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Pride 2006 Events Calendar

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Ban Heterosexual Complacency

Gay Bathhouse

100,000 BC-1968

Gay Bars

Young

What I know About...

The Delicate Art of Not Giving a Fuck

Having My Cake and Eating It Too

Envy

Amend It to End It

Lesbian Bathhouse

1969

Public Sex

In a 'Star Trek' Outfit

Learning the Ropes

The Fag-Hag Emancipation Act of 2006

2008

You Go, Gays

1970

Diva Worship

On a Deadline

Marry Me a Little

Carl Smool
Lesbians are known for noble anger--you know, the righteous, unimpeachable kind that shows the rest of the world just what it takes to fight for social justice. Behind every cause for the underdog and the dispossessed, you'll find a cadre of sleepless lesbians who won't rest until the cruel world changes its tune.

But dyed-in-the-wool dykes know something else too: The big issues of late-stage capitalism and degenerate patriarchy may inspire us, but it's the small shit that drives us over the edge. Scratch our PETA cards, and you'll find just as many petty grudges, vicious digs, and decidedly wasteful prejudices as in any junior high school clique. Are dykes ever angry in not-so-nice, totally selfish ways? OH YEAH! Face it--we burned up more energy being pissed at "pornography" than we did when the ERA went down in flames. If we weren't so sensitive and vulnerable, I'm sure we'd be ashamed of ourselves.

What follows is an annotated list of the major groups inside and outside the lesbian community who have caused most dykes to rend their garments at one time or another. As with any typical lesbian meeting, consensus could not be reached on which group deserves the biggest ass-kicking:

Straight Men:

a. Mom always liked you better.

b. Whoever has the most toys wins, right?

c. This is our competition--and look who got hit by the ugly stick!

d. Marshmallow dick.

Gay Men:

a. Mom always liked you better, too.

b. One more crack about "fish" and we're starting in on your bleeding piles.

c. You are NOT amusing.

d. You think you invented martyrdom? Well, we had the patent first, girlfriend.

Straight Women:

a. Haven't found out you have a cunt yet.

b. Think you're being heroic when you bust us in the bathroom.

c. Don't even start on how "attractive" we'd be with just a little lipstick.

d. After you thank us for every single thing feminism has ever achieved, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Bisexuals:

a. Cheaters, whiners, quitters.

b. A little less philosophy of life, a little more practice eating pussy.

c. Think you're being honest when you send the wedding invitation.

d. Go Away Little College Girl.

Butches:

a. Here, let me help you carry that chip on your shoulder.

b. Hoarding your whitey-tighties in a fireproof envelope for Y2K.

c. Worse mid-life crisis than any straight guy.

d. Daddy's on the warpath again.

Femmes:

a. Legs-in-the-air is only cute for the first six weeks.

b. Think you are so fucking smart.

c. So smart you spent the Gross National Product on shoes last year.

d. A little cocksucking never hurt a girl's career, now did it?

Separatists:

a. Keeping up the last line of defense against pre-pubescent boys.

b. It's not just a lifestyle, it's the worst haircut on the face of the earth.

c. Even a medium-sized dildo would do wonders for your mood.

d. Two Words: Food Nazis.

Famous, Filthy Rich Closet Cases:

a. Unfortunately, Alice Walker will never be caught in a tea room.

b. Rosie O'Donnell can eat Tom Cruise's big encrusted balls, thank you very much.

c. Why doesn't someone pull the pastel golf shorts down on all those bullshit artists at the Dinah Shore weekend?

d. Couldn't Hillary do everyone concerned a big favor?

Leather Dykes:

a. Your safe word is: Fashion Victim.

b. Why not just be a fag and get it over with?

c. Fell fast asleep at your dungeon party.

d. Your dogma ran over my endorphins.

Wymyn-Identified-Wymyn:

a. When I am Old, I Shall Wear Purple and Look Like an Idiot.

b. Is this a phase all the rich girls go through?

c. A crystal is not a substitute for a sex life.

d. Your cats have worms.

Susie Bright is the author of a new book, Full Exposure (Harper Collins), coming out this September; she is also the editor of The Best American Erotica series, and a weekly columnist for Salon.com