Karma's a bitch. Every error and sin I committed in the last year is coming home to roost in this rundown of the 10 most popular songs now on Billboard's pop chart. My editors threatened to shoot bacon-flavored vodka down my gullet with a fire hose if I didn't write this, so here goes.
10. "Bang Bang" by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj
"She got a booty like a Cadillac, but I can send you into overdrive"? Whoever wrote this has a strange idea of butts. Anyway, here's another song making the casual connection between (figurative) violence and sex. Here be vivid pop explosions—British singer Jessie J's maximum R&B belting, peppy handclaps, thickly muscled drums, chanted "go"s and "woo"s, etc.—designed to inflame libidos and soundtrack football highlight reels. It features a concise rap by Nicki Minaj, whose flow is fleet and so controlled; she's a dominatrix of language. This is triple-diva'd dance-floor fire that sounds like it was written by a committee of the world's highest-grossing composers—oh, look: Swedish hit machine Max Martin is at the helm.
"Chandelier" starts with a minimal gray drone that's right in my wheelhouse, but soon it blooms into a ponderous power ballad with booming kick drums and larynx-shredding vocalizing about an alcoholic party girl, whose redemption comes from swinging from the chandelier and flying like a bird through the night. But there's something stodgy and stilted about this overblown tune by Australian chanteuse Sia. It's trying way too hard to be tortured souls' anthem.
8. "Black Widow" by Iggy Azalea feat. Rita Ora
How can a wronged femme-fatale fantasy scenario sound so enervating? When it's set to a corny faux–East Asian synth motif, subliminal bass groan, peppy handclaps (see a pattern?), and sluggish beats, that's how. The controversial, culture-appropriating Aussie rapper Iggy Azalea trades vengeful verses with Rita Ora, whose well-modulated emoting is radio platinum. Surely millions are relating to the latter's hook, "I'm gonna love ya until you hate me/And I'm gonna show ya/ What's really crazy," but I implore you to save that drama for your mama.
7. "Problem" by Ariana Grande feat. Iggy Azalea
Before now, I didn't know Ariana Grande from Arianna Huffington, but the former is dominating this week's top 10 like a bawse (am I doing this right?). Grande looks good and sings well, which seems to be the path to charting nowadays... same as it always was. "Problem" is a clipped, sassy, and fun slab of R&B with a memorably nagging JB's-like horn riff. It features a cameo rap by Grande's mate Iggy Azalea, who's also up in this piece thrice. "I've got one less problem without ya" goes the hook, and who can't relate to a robust "good riddance" number?
6. "Am I Wrong?" by Nico & Vinz
Nico & Vinz are Norway-based African men. Sounds exotic, eh? But this inspirational song about striving to live without compromising your values has a Billy Ocean "Caribbean Queen" vibe, caramelized with solo-era Sting vocal timbres. Of course, it also boasts peppy handclaps™. Of course.
5. "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea feat. Charli XCX
Ig is wearing her most Dirrrrty Souf–like persona here in order to strut her stuff and boast about how fine she is. Write about what you know, right? But, wait—she didn't write this song. That's not keeping it real, is it, Amethyst Amelia? This is at once bouncy and laggard, and yet against all common sense, Americans have been keeping it high in the charts for months. ~smdh~
4. "Break Free" by Ariana Grande feat. Zedd
Ms. Grande is back again, this time with an uplifting anthem about ditching a guy as EDM dude Zedd builds a derivative, highly decorated rave-house edifice out of sentimental chord sequences and shopworn soft-synth presets. Hollow bombast to make teen girls feel good after leaving their boyfriends.
3. "Stay with Me" by Sam Smith
White British soul man Sam Smith sings a conventional love song that could've come out at any time in the last 50 years, with minimal piano, drums, and backing vocal accompaniment. It effectively cuts through the electronic histrionics mucking up the top 10 this week. Smith executes the tune with passion and convincing vulnerability, but it's kind of a dull, predictable song. Recommended for people who still miss Simply Red.
2. "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor
Zaftig, blond singer Meghan Trainor has written the self-esteem-booster for plus-size ladies. "All About That Bass" coyly equates the sonic low end with the singer's low end, doing so with a catchy, kitschy track that sounds like a '50s-era producer's idea of what 21st-century dance pop would sound like. It's, uh, lightweight fun.
The most popular song in the US is a Caucasoid Canadian reggae ditty that makes the Police sound like Prince Far I? Didn't see that coming. Unfortunately, "Rude" is a mewling, awkwardly skanking tune in which the singer (of Palestinian descent, actually) insists he's going to marry that girl no matter what her dad says. Is this really what the kids are into? Or are hordes of fiftysomething UB40 fans pushing "Rude" to the top? It's a mystery for the ages. 
