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Buzz Kill

January 22, 2009

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I love the wife I married two years ago, but she absolutely can't come unless she uses a vibrator on herself. She's asked me to let her use it during sex or for me to use it on her, but I've refused. It's bad enough knowing I can't compete with that thing without having to look at it.

Let's Insert My Prick

Yeah, yeah, LIMP, you can't compete. Like a lot of other men, you've fallen in love with a woman who needs intense, focused stimulation in order to come, the kind of sensation that hands, fingers, tongues, and cocks just can't provide—a woman who requires a vibrator. Now let's take a little time to grieve, shall we?

Time's up.

Now stop being such a douchebag about this, LIMP, and go ask the wife to show you just how to hold the vibrator and just where to apply pressure so that you—YOU!—can start giving her orgasms during sex. See the vibrator as a tool, moron, not a threat. If you love your wife and want her to stay married to you, LIMP, get on the proverbial stick. Because if being with you means going without orgasms during sex for the rest of her life—all because she was foolish enough to marry an insecure bag of slop who refuses to do what needs to be done to get her off—then your wife just might decide to be with someone else.

And now an important message for all straight guys everywhere: Some women need vibrators to get off. Why? Well, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that most of a woman's clitoral tissues are inside her body; the exposed part of her clitoris is just the tip, comparable to the head of your penis. Now imagine if the shaft of your penis were buried inside your body, guys. You might need the help of a vibrator to get off then, too; you might need a tool that could stimulate your shaft through layers of skin and muscle and fat. We've been over and over this since the early 1990s, fellas, and there's no excuse anymore for freaking out about your wife/girlfriend/mom needing a vibrator, okay?

But any ladies feeling smug about guys feeling insecure about your sex toys might want to check out RealTouch, a new sex toy for men. A self-lubricating, self-heating sex toy with gears and belts and bells and whistles, the RealTouch simulates—somehow or other—the sensations of twats, asses, and mouths, according to its manufacturers. It can be plugged into a computer and synced up with porn clips so that it speeds up, slows down, grips, whatever, in time with the speeding up, slowing down, gripping, and whatever that you're watching on the screen.

While I doubt a RealTouch is going to "make all of your fantasies come true" (unless you've always fantasized about getting your dick caught in a coked-up Dust Buster), it looks like we're one step closer to those sexbots we've heard so much about. We're certainly closer to sex toys for men that women are going to feel like they have a hard time competing with. (I know, ladies, yes. But the internet isn't technically a sex toy.)

Now, I haven't placed my cock in a RealTouch, so I'm not vouching for it. I'm also not remotely interested in trying out a first- generation RealTouch, because I don't want the thing going all Westworld on me with my cock jammed inside it. (Readers under the age of 35 might want to ask someone over 35 to explain the Westworld reference.) So please don't send me one, manufacturers. But anyone out there who has tried one and lived to tell the tale, I'd like to hear from you at

I'm 19 years old and gay and a virgin. Now I've met a guy I kind of like. He's hot, great body. He wanted to fuck me, to be my first, the night we met, but I'm not sure I want to have anal sex. He insisted that we didn't need to use a condom, since I'm a virgin and he's "clean," and got kind of upset when I tried to say no. I'm going to see him again, and I don't think I'll be able to make the same excuse again. (I told him I wasn't feeling "empty" enough to do it that night.) What do I say to get him to use condoms? I don't want to drive him off, because he's really hot. But I don't want to be unsafe or get HIV or even have anal sex right now.

Just Out Newbie

We've covered this issue before, too, JON—but, gee, the last time I answered a letter from a gay kid in your situation was, um, when you were 12. But the advice I gave Bright Kid, Big City back then still applies now, so here it goes:

Look, JON, any faggot who wants to fuck you in the ass without a condom is the LAST PERSON ON EARTH you should be having sex with—anal or otherwise, condoms or no condoms. Guys who pressure you into having sex without condoms are having or have had unsafe sex with other people, which means that they're either infected already or will be shortly. If you don't want to get infected, your best course of action when a guy pressures you into having sex without condoms—or any kind of sex you're not comfortable with—is to pull up your pants and leave.

And since you're not particularly interested in anal sex right now, JON, I'd urge you to tell the guys you do go home with that you're just not up for getting fucked. An aversion to anal sex when you're young and just out and easily manipulated is something you should hold on to, JON, even cultivate. Skipping anal sex during your great-big-slut, just-coming-out, making-your-mistakes phase will greatly reduce your risk of contracting HIV and a host of other STIs. Then one day, with luck, you'll meet a nice, decent guy, also hot, who wants to take things slow—a guy who isn't a manipulative, selfish, barebacking piece of shit. And when you meet that guy, JON, you can explore anal with someone who cares about you enough to take it slow and wear condoms.

Anal sex, despite the impression created by HIV "prevention" materials you may have encountered, should not be a first-date activity. Reserve your asshole for guys you're serious about, JON, and for guys who are serious about you. The hot motherfucker you're seeing right now isn't worthy. Walk away.

Rick Warren is really fat, so maybe "saddlebacking" could be a new name for the act we chub chasers call belly fucking, which is a stupid name. Basically, saddlebacking would be straddling your fat mate and then humping his belly until you come all over his face and chest.

Love Guys' Big Tummies

Sorry, LGBT, but the nominating process is closed. Volunteers are counting the votes and recounting the votes and double-checking the votes—it's fucking Minnesota around here. Right now, two definitions are neck and neck: It looks like "saddlebacking" is either going to be "gay anal sex with a condom (the opposite of barebacking)" or "a term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities." Results next week!


Comments (161) RSS

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Love the advice, as usual, Dan!

I vote for gay anal sex with a condom. Just makes so much more sense! We should find a different name for the "virgins".
Posted by Fallen85 on January 21, 2009 at 10:29 AM · Report this
Great advice to LIMP. My wife also only orgasms w/a vibrator, and I not only bought her first one, I've been the one to suggest new ones. Coming to bed and seeing it laid out, plugged in, and thoughtfully pre-warmed is by far the best foreplay we've discovered. And a threat? Hell no. The more she sees that I"m comfortable with whatever makes her feel good, the more comfortable she is with the reverse. And isn't that the definition of a good sex life?
Posted by not limp! on January 21, 2009 at 10:30 AM · Report this
don't be boring, dan. saddlebacking is definitely "a term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities."
Posted by dmo on January 21, 2009 at 10:33 AM · Report this
Nominations may be closed, but in the spirit of vote early (late?), vote often I'd like to cast my extra vote for the Christian teens definition. It is a far better fit, and we've needed a word for that for sometime.
Posted by inaugurated on January 21, 2009 at 10:44 AM · Report this
LIMP just needs one of those combo cock ring/vibes so he feels like he's part of it. That should help his insecurity. (And also, those things are awesome!)
Posted by beth on January 21, 2009 at 10:50 AM · Report this
Good response to LIMP.
Great response to JON. I hope he listens to you. In fact I hope everyone no matter their sexual orientation listens to you. Pressuring for sex isn't sex its abuse.
Posted by kim on January 21, 2009 at 10:54 AM · Report this
As always - you are right, Dan...

LIMP needs to remove the blinders and become an unselfish, REAL man!
Posted by Just Anji on January 21, 2009 at 11:11 AM · Report this
christian ass fucking! thats it!
Posted by hooray on January 21, 2009 at 11:12 AM · Report this
I agree with DMO. The other choice int he neck and neck, although very rational, is boring. We want it to offend Rick the Dick Warren and his bigoted Christian friends. I mean bigoted as their are some fine Christians out there.
Posted by Random Writer on January 21, 2009 at 11:23 AM · Report this
I am well under 35 and got the Westworld reference. Thanks, Simpsons DVD commentaries!
Posted by MySpoonIsTooBig on January 21, 2009 at 11:25 AM · Report this
What do you mean volunteers are counting votes? I thought you guys had set up some email rules or something... Of course, that's assuming everyone wrote the subject line as indicated.
Posted by I Voted on January 21, 2009 at 11:36 AM · Report this
What about your advice to never masturbate the same way each time? I think that was great advice to men so they aren't hooked on being stimulated only one way, it would probably also apply to women. If she masturbated in various ways (I know, it will be tough for her too), she might be able to get off on LIMP?
Posted by been there on January 21, 2009 at 11:36 AM · Report this
I'm only 25 and don't see why you have reservations about the Real Touch, Dan. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
Posted by rustdyed on January 21, 2009 at 11:37 AM · Report this
I think the issues with vibrators is more complex.

I know a women who, before she had ever used a vibrator, could cum from intercourse and now, after getting used to a vibrator (Hitachi Magic Wand) she can't.

What about that situation? And what does the women do if she wants to return to being able to have orgasmic sex on camping trips and so on?

What is going on? Is it re-calibrating the sensitivity of the clit?

Once again, Dan finds a way to attack the straight-white-male in the situation, as he always does, instead of attacking the question.
Posted by Psilly Cybin on January 21, 2009 at 11:37 AM · Report this
My thoughts on JON: As a married man myself, if your wife is still interested in getting off you're a lucky man. Exploring toys for yourself is one option but you should also find some ways to stay engaged while she's doing the deed. Maybe have her suck you off or jack yourself off at the same time? Or try watching porn together while she's doing the deed. If you give it a try maybe she'll willing, and horny, enough to try something you've always wanted to do yourself.

Regarding Dan's advice, not bad either.
Posted by Jon needs to GGG on January 21, 2009 at 11:48 AM · Report this
Damn! Reading this column just cost me $150. I'll let you know how the testing comes out.

Also, Xian buttseks is THE definition.
Posted by PeeJ on January 21, 2009 at 12:06 PM · Report this
Even if the woman doesn't need a vibrator to come; it still doesn't hurt a guy to learn how to use one with her. Some nights a guy just isn't in the mood, and a vibrator quickie is a nice way to participate. A bit like a handjob when the woman isn't in the mood, but doesn't want her guy to feel neglected.
Posted by SpookyCat on January 21, 2009 at 12:07 PM · Report this
I'm straight and I fucked my hot (girl)friend in the ass (with a condom) yesterday...her reaction is way more exciting than my physical pleasure, but I do love it! I know the voting is closed, but I vote for the Christian teen thing. I promise Rick Warren and other Christian freaks that the act is definitley sex. Btw, my father is a Revrend in the Anglican Church....I bet he fucks his second wife in the ass too!
Posted by Geoffrey on January 21, 2009 at 12:10 PM · Report this
I am baffled why people are so supportive of the definition of saddlebacking being uprotected anal sex between Christian teens in the interest of preserving their virginities.

The irony will be lost on them surely. I think the support for the definition does not really stem from an intent to insult Warren but merely a smug, egotistical attempt to bask in that dramatic irony, as well as to expand the targets beyond Warren which is really quite unnecessary.

I don't really have respect for that, at all.

I'm sure Warren might even support the definition.

If you're courageous enough to insult Warren and have him feel that insult, the very presence of the words "gay" and "condom" in the other definition should do it.
Posted by Protected gay anal sex for "saddlebacking"! on January 21, 2009 at 12:11 PM · Report this
Psilly Cybin, where, oh where did you get the idea that the writer is white? Or that Dan was addressing only white men? Or is it that you erroneously believe that only white men are threatened by vibrators? Or do you believe that vibrators are a common sex tool for those of Asian, African, Pacific Islanders, etc descent but never have been part of the lexicon of Caucasians, ergo the writer must be white? What dismal twisted thinking did it take to draw that conclusion? Learn to logic, man (i.e. the old hippie way of referring to all hominids, not men specifically)!
Posted by HadIt on January 21, 2009 at 12:14 PM · Report this
... and, of course, it also makes logical sense.
Posted by Protected gay anal sex for "saddlebacking"! on January 21, 2009 at 12:14 PM · Report this
Oops...almost forgot my girl also uses toys all the time and I am lucky enough to use them on her too. She can O pretty easily from my efforts alone, but the over-the-top reaction she displays when toys are involved is beyond anything that I've ever seen!! I love it..definitely adds to the excitement
Posted by Geoffrey on January 21, 2009 at 12:15 PM · Report this
@ Psilly Cybin: Not being a man, I don't know if your orgasms come in the various grades that ours do. The argument postulated by some (and I'm not suggesting you're one of them) that an orgasm is an orgasm isn't true. The female orgasm can be graded on a pleasure scale from a 1 to a 10. In the case of the woman you know, it is highly possible that her "best" orgasms come from the vibrator, and she didn't know this until she used one. Saying she "can't" orgasm from intercourse now is probably easier to say than trying to explain that she has better orgasms from the vibrator.

It is also possible among women, especially young ones, to believe they've orgasmed when they have not. There isn't a clear physical sign for female orgasm as there is for male (i.e, you guys ejaculate; we don't). I was sexually active for three years before I had an orgasm, and while I enjoyed intercourse, I didn't realize that I wasn't actually getting off on it. Once you've had one for real, it's a hard thing to give up, and a woman's partner should respect that. While she has a responsibility to see to his needs, he also needs to see to hers, and if a vibrator will help LIMP's wife to fully enjoy sex, becoming comfortable with using it to please her is not an unreasonable demand.

Also, about this:

"Once again, Dan finds a way to attack the straight-white-male in the situation, as he always does, instead of attacking the question."

What part of LIMP's e-mail signaled to you that he's white?
Posted by Heatherly on January 21, 2009 at 12:19 PM · Report this
The REAL question is, why would LIMP's wife marry the douche in the first place when she knew what a self-centered, paranoid and insecure piece of shit he is? What does she do after you come, LIMP, lie there, wide awake, staring at the ceiling wishing you gave a rats ass?
Ladies, why do we stay with guys we HOPE will change? AAARGH!
Posted by beanie on January 21, 2009 at 12:21 PM · Report this
How do you know she was coming during intercourse, Psilly Cybin? Because she told you? Maybe she was lying.
Posted by Missy on January 21, 2009 at 12:23 PM · Report this
Good response to LIMP! It's a choice between making your wife happy so she wants to fuck you or choosing your wittle bitty ego...which is going to fuck you too, but not the way you want. Grow up and get over it.
Posted by Nix on January 21, 2009 at 12:23 PM · Report this
You can take a vibrator with you when you go camping. They're called batteries.

Anyone know how well a vibrator would go over in carryon luggage at an airport? What about one of those that is disguised as something else (like liptstick)?
Posted by Handle on January 21, 2009 at 12:27 PM · Report this
Posted by Heatherly on January 21, 2009 at 12:36 PM · Report this
Riiiight, the poor husband is being wronged by Dan, because Dan holds MUTUAL sexual pleasure to be the gold standard instead of a man's penis insecurities being the paramount concern. And that's all this is, some guy who thinks his dick is all-powerful having a temper tantrum when it's not.

If it were a woman (who's not in a dom/sub relationship) denying her husband something simple and safe which was the only way he got off in bed Dan would be smacking the woman for not being GGG. As he should.

But WTF, why would a woman marry such a selfish insecure clown?! DTMFA is a whole lot easier when courts don't get involved.
Posted by Nic on January 21, 2009 at 12:39 PM · Report this
Butt-fucking teens! Butt-fucking teens!
Posted by CQ on January 21, 2009 at 12:51 PM · Report this
@Heatherly-- an Xray machine is going to be able to tell what it is one way or another, right? So I'm wondering whether the security people would take it away.
Posted by Handle on January 21, 2009 at 12:56 PM · Report this
Isn't having sex WITH a condom a POSITIVE thing? As such, I really don't think it's suited to the term 'saddlebacking'!!
Posted by dlh on January 21, 2009 at 1:17 PM · Report this
33 Comment Pulled
so, Dan admits to being over 35?
Posted by westworld on January 21, 2009 at 1:39 PM · Report this
I mean bigoted as ther[e] are some fine Christians out there.
Posted by random spell-chequer on January 21, 2009 at 1:55 PM · Report this
I know that "saddlebacking" as anal sex with a condom makes sense as the opposite of barebacking, but it doesn't make sense in the context of this redefinintion of the word. I thought the whole point was to associate the term, and through it Rev. Warren, not with something that he simply finds distasteful (ie gay and/or anal sex) but with something particular and humiliating to him, ie the failure of the sex "education" program he supports. Even if the votes don't go in its favor, I will still use the term to refer to Christian teens "saving" their virginity by having anal sex, and I hope others will too!
Posted by SMN on January 21, 2009 at 1:57 PM · Report this

Whether women ejaculate or not is debatable. Unfortunately, there have been very few studies concerning female sexuality.

Personally, I have experienced it and I've had three lovers that have ejaculated all over me a number of times. And it was not urine nor lubrication...more watery.

Hope you experience it
Posted by Robin in PA on January 21, 2009 at 1:58 PM · Report this
There's a better term for the Christian teens anal sex thing, on Jezebel it's referred to as "The Poophole Loophole".
Posted by baconbaconbacon on January 21, 2009 at 2:08 PM · Report this
Vibrators aren't really a security problem. I'm sure the airlines get their share of Toys in baggage.

Just take the batteries out before you pack the thing. If it gets turned on somehow, you bet your boots someone will be checking for the buzzing sound.
Posted by Suki on January 21, 2009 at 2:22 PM · Report this
I'm going for the Xian teen definition. Why make it a term that is something gays do regularly? It would make it a positive word.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on January 21, 2009 at 2:23 PM · Report this
i don't blame LIMP for feeling threatened, but he needz to get over himself. you gotta be totally in synch with your spouse, and he doesn't sound like he's trying. maybe if he stopped being so defensive, she'd feel more at ease and wouldn't need a vibe as religiously.

am i the only one who's creeped out who found "not limp's" "thoughtfully pre-warmed" phrase totally creepy?
Posted by coljack on January 21, 2009 at 2:28 PM · Report this
@ Handle: Nope, doesn't usually come up in x-rays. But Suki's right--you absolutely MUST take the batteries out. Also, put it in your checked luggage instead of your carry-on, since that's far less likely to be searched.

If you Google "traveling with sex toys," you can find a couple different good articles on the topic.
Posted by Heatherly on January 21, 2009 at 2:47 PM · Report this
@ Robin: Okay. I know some women have experienced it, but I'd never gotten the impression it was very common. (Bearing in mind that, as you say, there is limited research on it, and in my personal microcosm of friends and aquaintances, nobody has. Or at least nobody who will talk about it.)
Posted by Heatherly on January 21, 2009 at 2:48 PM · Report this
Guys, the whole point of sex is that both parties get off...and since women can usually get off a hell of a lot more often than we can you should be trying to get her off 5 times instead of crying because she wants to get off one time.
Good advice as usual
Posted by Diabalein Avidyia on January 21, 2009 at 2:53 PM · Report this
LIMP might want to think of the vibe as something that frees him up to focus on other aspects of sex. I use a vibe every time I fuck my husband and he loves it because he can focus on his own orgasm and blowing my mind with different penetration depths and speeds. Dunno about your wife, LIMP, but the orgasms I have with the vibe alone have nothing on the ones I get from vibe plus my husband's moves.
Posted by uhhnananana on January 21, 2009 at 3:11 PM · Report this
i'm the female sub in a Dom/ sub relationship. Before meeting my Dom, i could only cum from a vibrator or a shower massager. He took those options away from me and started experimenting with fingers, fists, and tongue. Really, it didn't take too long before i started to cum from those ways. Not saying you're wrong Dan, in that some women need more intense stimulation, just in my case ( and perhaps others) you learn one way and it becomes the no fail, reliable Holy grail and a belief develops that there are no other ways that will work. i'm not saying that the time it takes has lessened, but i'm certainly happy to have other options when allowed.
Posted by saralee on January 21, 2009 at 3:17 PM · Report this
I love how people try to "interpret" more from what a person writes by PROJECTING themselves into the issue...thanks for trying though.

As for my comment - it was just that, a comment. If there is a way to insult a straight-male, Dan does it...the "white" part was just another semiot in the list...its just a type...there was nothing in the letter about being white....

But, my comment is my comment - if there is a straight man, or a straight white man, mentioned anywhere in a letter to Dan, he finds a way to attack that person - even if they are just a tangent in the story.
Posted by Psilly Cybin on January 21, 2009 at 3:42 PM · Report this
Saralee - exactly, there's so much more to this than what Dan seems to understand - and gee, is that a surprise? How much experience does he have using vibrators on women?
Posted by Psilly Cybin on January 21, 2009 at 3:43 PM · Report this
I loved you advice for LIMP and also had the same thought as Beth...there are cock rings that vibrate, turning and dick into vibrating, clit-stimulating treasure.
Posted by savage fan on January 21, 2009 at 3:46 PM · Report this
Heatherly - you obviously put some thought into your post, but that's not it. She knew what an orgasm was, she felt like she got used to the Hitachi and no matter how much you tried, she couldn't do it any other way anymore....

And, yes, there are vibrators that run on batteries, but anyone suggesting that has never tried the Magic Wand, clearly...
Posted by Psilly Cybin on January 21, 2009 at 3:48 PM · Report this
Thanks for your comments to LIMP, Dan. I thought the word was out on this, but I keep running into naive boys. For all those interested in anatomy and the misogynistic idea that women always get off with sex, Elisabeth Lloyd's book "The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution" does a nice job.
Posted by resolutecuriosity on January 21, 2009 at 4:12 PM · Report this
Great advice, Dan.
Posted by commentz on January 21, 2009 at 4:18 PM · Report this
If limp's wife laid off the vibrator she might be able to come via fingers or tongue, or maybe a finger/ cock combo. Just like vulcan death grip, guys use on their dicks, women can become "dulled" to anything less than high speed action.
Posted by oolongtee on January 21, 2009 at 4:29 PM · Report this
I think Dan's right about the whole vibe thing. I went 18 years without an orgasm until I could buy a one, and it wasn't for lack of trying. After thirty minutes of rubbing all different ways with increasingly numb fingers, I'd just give up. PIV sex and oral were fun, but there was no build-up.

Every woman's different. Some cum in a lot of ways, others don't. I've heard that you can retrain yourself into cuming without a vibe if you used to be able to beforehand, just by not using it for weeks then masturbating when the sexual tension's just too high. If you're like me, though, experiment with other stimulation but don't expect more. A lot of women get angry at their bodies when they can't come the 'right' way- whether it's non-vibe clitoral stimulation or PIV sex or whatever. If you try to get rid of those expectations and just have fun then it's actually more likely that you'll cum. If not, at least you're having a good time!

Sex should be mutually satisfying and if one partner's not trying then he/she needs to learn some respect for their partner.
Posted by Maggie on January 21, 2009 at 4:34 PM · Report this
If LIMP doesn't want to try a cock ring, he and his wife could try using her vibrator on her clit while he's penetrating her. My husband and I do this and it makes for mind-blowing orgasms- it's especially good doggie-style. It does cut down on cuddle-time because after climaxing that hard, I'm asleep two minutes later. My husband does not consider that a negative.
Posted by (Very) Satisfied Wife on January 21, 2009 at 5:16 PM · Report this
I think the term LGBT is looking for is "saddlebagging" the belly and back fat can sure resemble a saddle bag. Don't you agree?
Posted by enna leon on January 21, 2009 at 5:55 PM · Report this
I'm 32 and didn't get the Westworld reference. But I watched the preview on Netflix - awesome in its cheesyness! Perhaps it was an early draft of Jurassic Park?

LIMP needs to sack up. What a schlub. "Ooooh so scary - a SEX TOY in bed!" I'm surprised, Dan, that you didn't drop the "I wonder how many of your ex's were faking" trip on him.
Posted by Dan on January 21, 2009 at 6:12 PM · Report this
The comment by Heatherly is right on! Orgasms are not an on/off switch, more like a dimmer.

At certain times of the month its not as easy to come during intercourse. And its more complicated with a partner because for me, sex is also emotionally charged. Feminist theories aside, I try but I can't help it. Any little thing the guy does can become really offputting and if you're not atune to each other or your own body, it all leads to frustation-ville, population: you. Ug, guys, you have no idea how easy you've got it.
Posted by i(heart)westworld on January 21, 2009 at 6:21 PM · Report this
As a straight female who often has difficulty reaching orgasm, I absolutely love when my boyfriend says "where's your toy?". Our sex life is hotter and more satisfying than anything I could have imagined, and the fact that he enjoys playing as much as I do means I have far more orgasms than I have ever had with any of my previous partners (who were either afraid of toys or just too boring to try them out).

Thanks, Dan, for letting LIMP know that he's being a ridiculous wimp!
Posted by Candz on January 21, 2009 at 6:26 PM · Report this
Yeah, the whole point is to get off. Does it really matter how? Vibrators are pretty tame compared to the stuff usually featured here. Come on straight guys, be better lovers. Vibrators make sex awesome for women but is obviously not a replacement. The proof is that they still want you there- duh, and are having sex with you!!!!!!
Posted by somafree on January 21, 2009 at 6:32 PM · Report this
Given that anal sex with a condom (as opposed to without one) has connotations of conscientiousness and maturity, Rick Warren should count himself lucky if that one wins. Come onnnnn number 5!!!
Posted by HKC on January 21, 2009 at 6:36 PM · Report this
"seeing it laid out, plugged in, and thoughtfully pre-warmed..." That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard !

"Penis-only" has never done it for me. When I have been close a sigh or comments like "get it ! get it!" just kill it for me.

You may enjoy my orgasm but just remember that it is for me...whatever it takes.
Posted by Sherree on January 21, 2009 at 7:32 PM · Report this
To Psilly: WTF? Do you even read Dan's columns on a regular basis? There are several columns where he clearly takes the straight man's side and/or insults a female or a gay man--stop being so defensive and consider his point. All he is saying is that the guy should be flexible about using sex toys, since for *some* women, that is what they need to enjoy sex.

I agree with some of the posts here that say that it is good to explore alternate methods (hands, tongue, etc.) to achieve orgasm, but if after two years she still needs the vibe, so be it. There are worse problems (if one even wants to call this a problem, which I do not think I would unless the wife is unhappy about it) to have.

And as for saddleback--go #5!
Posted by Allyson on January 21, 2009 at 7:45 PM · Report this
#4 "To saddleback is to rail against gay sex in public while secretly indulging in the same in private. Ted Haggard? Total saddlebacker. Larry Craig? Saddlebacker. Rick Warren? Probably a saddlebacker."

I'm changing my vote to this one. Hypocritical Cristian Closet Case. Perfect.
Posted by Y.F. on January 21, 2009 at 8:43 PM · Report this
Hey Dan- really like the colunm- wanted to say you are spot on with JON- anal virgin who had guy want to do him bareback first time out. He doesn't need to see him again no matter how "HOT" he might be. I came out in '74 in the Castro and gave it up to the first trick who wanted it- to much regret. When I've hooked up with guys who were anal curious but hadn't done it I always advised them to wait for someone special for the first time- if they are worth giving it up for they'll be willing to wait.
Also suggested they not say they were virgins as too many guys just want to be "first"- just say you aren't into getting it up the ass- if they can't deal then they aren't very sexually imaginative anyway. Keep up the good work and I hope you don't get a bunch of comments saying you are not "sex positive" or following the het model- a cherry is a terrible thing to waste! Ron
Posted by Ron on January 21, 2009 at 8:59 PM · Report this
It took me 28 years to get brave enough to tell my sexual partners that I couldn't come from penetration alone. Until then, I either didn't know myself what it took to have the big fire and light show or was too worried about my partner's reaction to the news that actually a penis in my pussy wasn't going to do it. So I faked and faked and faked and faked.

Then I saw a stand-up comedian whose routine included a gag, the gist of which was "Why do women fake orgasms? Who cares?!"

I haven't faked a single orgasm for 15 years but I am sad about the time I wasted pretending. Never confessed to any of the partners that I faked and, if they could tell that I was, no one was saying.

The available research seems to suggest that at least 70% of women cannot come from penetration alone and for lots of those, a vibrator is the easiest and most satisfactory way to get the necessary clitoral stimulation.

As it happens I am not that fond of vibrators - tends to be one bang for my buck out of them before I get bored and the returns diminish dramatically to 'nyah'; hitachi magic included.

This does not make me a white-man-hating radical, Psilly. It does make me a 40 year old woman having the kind of mind-blowing sex that I dreamed about in my 20s.

Sex without climax is a pale frustrating shadow of sex with, why would you want to inflict that on your partner?
Posted by Finally getting it on January 21, 2009 at 9:02 PM · Report this
Word up, Marrena Lindberg and her pro-pussy fish oil diet! It seriously works . . .
Posted by Now I can come lots o' ways on January 21, 2009 at 9:19 PM · Report this
I didn't orgasm until I bought my first vibrator, and it took three years of regularly using the vibrator to learn how to orgasm with manual stimulation, and now I'm pretty happy either way. I wonder if LIMP's wife can get herself off without the vibrator? If not, that's probably a good place to start.
Posted by Zannah on January 21, 2009 at 9:51 PM · Report this
Don't understand guys like LIMP. Its about both of you getting off together, not winning her over with your magic crank.

I read up and bought my wife the Hitachi Magic Wand (and pretty much every other sex toy we own) early on in our marriage. Especially after having kids it is hard for her to come without direct stimulation.

Side benefit is that while she's buzzing herself I can do whatever I want with the rest of her body and be a bit more selfish (not quite the right word) about my pleasure instead of worrying if I'm doing it right.
Posted by catch the buzz on January 21, 2009 at 11:03 PM · Report this
I vote we call saddlebacking Christians "Technical Knocked-Ups"


Get it? Get it?
Posted by Anton on January 21, 2009 at 11:53 PM · Report this
Agreed that womens' orgasms are more like a dimmer then an on/off switch... and of course hormones play a HUGE part as well!

Before our son was born, I would cum multiple times from penetration alone, but until he started nursing less I could NOT come w/o continuous, direct stimulation- either the showerhead or a vibe. It was awful- I thought I was broken forever! Thankfully my husband was happy to do whatever it took for me to enjoy sex (and his GGG-ness was probably more helpful then the vibe itself at helping me cum), and once baby was eating more solids I was back to my former vixen self. In all the lit I'd read about being ready for baby, this was never mentioned as a possibility!

Also, it's true that lots of young women think they've come when they haven't- I had thought the same thing. In hindsight, what I thought was the O was merely the buildup- it felt good, but I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. That said, my now-husband damn near had to scrape me off the ceiling after our first time... it was like suddenly being able to see the world in color. In other words, if you have to ask, she probably didn't come.

So yes, the female O is an amazing thing- and a truly good lover appreciates that bringing a woman to climax is an art form. Too bad more men don't have the patience or self-confidence to learn...

Oh, and Xtian butsecks for the win.
Posted by SeattleMama on January 21, 2009 at 11:56 PM · Report this
With my last partner I needed a vibrator to come. With my current partner I don't. Sex toys are great, but when you can't get off without them it could be because you're not that turned on by your partner.
Posted by Roz on January 22, 2009 at 12:34 AM · Report this
There's already a term for young Christians who engage in any sex act aside from vaginal intercourse- 'technical virgins.'
Posted by e in az on January 22, 2009 at 2:34 AM · Report this
I take antidepressants, which have the side effects of "pleasureless orgasms, genital anesthesia, and inability to orgasm". I have no libido issue, but it does take a damn strong vibrator to get me off (new research indicates Viagra may help women with these problems due to antidepressants!).

My pre-op MTF girlfriend doesn't feel threatened when I have to use a vibrator while we're having sex. She understands that it's the only way I can have 110% enjoyment, rather than the 100% I get without it.

Plus, an orgasm with a vibrator by myself is not anywhere near as enjoyable as one with a vibrator and my girl. She's still very much an important part of the equation.
Posted by Abby Spice on January 22, 2009 at 4:11 AM · Report this
Dan's advice to JON is right on. Straight virgin girls benefit from the same advice. Funny how everything old is new again. When I was a teen, boys used that age-old line on me, "If you really loved me, you'd do it without a rubber." I'm sure other women reading this have heard that line, too. I was resolute. And eventually the boy realized I wasn't budging, and he cracked his wallet and spent the measly dollar for the condom. JON's in the same situation. Same meat, different gravy.

"If you really loved me" is boy code for "I'm not thinking of your feelings, only mine." By the way, JON could remind his partner that HIV isn't the only STD he's worried about. If the date won't compromise, it's time for JON to DTMFA. There are lots of hot guys out there.
Posted by Robin on January 22, 2009 at 4:17 AM · Report this
a) How widespread is the phenomenon?... b) are the rates of new infections zero or nearly zero for sex partners taking part in the phenomenon?... of the strategy of "Let's get tested TOGETHER BEFORE we have sex, for A VARIETY of STDs." Sexual health checkups reduce ambiguity and can be like anything else POTENTIAL sex partners do together.
Posted by thezak on January 22, 2009 at 4:18 AM · Report this
As for LIMP, I thought we were over all that vaginal/clitoral orgasm shit. He doesn't mention whether he tried licking her clit. I smell something missing in his story. It sounds more to me like he wants her to climax just from penetration. Either way, take it from me, Dan is dead on when he observes that if she doesn't get her needs met at home, there are plenty of men (and women) out there who are willing to oblige.
Posted by Robin on January 22, 2009 at 4:20 AM · Report this
Dan, I really enjoy your column but I sometimes wonder who your intended audience is. You have good advice for LIMP but is it really _for_ him? I wouldn't listen to anyone calling me a douche or a bag of slop no matter what they had to say. This would be particularly true if I was sexually insecure and made myself vulnerable by asking for help.

Do you want to advise people or is your column like reality TV: tune in and feel superior to the folks who put themselves out there to be humiliated. I don't believe you intend it that way. Of course it's great that you are so frank with people. And as I said your advice is very good. It's just that your delivery style can make me cringe.
Posted by kresblamania on January 22, 2009 at 5:07 AM · Report this
C H R I S T I A N     A S S     F U C K I N G !
Posted by Eddy968 on January 22, 2009 at 6:55 AM · Report this
LIMP: my vibrator-loving wife uses it often both before and during sex. I know that she's (almost) guaranteed satusfaction, which takes a lot of pressure off and means I know she loves our sex life as much as I do.

Plus, there's a selfish reason, too: because she is pretty much guaranteed satisfaction she's given me the go to do basically indulge all of my kinks. Win-win!
Posted by selfish bastard on January 22, 2009 at 7:47 AM · Report this
If we use the word "saddlebacking" for anal sex with a condom, then "saddlebacking" becomes something GOOD and RIGHT, something all gay men SHOULD be doing. I thought the idea was to humiliate rather than praise Mr. Warren.
Posted by muzyqman on January 22, 2009 at 9:08 AM · Report this
Why should Saddlebacking be Number Five?
President Obama has said that we must overcome our partisan grudges and work together. Surely, having Mr. Warren deliver the inaugural benediction was an example of this spirit.
I am a lifelong resident of western Pennsylvania, and when something so universally disgusting as santorun was named after someone so personally disgusting as Rick, I cheered, I jeered, but this is provocation, this is the mere sticking out of tongues.
There is nothing disgusting about anal sex (except for the occasional avoidable santorum.) All may partake, giving and receiving; it is the most democratic of sex acts. Let us not mock these teens who wish to preserve their notional virginity, saving penis-vagina sex for after marriage. Imagine, if you will a generation of young hetero Christians whose first sexual experiences include the very act which so many bigots deem unnatural. They will grow up. They will be the leaders of their churches one day, and these explorers on the outer edges of Christianity, these Asstopher Columbuses, these Amerigo Buttspuccis, they will be our friends.
Posted by mike on January 22, 2009 at 9:18 AM · Report this
Why would women feel smug over men's insecurities concerning their sex toys?

Men don't feel smug over women's insecurities concerning , well, everything.
Posted by hmmm on January 22, 2009 at 9:23 AM · Report this
Here's a summary: Roughly 30 years ago, Michael Crichton wrote Westworld, a story about a theme park where things suddenly go haywire and the park's attractions, robots in this case, start killing everyone. If that sounds exactly like the plot of Jurassic Park with robots instead of dinosaurs, it's because it is. If that makes Michael Crichton sound like a hack writer who constantly reuses the same plots hoping nobody will notice, it's because he was! Plus scientists are all amoral douchebags, and science itself is a really bad idea that will get us all killed. In every book.

Let's all take a moment to thank Michael Crichton for finally passing away, and taking the anti-science fiction genre with him!
Posted by Jeremy on January 22, 2009 at 11:04 AM · Report this
Our LIMP related issue is not me but her. Wifie often needs the warm touch of Mr. Hitachi to get her off but is too insecure to let me watch. Since you're into movie references, I get the "6th Sense"ish "Stop looking at me!" when it's her turn. Sheesh.
Posted by Horny and Real Distracted on January 22, 2009 at 11:21 AM · Report this
Dude, "barebacking" does not just refer to gay anal sex. People use it to refer to vagtastic sex too.
Posted by violet_dagrinder on January 22, 2009 at 11:34 AM · Report this
LIMP pisses me off.

I would kill for my wife to ask to use a vib during sex. I bought her one, and she uses it ALONE. I am not allowed to touch her vagina with anything but my dick - missionary style - lights out. I bought a ring - "No, it will fall off in me". For her, foreplay is "Okay, I will take my shirt off this time." Almost unbelievably, outside the bedroom, our marriage is pretty good - 17 years and 2 kids. We get along and work well together. Inside - the bare minimum. She says "it isn't you, I love you. I just don't like to do anything else other than the very basics". Before marriage - all sorts of fun sex and spontaneity. After marriage - BORING. The reality is that this is pretty common. And yeah, I am mad about it and I resent it. Is that going to help things? No. Will I leave her or cheat? No. I guess that means this is what life has to offer.

LIMP, you don't know how lucky you are, STFU!
Posted by PLEASE!!!!!! on January 22, 2009 at 12:57 PM · Report this
LIMP can go "hands free"! Bought my GF a "We-Vibe" [] for the holidays. It is worn inside and on top. Both parties can enjoy the vibes!
Posted by L Found on January 22, 2009 at 2:56 PM · Report this
Dan, PLEASE don't go with the first definition! No healthy person wants to saddleback someone they care for. Giving saddleback this meaning will either cause the word to not catch on or make using condoms that much less sexy.
Posted by facet on January 22, 2009 at 3:11 PM · Report this
Oh fucking bullshit!

I had a girlfriend that used to need a vibrator, until a therapist told her to put the damn thing away - for as long as it took to come with a REAL DICK and tongue inside of her. Took about 2 weeks - to frustrating weeks for her, mind you, but she never went back to her plastic battery operated shit, and we started having a normal sex life, whatever that is.

I don't buy this bullshit that human beings have been around since the dawn of time and some chick needs a device made ten years ago to get off. Bullshit.

If I masturbate long enough on my own, a real pussy is too sensitive for me, so I stop masturbating as much when I'm dating. Use your common sense, damn it!
Posted by Super Long Lasting on January 22, 2009 at 3:34 PM · Report this
Let me add my voice to the chorus of women who *thought* they were having orgasms before I got my first vibrator. It took about 2 1/2 seconds to realize I had no fucking clue before.

Since then I have been happily orgasmic in all kinds of ways, but it never would have happened without that first little toy.

I think there is some truth to the notion that vibes can be desensitizing to some women. But most guys don't undestand that with penetration there's almost no clitoral stimulation at all. Its like a guy cumming from his underwear rubbing him when he walks... You'd have to be might sensitive for that to happen.

After 2+ years of sleeping with a dick that doesn't want his wife to get off unless it's HIS way (which happens to be the least likely way), I think it's safe to say that no amount of non-stimulation from this prick is going to get her off. It isn't that he can't get her off, it's that he won't try. Buzz away, sister!

BTW guys, I hope you are taking notes. There's tons of good info from the ladies in the comments this week!
Posted by Nicole on January 22, 2009 at 3:47 PM · Report this
Yeah Psilly, as much as I like the idea that fairness is more important than sensitivity toward women (and indeed women will benefit much more from fairness), you're just wrong wrong wrong here. First of all, part of the appeal of Dan's column is the scandal induced by hearing a man's view of sexuality. The tradition has long been "Miss Manners" - which Dan is both destroying and taking to a whole new level. Sure, it matters that he's gay... but didn't you fucking hear him say that people are not allowed to gain 20 pounds and act like that has no relationship consequences??? That's as politically incorrect as anything else I've ever heard in the context of sexual morality.

Secondly, while we never know the exact circumstances, there are literally millions of women who obviously need extra effort to get to orgasm, as this column has shown over and over. Dan's advice is correct.

Stick to fairness Psilly, like Dan does, and that's the only way to get to fairness beyond condescension toward women and unending criticism toward men.
Posted by PS on January 22, 2009 at 4:08 PM · Report this
Psilly - yes, vibrators can desensitize, just like death-grip. Why wouldn't they? It's the same concept: intense stimulation.

However, that doesn't change the fact that some women can't come without them, never come before they had them, never will if they don't.

Furthermore, Dan's oft-repeated advice to men who are trying to get over the death grip has always, always, been in response to THE MAN saying "I don't want it to be like this, how can I change it?" (either directly or to his girfiend) and NOT women saying, "I won't let my boyfriend come unless he'll come inside me because it insults me."

Still furthermore, it's a lot easier for a man to learn to come inside a woman's orifice than for a woman to learn to orgasm from intercourse. Women who can come from this can do so because they either get off on g-spot stimulation (the equivalent to men getting off on prostate stimulation - possible, but NOT something we widely expect men to be able to do in the same way we expect women to come from vaginal stimulation), or because they have a clit that's positioned in such a way as to be stimulated by the man's pelvic bone during thrusting (no, our clits are not all in the same place).

So even if what Dan's saying about some women NEEDING a vibrator to get off for anatomical reasons (clit buried more deeply), most women will still need some kind of stimulation other than intercourse. And since that's the case, what fucking reason is there not to use the damn vibrator? It's easier and quicker anyway. If any guys could give me a reason other than "I feel threatened by it!" I might listen.
Posted by Laurel on January 22, 2009 at 4:18 PM · Report this
Men don't feel smug over women's insecurities concerning , well, everything.

You're kidding, right? That statement alone proves that you, at least, feel smug over women's insecurities. Get your head out of your ass.
Posted by keshmeshi on January 22, 2009 at 5:15 PM · Report this
Dear Dan

Good advice to LIMP. He is very poorly educated. Also a big whiny baby.

Best wishes
Posted by what a whiny baby on January 22, 2009 at 5:30 PM · Report this
Regards vibrator --- up in Canada there is a new sex toy that's been in the news - that can apparently be enjoyed by both a man and a woman at the same time. (I'm too gay to want to visualize it it detail...) Invented by a laid off engineer and his wife. The news item is at:…
Posted by upincanada on January 22, 2009 at 6:12 PM · Report this
I'm just chiming in to remind LIMP that there's nothing unmasculine about using power tools to get the job done.
Posted by Critter on January 22, 2009 at 6:22 PM · Report this
I have a hard time imagining that LIMP's letter is not fake. I am actually shocked to be the first person suggesting this.
Posted by M on January 22, 2009 at 6:47 PM · Report this
First of all, LIMP, you suck!!! It's HER orgasm! Can you imagine how she feels when you refuse to to get her to come the only way she knows how? You're telling her she's not good enough and there's nothing she can do about it. Poor thing, she must have really low self-esteem to have even married you to begin with.

Second of all, "saddlebacking" *has* to be Christian teenagers assfucking. Anal sex with a condom is just too boring and shouldn't need a name because that's how assfucking should be done, anyway... with a condom!
Posted by RhythmGirl on January 22, 2009 at 7:35 PM · Report this
How many times would one feasibly use "saddlebacking" in conversation if you went with the Christian anal sex definition? Probably only in the comments section on this site. Hardly embarrassing to Rick Warren if it doesn't spread like santorum on fresh white linens.

The gay anal sex with a condom, however, can easily be interjected into conversation. One doesn't even need to know the origins of the term to start using it, as it makes perfect sense to anyone familiar with barebacking. Abracadabra, you've brought the term into everyday speech, and maybe even a cleverly named porno will stem from it. FAR more embarrasing to Rick Warren to have everybody using the term than just a handful of people.

And as example of how easy it is to put the first definition into common usage, scroll up and re-read JON's letter and Dan's response, both about a manipulative prick not wanting to "saddleback"
Posted by Bont on January 22, 2009 at 9:30 PM · Report this
How is it that butch guys are all over power tools but cower at the first sign of a 2 inch mini vibe?

Saddlebacking shouldn't be gay anal sex with a condom-- I'd hate for safe sex to be tied to such a dick.
Posted by Kiki on January 22, 2009 at 9:44 PM · Report this
I too vote gay sex with a condom. Maybe it'll be so cool to say 'I wanna saddleback you' in all those places that people normally bareback it, that you might actually help increase condom usage.
Posted by sloggerette on January 22, 2009 at 10:22 PM · Report this
Horny and Real Distracted--a few tips.

-Jerk off at the same time, rather than one after another.
-Wear a blindfold when she finishes herself off. Don't touch her. Then try touching her, just pressing her side or playing with her nipples if that's what she likes. Little by little with each encounter you can get a bit closer. Eventually you'll end up using the toy on her, at least part of the time.

Some people can't pee with someone, even a loved someone, outside the door. Lots of people are conditioned to hide their masturbation e.g. from parents, and any sort of shame or embarrassment she may feel about it only compounds this.
Posted by danfan on January 22, 2009 at 10:32 PM · Report this
Love your advice for that douche bag who wouldn't let his wife use the vibrator. My ex-gf was intimidated by the fact that she couldn't get me off without a vibrator so we didn't have sex for 14 of the 15 months we were together (yes, I am crazy). Now my BF is totally cool with me using the vibrator as long as his fingers are in me too. Totally hot!
Posted by Skye on January 22, 2009 at 10:38 PM · Report this
Okay, so my husband and I have sex about once every six months. We always have, for almost thirty years (by his choice -- "I just have a different sex drive from you," he says). And me? I'm a once a day kind of girl. Without my toy, I'd probably go insane. In fact, I'm sure of it. Sigh.
Posted by Sarah on January 22, 2009 at 10:51 PM · Report this
wow, i thought my exes were selfish. at least they paid lip service to being concerned about their ineptitude in the sack (shortly before the ubiquitous 'blame tantrum'). i'll spare us the tired 'why would anyone marry...' query -- women's stupid mate choices already fill volumes of APA-produced publications.

she has never had an orgasm with his assistance ('during sex' is moot here) in the two years they have been married, and his concern is with the fact that his beloved has this annoying affliction for battery-operated's, and not that the blessed union has never achieved the level of intimacy that entails her climaxing, presumably while he is in the room.

i can understand why he's threatened. he's a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve the company of a woman, let alone a wife.

on the subject of the former: married guys are, for some odd reason, phenomenal in the sack. see? it wasn't my fault after all. all the communication and intimacy that married life entails, free from the encumbrances of best mates and egos: it's a good thing LIMP shook all that when he took his vows.

i think she should leave him. he's intractable.

Posted by irv on January 22, 2009 at 11:52 PM · Report this
oh, and for all those women who fake(d) it because they thought/still think this part of the production (pun intended)? thanks for setting women's history back a few thousand more years: for every five of you assholes, there's six of us who are blamed because our clearly evident dissatisfaction is deemed by our asshole partners to be our doing.

frankly, if y'all haven't had an orgasm, with or without double a's: i hope you never achieve one during sex, at least not with a partner. your ego-stroking bullshit-fests are the sole reason the LIMP set and all the other males of our culture who have yet to be clued in (most of them) find fault with the straight girls who don't scream at the phallis the way their porn-stars of their dreams do.

70% don't achieve orgasm during vaginal intercourse? hmmmm.. it was 60% about a year ago, ten years ago it was 35%..... how much of the trumped up statistics have been modified by increases in exposure and acceptability? will 0% ultimately reach the statistician's desk? maybe not: but the penetration-orgasm is certainly not achieved by partners the like of LIMP, who's not even willing to experiment with alternative routes to climax.

Posted by irv on January 23, 2009 at 12:24 AM · Report this
Once again, you're right on as refreshingly cool spring rain, Dan, in your response to LIMP, who freaked out because his girlfriend/wife/lover needed a vibrator to reach orgasm.

A RealTouch...? Hmmmmm...I wouldn't want something like that going Westworld on me, either. Interesting concept.

Posted by chickover35 on January 23, 2009 at 2:51 AM · Report this
I can't believe the definition that "makes most sense" is neck-in-neck with the weird Christian-teen phenomenon!

Look, the whole point of naming something after that a--hole's church is that it *doesn't* make any sense to call the thing or act "saddlebacking." That's how you get people to, once the term is integrated in our vocabulary, be forcibly reminded of the specific church everytime they use the term describing some icky sex-related thing. Whereas if it sounded like the name came from the act itself, the association will be lost in half a generation! Think pegging. It makes so much sense to call that act pegging, no one today wonders (despite the initial worries of some) which lady named Peg inspired the coinage. That will be how "saddlebacking" sounds if we choose the "opposite of barebacking" definition; I guarantee you it won't then enjoy the same success that santorum did. Whereas the weird Christian teen thing will be perfect, as the word "saddlebacking" won't make *too* much sense there, while making enough sense to be call by that name that the association will be very memorable.

Plus, yeah, we want the word to mean something that makes you go "eww" when you hear about it. We *don't* want safe sex to be something that gives us that reaction. Associating it with that psycho will give have that effect. Duchebags like the one JON encounted will start pressuring kids with "What, you want to saddleback!? Which f--ked up church do you come from?"
Posted by Sophie on January 23, 2009 at 5:28 AM · Report this


Saddleback 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by 5 for christ's sake on January 23, 2009 at 5:40 AM · Report this
I'm all over the Christian teen one! *crosses fingers*
Posted by Vic on January 23, 2009 at 5:56 AM · Report this
Dan - excellent advice to "JON". Congrats to "JON" for thinking with his big head as opposed to the small one. Far too many young gay men expose themselves to this deadly disease unnecessarily.
Posted by Allen on January 23, 2009 at 9:41 AM · Report this
Dear Dan,

Please, oh please, write the "sex" experts on Fox News and edumacate them on the proper use of the term "fisting"

Posted by artem1s on January 23, 2009 at 10:25 AM · Report this
Speaking of safe sex, this is a hilarious condom commercial.…
Posted by Oh that on January 23, 2009 at 11:19 AM · Report this
Woah, woah, woah, I hope this doesn't get flagged as spam, but I just have to share this here where someone might notice it:…

"As well as the pardon, the two disagreed about the sacking of the defence secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, who had been a protégé of Cheney's. They also split over North Korea, the lifting of a ban on handguns in Washington and gay rights - Cheney's daughter is a lesbian."


Of course, this doesn't say he was *in favor* of rights, but I still need to scrape my jaw off the floor.
Posted by A. Peon on January 23, 2009 at 11:34 AM · Report this
Dan I read yer colomn every week & I just want to say to you. Thank you. Just thank you. I love yer honestly just keep up the good work Dan!
Posted by Logan on January 23, 2009 at 11:41 AM · Report this
The rates of female orgasm from intercourse alone are dropping because less women are able to have vaginal orgasms, due to changes in diet and medications, particularly antidepressants.

I'm assuming that LIMP is trying (and failing) to give his wife clitoral orgasms through skillful manual and oral. If he expects her to have clitoral orgasms from intercourse, he needs some re-education.
Posted by Marrena Lindberg on January 23, 2009 at 2:11 PM · Report this
The 'rates of female orgasm from intercourse alone' are dropping because more women have the confidence to tell the truth and more isgenerally known about female orgasms and anatomy than was known 30 years ago; as more women talk about their experiences others become brave enough to add their own.

I thought I was broken cos I couldn't come. A voracious reader and experimenter, I had tried penetrating myself with everything I could think of (fingers, deodorant can, clay stuffed into a condom that I pilfered from my dad, to name a few) And in every posture I could imagine. Lots of good and interesting feelings but no big bang.

I knew something was missing but most sex advice seemed to think that I was repressed or tense, full of Victorian sensibility.

Until three pages in a paperback - that I 'borrowed' from a friend's house and photocopied at the local library - explained that the little nub, the one which I couldn't bear touching cos it was too much sensation, was the trigger!

FFS, if I, with perfect bio-feedback and a serious mission to make the O happen, was struggling, how could I expect any sex partner to know what to do?

To irv: you are right - I owe apologies to every woman who had to deal with the ineptness that I allowed to go unchallenged, but I assumed that I was a freak.

To Psilly and Super Long Lasting (ugh!): I consider it my responsibility to tell my lovers the many and varied ways that I work.

Too, I am not so arrogant that I assume that any two of us - male or female - are the same in our sexual desires or responses so I, equally, consider it my responsibility find out what gives them pleasure. That, I think, is the definition of a good lover - what on earth is yours?
Posted by haughty kitten on January 23, 2009 at 3:04 PM · Report this
Super Long Lasting,

Vibrators were invented in the 1880s. They were commonly used to treat "hysteria" (as well as laudanum), which was basically just a bullshit diagnosis of being a troublesome female.

Women's orgasms haven't ever been a requirement for procreation (yet they have a clitoris, which serves no other purpose. Hmm.), and fortunately for the species, women can derive pleasure from sex even without an orgasm. However, orgasms are pretty darn nice, and if it take some manual manipulation, a tongue, or a session with a Hitachi Magic Wand, there is absolutely no reason to deny any of that to a lover on a continual basis.

Isn't it grand that many women can thank Thomas Edison for their ability to experience orgasms? Any guy that would deny that is a total douche.
Posted by smarter than you on January 23, 2009 at 3:43 PM · Report this
1st gen technology should usually be avoided.
Posted by clint on January 23, 2009 at 4:33 PM · Report this
On the note regarding the submissions for saddlebacking - isn't one of the requirements that it be something that both gay and straight (or whatever your orientation might be) people can do? The first definition is "gay anal sex with a condom." Perhaps we need to remove the 'gay' bit as everyone can have anal sex with a condom - hell you could even put one on a dildo and still theoretically be within the letter of the law. And god knows, I just couldn't feel good about myself if I couldn't also saddleback and be saddlebacked in return.
Posted by Yail Bloor on January 23, 2009 at 8:04 PM · Report this
well, haughty, you don't personally owe me an apology. the 'freak factor' is a divide-and-conquer technique that willfully clueless, western-media (hollywood and the ridiculous male fantasy teen dork flick that still happily populates our televisions) - educated males use to make you feel bad because, unlike 'all their other girlfriends (crazy bitches who peppered the relationships with tossed furniture or got smart and left within a week),' you aren't getting anything out of, well, nothing. granted, nothing for us happens to correlate to everything for male factor, as simple gender anatomics dictate, and if you throw in the ubiquitous roommate-awakening fake, he's a big fucking baller.

for the rest of us, who skimmed through a copy of 'our bodies, ourselves' at the local hallmark and actually learned how to properly masturbate, the coitus event essentially wrought an unspoken: 'you're fucking kidding me, right?'

as far as i'm concerned, i lost my virginity the first time i gave myself an orgasm, at like, fourteen, (five years before my first sexual encounter) and only again last august, when my married, 54-year old boyfriend sent me into paroxysms of ecstasy with whatever he was doing down there. god i miss him.

i'm 44.

funny how my supposed frigidity was always MY problem. 'married' made no demands of me -- he just got to work. if this doesn't prove my point -- that his acumen in the sack was the result of a married conversation or two and his willingness to adapt to some morphological contortions, pretty much nothing else does.

and you are DEAD ON about the reason the 'rates of female orgasm during penetration' have been dropping: 'the other 46 percent' were lying to themselves and to the statisticians, bullied into cluelessness about their bodies by our culture, their boyfriends and, well, their boyfriends (really, i don't hate all men -- just my baker's dozen of worthless exes...).

you and i could talk all day...

Posted by irv on January 23, 2009 at 8:05 PM · Report this
My mom gave me a vibrator (she called it a "massager") as a wedding gift. She didn't explicitely say that it was intended to be used for my sexual pleasure. It took me two years to finally get up the nerve to use it on myself during sex with my husband. Up until then, I could count the number of organisms from penetration alone on one hand. I tried masturbating since the age of about 11, but I was never able to climax with manual stimulation alone. I found out during my teen years that a shower massager felt really good and would use that to masturbate with in private. I felt shame that I had such a hard time having an orgasm. Oral sex or my husband manually stimulating me never got me off either. Our sex life is satisfying and has been since we've starting using the "massager" during sex. Up until then, we were both frustrated and I felt like not even bothering.
Posted by esm on January 24, 2009 at 1:10 AM · Report this
Anal sex with a condom is a GOOD thing. The Saddleback Church is a BAD thing. Let's not associate something GOOD with that fat bigot. Christian teens having anal sex to preserve their virginity is a STUPID, IGNORANT thing. Saddlebackers, the church-going or teen-virginity-preserving ones, are STUPID and IGNORANT. See how easy the choice is?
Posted by spc on January 24, 2009 at 2:15 AM · Report this
yaaayy!! assfucking most definately
Posted by nicki on January 24, 2009 at 5:47 AM · Report this
Sarah, if your husband has only wanted to have sex every six months for all these years, it means you have been married to a closeted gay man for 30 years. DTMFA
Posted by spc on January 24, 2009 at 2:10 PM · Report this
saddle-backing should definitely be the Christians having anal sex to keep their virginity
Posted by VoiceGuy on January 24, 2009 at 3:39 PM · Report this

Did not know the Obama's had a non-traditional sex life. Wow. They do what now?
Posted by bruinshield on January 24, 2009 at 4:19 PM · Report this
There are TWO KINDS of female orgasm. There are clitoral orgasms, and all those things mentioned in this thread apply to those. Then there are also vaginal orgasms. Totally different kind of orgasm. One does not replace the other. Very different sensation. The number of women able to have vaginal orgasms has been dropping this century because of changes in diet and lifestyle changes, so now less than half of all women are able to have vaginal orgasms. Women who are able to have vaginal orgasms have them from the stimulation from penetration, not clitoral stimulation.

Don't judge other women's experience by your own experience. If you are one of the women who fall into the 60% of women who can only have clitoral orgasms, then that's all you are feeling. But some of us have different experiences.

I showed Betty Dodson, grandmother of "the only orgasm is a clitoral orgasm" that I was vaginally orgasmic. She examined me, felt while I was having a vaginal orgasm, and then watched while I had intercourse and had hundreds of vaginal orgasms--without any clitoral stimulation. She knows her way around the female orgasm, and I convinced her that vaginal orgasms do in fact exist.

Not everyone is the same!
Posted by Marrena Lindberg on January 24, 2009 at 6:35 PM · Report this
come on dan ... i've already explained how saddlebacking is the soon to be absolutely amazing term for christian kids getting ass slammed to avoid going to hell ... to like 85 people ... don't ruin my dreams
Posted by ashley on January 24, 2009 at 7:00 PM · Report this
Come on! Saddlebacking should be the name for something that isn't inherently positive, which having anal sex with a condom is. Warren is an asshole, and his church should be branded with an act that is as brainless and backward as he is. So the "pure" ass fucking has to be it.
Posted by S on January 24, 2009 at 7:05 PM · Report this
Probably will go un-noticed, but everybody should check this out:
Adds to the need for saddlebacking to be the christian virgins definition.
Posted by BeenThere on January 24, 2009 at 8:53 PM · Report this
LIMP, your situation is exactly why gay marriage should not be allowed. Because then people will be free to marry animals, etc., and your wife can marry her vibrator. Er... not.

Actually, you should follow Dan's advice and get your wife happy however it takes.
Posted by Joe Mentum on January 24, 2009 at 8:57 PM · Report this
one might ask if men serve any purpose to women in a modern world

of course, when men can gestate, the same will hold true
Posted by who cares about all the catty remarks on January 25, 2009 at 1:49 AM · Report this
Someone else said it but it bears repeating: 70& of women can't orgasm from penetration alone--let me say it again: 70%, before we start defining what's normal sexually for women, let's consider that.

Clitorises vary in sensitivity and placement on the body--some women have prominent clits that are immediately visible, some women have smaller clits that are concealed by the labia before the woman becomes arouse--thus women vary regarding what gives them pleasure.

We need to expand our definition of "normal sex" beyond penetration. This is no to say that there's anything wrong w/ penetration but rather that sex encompasses many more ways to get off.

It's saddens and angers me to read the posts about women not wanting sex, women thinking something was wrong w/ them because penis to vagina penetration didn't bring them to orgasm. But patriarchy is the gift that keeps on giving, meaning that vago-phobia and the ignorance surrounding female sexual response isn't simply "just the way things are" but rather the result of centuries of misogyny (Don't know what I talking about? Think rape, incest, denial of legal rights, birth control, abortion and proper medical care, physical abuse, etc.).

Plenty of women are grossed out by their vaginas and ashamed of their bodies. [How many products exist to help women when they feel "Less than fresh"?] At worst, that makes sex difficult or impossible for them, at best it renders them disinclined to explore their own pleasure and find out what works. Fortunately, a lot of us can override all this bullshit and find our pleasure.
Posted by know-it-all on January 25, 2009 at 8:22 AM · Report this
yeah too bad that the sadlebacking nominations are already closed because my mate made a great sugestion, it should be revering to the stupid people who are over paronoid about std's/pregnacy because they never had proper sex-ed.
so sadlebackers are ppl who double up condoms, eat-pussy with clingfilm , wear latex gloves during normal sex, etc etc.
Posted by dutchie on January 25, 2009 at 8:35 AM · Report this
Hey dutchie: What constitutes normal sex?
Posted by know-it-all on January 25, 2009 at 9:41 AM · Report this
Ladies, if you "think" you've had an orgasm, you haven't had one. When you have an orgasm, you KNOW it.

@ Finally getting it: thank you, thank you for coming to your senses and stopping faking orgasms. Every time a woman fakes, she reinforces the perception that if a woman doesn't come during sex, there's something wrong with HER, not him. Certainly a number guys made me feel like a freak when I didn't come during sex, because "every other girl they did it with came, no problem". Even though I knew the stats, it was hard not to feel freakish and ashamed.
Posted by anna on January 25, 2009 at 11:02 AM · Report this
oh for god's sakes kim, pressure isn't abuse. put down the melodrama for a minute and think: pressure is something one exerts in the hope of getting what one wants. for instance: you exert pressure on your boss to give you a raise. have you abused him/her by doing so? no, he/she has the right to politely decline. you then threaten to call his/her spouse and accuse boss of lewdly fondling you if boss doesn't give you raise. now you've crossed the line into abuse. see?
Posted by ellarosa on January 25, 2009 at 11:30 AM · Report this
Thanks for the advice to JON. We need to be respectful of each other, especially our younger brothers. Being a teenager and coming out is hard enough without some older guy pressuring you to do something you aren't comfortable with.
Posted by atallguy64 on January 25, 2009 at 1:08 PM · Report this
I thought it might be funny to post a video of the Technical Virgin. She was the first person I thought of when Dan mentioned all the straight kids having anal sex to protect their virginity.
Her name is Melanie Martinez. She used to work for PBS. But they saw her vids and fired her. There is no nudity at all in the vids, just her talking. They are very funny. The link is to her anal sex vid. But there is also a masturbation one.…
Posted by Opaleye on January 25, 2009 at 2:47 PM · Report this
i can only repeat with great venom and vigor what anna's experience mirrors: seriously, guys, on the divide-and-conquer tactic: did ANY of the women you were with, to say nothing of 'all of them', get anything out of sex? who's to say that fact isn't a blatant lie you tell all your girlfriends about the others so you can leave your complicitousness on the doorstep, the few giving it any credence being the fakers? this saddens and enrages me to no end, especially given that my prime dating years were in the '80's, when the collective conversation was borne out of the male perspective. i knew there was nothing wrong with me; boyfriends wanted to paint me the freak anyway.

either way they got exactly what they wanted: gratifying sex, my clingy, frustrated co-dependence (ever heard the term 'vaginal vice?' the grip of sexual frustration can exact its toll on either partner: continued sexual dissatisfaction in your lover is quite an effective tool for abusing power), the luxury of being contemptuous becuause i wasn't making them feel 'man enough'.

and to intercept any accusations as to my false prurience: if these men had any idea what they were doing, any idea at all, and weren't so pompous in their efforts to persistently 'go forth and do it wrong' i would have given them the benefit of the doubt. but they didn't, and the 'problem' conveniently remained mine. thanks again, fakers. i could use that ten years back...

i don't mean to make this a forum in which to voice my personal vendetta, but ladies: you know whereof i speak, and it's plenty relevant.
Posted by irv on January 25, 2009 at 5:56 PM · Report this
sex with a condom on isn't derogatory at all... isn't insulting that idiot kind of the point?
Posted by becca on January 25, 2009 at 10:18 PM · Report this
Am I the only one that thinks that needling someone for the fun of it is the wrong reasoning for defining words? I realize that some Christians are bigoted morons, but what does it say when in turn we are given an opportunity and we exploit it to make bigoted remarks towards Christians? "Fuck all our rhetoric; might makes right", is what it says.
Posted by ChrisM on January 26, 2009 at 9:33 AM · Report this
Here are my votes: I've come to agree that saddlebacking should be the condom-wearing opposite of Barebacking. I think that will get it the most use, which would be ideal. (And think of the t-shirt potential "Only if we saddleback, big guy.") As for the teenagers doing anal to protect their virginity... that would be "Angelchapping," from the slang description of the religious garments Mormons wear under their clothes (known as angel chaps, or funny Mormon underwear). After all, they're trying to stay virgins until they can participate in marriage as an act between one man and one woman, right? Angelchapping - the Mormons are gonna love it.
Posted by Geek Porn Girl on January 26, 2009 at 3:31 PM · Report this
I have a stupid question: I read on the back flap of Warren's book that he donates money to AIDS research and prevention. So why do we hate him?
Posted by doggirl on January 26, 2009 at 4:53 PM · Report this
RUN AWAY JON!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!! Protect your bum from the stupid hot homo!!!!
Posted by AlabamaIsForLovers on January 26, 2009 at 5:04 PM · Report this
Hi Dan, I just tried to listen to your podcast on itunes and the new episode that downloaded is in fact last weeks episode. Help...I must have my Tuesday morning Savage fix!!
Posted by stephg on January 27, 2009 at 6:43 AM · Report this
Dan -- also can't access the new podcast
Posted by sepVT on January 27, 2009 at 7:50 AM · Report this
The Christian way of maintaining virginity is just too perfect. That's my vote for the definition of "saddlebacking."
Posted by Meganificent on January 27, 2009 at 11:39 AM · Report this
great advice to Jon. wish i would have found your column when i first came out, would have helped me out a lot during the whore out phase; and come on Dan saddlebacking needs to be the chrisitian phenomenon come on.
Posted by camus on January 27, 2009 at 1:53 PM · Report this
LIMP is a wuss. My vibe problem is it's making me lazy. I used to insist on regular half hour pussy munching fests but now my girl likes to get out the Hitachi for a buzz after I am done with her. As a result I know I can make her come or hump away selfishly knowing the robot will take care of things. I don't want to end up the guy who uses his Rascal to get around because he's too damn lazy to walk, ya know?
Posted by drjones on January 27, 2009 at 1:53 PM · Report this
Having sex with a condom is a positive, safe, and healthy thing to do. Rick Warren and the Saddleback Church are none of these things. Do we really want to think of Rick Warren when we're advocating safe sex and responsibility? I don't think so.
Posted by wheel on January 27, 2009 at 7:33 PM · Report this
'There are TWO KINDS of female orgasm. There are clitoral orgasms, and all those things mentioned in this thread apply to those. Then there are also vaginal orgasms. Totally different kind of orgasm.'

Actually, as Dan has stated oh so many times, 'vaginal orgasms' are also clitoral orgasms-- from the inside and/or with indirect penetration of the outside.
Posted by Kiki on January 27, 2009 at 9:35 PM · Report this
Thank you, IRV. I second what you and Anna have said and experienced. I went through all that crap in the 80's, also. I still know women who date people who are intimidated by their vibrator!
Thank you, Dan, for JON's letter and your advice. I used it as a springboard to a discussion with my gay teen son. Thanks!

Posted by EWgryl on January 29, 2009 at 9:17 PM · Report this
To Anna (and a few others),

You said that "every time a woman fakes, she reinforces the perception that if a woman doesn't come during sex, there's something wrong with HER, not him".

I understand your point and I really believe that there are a lot of selfish jerks out there.
But, having said that, as long as the man (and the woman) is really loving and caring, If someone does not get an orgasm, there is nothing wrong with anyone. Period.

The problem with Limp is that there is a solution and he is refusing to embrace it. And, probably, his is doing that because he fears there is something wrong with him. Why would he think that he is in any sort of competition with a vibrator if that wasn't the case?

Let me tell you my story. I´m a straight male and I was sexually abused as a child. Probably because of that, I had a difficult time when I started (very late) having sex. For some reason, it was very difficult, actually impossible without a lot of masturbation, for me to come during sex. That caused every women I had sex with to freak out, probably even more than if the genders were reversed, because that is not an usual problem for males. I heard not only the "it never happened with other guys", but also the "what's wrong with you?" and the occasional "are you gay?". So, I had more than my share of feeling inadequate (totally damaged good would be a more appropriate description of how I felt). But, these women said those things not to "divide and conquer", to have "the luxury of being contemptuous" or whatever. They said those things because they were young, insecure and clueless. I just wonder what they would say if I'd turned to them and said "look, there is this little electric device here that really does the job"(supposing, hypothetically, there was such a thing).

My happy ending came when I start dating a wonderful woman and decided to be completely honest with her about my shortcoming (or should I say, nocoming). She turned to me and said, "it's ok, because I can´t either. I have always faked before, but this time I don't want to". A few months in the relationship, I started to come during intercourse regularly. After a little bit more of intimacy, I surprised her by giving her a vibrator. One of the most glorious day in my sex life came when she had her first orgasm with the vibrator (and a little help from my penis inside of her, I like to think). When I came, she was sobbing and crying. We are together for 13 years and married for 10.

My point here is that blaming one partner or the other is not helpful at all. I really think that everybody have a right to his/her orgasms. But, I also think that everybody have a right to be insecure, at least to some extent, about sex, vibrators, body shapes, breast sizes, penis sizes, orgasms, etc...

Guys, relax about vibrators and sex toys.
Girls, remember that that may be not so easy for them at first.

Posted by Vladimir on January 30, 2009 at 6:28 PM · Report this
excellent advice for JON.
Posted by regina on February 13, 2009 at 11:46 AM · Report this
Beth, I hate to tell you this, but that cock ring thing is just not powerful enough for everyone. Some of us need the wand. Especially after 40! Thanks Dan for this column. I hope it is repeated every now and then in some incarnation. By the way, the desensitization concern? Not true!
Posted by sev on April 3, 2009 at 7:00 AM · Report this
I really wish that straight guys would get over the competition hang up they seem to have over dildos and vibrators. It makes as much sense as women refusing to blow men because her "pussy should be enough."
Posted by Carrienon on May 21, 2009 at 1:52 PM · Report this
Myfixsation 160
Hey, why not try a couple's vibrator specifically designed to be used during sex without getting in the way; like the Myfixsation Couples vibrator.
Posted by Myfixsation on September 20, 2011 at 8:59 AM · Report this
Myfixsation 161
Hey, why don't you just use a Couples vibrator like the We-vibe or FixSation Couples vibes? Hands Free and specifically designed for mutually beneficial pleasuring.
Posted by Myfixsation on September 20, 2011 at 9:04 AM · Report this

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