Appleby is in Book-It's remount of its ever-popular Owen Meany's Christmas Pageant.
Do you like children? "I do like children. I like children between the ages of five and 10."
But not from zero to five? "I like it when they form their personalities and don't require as much attention as far as diapers and all of that. I like them when potty-training is pretty much finished."
So you don't plan on having any of your own? "I wouldn't say that... I'd just say that I don't really plan. I think it's different when it's your own kid--dealing with your own kid's diaper is different from dealing with some kid you're babysitting. Your own child's poop probably doesn't smell as bad as the neighbor child's."
That's true for so many things. Have you chosen names for your not-yet-planned-for children? "You know, actually, yes. I have about four different options. Or three. Peep, Roodyard, and Noodle."
You are not fit to be a parent. "I know. That's why I'm saying I'm not really planning on it. I think it would be great fun, but I am aware of the damage that could be caused."
Any other amusements in mind? Do you plan on sending the boys to school in dresses? "No, but if they wanted to, I don't think that I would stop them. So long as nobody gets hurt."
Why do you think people have children? "I guess to learn more about themselves, while teaching the kids what they know about the world. I think kids have a truer sense of the way the world works, which we forget as we grow older."
Truer, how? "Kids are just more pure in spirit. Later they start dealing with assimilating and conformity--they're just more themselves, more universal souls."
You mean, prior to potty-training? "Before they get into puberty and figure out what niche they want to fill socially, they're just more tuned in to themselves and how people should work together to be happy. Good parents learn that from the child and remember that for themselves."
