From the Dec 2 – Dec 8, 1999 issue

Columns

Be Prepared!

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

GOT ANY PLANS for New Year's (besides hunkering in a bomb shelter, eating cold beans out of a can, and listening to Radio Free America announce which neighborhoods are being turned into militarized zones)? Why not spend your New Year's Eve with the Hump? That's right, I'll once again be gracing the stage of the Breakroom (corner of 14th and Madison on the soon-to-be-militarized Capitol Hill) and hosting Y2 Karaoke! Imagine! The seconds will be ticking down, and as civilization crumbles around us we'll be sucking down free champagne, tongue-kissing everyone in sight, and flexing our pelvis bones while singing Peaches and Herb's "Shake Your Groove Thang." Plus it's only 10 bucks! WOW, what a deal, and an absolutely terrific way to spend the last remaining moments of your life. Remember, if you're gonna go out, go out in style -- and go out with the Hump!

Anyway, that's my plan, and all I have to say is that the world damn well better end, because I don't have time to shop for Y2K supplies AND holiday presents! I mean, couldn't they have picked a better time to have their stupid millennium? If I didn't know better, I'd say the WTO is behind all of this -- and apparently, I don't know better, because I still haven't the slightest idea what the WTO is. However! There's no reason for us to go through the upcoming tragedy alone. As a public service to my sweet & juicy readers, I've compiled a shopping list of television-related presents to buy for your friends, so you can focus on the important task at hand -- i.e. looting gun shops, mugging old ladies for their powdered soup, and hoarding cigarettes to buy your way out of militarized zones. Happy shopping!

thirtysomething Mouse Pads (available at eBay.com, $6.99) Nothing says, "You know, I really don't think very much of you..." like a thirtysomething Mouse Pad. Lovingly embossed with a picture of Michael and Hope embracing and endlessly worrying about how hard their lives are (even though they're wearing Abercrombie & Fitch), these mouse pads are a daily reminder that "well, gee... at least I'm not that pathetic."

A Will & Grace Pilot Episode Screenplay (available at http://auctions.yahoo.com, current bid $20) "What to buy the gays?" Now there's a question everyone is scratching their noggin about this holiday season. For that picky gay in your life, buy something you know he doesn't have -- the Will & Grace pilot episode screenplay. OH! How he will laugh at the screwball comedy of this mismatched couple. OH! How his sides will split at the swishy antics of Will's effeminate best friend, Jack. OH! How he will beam with pride upon seeing how his kind is represented on prime time television. Trust me! He'll adore it!

Playboy's Women of Television [1984] (available at eBay.com, current bid $11) "What to buy the heteros?" Now there's a question everyone is scratching their noggin about this holiday season. For that picky frat boy in your life, consider the 1984 edition of Playboy's Women of Television. Gorgeous nudie pix of pre-'90s TV stars such as Victoria Principal, Barbi Benton, Joan Collins, Heather Locklear, Suzanne Sommers, Nina Blackwood, and -- who can forget our favorite nudie grandma -- Angie Dickinson. Rrrowwrr! You go, girl!

Suits of the Midget Stars! (available at universalstudios.com, and http://webathon.ugo.com) It's like a beautiful dream, but it's true! You can finally own an actual diminutive suit worn by either Fantasy Island's Hervè Villechaize, or Diff'rent Strokes' Gary Coleman. And just think of all the uses: It's a perfect Halloween costume for the kids! Dress up your dog for hours of fun! Or simply hire a midget to wear the suit and re-create scenes from famous shows. The choice is yours, and what a very merry holiday season you'll have (whether you live through New Year's or not!).