Breaking News: The Worst Christmas Songs Ever
A Definitive Ranking
1. "The First Noel" Let's start with the very worst. The whole point of this lethargic song is stating that baby Jesus is "the King of Israel," clearly exposing "The First Noel" as a war cry for a Judeo-Christian dictatorship in the Middle East, a war cry that foments bloodshed to this day. Every time you sing this song, a Palestinian dies. As if murder-by-lyrics isn't awful enough (take note, Phil Collins, re: everything you ever did), the chorus is basically just a long torture of vowels—noooooooeaaaaeeeeeeiiiiiiooooel—butchered over and over again by every Caucasian choir that has ever attempted it. Just awful.
2. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" This is an unacceptable Christmas song because it isn't a Christmas song at all, yet it's played all the time in conjunction with Christmas music. It's more like a cross between The Silence of the Lambs and an unpaid advertisement for Rohypnol.
3. "Santa Baby" (as Sung by Madonna) Unlike Eartha Kitt, who recorded this song first, Madonna doesn't actually have a personality. Sure, Madonna puts on airs of being a material girl, obsessed with riches and flash, but then again, remember when she put on airs of speaking with a British accent? Yeesh, lady. It doesn't help that Madonna can't sing. She sounds like she's auditioning for the Chipmunks.
4. "Jingle Bell Rock" Unlike the yuletide anthem "Jingle Bells" upon which it's based, "Jingle Bell Rock" relies heavily on a jingle horse. Nobody knows what a jingle horse is.
5. "Sleigh Ride" They may claim "it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together." But sleighs need to land on snow. There's no snow in Australia, where I was one hot Christmas visiting my little Australian cousins who insisted Santa would land his sleigh. How, you little shits? HOW WOULD HE LAND WITHOUT SNOW? "Wheels. Santa's sleigh has wheels." Santa's sleigh—everyone needs to agree—HAS NO WHEELS. This song is a death trap. Most types of weather suck for a sleigh ride together because sleigh rides kill you when you crash-land.
6. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" Santa knows too much, and it freaks us out. Yes, that complaint is an old trope with this song. But seriously. And it's not like Santa's just some clairvoyant FBI agent in this hokey, aw-shucks staple; in some versions of the song, he's also pedo uncle. Nosey Uncle Claus menaces children and adults alike with lyrics including "Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums." Keep your mitts off our tum tums, dude.
7. "Silver Bells" Do cities now have the monopoly on silver bells? Are country folks, like, banned from having silver bells or something? The entire premise of this song makes no sense.
8. "Do You Hear What I Hear?" We hear this song, and it's always terrible, if that's what you mean.
9. "Silent Night" This song is simply about people having a hard time in life. Mary and Joseph are trying to have a good night's rest, but the baby won't sleep. Bethlehem sucks. This manger sucks. The boring lyrics of this boring song suck.
10. "White Christmas" Bing Crosby dreams of ethnic cleansing. Unacceptable.
11. "Winter Wonderland" Every year, this patronizing ditty taunts listeners with the tale of a climate that most denizens of the Christian world—and billions of secular people alike—simply do not experience in December. Is it seriously a winter wonderland when you're traversing the puddles of Seattle? Wandering under the tepid gray skies of Texas? HOW ABOUT LUMBERING THROUGH THE SWELTERING AUSTRALIAN SUMMER, ASSHOLES? Also, pop artists should take note, they do know it's Christmas in Ethiopia—Christianity is their state religion—and, no, it doesn't look like a winter wonderland there.
12. "The Little Drummer Boy" Obviously awful.