Ask a Furious Vegetarian!
Dear Furious Vegetarian:
What ever happened to Carnie Wilson? She was my favorite member of Wilson Phillips, the talented trio whose hit song "Hold On" took them to the top of the charts in the early '90s. The other two girls may have had models' figures, but Carnie had soul. I loved her talk show a few years back. What's she been up to since then?
-- Trisha Wharton, Ames Lake, WA
Dear Trisha:
Eating meat is wrong. It perpetuates violence against all living things; it makes people fat and stupid; and it depletes our natural resources. Did you know that the amount of grain fed to a single beef cow is enough to feed every orphan in America for four weeks? Of course not. You're too busy listening to Wilson Phillips and eating bloody, murderous meat. As for Carnie "Carnivore" Wilson, she recently recorded a duet with fellow meat-nazi James Ingram for the soundtrack of Cats Don't Dance, a film I will certainly picket, as cats most certainly do dance, and are our equals in every way. In August, Carnie had her big, fat, meat-packed stomach surgically stapled, with footage of the operation broadcast live on the Internet -- something that should happen to every meat-eating monster in America, right before they're herded up and shipped off to the slaughterhouse, where they will be butchered like the innocent animals they all hate so much.
P.S. Boycott The Stranger.
Previously in New Column!
SAVE OUR KINGDOME!It has come to the attention of The Stranger that a radical group of Maryland-based extremists is planning to blow up a local landmark sometime on or around March 26. Although Seattle has not fully recovered from the damage done to our city and our civic pride during the World Trade Organization conference -- damage inflicted by a small group of Oregon-based extremists -- we must meet this new challenge head-on. We must let the world know that Seattle's citizens will not let terrorists or fear or even bombs ruin our quality of life!
While we can't divulge our sources at this time, a high-ranking member of the Schell administration told The Stranger that police and FBI agents believe the Kingdome is the likely target. When terrorists threatened to blow up the Space Needle on New Year's Eve, Mayor Schell cancelled the Millennial Celebration at Seattle Center, and once again Mayor Schell has decided "to err on the side of caution." On March 26, hundreds of square blocks surrounding the Kingdome will be declared a "restricted area." First "protest-free zones," and now "restricted areas"?!? Apparently Mayor Schell hasn't gotten the message: WHOSE STREETS?! OUR STREETS!!!
If we cave in to terrorists now and allow them to blow up our beloved Kingdome, what will they blow up next? Our beloved downtown library? The Municipal Building?
Citizens! We must stand up to violence -- not just the violence of bombs, but the violence of "restricted areas" and "no-protest zones." We must stand up to out-of-state extremists and fight to save our Kingdome! On Sunday March 26, hundreds of activists, anarchists, and puppeteers will gather in Pioneer Square for a March to Save Our Kingdome. Coffee will be served. We will rally at 7:00 a.m., and the March to Save Our Kingdome kicks off at 8:00 a.m. Please join us. Bring bells, whistles, drums, your passion, your courage, and your heart.
From the Mar 23 - Mar 29, 2000 issue
The Stranger's "Stupid, Stupid..." column series was a beloved landmark in Seattle journalism. Cherished nuggets of printed brilliance, all three columns -- "Stupid, Stupid Baby," "Stupid, Stupid Kitten," and "Stupid, Stupid Crouton" -- have now been immortalized on a series of commemorative plates, endorsed by the sovereign nation of Liberia. Each plate has been painstakingly crafted on pure Porcelyne©, and stamped with an official nation-of-Liberia seal to attest to its authenticity. For only $25, you can own a priceless piece of journalistic history! Only 50,000 plates are available for sale through this special offer, so don't hesitate -- order your Stupid, Stupid Commemorative Plates today! As an added bonus, order all three plates and you will receive a special limited-edition "You Fucking Ingrates" Commemorative Ladle, absolutely free!
To order your Stupid, Stupid Commemorative Plate, just call (206) 623-0500. All major credit cards accepted!
From the Mar 16 - Mar 22, 2000 issue
Every week we work our guts out to bring you thrilling, one-of-a-kind columns, such as the brilliant "Stupid, Stupid Baby," the incisive "Stupid, Stupid Kitten," and the fearless "Stupid, Stupid Crouton." What do we get in return? Nothing but whiny letters from ignorant jerks! You think it's easy to come up with a new column every week? It's difficult! Just look at Seattle Weekly, where every attempt at a "sassy new column" is so depressing that local suicide rates shoot up like it's Sylvia Plath's birthday. Not that we're in any better shape over here. Wm. Steven Humphrey (the only person with a soul ever to work at The Stranger) is ditching us to become an ass model/monkey trainer in Portland; Dan Savage is too busy slobbering on doorknobs and lunching with Mork to do shit; and Jennifer Vogel, when she's not throwing hammers or puking up half-digested shots of Jägermeister, is occupied with the only task ever required of any Stranger editor -- giving lap dances. So fuck you guys. We give up. Think you can do better? Just try it. If any one of you can come up with a column worth a rat's ass, we'll run it right here and pay you $25. Good fucking luck.
Send your column (200 words or less) along with pertinent contact information to: New Column! c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., Third Floor, Seattle, WA 98122.
From the Mar 9 - Mar 15, 2000 issue
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