Shattered dreams
Capitol Hill
Wed March 17, 5:09 am: An 18-year-old Tacoma man was begging for change on Broadway when a 25-year-old Seattle man (who wore a white Adidas fisherman's hat and a black leather jacket) asked him if he'd like to "earn some money." The Tacoma man accepted the offer, and went with the other man to a house north of the city, where he worked in the yard for around three hours. The yard work consisted mainly of moving brush and bricks (while the older man sat on the porch reading and drinking beer). When he was done, the man wrote the laborer a check for $197.00 (dang, that's almost $60 dollars an hour!).

Later, the generous man dropped the euphoric man off near Broadway, and he cashed the check at a Washington Mutual bank. Now that the laborer's pockets were full, Broadway, which had seemed a harsh and unwelcoming place just that morning, now appeared a paradise, with fruits he could pluck and devour as he pleased. Walking on air, feeling as frivolous as a summer cloud, he made his way down the happy street. But before reaching the end of the block, the older man pulled up beside him, rolled down his car's electric window, and said he had some more yard work that needed doing. At $60 an hour, how could he say no? He got into the car and off they went to the next assignment.

While on Lakeview Blvd, the driver suddenly pulled over, and with a dramatic change in voice and manner ordered the Tacoma man to empty his pockets--he wanted his money back! The man became more and more hostile, threatening to turn the poor beggar over to the police for forgery if he didn't return the money. So forceful an impression did the man make on the Tacoma transient that he obediently forked over the money and got out of the car. The man and his money then drove off in an unknown direction. After some thought, the beggar walked back to the bank and explained the situation to the manager. The manager made an inquiry, but found nothing irregular with the account, nor had the owner of the check reported it lost.

There was nothing more the bank could do, so the Tacoma transient was back at square one. Deflated, he returned to Broadway, the severity of which was now doubled by the weight of this horrible hoax.

The corpse of a car
Location Unknown
Wed March 24, 5:27 pm: The corpse of a car, which was burnt so badly that it was described by police only as an "American car," was found just off Military Rd (Police Beat saw the photos for this crime scene--it was not a pretty picture). The fire marshal was contacted and asked to investigate (the public wants some answers now!), but he was unable to conduct an investigation because the scene had not been properly preserved. To add to the mystery, the car had no license plate, so its owner could not be determined.

When will the police catch these crazy madmen who are killing our cars--the third one in two weeks? Do they have any leads? Police Beat does! When in Portland recently, I learned from inside sources that the recent rash of car burnings is connected to the Russian Mafia; and oddly enough, a recent police report (dated March 25) stated that a Seattle woman, Yvonne, who parked her car near Discovery Park and returned to find two strangers trying to steal it, described the suspects as having "Russian accents." Hmmmm. Citizens, keep your eyes open. Keep your eyes on your automobiles. You just never know.

Blowing up the moon
Magnolia
Thurs March 25, 5:36 pm: Police were dispatched to Thriftway after a complaint about a woman taking off her clothes. When they arrived, the nudist said to them in a whisper: "You must listen closely; what I have to say is important. They are going to blow up the moon." "Who is going to blow up the moon?" asked the skeptical officer. "Why, the Chinese Red Army," she said. "The Chinese Red Army will then take over Mars and start a planet of the apes." It was raining as she revealed these apocalyptic prophesies to the police, who refused to believe her. They instead transported the poor woman to the hospital to get her mind fixed. Sgt. Coomes screened the incident.

Lurid, dark, and dank
Downtown
Sun March 27, 1:30 am: Tonight, the hipper clubs downtown seemed to have the cops on their asses. The first victim of oppression was the Backdoor Lounge, located in Pioneer Square. Two officers, Myers and Vandergiessen (who were accompanied by Special Liquor Agent Brenda Peters), paid the club two visits during the course of the night. The first occurred around 10:15, when the officers ordered the owner to brighten up his place--the lights were "too low and needed to be turned up." The cops and the agent returned to the Backdoor at around 12:15, and were astonished by the large number of people jamming inside. They claimed that the club had "clearly exceeded" the occupancy level (they determined this by simply walking around the club and counting people--1, 2, 3... 347, 348, 349--whoa, now that is way above the 299 level!). The next club on Myers and Vandergiessen's shit list was the Last Supper Club, whose lurid, dark, and dank basement area absolutely distressed them. "The dance floor itself had no lighting on at all," the astonished cops wrote in their report. "The east wall, coat check, and stairwell provided the only illumination for the entire basement level!" Sounds like the sort of space where people might have a good time without being monitored. Oh, the horror, Vandergiessen, the horror!