Breaking News: The Worst Christmas Songs Ever
A Definitive Ranking
Emily nokes
1. "The First Noel" Let's start with the very worst. The whole point of this lethargic song is stating that baby Jesus is "the King of Israel," clearly exposing "The First Noel" as a war cry for a Judeo-Christian dictatorship in the Middle East, a war cry that foments bloodshed to this day. Every time you sing this song, a Palestinian dies. As if murder-by-lyrics isn't awful enough (take note, Phil Collins, re: everything you ever did), the chorus is basically just a long torture of vowels—noooooooeaaaaeeeeeeiiiiiiooooel—butchered over and over again by every Caucasian choir that has ever attempted it. Just awful.
2. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" This is an unacceptable Christmas song because it isn't a Christmas song at all, yet it's played all the time in conjunction with Christmas music. It's more like a cross between The Silence of the Lambs and an unpaid advertisement for Rohypnol.
Stranger Personals
3. "Santa Baby" (as Sung by Madonna) Unlike Eartha Kitt, who recorded this song first, Madonna doesn't actually have a personality. Sure, Madonna puts on airs of being a material girl, obsessed with riches and flash, but then again, remember when she put on airs of speaking with a British accent? Yeesh, lady. It doesn't help that Madonna can't sing. She sounds like she's auditioning for the Chipmunks.
4. "Jingle Bell Rock" Unlike the yuletide anthem "Jingle Bells" upon which it's based, "Jingle Bell Rock" relies heavily on a jingle horse. Nobody knows what a jingle horse is.
5. "Sleigh Ride" They may claim "it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together." But sleighs need to land on snow. There's no snow in Australia, where I was one hot Christmas visiting my little Australian cousins who insisted Santa would land his sleigh. How, you little shits? HOW WOULD HE LAND WITHOUT SNOW? "Wheels. Santa's sleigh has wheels." Santa's sleigh—everyone needs to agree—HAS NO WHEELS. This song is a death trap. Most types of weather suck for a sleigh ride together because sleigh rides kill you when you crash-land.
6. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" Santa knows too much, and it freaks us out. Yes, that complaint is an old trope with this song. But seriously. And it's not like Santa's just some clairvoyant FBI agent in this hokey, aw-shucks staple; in some versions of the song, he's also pedo uncle. Nosey Uncle Claus menaces children and adults alike with lyrics including "Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums." Keep your mitts off our tum tums, dude.
7. "Silver Bells" Do cities now have the monopoly on silver bells? Are country folks, like, banned from having silver bells or something? The entire premise of this song makes no sense.
8. "Do You Hear What I Hear?" We hear this song, and it's always terrible, if that's what you mean.
9. "Silent Night" This song is simply about people having a hard time in life. Mary and Joseph are trying to have a good night's rest, but the baby won't sleep. Bethlehem sucks. This manger sucks. The boring lyrics of this boring song suck.
10. "White Christmas" Bing Crosby dreams of ethnic cleansing. Unacceptable.
11. "Winter Wonderland" Every year, this patronizing ditty taunts listeners with the tale of a climate that most denizens of the Christian world—and billions of secular people alike—simply do not experience in December. Is it seriously a winter wonderland when you're traversing the puddles of Seattle? Wandering under the tepid gray skies of Texas? HOW ABOUT LUMBERING THROUGH THE SWELTERING AUSTRALIAN SUMMER, ASSHOLES? Also, pop artists should take note, they do know it's Christmas in Ethiopia—Christianity is their state religion—and, no, it doesn't look like a winter wonderland there.
12. "The Little Drummer Boy" Obviously
awful. 
Warm fuzzies to all, and to all, a Merry Cat's Mess!
:-)
p.s. Did you get your Halloween candy and light bulbs from Kelly O yet?
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Keeeeee-RIPES!
It sounds canned, like in an elevator at the Convention Center!
Okay, now I'm having a hard time deciding which is infinitely
worse---horrid elevator recordings or campy redneck twang?
I declare a tie for Worst Christmas Song Ever:
BOTH Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
and Sippin' in Seattle Latte Land for Worst Place.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus gets Second Worst Place.
Let us all TRY to forget these horrible, horrible excuses for songs,
and get back to hot chocolate and Christmas cookies!
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It's not about Christmas at all.
MUST WATCH TV and OBEY:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27fAvIdAQ…
(to the tune of 'O Holy Night')
"Oh Holy Shit
the Learjet's brightly shining"
now
call in an airstrike on Battlefield Earth
it's an L. Ron Hubbard X-Mass
Quickly-there's no time like Xmass time!
2)A "jingle-horse" is a superintelligent equine mutant(created through a combination of genetic engineering and the tragic consequences of above-ground nuclear testing in the Nevada during the 1950's) that writes melodies for advertising songs. A jingle-horse is rumored to have collaborated with Paul McCartney on "Wonderful Christmastime".
if you really want to hear a song that will make you want to slit your throat open try.....
The Little Boy that Santa Cause Forgot....
You have been warned.
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I see your "Christmas in the Northwest," and I raise you one "Sippin' in Seattle's Latte Land."
http://youtu.be/wCGdgX8Cjh4
I submit: Stuck at the Airport by Money Mark off of This Warm December: A Brushfire Holiday Vol. 1.
This song will make you WISH you were stuck at the airport. Especially if you work in a music store, and your boss plays the album all day.
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Comments > article.
Sarah McLachlan's "The First Noel" is actually pretty amazing. (I am NOT a McLachlan cult member, although a couple of songs from "Fumbling Toward Ecstasy" have a special nostalgic place in my heart. I realize that this confession probably disqualifies me from even being allowed to read The Stranger.)
And I think you missed a major opportunity: the new "song" called "I Think You Might Like It" by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. Holy fuck it's bad.
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"Happy birthday, Jesus.
First I'd like to start off with an apology
for the millions and millions of us
around the world who carry your name 'Christian.'
So many times, name only, never service,
never anything but name.
And second, I'd like to say how sorry I am
for what we've done to the beautiful world
that your father created.
We've polluted the air, we've poisoned the streams, we've cut down the trees, we've burned the grass, we've killed the animals...."
It goes on and on in so many awesome ways until he ends with, "But anyway, we wanted to take the time out of our busy schedules to wish you a happy birthday!" It is truly the ultimate passive aggressive Christmas song. I have a collection of bizarre Christmas music, but this one beats all.
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"All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" is way more fuckin' annoying than "The First Noel" is warmongering.
So OK agreed- Madonna sux dancing sugar plum fairy dildos, but dude must have a Grinch-y tin ear for grating vocals and unmerry melodies, judging by most of this list.
but da Skrooge made a good call on Jimi's 'Little Drummerboy' aka Mitch Mitchell...
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IT'S A GIFT GOD WRAPPED IN GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!
BLECH.
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Dominic is clearly kidding. Why did the bit about Israel make you mad, but the "ethnic cleansing" line seemed totally acceptable to you?
googletube it, and check the whole holiday medley. It's not awful. I swear.
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2. Country folks have hand-carved wooden bells. Bells made of silver are for rich city folks, and the lord baby Jesus will punish them for their wicked vanity in the hereafter.
3. Apparently "Baby It's Cold Outside" was already declared to be harmless rapey fun in a previous Slog poll, but I would point out that "The answer is no" means no.
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