DEAR STRANGER, In a recent I Love Television column, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey uses the terms "geek," "nerd," and "dork" interchangeably [Jan 27]. I appreciate the need to use a varied vocabulary in order to keep the attention of otherwise sluggish, cathode-ray- glazed readers, but surely it can be accomplished without hastening the homogenization of three high school archetypes. Please let me break down the taxonomy for Humphrey. After all, it's all still fresh in my mind, for the ink is barely dry on my own high school diploma.

A nerd is a shy, introverted kid with a couple of identical friends. They work together on inscrutable projects like basement breeder reactors and homemade walkie-talkies. They are fiercely defensive of their projects, and nerds won't talk to you. Geeks, by contrast, are boisterously gregarious. They relish opportunities to make speeches, serve volubly on committees, chair minor conspiracies, and generally gain a reputation. They are even more out of touch with conventional reality than nerds, which gives them a charming singleness of passion for whatever they do. A nerd fears that fun, important things happen outside his basement; he just can't participate. But a geek is joyously unconcerned.

A dork is a person of mediocre intelligence, average social skills, and no personality. He is calculating, but he calculates how fast he'll have to move to tape an "I Am Stupid" sign on the math teacher's back. He has friends, but they are all dorks. Every morning he says to himself, "I'm a winner." George W. Bush is a dork.

Love, Anonymous

DEAR STRANGER, I generally enjoy your music reviews, especially Kathleen Wilson's. But I must take issue with the Gary Hoey preview by Nathan Thornburgh [Up & Coming, Feb 10]. As a successful rock guitar instructor, I can say that Gary Hoey should not be mentioned in the same breath as Joe Satriani or Steve Vai, in terms of stature or playing ability. The recordings of Satriani and Vai have sold millions, and will be studied by serious rock guitarists forever. Gary Hoey is not in the same class. However, I am most disturbed by Thornburgh's attitude. [He] has contempt for "guitar virtuosos," while celebrating Kurt Cobain. It's a strange world indeed, where a guitarist is criticized for giving the time and effort to be really good, while suicidal junkies, who brag about never practicing, are venerated.

Phil Quigley, Olympia

EDITORS: I can't believe the turnout for the proposed ban on exotic animals in Seattle! What is wrong with people? Is this the same crowd that goes to protest the Red Apple being bought out by QFC? Of all the problems in the world, this is what motivates Seattleites? If anything, this shows that newcomers and bill sponsors Heidi Wills and Judy Nicastro are already beholden to some of the wackier special- interest groups.

Nick Slepko, Roosevelt

EDITORS: What a crappy review ["Burning in Ballard," Paula Gilovich, Feb 17]. Was it even a review? Nope, it was a quarter-page of drooly, high school sap, and one sentence about the stupid old Anthrax show ("the music was fantastic, though -- a complete abandonment of the indie..." blah, blah, blah). Thanks for the revised diary entry there, Paula. We can't get enough of bittersweet, 19-year-old vanilla-girl prose. Keep it up!

"Steve McQueen," via e-mail

STRANGER: Once again, I am struck by the ability of your paper to juxtapose thoughtful, insightful pieces of reporting with the most specious examples of offensive garbage imaginable. I refer to Eric Fredericksen's thoughtful essay ["Media Fast," Feb 10] on his experiment with a "media fast," followed by your trumpeted Sex Survey [results, by David Schmader, also Feb 10]. Up to a point, the survey was entertaining, but that point was broached with your vulgar satire on the "What would Jesus do?" concept. How on earth do you expect to further the acceptance of the gay community with this kind of abusive attack on Christianity?

All you have done is provide material for another round of gay-bashing sermons delivered from pulpits nationwide. If your goal is to create actual hatred against the gay community, to give the gay-bashers a foothold on which to stand, and to further divide the population into antagonistic camps of mutual antipathy -- I salute you: mission accomplished.

Peter White, Seattle

EDITOR'S NOTE: It is not the mission of The Stranger to further the acceptance of the gay community. We're not even gay. We have some gay friends, but so what? And we sometimes dance in "gay clubs," quote unquote, with our shirts off, but that doesn't mean we're gay. And there was that time Tim Keck kissed Charlie Cross on the lips, but they were drunk and passed out before anything too gay could happen.

DEAR STRANGER EDITOR: Regarding your photo essay, "Hanford" [photos by Arthur S. Aubry, Feb 17]: The late historian Stanley Goldberg's paper, referenced on page 19, was published in an edited collection. The correct reference (following your format) is Goldberg, Stanley, "General Groves and the Atomic West: The Making and Meaning of Hanford," in The Atomic West, (eds.) Bruce Hevly and John M. Findlay, the Emil and Kathleen Sick Lecture-Book Series in Western History and Biography, Center for the Study of the Pacific Northwest in association with the University of Washington Press, 1998.

Brian Freer, via e-mail

Look at this stupid Stranger. Who could love such a stupid Stranger? They can't think. They can't write. They can't even stand up for anything without falling on their stupid Stranger butts. Imagine the embarrassment the publisher must feel. Though censorship is morally wrong, it should have at least been a consideration for this stupid Stranger. This Stranger is completely useless in every conceivable way. Look at it. Look at this Stranger. Stupid, stupid Stranger.

Tom Davis, via e-mail

EDITORS: Thanks so much to Stranger High School's Head Cheerleader, Kathleen Wilson! If her column focused on the local music scene instead of herself [It's My Party, Feb 17], we would miss so much important news, including her recent adventures at the Cha-Cha Malt Shop. It seems that Kathy, in a minute of adolescent passion, made quite a scene with several lettermen from cross-town rival Murder City Devil High. Despite the ruckus, she was mindful enough to record and print every detail for us. Kudos to Kathy for her weekly coverage of our exciting and eclectic little music scene. I sure hope she signs my yearbook!

Dave L., Capitol Hill

EDITORS: A few weeks ago, one of your articles mentioned the sad lack of a street name for Viagra ["Sex Survey 2000 Results," David Schmader, Feb 10]. Here's a clip from an article I just read [in] The New York Times (leave it to the Brits to come up with all the good drug street names!): "The appeal of Viagra, for some of these subgroups, has meant that the blue pill is showing up in the underground drug economy. There have been numerous drug busts reported in which Viagra was found individually packaged among cocaine, Ecstasy and pot -- ready for dealers to market. In England, according to several published reports, the drug goes by the street name 'poke.'"

It conveniently rhymes with Seattle's gentrified drug of choice these days....

Ariel Meadow Stallings, via e-mail

DEAR STRANGER: I'm sorry we don't fit the mold of what this nobody writer [Grant Cogswell, CD Review Revue: Zeke, Dirty Sanchez, Feb 17] thinks should be reviewed in The Stranger, but our fans seem to like it! They seem to buy the CDs; they seem to come to the shows. With all the money Epitaph spends on ads and stuff, you would think that The Stranger would have someone who likes Zeke review our CD. Opinions are like assholes, and so is Grant Cogswell. I hope I don't see him at a punk show in this town. I hope he can FIGHT!!!!!! FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zeke