremely angry - more so because he's a firm believer in ZPG and subsequently got a vasectomy. A year later, she sued him for child support, which he's been paying for the last several years. He's doing his best to be a good dad to the kid while having as little to do with the kid's mom as possible. It's not always so cut and dried.
Posted by Ian Ep on September 15, 2011 at 7:24 AM · Report this
142
Pregnancy can happen at ANY time of the cycle, actually. Sometimes a woman's hormones send out an egg at another time, even DURING menstruation. If it sends one out during pregnancy, it can result in another pregnancy (these are rarities, but CAN happen). The testing on live, motile sperm in pre-ejaculate is not complete, for they HAVE found live sperm in some pre-ejaculate samples, enough that it still runs a viable risk. Just like how sometimes the ovaries will send out more than one egg (which, should fertilization occur, leads to fraternal twins/triplets/etc). Bottom line: protection all the time, EVERY TIME. Granted right now the two don't need to really worry about diseases, since they're both virgins, but ALWAYS a good idea. And no ejaculating anywhere NEAR the vulva...that is how my cousin, a virgin at 17, got pregnant, and...THEY BOTH KEPT THEIR UNDERWEAR ON! Dry humping that lead to him ejaculating, soaking through both sets of underwear, and those little swimmer can be VERY determined...enough space to pass a hymen, if one exists. The hymen is not a hermetic seal on the vagina...if it were, menstrual fluids could not escape, and each hymen is different, including possibly absent.
Posted by cattycat on September 15, 2011 at 3:41 AM · Report this
141
@avast2006 controversy-I'm a woman, and a feminist, but I happen to agree with avastt, and I don't understand why everyone is blasting him. From a moral point of view, it doesn't seem right to me that men can be forced into fatherhood, while women cannot be forced into motherhood. Both take a risk when engaging in sex, but only one is given a choice if there is a pregnancy. It's a simple, but powerful, point, and worth exploring.
Posted by TaniaZ on September 15, 2011 at 3:03 AM · Report this
140
The reason it needs to be said to a guy (don't do it if you don't want to be a daddy), is due to guys being the ones that push for it with no protection! Guys need more reality check from the outside.

Girls are in the more vulnerable position (stereotypically speaking) -- where despite the monthly reminders of how their body works, and what the consequences of sex are, they also are at an internal war all the time that guys DON"T DEAL WITH.

Culturally bombarded by imagery and products telling you that 'pleasing the guy' is a priority (I don't think I need to point out how our culture does this)... then being pressured by the guy you like who doesn't want to wear a condom, a teenage guy with his testosterone going... while your horny too... and having to fight both the emotions and cultural messages and chemistry, to do what you know is right for your body, despite what it's telling you....

This is why girls mature faster than boys.
And why the message needs to be stated to boys in strong language... to break through the testosterone and inspire some manning-up.

Whereas you do Not need to berate girls, because they've got enough internal struggle going on on the matter. Encouragement and empowerment like Dan gave -- YES! But there's a lot of factors at play for the sexes when it comes to this, so it's not so black and white/hypocritical sounding as Avast wants to paint it.
Posted by giddy on September 15, 2011 at 1:07 AM · Report this
139
@108: From that link you cited, the vasectomy failure rate is lower than that if a) the guy was careful to get sperm counts checked; b) the more modern method of fascial interposition was used to prevent recanalization; and c) it's been more than 18 months since the vasectomy. Note that the article states recanalization has never occurred after more than 18 months post-vasectomy.
Posted by BlackRose on September 15, 2011 at 12:45 AM · Report this
138
@97, 110: It's gonna vary a lot from dick to dick. Most uncircumcised men do not have foreskins that are so long that they cover the glans when their cock is fully erect: it takes an unusually long foreskin to do that. So, depending on how long the foreskin is, the actual technique used to give a hard cock a BJ may not be that different, though the glans may be more sensitive from being covered from before. Circumcised guys can cover their glans during the day (when not having sex) to simulate the extra sensitivity: there are products for that purpose.
Posted by BlackRose on September 15, 2011 at 12:41 AM · Report this
137
@129: Roe said that states could only ban third-trimester abortions if they left exemptions for the physical and mental health of the mother, which is fairly broad. And some states don't have third-trimester restrictions on abortions: in those states, abortion is legal at any time for any reason.

@117: It depends on the state: not all states have that waiting period and it varies from state to state. If you didn't find out until after the period was over, it's paternity fraud, and you can (in some states) be relieved of your obligations if you immediately terminate all connections with the kid and stop assuming a parental role. It's critical that you do this if you find out the kid isn't yours -- make it clear that you consider yourself a victim of fraud and not a father -- because some states have forced men to pay child support when they didn't immediately abandon the kid and stop being a dad!
Posted by BlackRose on September 15, 2011 at 12:37 AM · Report this
136
I called Planned Parenthood today and they got me an appointment for tomorrow. The 16 year old should do the same and she'll be protected within a week (from pregnancy, anyway) She's young, this is all new, the guy is being a pushy jerk (sounds a lot like the guys I dated at that age...) all of which will pass in time. She just has to get through this time in her life unscathed. Part of that is standing up for herself like Dan urges and part of it is protecting herself from having to get an abortion at age 16.

For the record, blow jobs lead to penetration too. Just get on the damn pill already-- it oughta be mandatory.
Posted by wxPDX on September 15, 2011 at 12:16 AM · Report this
135
@116: He must be from Lynden.
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 14, 2011 at 10:48 PM · Report this
134
Foot Fetish, given that you have a foot fetish and your boyfriend knows it and it's part of your sexual activity, then him doing that in front of your parents was sort of like him starting to stroke your tits in front of your parents, and that's why you felt uncomfortable. It was a smug, unpleasant, inconsiderate and just plain icky thing to do and showed considerable disrespect for your parents. Are you sure this guy's not, um, a dickhead?
Posted by GG1000 on September 14, 2011 at 9:44 PM · Report this
133
I don't see why NSWTD's abortion would necessarily have to be "secret." I think it'd be better in this country if parents and teens could be open about who they're fvcking and what is respectful and what is shitty behavior. Stupid quarterback there earned up about 17 shit points, and I'd rather know that my daughter was semi-fvcking him and be able to give her good advice than have her go through an ABORTION by herself as an ADOLESCENT.
Posted by Portia27 on September 14, 2011 at 9:31 PM · Report this
132
Just adored the "hasa diga eebowai". Rock on Dan.
Posted by trudypippin on September 14, 2011 at 8:49 PM · Report this
131
@130 - some guys like it reaalllyy sllllowww, some guys need the fast pumping action; some guys like me to focus on the frenulum, others want to fuck my throat. I met a guy recently who loves teeth on his cock, but don't get near his balls with them.

Please each partner by learning his prick's particular preferences :-)

Posted by EricaP on September 14, 2011 at 7:41 PM · Report this
130
It is unfortunately true that only a minority of people know how to give a good blowjob, but it is not rocket science. There are two secrets to a decent blowjob, the first and foremost being NO TEETH (there are no nerves in the tips of your teeth so lots of people don't even realize their teeth are scraping), and the second being that a good blowjob involves LOTS of tongue - too many people just do the boring lip piston - that's not how you would suck a lollipop and it is not how you should suck a dick - you can apply quite a bit of pressure with the tongue and move it side to side as as you move your lips up and down, or you can even keep you lips still and just move the tongue around, again like a lollipop - the tongue should be just as busy as it would be when eating out a girl. Also, it's no race - slower often feels more intense than faster - there is nothing so deadening as someone pistoning up and down on your dick at 100 miles an hour.
Posted by cockyballsup on September 14, 2011 at 7:04 PM · Report this
nocutename 129
avast2006: thanks for modifying your tone and not taking offense at my posting. I didn't mean for you to unpack your ideas further, and I think I had a sense of them, but it was great that you did.

@93:
Why would you feel compelled to questions avast2006's love for or ability to be a good father to his children? I hope you either aren't a parent or have never been criticized for your parenting skills/abilities by a total stranger who knows nothing about you!

And as it happens, your statement "While it's in the womb it's a parasite on the mother and she can choose to evict it at any time, if men have a problem with that they can hurry up and invent artificial wombs for gestation" is not only insensitive and ignorant of biology (look up "parasite," why don't you), but it is ignorant of abortion laws. Even in its earliest days, with the least restrictions, Roe v. Wade didn't give women to absolute right to an abortion for any reason at any point in the pregnancy prior to birth.
Posted by nocutename on September 14, 2011 at 6:23 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 128
@126: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Reproductiv…

Apparently, it's possible.
Posted by undead ayn rand on September 14, 2011 at 6:14 PM · Report this
127
She could fuck him as well as he her.
Posted by Hunter78 on September 14, 2011 at 6:13 PM · Report this
126
@118:

Huh? Unless a woman has a double uterus, how the heck can she get pregnant again when she is already pregnant?
Posted by Ashley Amber on September 14, 2011 at 6:06 PM · Report this
125
@NCWTD

The probing you're experiencing? That is him trying to trick you into having full sex. Once he gets away with probing so deep, he'll move to probing a leetle bit deeper, and eventually he'll probe deep enough that you might as well just get on with it and have full blown sex. Probably without you getting asked first.

That said, as others have pointed out, you are now no longer a virgin in the PIV sense. Hymen breakage or not, even if it was just the tip, even if he only did it for a minute and wasn't thrusting and grunting and blah blah blah, you've had a penis in your vagina.

At this point, I would suggest dumping the arsehole and finding someone GGG about exploring sex with you at a rate that is comfortable for both of you.
Posted by BunnyM on September 14, 2011 at 6:00 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 124
@123: "all I ever read and hear (on his podcast) is a super negative whiny queen of the hipsters"

Oh please, Seattle's full of 'em. His sarcasm is meant with some amount of love, or else he'd move out of the city.

"Your time as a columnist is obviously coming to an end. Let the positive young talent just take over, as it is inevitable. /end rant."

Oh yes, Savage is the drama queen. Indeedy.
Posted by undead ayn rand on September 14, 2011 at 5:28 PM · Report this
123
Isn't anyone upset about Mr. Savage's advice to the foot fetish guy? Sounds like the advice giver needs some advice. Don't force your closed minded unrelated opinions onto some poor guy. What you consider pretty and what other people consider pretty is objective. I happen to think tattoos are sexy and ear plugs are not for hipsters. Tight girl jeans are for hipsters. People rant and rave about how Dan Savage is brilliant. But all I ever read and hear (on his podcast) is a super negative whiny queen of the hipsters. You know what they say about homophobes, that they are really gay. Well Mr. Savage, you hate hipsters so much, you must be their queen. Now go be negative somewhere else. Your time as a columnist is obviously coming to an end. Let the positive young talent just take over, as it is inevitable. /end rant.
Posted by odizus on September 14, 2011 at 5:15 PM · Report this
122
Isn't anyone upset about the columnist advice to the foot fetish guy? Sounds like the advice giver needs some advice. Don't force your closed minded unrelated opinions onto some poor guy. What you consider pretty and what other people consider pretty is objective. I happen to think tattoos are sexy and ear plugs are not for hipsters. Tight girl jeans are for hipsters. You can take your opinion and stuff it where the sun doesn't shine. Hows that for advice, jerk.
Posted by odizus on September 14, 2011 at 5:05 PM · Report this
long-time reader 121
NCWTD: In addition to getting some contraceptives at PP (as many have already implored you to do), I submit that you need to get tested for pregnancy and STDs while you're there. Pregnancy, because this "probing" can indeed lead to pregnancy, as others have pointed out: You may already be pregnant. STDs, because (and I don't think anybody has pointed this out yet): You can't trust him to keep his penis away from your vagina, so why would you trust him when he says he hasn't already put it in somebody else's vagina (and most likely without a condom).

You say you don't understand why he's doing this "probing". Well, he's doing it to test your boundaries: Does "no" really mean "no"? The next time he may just start fucking you without warning. Or, even if he doesn't do that, he could prematurely ejaculate and still drastically increase the risk of pregnancy.

P.S.: You are no longer a virgin, no matter what you or he have convinced yourselves of. But I suggest that for your first consensual intercourse, you choose a more respectful partner.
Posted by long-time reader on September 14, 2011 at 4:54 PM · Report this
120
SO,

Are we going to talk about oral sex technique on women now?!!

(Droool)

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on September 14, 2011 at 4:43 PM · Report this
119
@109 re fertility windows - actually, sperm can live for days in there. And most women don't know how to tell when they are about to ovulate, so they're just guessing when that window of opportunity is.

Here's the planned parenthood advice on the question:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…

A woman has a chance of her egg joining a sperm about seven days of every menstrual cycle.

This includes the five days before ovulation.
It includes the day of ovulation.
It also includes the day or two after ovulation — even though it's less likely to happen then.

Posted by EricaP on September 14, 2011 at 4:37 PM · Report this
118
@109, GlassMoon,

That thought will be exceedingly comforting to the 1:1000 marginally fertile woman that has an "accidental" pregnancy from unprotected sex. Women have been known to get pregnant while already pregnant, so to hope for infallible normalcy from a biological system is ... naive. Why argue against contraception???

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on September 14, 2011 at 4:34 PM · Report this
117
@105 you should look into the law more. If the married man knows damn well the kid is not his then he has a period of time to say so and get a test and off the hook.

Now some say "wah I found out when the kid was 7" Yes, and in that case it's about the child and their right to not be abandoned by the only father they've ever known, tho any man who would do that is one the child is better off without.
Posted by wendykh on September 14, 2011 at 4:31 PM · Report this
116
#2 is yet another brain damaged man who can't figure out abortion is about pregnancy, child support is about a child.
Posted by wendykh on September 14, 2011 at 4:27 PM · Report this
115
Regarding this "probing" business, can someone explain why "probing" isn't in fact PIV sex, albeit a messing around variety? I ask because I would think that it would be useful for a 16 y.o. to know that it doesn't need to be balls-deep to be "real" fucking in a baby-making sense, albeit more of a teasing tentative nature.

It seems to me that she should consider herself to be having PIV sex for the purposes of assuming birth control. After all, did I miss where someone created a new definition where 1" in isn't fucking, but at >=2" in, she is magically no longer a virgin (for whatever that's worth?)
Posted by SatanicMechanic on September 14, 2011 at 4:26 PM · Report this
114
If it's at all reassuring - my boyfriend still laughs at how inept my first blowjobs were. But with practice, guidance (i.e., asking him what felt good) and googling 'how to give good blowjobs' I improved.
Posted by Kltuz on September 14, 2011 at 4:26 PM · Report this
113
NCWTD - He is a 16 year old boy. Anything you do to his dick with your mouth short of biting it will be extremely appreciated. Blow jobs aren't that hard, really. You learned how to play with his dick with your hands, right? This is the same thing but wetter. Don't try to deep throat him for a while, at least until you know your gag reflex really well. Just lick the damn thing to start with, go slow and ask him if he likes what you are doing. Make him tell you what feels good - he knows you don't know how, this is a perfect opportunity to learn, and it'll build your confidence to get feedback. He asks you if it feels good when he eats you out, right? Right??? Because he should be taking pointers from you - that's a lot more technically difficult than cock sucking. Just play with him, you'll be fine. Porn doesn't usually show good blow jobs - those choking ones are crap, and usually it's just boring old in and out for five million years - which is actually a bit hard to do because of the whole breathing thing - you can do whatever you want, you literally will have him by the balls. Play around - most of a blowjob isn't the actual in and out bit. It's like a handjob with tongue added. You don't have to actually suck on him for more than a minute or so at a time (when you do actually get to the point where you feel comfortable sucking), and keep your hands stroking him, so you don't go too deep by accident until you're used to it. Keep up some sort of leisurely contact in the beginning, rub his cock on your tits, your face, whatever you feel like, mess around with anything interesting you find down there, stroke him with your hands, and suck on him when and if you want. You run short on breath, you get tired of it, whatever, go back to pure handjob. But always use your hands - don't go total porno cocksucker until you are used to things and can trust his control so he won't thrust when you aren't expecting it. He's not allowed to hold your head (unless you want him to), he's not allowed to bitch if you don't swallow, he's not allowed to thrust unless he can't help it and then he should warn you if he can (until you have much more experience), and he's supposed to be immensely grateful. You'll be fine, don't worry, good luck. And tell him to wrap his dick if it's anywhere near your vagina (like within firing distance) or break up with him - he has no right to scare you like that, and you are right to be scared - that thing on a 16 year old is a loaded gun. And break the boy of that no abortion thing - you'll be doing him a favor. DO NOT FUCK A GUY WHO IS ANTIABORTION. Tell your friends.
More...
Posted by gnot on September 14, 2011 at 4:23 PM · Report this
112
@97 - hi Sissoucat!

In relating the tips at 84, I was thinking about a woman who gave me the best Blowjobs of my life and her technique. I'm not circumcised although if I were then I think the lots of saliva idea would be even more important. In my experiance, the wetter the better. This particular woman would fuck me with her mouth (as in no thrusting on my part so not hurting / gagging her)while holding /stroking the base of my shaft in unison with her furious bobbing. She always maintained powerful suction too. To me, her agressiveness was a big turn on - as in "wow, she really likes sucking my cock!". So hot!
Posted by Mthrfckr on September 14, 2011 at 4:21 PM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 111
NCWTD, it may have been said before, but no man who is against a woman's right to choose deserves a blowjob. Ever.
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on September 14, 2011 at 4:21 PM · Report this
110
@97 My understanding is that uncut penises are more sensitive than cut penises. What you describe in your admittedly charming post would never get my cut penis to orgasm.

I require pretty steady rhythmic motions in and out of the mouth along with somewhat strong pressure from the tongue and roof of the mouth. That motion is generally provided by my wife's head moving up and down, but to the extent she can accommodate my thrusting, that is very nice as well.

I have personally never found eating pussy to be difficult. All it really requires is basic knowledge of what the clitoris likes and a willingness to observe the woman to see what she likes.

I have never sucked cock, but what my wife goes through seems to me to be more challenging that what I do. There is a danger in eating pussy of tongue exhaustion, but a moistened thumb can pretty well take over in that case. Pacing oneself, and only applying the strongest pressure right before and during orgasm goes a long way to not wearing out.
Posted by Learned Hand on September 14, 2011 at 4:20 PM · Report this
109
HEY EVERYONE. Did you know that a woman is only fertile one, maybe two days out of her whole cycle? I hate everyone yelling "OMG SEX ALWAYS MAKES BABIES IF YOU DON'T HAVE CONDOMS!" You SHOULD use protection, yes. But it's silly to pretend every sex act every day could cause pregnancy.
Posted by GlassMoon on September 14, 2011 at 4:13 PM · Report this
lyllyth 108
p.s. the vasectomy failure rate is 1 in 2000 to 1 in 4000, depending on method used.
http://www.vasectomy-information.com/art…

p.p.s. unless the asshole lied about it in the first place.
Posted by lyllyth on September 14, 2011 at 3:49 PM · Report this
lyllyth 107
@88, thank you.

Avast, thank you for also nuancing your sentiments better, I apologize for my language. I wasn't trying to "make things up", it's not very clear from your original posts what your household composition is. I don't do extensive background checks on other slog posters, because...that would be uber-creepy.

I'll admit I was projecting a bit.
I'm glad you're a thoughtful husband and parent. The world need more of those.

I think it would be better to leave it gender-neutral at: "don't want to be a parent? don't have sex." Throw in either gender and it's loaded. And honestly, looking at the very recent history of humankind, it was less than two generations ago that women and their wombs WERE viewed as their men's property (whether that meant her father's to marry off or her husband's to use and abuse), it was still not within her prerogative to determine her own reproductive fate. That's why this is still a touchy subject. Girls today may not realize how tenuous this change is, and in fact it is under attack politically. Current events!

But yes, hurry up and invent an artificial womb, for the sake of those daddies that want the baby without the mama. Then we can REALLY argue about child support.
Posted by lyllyth on September 14, 2011 at 3:40 PM · Report this
106
Ms Hopkins - Thank you for post 54. I've wondered lately whether considering myself overweight when my waistline is on the higher end of its fluctuations (it goes up and down between the extremes of a 2-inch range) is a Bad Thing. At least I generally don't do too badly about restriction the application to myself.
Posted by vennominon on September 14, 2011 at 3:33 PM · Report this
105
Avast and others,

Actualy, the man is not always safe simply by keeping his dick in his pants. If a married woman gets knocked up, her husband is on the hook 100%, regardless whose dick was in there. Since we can now determine paternity with certainty, this is just a Victorian hangover no feminist wants to fix.
Posted by Hunter78 on September 14, 2011 at 3:32 PM · Report this
104
condoms should be worn with probing to prevent STD's
Posted by bootnip on September 14, 2011 at 3:31 PM · Report this
103
That doesn't sound at all like something Bitch Pudding would say.
Posted by bongolingo on September 14, 2011 at 3:24 PM · Report this
102
@93: If only men could irresponsibly impregnate themselves.....
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 14, 2011 at 3:20 PM · Report this
sissoucat 101
EricaP @79 : exactly. That was my first time. That was my life until my thirties.

My culture goes : Men should ask for sex (that is, to the access to a vagina in which to unload their sperm) and women should ponder everything before they say yes or no.

And this everything goes like, for married partners : how long since the last time ? Can he hold it any further, or should I submit to it now ? Is there any way I could make sure not to get pregnant, or not to get a disease, without hurting his male ego in asking him to wear a condom ? Once I've done all the chores while he was watching the TV, won't I want to sleep most of all ?

And for casual encounters : are there enough people nearby, so that I can safely say no without being raped on the spot, or would it be better to temporize and say maybe... until I'm in a safe place where I can say no ?

Everything never includes : do I want sex too ? Because in my culture, women who actively want sex, and who enjoy it, are whores.
Posted by sissoucat on September 14, 2011 at 3:16 PM · Report this
100
Mr Rose - Given that the letter seemed to have nothing overtly to do with Bears, that interpretation, while possible, seemed less than conclusive. I thought that perhaps it was Bare misspelled, or that possibly BFF might have been considering something as being difficult to bear.

As for what I inferred, please know that I just got my internet back after Hurricane Irene, and am probably going quite far after having been out of commission for so long. But I did get a sense of BFF taking himself very seriously as having reached the full heights and depths of depravity in his fetish that his wonderful boyfriend permits him to indulge. In reality, this wicked indulgence is so mild that they got with it in front of his parents, hence the 101 remark.

But it would not shock me to discover that the boyfriend is one of those predatory types who views a partner with a fetish as ideal because accommodating the fetish gives him major leverage in the relationship. The incident struck me as potentially a power play. I think that, had we known, for instance, that BFF really wants to do other things that nobody would do in his parents' company and the foot rubs are a compromise solution, I would probably feel BFF to possess more agency/autonymy.
Posted by vennominon on September 14, 2011 at 3:14 PM · Report this
99
@93: The topic is unwanted pregnancies and how to handle them. Facets like how to pay or whether to have them at all are integral to the topic. Do not mistake your distress over these issues with how I feel about children in general, let alone how I feel about my own children.

My children are wanted children: wanted, planned for, prepared, for, welcomed into the family, gladly provided for, and cherished. If every child was a wanted child, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 2:59 PM · Report this
sissoucat 98
@46 : I totally agree. Eating pussy is much more difficult that giving a blowjob.

My current guy is an expert pussy eater, a lover of the act, and still sometimes I don't orgasm from it. So while 69ing, I'm mostly thinking of restraining myself from licking his penis into pleasureland, otherwise he gets too distracted, and his pussy skills suffer - or worse yet, he fails to hold it in, and then the feast is over (him being 54, there's no 2nd chance later in the evening).

Others wannabee pussy-eaters have only made the experience pretty painful - so much so that I ended up saying no way to receiving oral sex.
Posted by sissoucat on September 14, 2011 at 2:56 PM · Report this
sissoucat 97
@84 : I always read this "lots of saliva" thing about blowjobs on American posts - so, would you enlighten me, are you talking about circumcized penises ?

As an European, I have only given blowjobs to intact penises, and I never had to drool nor to focus on saliva to pleasure my partners. And according to the lucky few who got to experience it, I'm pretty good on blowjobs (otherwise I wouldn't chime in).

Liking the person and getting to know his penis comes first. Then, treating it as a swell lollipop, keeping the shaft in one hand, and alternating between licking and gently sucking the soft wet glans does the thing. Licking the inside of the foreskin, and around the ridge under the glans, where it connects with the foreskin, also yields pretty intense moaning. I also like "to play with my food", letting it in and out, sometimes real slow, sometimes faster, so that the next move is a surprise for the receiver.

As for "fast and furious" and "let him fuck your mouth like your pussy", I've never done it that way. I wouldn't want to get hurt. In movements to and fro, I've found that sucking the penis when it is getting out of my mouth, like I'd want to vacuum-pump it back it, gets pretty good results - as tickling in the space between the testicles and the anus with the fingers not around the shaft.

Really, if you like the guy and if you've had time to familiarize with his penis (and he's freshly washed) doing all that comes pretty easily (and the guy, too).

So, that's my limited experience, but would it work too on cut penises ? I'd love to know.
Posted by sissoucat on September 14, 2011 at 2:42 PM · Report this
96
Want to be PIV sexy without fathering a baby? Tad expensive; but probably not more overall than BC over time; and fairly easy.

Go to doctor, get your sperm stored away safely in a freezer, two freezers if you're worried. Get snipped, wait until sperm count too low to make a baby. When you want a baby, go make a withdrawal from the sperm bank. Utterly safe from unwanted pregnancy, well mostly, I suppose there's probably a vasectomy failure rate but I don't know what it is. No excuse to not wear a condom though, diseases are enough reason!

It's safe, it's available, and entirely within your control. Cheaper by far than a baby. Better for the unwanted kiddos too.
Posted by NoBabiesForTheUnwillingFather on September 14, 2011 at 2:41 PM · Report this
95
@92, re: @88: Sorry, didn't realize on first reading that that wasn't a request to unpack it further, but just to play nicer in the first place. Never mind....
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 2:40 PM · Report this
94
#2 - What you've written is illogical. If a boy wanted the girl to have an abortion and she says she wants to keep the child then he could have just kept it in his pants.
Geesh! Talk about not thinking clearly. Try ASKING the person you're fucking first before making such decisions.
Not that difficult.
Posted by Frederica Bimble on September 14, 2011 at 2:34 PM · Report this
Noadi 93
@avast: I feel bad for your children. Why? Because you talk as if children are objects not living human beings. Think through your arguments again and really focus on the fact that children are actually real people before they turn 18, not objects that parents own and have to pay for. It's called child support not parent support for a reason. Is the system perfect? No, it isn't, but it's the least worst system we have come up with that keeps children clothed and fed when they're parents split up.

By the way, you mention adoption as a choice for women only. In 100% of states a woman cannot give up her child for adoption if the father objects. Once the baby leaves the womb both parents have a say. While it's in the womb it's a parasite on the mother and she can choose to evict it at any time, if men have a problem with that they can hurry up and invent artificial wombs for gestation. At the point when we can grow babies without needing to fuck up a woman's health to do so, then we can have a discussion about whether abortion is ethical.
Posted by Noadi http://noadi.net on September 14, 2011 at 2:31 PM · Report this
92
@88: guilty as charged, regarding tone; often too sharp for my own good.

Not sure how to unpack this one. Let me state that I don't advocate men walking away from their actual children, nor do I advocate men having any say over what women do with their own bodies, whether requiring pregnancy nor forbidding it.

Pregnancy is a serial process consisting of several stages. At each of these stages, women have the option of continuing the process or terminating it, for whatever reasons are applicable to their lives. Men at this point in history have choices at the first stage (whether to have sex or abstain) and thereafter are subject to the consequences of the choices made by the woman in subsequent stages.

Intercourse: Women - sex, yes or no? Men - sex, yes or no?
Pregnancy confirmed: Womens' option - Plan B, yes or no? Mens's option - "it's not your uterus, shut the fuck up."
Pregnancy continues: Women - abort, yes or no? Men - "it's not your uterus, shut the fuck up."
Adoption: Women - can disavow paternity, adopt out unilaterally** Men - you made it, you pay for it.

(** I don't know if a disavowed father can contest to establish paternity. I have never heard of this happening.)

Reaction to "If you didn't want to be a parent, you shouldn't have had sex": Applied to women - outrage, "it's not your uterus, shut the fuck up." Applied to men - well of course what did you expect?

Have I gotten any of the above items wrong?
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 2:15 PM · Report this
91
@39: "Bear" is a reference to a type/subculture of gay men. And I'm not sure what you mean by your pink flags, or by him being barely out of 101.
Posted by BlackRose on September 14, 2011 at 2:15 PM · Report this
90
Regarding LW2, assuming the parents know about the relationship, the thought going the mother's name is probably "Isn't that sweet, he's giving him a foot rub."

The father is probably thinking "Damn, I sure would like to get a foot rub once in a while."
Posted by LyleAustin on September 14, 2011 at 2:05 PM · Report this
89
I find it odd that Dan didn't really answer BFF's question. He didn't bother to address the boyfriend's behavior, merely the reaction of the parents. I think Dan should have said "Yes you're right to feel weird; your boyfriend behaved badly by giving you a foot boner in front of your parents without discussing it with you first in private. This was a serious error in judgment on his part."
Posted by wayne on September 14, 2011 at 1:46 PM · Report this
nocutename 88
@82: well-said.
avast2006, we've had our disagreements in the past. I find that I agree with you about one-third of the time, but then you piss me and a lot of people off and then you go back and unpack some of the more incendiary statements you've made and I feel more ambivalent again. I think it's a question of tone and phrasing that does it. Some of your posts are really thoughtful or you reveal yourself to be much less of an asshole than you originally sounded. Why don't you start from that position?
Posted by nocutename on September 14, 2011 at 1:42 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 87
@65 - OFF TOPIC - yeah, HFCS is evil & too many soft drinks are bad. I was very impressed at the tiny 8 oz. bottles of Coca-Cola, with actual sugar, served in Europe. People had just one of them, & that was plenty. It's part of a complex problem - high fructose corn syrup is part of huge agri-business, w/ big money to throw at our government, which leads to their product being available even though it's unhealthy, etc - but I thought I'd already talked enough about obesity when really what people wanna talk about here is foot fetishists & blowjobs. ;)
Posted by Eva Hopkins http://www.lunamusestudios.com on September 14, 2011 at 1:22 PM · Report this
86
@82: I like that a lot.
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 1:20 PM · Report this
85
@76, that is a great adult interpretation for what at 16 would be represented by "Oh, oh, so fucking close". I leave it to you to adultify the followup of "Oh so sweet, but scary. Am I doing this right?".

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on September 14, 2011 at 12:46 PM · Report this
84
Key blow job tips for no clue:
1. LOTS of saliva
2. No teeth
3. Fuck him fast and furious with your mouth as deep as you can!

Sure every guy is different and some like the teasing, kissing, swirling, licking but honestly, if you let him fuck your mouth like he wants to fuck your pussy, you'll have a happy, happy guy ;-)
Posted by Mthrfckr on September 14, 2011 at 12:46 PM · Report this
83
For people interested in what a first-time might look like if the young woman was paying attention to her own desire, see the second scenario presented at
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/a…

The second, utopian, scenario starts here: "By the time someone asks the other The Question, the yes they receive is already so completely known and felt that it’s moved beyond a mere answer and found itself reborn as a hungry, aching request almost arrogant in its knowledge that it will be gladly met..."
Posted by EricaP on September 14, 2011 at 12:42 PM · Report this
aureolaborealis 82
@81: Once again, I'm late to the party. And I don't necessarily agree with everyone who agrees with me, or disagree with everyone who disagrees with me. : )
Posted by aureolaborealis on September 14, 2011 at 12:39 PM · Report this
aureolaborealis 81
The "if you don't want to be a daddy, don't stick your dick in any vaginas" argument is completely true, but used in this context sounds uncomfortably like "if you don't want to have a baby, don't let any dicks in your vagina, whore. Now go have your prom-night dumpster baby while we burn down this abortion clinic."
Not advocating lack of support by dads, or power to enforce abortion/not abortion by dads. Just pointing out a little hypocrisy in a hard-line argument like that.
Posted by aureolaborealis on September 14, 2011 at 12:36 PM · Report this
80
if someone were to say to a woman, "If you don't want to be a parent, keep your legs closed"...

People do say that all the time, explicitly and implicitly.

Seriously, Avast, do you live in some alternate universe where teenage moms don't get weird looks and politicians don't rant about "welfare mom" and, in general, there's no stigma attached to being a single mother OR getting an abortion and, in short, there aren't a heck of a lot of people who have exactly that opinion? That unplanned pregnancy or parenthood is entirely the woman's fault, as if she did it all by herself? When a woman gets pregnant and isn't prepared for it, all of her choices are bad ones, it's just a matter of choosing the one that's least bad. When a guy wants his girlfriend to have an abortion, he's asking her to take on a difficult experience -- one of physical pain, often social stigma, and often some very difficult emotional effects. She's the one who has to go into the abortion clinic and say, yes, I got pregnant, and yes I want an abortion. The guy doesn't do any of that -- although if he's a decent person and she goes ahead with the abortion, he'll be offering her emotional support through it.

I do get where you're coming from. It's scary to think that something as easy to do as having sex can have financial repercussions for that long. But regardless of which choice a woman makes, she's going to end up carrying way more of the burden than the man, especially if they don't stay together. So having to pay child support without getting to take a "surrender" option may be unfair -- but it's still a heck of a lot less unfair than what women have to deal with.

In my experience women are way more cautious about birth control than men -- this reflects the correspondingly higher risk a woman faces in getting pregnant than a man faces in getting a her pregnant.
More...
Posted by 1234 567 on September 14, 2011 at 12:35 PM · Report this
79
@76, also, a culture that says that sex is about intercourse and male ejaculation, and a woman is ready for her first time when a man successfully pressures her into it.
Posted by EricaP on September 14, 2011 at 12:34 PM · Report this
78
Alright, I might be stupid, or old. What is a "female girl"?
Posted by Stupid old guy on September 14, 2011 at 12:34 PM · Report this
77
@74. Aside from testing my google proficiency, what is your point?

The thing that would unite a safe surrender site with child support cases and the surrender of parental rights upon more "routine" adoption cases is that in all situations those policies share a central preoccupation: trying to do what's best under the given circumstances for the child in question.

If you think that fathers refusing to pay child support to single mothers is somehow equivalent to any parent surrendering parental obligations upon adoption--safe site or otherwise--I again argue that that is an argument of false equivalence rooted in confirmation bias and selfishness.


Posted by maddy811 on September 14, 2011 at 12:33 PM · Report this
76
Yeah, I'm inclined to agree with the people who think the "probing" is sort of a way of testing for intercourse: if she doesn't tell him to cut it out, sooner or later he's going to stick it all the way in without any sort of warning or discussion beforehand. And without a condom or any birth control.

Not because he's an evil person, just because sex is confusing and there's so many mixed messages out there and no one ever talks about setting limits and dealing with emotions. And because it's so easy to rationalize something that you want, or just not think about it until later.

Human beings make me sad.
Posted by 1234 567 on September 14, 2011 at 12:06 PM · Report this
75
@69: Nice job making shit up about me. I married at 26, we decided jointly when to have both of our children, we used condoms rather than the Pill because the latter made her ill, and after we decided that two children was enough, I got a vasectomy.

Second, you might want to read my posts more carefully. If you noticed, I specifically addressed the boyfriend and told him to stop putting his dick in his girlfriend if he didn't like her reproductive choices -- exactly what everybody else has been saying.

I was simply pointing out the irony that if someone were to say to a woman, "If you don't want to be a parent, keep your legs closed" it brings down all manner of wrath, but if you say the exact same thing to a man, that's perfectly fine.
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 12:05 PM · Report this
74
@68: "A woman giving up her parental rights via adoption is a trade off for the adoptive parents taking up the responsibility of raising that child. The child isn't just left in the lurch."

Google "safe surrender site."

"Seeking out child support is about the CHILD's welfare, not the decisions breeders make or don't make before a child exists--decisions about preventing pregnancy, ending a pregnancy or giving a child up for adoption."

This does not invalidate my assessment. If you notice, it's the exact same assessment as the person to whom I responded, who said almost exactly the same thing: If you don't want to be a daddy, don't have sex. End of story.

"And, I'm sorry, but if you have no care or concern for a child that is you're own flesh and blood, you're not far from that diagnosis either."

Again, Google "safe surrender site."
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 11:59 AM · Report this
73
"just the tip, just for a little, just to see how it feels..."
Posted by avast's love life on September 14, 2011 at 11:47 AM · Report this
72
@43: From the tone of the letter I'm under the impression this girl doesn't know what she wants, but rather is more eager to satisfy social pressures. Remember, at 16 the word "virgin" has mythical properties.
Posted by repete on September 14, 2011 at 11:47 AM · Report this
71
@64: Care to dispute the accuracy of the comparisons, rather than tossing off a dismissive label as if that constituted an actual argument?
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 11:46 AM · Report this
70
On a lighter note, I've gone down on men and women. The latter's far more difficult.

Speak for yourself...I have a gag reflex. No, in all seriousness, it depends on the person. My ex wife had a very hard time orgasming and my tongue would 'feel the burn' - it really was not fun - but learning to tame the gag reflex took a lot of work.
Posted by anony_rand on September 14, 2011 at 11:45 AM · Report this
lyllyth 69
Avast, are you just bitter that you have to pay your baby-mama? If that's the case, I applaud you for not being a deadbeat, but being bitter about a child's existence is something you did to yourself. You could choose not to be so bitter.

SHE'S BEING PRESSURED, YOU DICKWAD! She's 16, for cryin' out loud! At least she asked for help! Maybe she doesn't have the experience of confidence to tell boys no, and yes, that means she ought to revisit whether or not she's ready for sex, or as you so eloquently put it, "keeping her legs closed."

You're probably the kind of asshole that probed in high school just to see if you could get away with it, huh?

It's not your uterus, shut the fuck up.
Posted by lyllyth on September 14, 2011 at 11:39 AM · Report this
68
@63. This argument is only reasonable through the lens of a particular kind of male shortsightedness and selfishness.

A woman giving up her parental rights via adoption is a trade off for the adoptive parents taking up the responsibility of raising that child. The child isn't just left in the lurch.

Seeking out child support is about the CHILD's welfare, not the decisions breeders make or don't make before a child exists--decisions about preventing pregnancy, ending a pregnancy or giving a child up for adoption.

And if you think child support is such an unfair racket against fathers, take a look some time into the actual statistics on the matter: 1. the difficulty moms and courts have enforcing it and 2. how little money it is relative to what it costs to raise a child.

I'm sorry but this line of reasoning is just a shade away from the callous insanity on display the other night in the Tea Party/CNN debate where men shouted "YES!" when Blitzer asked if we should as a society just let uninsured sick people die.

An "I get mine/screw everyone else" world is not a utopia, unless you're a friggin' sociopath. And, I'm sorry, but if you have no care or concern for a child that is you're own flesh and blood, you're not far from that diagnosis either.
Posted by maddy811 on September 14, 2011 at 11:36 AM · Report this
67
We all agree there's a line, and other people shouldn't be forced to see your sex life. But in my opinion it's okay if they don't know what they're seeing. Whether a foot rub crosses that line is a judgment call, but if one is unhappy with one's partner's judgment in these things, one should speak up. In other words, the LW should tell his boyfriend that the foot rub made him feel uncomfortable, and he doesn't need Dan's permission to do so.

(Note: I've decided it's okay if our kids hear us having sex, through a locked door. If my parents lived with us, I think I'd be okay with them hearing us too. Though if our kids are awake, we avoid identifiable BDSM noises, so I guess I still consider that involving them too much in our sex life... Or I just don't want to face their questions.)
Posted by EricaP on September 14, 2011 at 11:22 AM · Report this
66
Is something covert if it is done openly but nobody else realizes the significance? ("If a tree falls in a forest..." :) )

Still, the fact that it means something to the two actually doing it means that they are involving the others in their scene, even as unaware participants. Generally speaking, not a nice way to treat people.
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 11:19 AM · Report this
Registered European 65
@54 --
Obesity overall is a huge (ugh) problem for our country. When I went to Europe & saw the river of schnitzel, spaetzle, wursts, Amsterdam style frites & beer being consumed by everyone around me, & their relatively slender physiques, I was baffled. But they walk. Everywhere. Owning a car there is not a given.

Perhaps more important is that they drink way less soft drinks than the US.
The US is the undisputed world leader in soft drink consumption. See here http://bit.ly/cwd1mf for some numbers.
Posted by Registered European on September 14, 2011 at 11:17 AM · Report this
64
@43: "I do wish NCWTD had included something about how she feels about her boyfriend. I'd like one sentence about what a great guy her boyfriend is, how they have a lot of fun together outside the sexual relationship, how he's kind and supportive and they have a lot in common"

She's 16, not thirties and looking to settle.

@63: "Translation: if she didn't want to be a mommy, she should have kept her legs closed.

Funny how that argument is completely unacceptable when applied to women, but completely run-of-the-mill when applied to men. "

Ah, meninists.
Posted by always sanctimonious on September 14, 2011 at 11:15 AM · Report this
63
"I concur with the other comments above, if you don't want to be a daddy, don't put your dick in a vagina."

Translation: if she didn't want to be a mommy, she should have kept her legs closed.

Funny how that argument is completely unacceptable when applied to women, but completely run-of-the-mill when applied to men.

Also funny how, when a woman decides she cannot financially support a child, she either aborts or surrenders her parental rights to an adoptive family, and that's absolutely fine -- but when a man tries to do the same thing, he's a deadbeat, no question.

The bottom line is that between contraception, abortion, and adoption, pregnancy and childraising are 100% voluntary undertakings for women; 100% voluntary at every step of the way. But once a man ejaculates, he surrenders all control of everything that happens thereafter.

Be advised accordingly.
Posted by avast2006 on September 14, 2011 at 10:48 AM · Report this
62
I'm wondering if Dan's contradicting his own previous advice. When BDSM-ers have written in about wearing collars and such during family get togethers, he has argued, rightly I'd say, that they shouldn't invite families into their scenes as unwilling participants.

Seems to me the dynamic is the same for a foot fetish. If it turns him on, doing it in front of his parents is making them participate in a "scene."

On a lighter note, I've gone down on men and women. The latter's far more difficult.
Posted by maddy811 on September 14, 2011 at 10:44 AM · Report this
61
What's it gonna be boy? I can wait all night.

.....And now I'm praying for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive. 'Cause if I have to spend another minute with you I don't know if I can really survive.
Posted by Learned Hand on September 14, 2011 at 10:36 AM · Report this
60
Foot fetish or not, I think it is way out of line to put your feet onto your boyfriend's lap when visiting his parents for the first time.
Posted by Tetsuo on September 14, 2011 at 10:15 AM · Report this
59
"But earlabia don't look good on anybody."

Oh yes they do.

Get out more. Out of the country.
Posted by Yojimbo on September 14, 2011 at 9:49 AM · Report this
58
You should advise the 16-year-old to visit Scarleteen. There is good reading about sexuality there and an excellent peer-to-peer message board. I was a board moderator there for six years
Posted by tmrobertca on September 14, 2011 at 9:42 AM · Report this
57
Here's hoping NCWTD takes everyone's advice, goes to Planned Parenthood, and ditches the boyfriend if he won't support her choice.

As for BFF... IMO, what you're doing feels weird because it's just a little bit like having your parents in the room during foreplay. If I were in your position, I would feel hella weird about it too.
Posted by TB on September 14, 2011 at 9:36 AM · Report this
nocutename 56
@24:
EricaP, first of all, I loved what you did @48, and am marveling at your techno-skills.

I also liked your blowjob games idea and suggestions.

And I understand your point about covertly getting sexual thrills while visiting parents (the night before I got married, while my parents had 40 out of town friends and relatives over to celebrate, I gave my fiance a blow job in their bathroom, the only room in the house with a locking door, as in your parents' house).
But there is a difference between playing footsie under the table or even having sex in a locked bathroom, and performing a sexual act in front of people, and the boyfriend who puts his bare feet on his boyfriend's lap in front of the lap-owner's parents at the first meeting, is crossing a line.
It's visible, and it's too intimate an act (even if the boyfriend isn't visibly erect) for a first time meeting the parents. It's not covert and (ooh aren't we being sneaky).
Posted by nocutename on September 14, 2011 at 9:25 AM · Report this
55
@46: "years I tell you! before I could come from a decent pussy eating. Yeah, there's a lot to be said about a woman's more challenging orgasm but still there is a patience and practice on a guy's part before a woman can come that way."

You're not understanding what Dan's trying to say. It takes a LOT MORE EFFORT for a woman to give a blowjob than a man to give a woman head. This also goes the same for doing either well.

Your experiences are not every woman's.
Posted by besides, that you needed to learn HOW to come properly on September 14, 2011 at 9:09 AM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 54
OFF TOPIC - @41 / vennominon: Hmm, good question. I don't want to totally thread-hijack, but that's a complex question, so this is long.

I'm not a fat pride person or fat acceptance person - for me. I have a hormonal imbalance - a real one, not a Krispy Kreme one - that makes losing weight super hard. I eat well & love the look on Dr.'s faces when they do bloodwork on me, as it proves that my home cooked, lotsa veggies, meals are healthy. But I know I'm fat. Despite being a pretty woman, know that there's more I could do, even if it's harder for me than others. So I say overweight, 'cause I am, & it's my responsibility to do something more about it when I can.

Obesity overall is a huge (ugh) problem for our country. When I went to Europe & saw the river of schnitzel, spaetzle, wursts, Amsterdam style frites & beer being consumed by everyone around me, & their relatively slender physiques, I was baffled. But they walk. Everywhere. Owning a car there is not a given. Opened my eyes. There's a whole lot of factors involved - food deserts (areas w/out good grocery stores), poverty, advertising, kids being fed crap, most employment being sedentary.

If someone else wants to be a pro-fat/fat pride advocate for themselves, hey, great. Please don't get angry with me for not hopping on the bandwagon. Feminism is supposed to be pro-choice..that's all choices.

I get torn when Dan talks about fat people. On the one hand, yes, there's a cultural, national problem with obesity. OTOH, often his tone is just so disgusted. If he could do it in a way that showed concern, w/out being as "ewwww, FATTIES" about it, I think he'd be taken a lot more seriously.

What else? I'm a big fan of dressing to body type, & wish more people - not just fat people - were.

I'm not ashamed of my body, I just know I can do better. So I try to. Saying overweight, for me, is an acknowledgement that I'm working on it.

..@ vennominon - BTW, saying your handle to myself made me giggle & picture Muppets singing. Apologies to others for long ass reply. Got me thinking.
More...
Posted by Eva Hopkins http://www.lunamusestudios.com on September 14, 2011 at 8:50 AM · Report this
53
@48

Hah! Nicely done, Erica.
Posted by chicago girl on September 14, 2011 at 8:44 AM · Report this
52
@33, probing is extremely low risk, but it's as well for NCWTD to go ahead and form safe sexual habits now. Get used to insisting the guy wear a condom, even for something like probing, because it can be difficult to push that point when you're both horny and not thinking straight. She also needs to get used to the idea that condoms are not optional--once you make one exception, it's more likely you'll make exceptions in the future.
Posted by chicago girl on September 14, 2011 at 8:43 AM · Report this
ShifterCat 51
@NCWTD: along with Planned Parenthood, you'd do well to check out Scarleteen. Their Sex Readiness Checklist is probably the first thing you'll want to look at, but the rest is excellent reading as well.
Posted by ShifterCat on September 14, 2011 at 8:33 AM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 50
Eek, I took that time to praise Mr. Dan, but didn't say to NCWTD: this guy is pressuring you, girlfriend! Take the sage advice given you above, & run to your nearest Planned Parenthood to get on some kind of birth control. Then, even though this guy may be yummy/dreamy/The One (ah, 16!) sit back & really think if you want him to be your first. He sounds like he's jerking you around. Hard to believe at 16, but I promise, there will be other guys if you decide to NOT go all the way with this one.

Posted by Eva Hopkins http://www.lunamusestudios.com on September 14, 2011 at 8:31 AM · Report this
49
When my boyfriend and I were sixteen and having sex we didn’t agree about how to approach an unplanned pregnancy. I thought I’d want to figure out if I could keep the baby, and only have an abortion if that couldn’t work. He knew he’d want me to have an abortion immediately, no chat about babies.

Because we didn’t agree, we were both REALLY REALLY CAREFUL to make sure there wouldn’t be any unplanned pregnancies. It actually reinforced how important prevention was and motivated us both to be really good at it. So not agreeing isn’t necessarily a problem.

The fact that in your case, not agreeing about how to handle an unplanned pregnancy isn’t leading to any consensus about the necessity of prevention is what bothers me. He isn’t partnering with you in trying to make sex good for both of you. You’re on your own with this guy. Since you know that he is not a partner and that you have to make all your decisions on your own, start making them. Get your birth control. Tell him what you do or don’t want him to do with his dick and enforce it (get dressed and walk away) if he doesn’t listen. He’s already let you know that he’s not in this with you, so don’t passively expect him to be.

These issues don’t go away. Twenty years later when I was committing adultery with a married man I found myself screeching “If I get pregnant I’m going to have an abortion and I am going to be so angry with you I am never going to have sex with you again.” So you might as well start practicing taking responsibility for yourself now.
Posted by Alison Cummins on September 14, 2011 at 8:15 AM · Report this
Posted by EricaP on September 14, 2011 at 8:13 AM · Report this
47
Dan! You are such a gay man! Which would be fine if you weren't also a nationally recognized sex advice columnist.

Giving blow jobs is easy...pussy eating is a skill. I gave my first successful bj the first time (ok, maybe guys that young don't know good from bad) and it was years, years I tell you! before I could come as a head receiver. Women's gear, alas, is far more complicated and it takes patience and practice on the partner's side to learn how to and what really works for a woman.
Posted by kakistocrat on September 14, 2011 at 8:11 AM · Report this
46
Dan! You are such a gay man! That would be fine if you weren't also a professional sex advice columnist. Blowjobs are simple and easy to learn, eating pussy is a skill. I was able to successfully give a BJ the first time (maybe b/c guys that age don't know good from bad) and it was years, years I tell you! before I could come from a decent pussy eating. Yeah, there's a lot to be said about a woman's more challenging orgasm but still there is a patience and practice on a guy's part before a woman can come that way.
Posted by kakistocrat on September 14, 2011 at 8:05 AM · Report this
45
As for the footrub, I don't want to see your bare ass feet propped up in my living room the first time I meet you. Fetish or not. Maybe once you're part of the family. Until then, keep your shoes on.
Posted by Texans on September 14, 2011 at 6:52 AM · Report this
44
My probing accident is named Abby. Fortunately, I was married with two kids with the surprise happened, so it wasn't that big a deal. But all it took was one time that we had a little genital-to-genital contact before he backed off and put on a condom.
Posted by Yael on September 14, 2011 at 5:51 AM · Report this
43
I realize that letter writers can't write books on their situations, that they have to choose what's relevant when they write to Dan, but I do wish NCWTD had included something about how she feels about her boyfriend. I'd like one sentence about what a great guy her boyfriend is, how they have a lot of fun together outside the sexual relationship, how he's kind and supportive and they have a lot in common. I'd like something on how excited she is to be in love, how exciting the sex feels to her, how she's looking forward to full PIV intercourse. It's not that I'm looking to this column for soft porn. It's that without something along those lines, the boyfriend comes across as a manipulator, and she comes across as being pressured.

That may be the case. If it is, Dan's answer is spot on. If it's not (and I suspect there's a lot more positive in this relationship than is given in the letter), then my advice would read something like this:

Push the date for getting that birth control up to the present. Bring the boyfriend with you to Planned Parenthood or wherever you decide to go. That doesn't mean you have to go ahead with PIV sex until you're ready, but you'll be prepared in case you're swept away in the moment and choose to go further than you thought when you started.

Right now you've had some arguments about abortion, but you don't say what the arguments have consisted of. When you're 16, a little emotional discussion can seem like a full blown argument when it's nothing worse than intelligent sharing of different ideas. It's sweet that your boyfriend likes the idea of a baby even if he's totally naive on the subject. He's 16 too? Of course he hasn't thought this through. Keep talking to him. Explain your position calmly that he doesn't get a say in whether or not you get an abortion because it just doesn't work that way. Keep away from ultimatums unless he delivers them first. If he's a jackass on the subject, break up with him like Dan says, but if he's just talking out loud, give him a little education on what babies and child support consist of. He'll likely come around.

And finally, NCWTD, you deserve a round of applause for being responsible about birth control. You sound pretty together for 16.
More...
Posted by Crinoline on September 14, 2011 at 5:20 AM · Report this
42
Mr Rose - Quite. That seemed nearly a non-answer. One could almost stretch the interpretation into reading Mr Savage as saying that everyone over the age of, say, 47 (if not 35) ought to have the decency nevermore to discuss or mention anything related to sex, far less indulge in practising the practice.

One wonders what his parents caught him doing - or perhaps those readers of longer duration than mine already know.
Posted by vennominon on September 14, 2011 at 4:56 AM · Report this
41
Ms Hopkins - Is it reasonable to infer from your use of the O-word that you aren't Fat Accepting? Just before my internet went out for two weeks, it seemed that I was reading so many posts about fat acceptance that it seemed to be on the verge of becoming a prerequisite for feminism. Or is it one of those words that may be applied to oneself as a reflection of personal goals without indicating patriarchal judgment of others of that description?

(half-teasing but there seems to be the germ of a real question; I tried to match your tone)
Posted by vennominon on September 14, 2011 at 4:46 AM · Report this
40
hasa diga eebowai?
Posted by i don't get it on September 14, 2011 at 4:40 AM · Report this
39
Ms Erica - It certainly seems as if it could be an interesting way to acquaint oneself with the true attitudes of the in-laws.

It's a short letter and I don't want to go overboard when my internet has so recently been restored, but BFF is giving me a couple of pink flags. I'll allow that LWs with "wonderful" partners are an occupational hazard for those who read advice columns, but he seems to think he's quite daring when he's not that far (if at all) out of 101. I'm not sure what to make of BFF's spelling "Bear". Mainly, though, the boyfriend doesn't "indulge him" but rather "lets him indulge". And the boyfriend's take on the situation seems to indicate deliberate provocation - not that that's necessarily a bad thing by itself, as I'm inclined to be in favour of your point, but it might be fun to cross-examine the pair about their power dynamics.
Posted by vennominon on September 14, 2011 at 4:27 AM · Report this
38
Yup. 'Probing' can lead to pregnancy. My probebaby is soon to turn 27.
Posted by probee on September 14, 2011 at 4:10 AM · Report this
37
Excellent advice to NCWTD. A 16-year-old kid isn't going to know a good blowjob from a bad one; he'll just be happy to be getting one.

Less impressed that you decided to shoehorn in a completely unrelated rant about ear plugs, though. Couldn't that space have been better used answering another letter?
Posted by Bewilderbeast on September 14, 2011 at 2:43 AM · Report this
36
@26, what! links, website names, search keywords?
Posted by lilechka on September 14, 2011 at 1:54 AM · Report this
Neptune 35
Just to put things in perspective for NCWTD, I know someone who got pregnant with her first child after being "probed" once. Her family is extremely Catholic and they thought they had found some kind of loophole to the "no sex before marriage" rule. What followed was her being hugely pregnant and fairly young at her wedding.

Point being, the risk isn't that low, especially if he accidentally ejaculates in/on/near your vagina. There's really no excuse for putting your vagina near an un-condomed penis unless you are actively trying to conceive. Until you're on birth control and he's wearing a condom (if you two stay together), no more genital contact. Keep your underwear on while you make out.
Posted by Neptune on September 14, 2011 at 1:36 AM · Report this
34
Probing is high risk. Any unprotected contact between the penis and vagina is extremely high risk when it comes to 16 year-olds. He could blow is load all over your vag at any moment. DON'T DO THIS if you don't want to get pregnant.
Posted by Amanda on September 14, 2011 at 12:53 AM · Report this
33
Probing is extremely low-risk. Pre-cum actually does NOT contain sperm and can't get a girl pregnant. There is the risk that sperm from a previous ejaculation could still be at the end of the penis but it's extremely unlikely.

Also. I don't understand Dan's answer to BFF... why would a parent saying "Don't worry about looking at porn. It's ok to be interested or curious about lots of kinks" ruin your sex lives forever? God, I wish my parents had been more open and willing to talk. And is Dan saying feet in the lap is only ok around the parents if you don't have a foot fetish? Or if you never looked at foot porn?
Posted by BlackRose on September 14, 2011 at 12:03 AM · Report this
32
Dan was waaaaaaay too easy on that girl's boyfriend. I feel bad for her. She needs a new boyfriend, because even if all of this happens and she gets pregnant he seems like the type to shame her regardless. If she has to go through with an abortion he'll end up slut shaming her to all her friends and everyone at school about how "that girl over there totally had an abortion."

She should leave now if she has so much stress and anxiety over this little fling.
Posted by dakoneko on September 13, 2011 at 11:23 PM · Report this
31
Protip for first time blowjobs: Don't suck really hard. Really, light sucking is optimal (practice on your finger), as is remembering to prevent your teeth from scraping it. Take it from someone who made that mistake: dick's pretty sensitive and delicate, occasional death grip issues aside.

I chime in on Dan's and the other commentors' advice on telling the boy to back the fuck off from your vagina unless he meets certain conditions (i.e. supporting your abortion choices, not pushing your boundaries, not being an idiot). Although it might be worth it to see the look on his face if you write up a document from a "lawyer" that says he agrees to be 100% responsible for all expenses and all actual care of the child should he knock you up. Plus, he should pay you for any lost time in school your pregnancy causes. Yeah, that'd make him turn pro-choice real quick.
Posted by sahara29 on September 13, 2011 at 11:15 PM · Report this
30
NCWTD Listen to #9 & 15! If u're in Arizona and some other states you're basically SOL when it comes to emergency BC and abortion care. In AZ, your parents have to sign for you, get it notarized, and take you to hear a state sanctioned pro-life script read by a doctor 24hrs before your abortion among other barriers. And I hear some states are even worse. So even if you don't have a physical Planned Parenthood where you live at least check out their site and also find out about your state's stance on the morning after pill and abortion.

www.plannedparenthood.org/
Posted by mygash on September 13, 2011 at 10:54 PM · Report this
Amaranthus 29
Age doesn't matter unless you're cheese, and in this case, NCWTD's guy sounds like a sleaze!

I'm 28, and if a guy I was dating and gradually making my way into Happy Humpdom with was "probing" and being a dick about potential pregnancies, I'd run like my ass was on fire. Virgin or not, anyone who puts pressure on you, emotionally or physically to do what they want, and not what you're comfortable with needs to be shut down immediately. It's a slippery slope, and while first-time sex is always awkward (Universal Rule, no lie), it should at least be something where YOU feel comfortable enough with what's going on between the two of you.

Good luck kiddo.

Posted by Amaranthus on September 13, 2011 at 10:49 PM · Report this
lyllyth 28
NCWTD - please take the advice of everyone saying get to Planned Parenthood, that's what they exist for: getting medically accurate information and contraception to people who are not ready to be parents.

I personally would advise you to dump your current BF and get one who won't push the issue...and "probing"? I'm sorry for the pun I'm about to drop, but: THAT IS A DICK MOVE.
He's trying to nudge you into unprotected sex, and if it's against your permission, HE MUST STOP.

Regarding abortion and "men's choice" in the matter? Do men have a uterus? no?
Then you get no veto.

#2? shut the fuck up, asshole.

If child support were ACTUALLY ENFORCED IN THIS COUNTRY, unplanned pregnancies WOULD GO DOWN IN A HEARTBEAT.

I concur with the other comments above, if you don't want to be a daddy, don't put your dick in a vagina.
Posted by lyllyth on September 13, 2011 at 10:35 PM · Report this
Eva Hopkins 27
Dan: wow, this is a 3 for 3, advice right out of the park. Sex advice. Not manners advice - though I realize that the two sometimes overlap. But man, I wish someone like you had been around to give advice to 16-year-old-me. I'm grateful that 26-year-old me discovered you & that you're still doing your thing.

See? Even an overweight feminist bisexual can not-rant at you, sometimes. ;)
Posted by Eva Hopkins http://www.lunamusestudios.com on September 13, 2011 at 10:24 PM · Report this
26
i've been watching a lot of japanese porn recently that's really girl-centric. a full 15 minutes of a 30 minute video is devoted to the guy getting the girl off before the penis is anywhere near the vagina. the girl seems really into it. of course they're not all perfect but a number of them are pretty damn good. i also like the idea that there are guys getting off on the same porn that gets me off. we all like the noises that happy girls make right?
Posted by metanymity on September 13, 2011 at 10:03 PM · Report this
Lil 25
@#2, no, paying child support is not optional. It's not that I don't get your argument. But here's how it goes. When a woman decides to engage in penetrative vaginal intercourse, she runs a minimal risk of getting pregnant if she is fertile. She therefore has a choice to make, and one she has hopefully pondered before hand. A man has the same choice to consider before he has sex, but it's not child support. It's whether or not he is willing to at the bare minimum support a child. I think it's a selfish, horrible viewpoint to think a man can wash his hands of financial responsibility if he doesn't want a kid. If he's not prepared to have a kid, then he should have a vasectomy plain and simple, and get retested for sperm count. Sex results in children more often than our best laid plans. So man the fuck up.
Posted by Lil on September 13, 2011 at 9:45 PM · Report this
24
I'm with the foot fetishist's boyfriend that these little games can make visits to the parents more endurable. You don't want to step over the line, but I think it's fun to edge up to it... We used to have sex in the bathroom, because it was the only door that locked. And discreetly play footsie under the table. Not to mention getting stoned on the back porch late at night... Good times...

For the virgin, I recommend blowjob games – stick other things in your mouth when your boyfriend is around (cucumbers, carrots, blowpops, thick markers), and lick and swirl your tongue around while looking him right in the eyes. This also works with your finger, his finger, his big toe if he's has nice clean feet. Then start touching his penis while you suck on his finger. Work your way up to licking and sucking his penis, and (like Dan said) don't worry about doing a perfect job, just treat it as a new game you can play with his fun toy.
Posted by EricaP on September 13, 2011 at 9:12 PM · Report this
23
Hi NCWTD,

NO PENIS NEAR VAGINA WITHOUT CONTRACEPTION!!!!

Use Dan's advice about the oral sex, and when ready, start with outercourse using a condom/contraception. When that goes well, cause if you're uncomfortable with oral it will be true for intercourse also, gently work on intercourse. Remember that sex isn't a race to fucking, necessarily, but a search for what feels best as a couple and as an individual. Practice makes perfect, including PRACTICING PRECAUTION. (And spend the money on good condoms; living with a torn condom was hell, and the morning after pill made my girlfriend sick as a dog. I didn't choose the condoms, my friend thought it would be funny to get the cheap bulk pack. Oops.)

You are at a very difficult age because you seem physically mature, but your brain isn't done forming till at least your early 20s. PIV sex is for making babies, and it is only a luxury that we can enjoy sex without that outcome. You risk serious consequences at a time when your mind most likely isn't ready for them.

Take care, and no always means no.

Peace.
Posted by Married in MA on September 13, 2011 at 9:09 PM · Report this
22
Regarding NCWTD where does the Sex Offender registry even enter this conversation? This sounds like two 16 year old kids exploring sex. Nothing criminal about it.
Posted by bc,chick on September 13, 2011 at 9:00 PM · Report this
Robin8 21
If NCWTD learns how to give head, maybe BF won't want intercourse for a while, until she's ready. NCWTD, you just got advice on sucking cock from an expert--I hope you appreciate the gift, and use it.
Posted by Robin8 http://shutyoureverlovingpiehole.wordpress.com on September 13, 2011 at 8:58 PM · Report this
20
No, but it's worth getting educated on before going ahead. Such cases do continue to make the news.
Posted by avast2006 on September 13, 2011 at 8:46 PM · Report this
19
People people people.... let's not get all hysterical about Sex Offender registries.
16 is the age of consent in most states (with a few exceptions) and most states specifically state that if you are within a certain peer-age frame (say 2 years) that sex is legal if consensual, even if younger than the age of consent. See: www.ageofconsent.us/

There's a lot of reasons for her to slow down and rethink this, but legal consequences are probably not one of them.
Posted by Kathy23 on September 13, 2011 at 8:26 PM · Report this
18 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
17
16 year old boy-girl sex? If it wasn't illegal to watch, it'd be WAY TOO FUCKING HOT to watch.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on September 13, 2011 at 8:22 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 16
Regarding age of consent. Per wikipedia:

age of consent 16 (31): Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Georgia, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia
age of consent 17 (8): Colorado, Illinois, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, New Mexico, New York, Texas
age of consent 18 (12): Arizona, California, Delaware, Florida, Idaho, North Dakota, Oregon, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming.

This article has details about each state's laws, such as whether 16 year olds would end up in the sex offender registry or not.
Posted by Matt from Denver on September 13, 2011 at 8:17 PM · Report this
Matt from Denver 15
@ NCWTD,

If you get pregnant, the chance that your BF is going to stick around is right around zero, so get that abortion guilt free.

That said, follow @ 9's advice - go to Planned Parenthood and get educated about birth control. In this day and age, women who don't want to be pregnant have no reason to get that way.
Posted by Matt from Denver on September 13, 2011 at 8:11 PM · Report this
14
Now, advice to NCWTD's boyfriend:

First, see prior post. If being on the Registered Sex Offender List sounds like a bad idea, refrain from sticking your dick in her until the pair of you are of legal age.

Second: you get a say in the abortion when you are the one who is pregnant. If you can't stand the idea of an abortion, stop sticking your dick in her, preferably until you are both legal, but at very least until you both are using reliable birth control.
Posted by avast2006 on September 13, 2011 at 8:08 PM · Report this
13
Men enduring pregnancy---I'd love to see that!! LOL!!!
Then the abortion clinics would outnumber the churches!
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 13, 2011 at 8:07 PM · Report this
12
Spot on, Dan, on NCWTD!!!

@7 & @8: Right on, too, Nellygirl!
Posted by auntie grizelda on September 13, 2011 at 8:05 PM · Report this
11
#2. Sure, let men make the choice (in exchange for reneging all their parental rights, obviously). See how that goes in a country that can't even guarantee women an hour off their job to give birth (or that they'll keep their job). Or prenatal and postnatal care. Or care for their child. Or affordable, reliable birth control.

Good luck with that. And ever having sex again.
Posted by Shazaam on September 13, 2011 at 8:04 PM · Report this
10
#2. Sure, let men make the choice (in exchange for reneging all their parental rights, obviously). See how that goes in a country that can't even guarantee women an hour off their job to give birth (or that they'll keep their job). Or prenatal and postnatal care. Or care for their child. Or affordable, reliable birth control.

Good luck with that. And ever having sex again.
Posted by Shazaam on September 13, 2011 at 8:03 PM · Report this
9
For NCWTD: first, the obligatory: You are too young to be legally having sex. (in many states.) Please be advised that you may be putting yourself at risk for legal consequences, and your boyfriend at risk for rather more serious legal consequences, like being required to register as a sex offender as a result of his conviction on statutory rape charges. (Said conviction being pretty much a foregone conclusion, after he likely gets you pregnant with his "probing" and you probably fail to manage the abortion without Mom and Dad finding out.)

No offense, but you are going about this with just about the amount of fail I would expect from a 16-year-old in her first relationship. If you don't intend to wait until you are legal, then get yourself to Planned Parenthood IMMEDIATELY, (like TOMORROW), get educated and get prepared. Until you are established on proper birth control, you are playing with fire.
Posted by avast2006 on September 13, 2011 at 8:02 PM · Report this
8
@ Atlas, the man makes his choice when he chooses not to wear a condom, or in this case to probe his teenage girlfriend. We all know that people are the possible outcome of sex. Abortion is a choice, sex is a choice and child support is an honour...it is an honour to take responsibility for your choices. The pittance the primary caregiver will receive in child support is a drop in a very large bucket of what it takes to raise a child.
.
Posted by Nellygirl on September 13, 2011 at 7:59 PM · Report this
7
@ Atlas, the man makes his choice when he chooses not to wear a condom, or in this case to probe his teenage girlfriend. We all know that people are the possible outcome of sex. Abortion is a choice, sex is a choice and child support is an honour...it is an honour to take responsibility for your choices. The pittance the primary caregiver will receive in child support is a drop in a very large bucket of what it takes to raise a child.
Posted by Nellygirl on September 13, 2011 at 7:56 PM · Report this
6

Just say no to sex with anti-choice douchnozzlery!
Posted by ctmcmull on September 13, 2011 at 7:49 PM · Report this
5
Oh Honey, I just wanna say. "Probing leads to f*@king. Probing leads to f*@king. Probing leads to f*@king." The pregnancy risk is that one of these times, he's just going to go for it and turn 'fooling around' into 'your first time'. And that's a great way to spend the rest of your life feeling anxious about sex. Either go ahead and decide to have full on sex, or talk to him about the fact that he is pushing the boundaries and has to stop. And if he continues, Dump Him!
Posted by Kathy23 on September 13, 2011 at 7:47 PM · Report this
4
A while ago I saw a young woman wearing a very short skirt, and my first thought was "she must be cold". So Dan, I feel your geriatric fashion pain.
Posted by James Hutchings on September 13, 2011 at 7:15 PM · Report this
3
NCWTD,

Start sucking his cock, you have a lifetime to perfect it.

As a young guy, he could cum suddenly while probing.
Posted by Hunter78 on September 13, 2011 at 7:03 PM · Report this
2
I think that NCWTD is right when she says she has the right to an abortion because, yes, she has to deal with it all. If it were the other way around, where the boyfriend wanted an abortion but the girlfriend didn't, the boyfriend should then have the right to choose to pay child support or not. If an abortion is a choice that women can make, then child support is a choice that men can make.
Posted by atlas on September 13, 2011 at 6:59 PM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 1
Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing, but I figure that if you're "probing" you may as well put a condom on and go for full-on fucking. Partial penetration is such a tease, for both parties.
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on September 13, 2011 at 6:56 PM · Report this

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