Gravy Train!!!! vs. Fannypack

Seattle has the unbelievably good fortune to play host to both Gravy Train!!!! and Fannypack in one weekend. For people of a certain age (12-18, say), this is akin to baby boomers anticipating a Rolling Stones/Who double-header--well, sorta. But what if you don't have enough money to hit both gigs? Let Data Breaker help you decide what to do about this terribly serious matter.

WHO'S CUTER? Gravy Train!!!! features three lusty-looking, zaftig chicas and one skinny, androgynous dude who strips down to his skivvies onstage. Fannypack radiates multi-culti HOTTness with three sassy, streetwise babes in Irish-American, African-Indian, and Puerto Rican-Thai flavors. They all look smashing in midriff-baring shirts and miniskirts. Advantage: Fannypack.

WHO HAS THE BETTER CHOONS? Gravy Train!!!! rely too heavily on camp-goth keyboard motifs (that would've been too hammy even for Lene Lovich and the B-52's) to buttress their ass/genitalia-obsessed rants. And their beats are just too tinny to get any serious rump-shaking going. Fannypack have a knack for L'Trimm meets Afrika Bambaataa electro-funk with loads of gum-cracking attitude, and they also crank out some candy-striped hiphop with surprisingly phat beats. Advantage: Fannypack.

WHOSE MUSIC HAS THE MORE GIMMICKY, IN-YOUR-FACE LYRICS? Gravy Train!!!! pack more Tipper Gore-baiting words per song than almost anyone outside of the Frogs and death metal. In "Burger Baby," a new-wave ode to fast food, Chunx poignantly sings, "Get so horny when an onion ring gets fucked by a fry." Fannypack valiantly fight back with "Cameltoe," which, in a soundtrack of robotically flexible L'Trimm-style pop rap, zeroes in on the fashion faux pas of clothing creeping up women's coochies. "Hey Mami" is bubblegum electro that blows raspberries at cads who catcall on NYC streets, yet attracts said come-ons with a salacious song and sexy delivery. Can you dig the innate paradox at the core of this composition? Advantage: Gravy Train!!!!

WHOSE SONGS ARE BETTER TO GET BUSY TO? Gravy Train!!!! would seem to be the obvious winner here, what with all those phallic exclamation marks and lyrics about myriad carnal activities and uncontrollable urges. But GT!!!! lack, shall we say, a certain subtlety. Fannypack's music is much more coyly come-hither and their rhythms work a sly magic on the hips. Tracks like "Boom Boom" and "Smack It Up" could even get members of the Bush cabinet horny. Advantage: Fannypack.

Gravy Train!!!! play Fri April 2 with I Am the World Trade Center, Anna Oxygen, and Paper Lions at Chop Suey, 1325 E Madison St, 324-8000, 5 pm, all ages, $8. Fannypack play Sun April 4 with the Fitness and Colby B at Chop Suey, 5 pm, all ages, $8.

segal@thestranger.com