Music

Breaking News: The Worst Christmas Songs Ever

A Definitive Ranking

Breaking News: The Worst Christmas Songs Ever

Emily nokes

1. "The First Noel" Let's start with the very worst. The whole point of this lethargic song is stating that baby Jesus is "the King of Israel," clearly exposing "The First Noel" as a war cry for a Judeo-Christian dictatorship in the Middle East, a war cry that foments bloodshed to this day. Every time you sing this song, a Palestinian dies. As if murder-by-lyrics isn't awful enough (take note, Phil Collins, re: everything you ever did), the chorus is basically just a long torture of vowels—noooooooeaaaaeeeeeeiiiiiiooooel—butchered over and over again by every Caucasian choir that has ever attempted it. Just awful.

2. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" This is an unacceptable Christmas song because it isn't a Christmas song at all, yet it's played all the time in conjunction with Christmas music. It's more like a cross between The Silence of the Lambs and an unpaid advertisement for Rohypnol.

3. "Santa Baby" (as Sung by Madonna) Unlike Eartha Kitt, who recorded this song first, Madonna doesn't actually have a personality. Sure, Madonna puts on airs of being a material girl, obsessed with riches and flash, but then again, remember when she put on airs of speaking with a British accent? Yeesh, lady. It doesn't help that Madonna can't sing. She sounds like she's auditioning for the Chipmunks.

4. "Jingle Bell Rock" Unlike the yuletide anthem "Jingle Bells" upon which it's based, "Jingle Bell Rock" relies heavily on a jingle horse. Nobody knows what a jingle horse is.

5. "Sleigh Ride" They may claim "it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together." But sleighs need to land on snow. There's no snow in Australia, where I was one hot Christmas visiting my little Australian cousins who insisted Santa would land his sleigh. How, you little shits? HOW WOULD HE LAND WITHOUT SNOW? "Wheels. Santa's sleigh has wheels." Santa's sleigh—everyone needs to agree—HAS NO WHEELS. This song is a death trap. Most types of weather suck for a sleigh ride together because sleigh rides kill you when you crash-land.

6. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" Santa knows too much, and it freaks us out. Yes, that complaint is an old trope with this song. But seriously. And it's not like Santa's just some clairvoyant FBI agent in this hokey, aw-shucks staple; in some versions of the song, he's also pedo uncle. Nosey Uncle Claus menaces children and adults alike with lyrics including "Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums." Keep your mitts off our tum tums, dude.

7. "Silver Bells" Do cities now have the monopoly on silver bells? Are country folks, like, banned from having silver bells or something? The entire premise of this song makes no sense.

8. "Do You Hear What I Hear?" We hear this song, and it's always terrible, if that's what you mean.

9. "Silent Night" This song is simply about people having a hard time in life. Mary and Joseph are trying to have a good night's rest, but the baby won't sleep. Bethlehem sucks. This manger sucks. The boring lyrics of this boring song suck.

10. "White Christmas" Bing Crosby dreams of ethnic cleansing. Unacceptable.

11. "Winter Wonderland" Every year, this patronizing ditty taunts listeners with the tale of a climate that most denizens of the Christian world—and billions of secular people alike—simply do not experience in December. Is it seriously a winter wonderland when you're traversing the puddles of Seattle? Wandering under the tepid gray skies of Texas? HOW ABOUT LUMBERING THROUGH THE SWELTERING AUSTRALIAN SUMMER, ASSHOLES? Also, pop artists should take note, they do know it's Christmas in Ethiopia—Christianity is their state religion—and, no, it doesn't look like a winter wonderland there.

12. "The Little Drummer Boy" Obviously awful. recommended

 

Comments (56) RSS

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TVDinner 1
What, no mention of "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
Posted by TVDinner http:// on December 12, 2012 at 9:20 AM · Report this
MacCrocodile 2
1. "Christmas Shoes"

2. Country folks have hand-carved wooden bells. Bells made of silver are for rich city folks, and the lord baby Jesus will punish them for their wicked vanity in the hereafter.

3. Apparently "Baby It's Cold Outside" was already declared to be harmless rapey fun in a previous Slog poll, but I would point out that "The answer is no" means no.
Posted by MacCrocodile http://maccrocodile.com/ on December 12, 2012 at 10:15 AM · Report this
3
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer didn't make this list?!
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 12, 2012 at 10:31 AM · Report this
4
your "First Noel" diatribe about Palestinians dying is so unbelievably insulting.. I don't even know how to respond to this.
Posted by Take a history lesson on December 12, 2012 at 10:35 AM · Report this
5
jimi hendrix's little drummer boy is not awful.
googletube it, and check the whole holiday medley. It's not awful. I swear.
Posted by skrooge on December 12, 2012 at 10:58 AM · Report this
6
Wow. Was this hackey.
Posted by tkc on December 12, 2012 at 11:11 AM · Report this
7
Ho! Ho! Ho! Tis the weeks b4 xmas...
Posted by fix on December 12, 2012 at 12:58 PM · Report this
8
"Please Daddy,Don't Get Drunk This Christmas" sung by John Denver has to be in the running.
Posted by Edge on December 12, 2012 at 1:37 PM · Report this
9
Oh my fucking Nothing, these comments make an otherwise "meh" article.

Dominic is clearly kidding. Why did the bit about Israel make you mad, but the "ethnic cleansing" line seemed totally acceptable to you?
Posted by Justus on December 12, 2012 at 1:51 PM · Report this
Jessica 10
This list is absolutely invalid, as it has no mention of "Wonderful Christmastime", the shameless July-penned moneygrab by McCartney.
Posted by Jessica on December 12, 2012 at 2:05 PM · Report this
Cracker Jack 11
12 Days of Christmas is the Bataan death march of song.
Posted by Cracker Jack on December 12, 2012 at 2:16 PM · Report this
Space Funk Guru 12
You forgot "Lath Christhmuth I Gave You My Hearrrrt." Taylor Swift version for maximum CIA black-site torture effect.
Posted by Space Funk Guru on December 12, 2012 at 2:26 PM · Report this
mr. herriman 13
CHRISTMAS IN THE NORTHWEST. that is all i have to say (besides goddammit!!! because every time the topic of the worst christmas songs ever comes up, this goddamn thing gets stuck in my head for hours).

IT'S A GIFT GOD WRAPPED IN GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!

BLECH.
Posted by mr. herriman on December 12, 2012 at 2:32 PM · Report this
sprflycat 14
Sooooool, you just don't like Christmas. Could have saved yourself done time and said that.
Posted by sprflycat http://hustleandfaith.tumblr.com/ on December 12, 2012 at 2:32 PM · Report this
15
meh, another Lump of coal for Hanukkah...

"All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" is way more fuckin' annoying than "The First Noel" is warmongering.

So OK agreed- Madonna sux dancing sugar plum fairy dildos, but dude must have a Grinch-y tin ear for grating vocals and unmerry melodies, judging by most of this list.

but da Skrooge made a good call on Jimi's 'Little Drummerboy' aka Mitch Mitchell...
Posted by Czar PutinRasputin on December 12, 2012 at 2:49 PM · Report this
Brandon Arkell 16
My favourite Christmas carol is "Coventry Carol". It's about killing babies!
Posted by Brandon Arkell http://www.brandonarkell.com on December 12, 2012 at 3:19 PM · Report this
Rhett Oracle 17
I've always what inspired the narrative about good King Wenceslaus going out to feast at Stephen's house. Who is Stephen and why is he a saint? How good is King Wenceslaus? Didn't they have food in his castle? Snow laying round about - nothing about snow removal. But truly awful is Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" - maybe women should have Grindr. And who is this Harold Angels everyone harks about? How does one hark anyway?
Posted by Rhett Oracle on December 12, 2012 at 4:06 PM · Report this
18
i just love the sprig of holy in madonna's lapel. HA!
Posted by Adrian Ryan on December 12, 2012 at 4:08 PM · Report this
19
You nailed my top 12 favorites, how did you know?
Posted by dmanjam on December 12, 2012 at 4:35 PM · Report this
20
'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause' should have been #1 on this list.
Posted by ignatz ratzkywatzky on December 12, 2012 at 4:40 PM · Report this
21
As usual the comments are much better than the article, I'm howling. Just about to play the John Denver song (on vinyl) about the drunk daddy while I suck down some cheap whiskey.
Posted by dmanjam on December 12, 2012 at 4:40 PM · Report this
22
If you think these are bad, you obviously haven't heard Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte's "Happy Birthday, Jesus." I guess it's really more of a Christmas rant with a Silent Night backing track. But it starts off:

"Happy birthday, Jesus.
First I'd like to start off with an apology
for the millions and millions of us
around the world who carry your name 'Christian.'
So many times, name only, never service,
never anything but name.
And second, I'd like to say how sorry I am
for what we've done to the beautiful world
that your father created.
We've polluted the air, we've poisoned the streams, we've cut down the trees, we've burned the grass, we've killed the animals...."

It goes on and on in so many awesome ways until he ends with, "But anyway, we wanted to take the time out of our busy schedules to wish you a happy birthday!" It is truly the ultimate passive aggressive Christmas song. I have a collection of bizarre Christmas music, but this one beats all.

Posted by virginia mason on December 12, 2012 at 4:46 PM · Report this
23
This didn't make the list?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=27fAvIdAQiI
Posted by Shaya_Jasmine on December 12, 2012 at 5:28 PM · Report this
Bree Mckenna 24
"Santa Baby" is the worst ever.
Posted by Bree Mckenna on December 12, 2012 at 5:50 PM · Report this
25
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.
Posted by Erok on December 12, 2012 at 7:09 PM · Report this
scary tyler moore 26
hey, rhett: the feast of stephen refers to december 26, st. stephen's day (feast of stephen). and no, the benevolent monarch did not go to stephen's house, but the home of the poor man gathering winter's fuel who lived a good league hence, by st. agnes' fountain. hope that answers your questions.
Posted by scary tyler moore http://pushymcshove.blogspot.com/ on December 12, 2012 at 7:18 PM · Report this
antleryvr 27
Three things:

Comments > article.

Sarah McLachlan's "The First Noel" is actually pretty amazing. (I am NOT a McLachlan cult member, although a couple of songs from "Fumbling Toward Ecstasy" have a special nostalgic place in my heart. I realize that this confession probably disqualifies me from even being allowed to read The Stranger.)

And I think you missed a major opportunity: the new "song" called "I Think You Might Like It" by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. Holy fuck it's bad.
Posted by antleryvr on December 12, 2012 at 7:37 PM · Report this
28
@6: Yeah. Totally hackey. I was surprised to see Emily Nokes' name on this, till I realized she just drew the picture. Holden. *Shrug*
Posted by LMNOP on December 12, 2012 at 10:04 PM · Report this
29
Are we allowed to submit actually terrible Christmas songs?

I submit: Stuck at the Airport by Money Mark off of This Warm December: A Brushfire Holiday Vol. 1.
This song will make you WISH you were stuck at the airport. Especially if you work in a music store, and your boss plays the album all day.
Posted by Hanoumatoi on December 13, 2012 at 3:38 AM · Report this
30
@20: That was my second choice, but you're right---it should be on this list.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 13, 2012 at 11:43 AM · Report this
31
BEST CHRISTMAS SONG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4uW2PT-1…

I Youst Go Nuts At Christmas
Posted by billwald on December 13, 2012 at 12:11 PM · Report this
no8do 32
@13,

I see your "Christmas in the Northwest," and I raise you one "Sippin' in Seattle's Latte Land."

http://youtu.be/wCGdgX8Cjh4
Posted by no8do on December 13, 2012 at 2:20 PM · Report this
mr. herriman 33
@32 i'm not, i can't, jesus.

i fold.
Posted by mr. herriman on December 13, 2012 at 3:45 PM · Report this
34
How can "The Christmas Shoes" song not be on this list. It MUST, MUST, MUST be worse than all of those above: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpkI7GW2V…
Posted by ciara on December 13, 2012 at 4:00 PM · Report this
McGee 35
This article is complete shit and yes, hacky. Not an original thought herein and a total waste of energy.
Posted by McGee on December 13, 2012 at 6:26 PM · Report this
36
@35: Bored much?
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 13, 2012 at 7:09 PM · Report this
37
Who put coal in your stocking?
Posted by Seattle14 on December 13, 2012 at 9:46 PM · Report this
38
I have to agree that Christmas in the Northwest (or anything written and/or sung by whatever pre-cum of Satan sings that song) truely makes me wish I were deaf. BUT....

if you really want to hear a song that will make you want to slit your throat open try.....

The Little Boy that Santa Cause Forgot....

You have been warned.
Posted by muckaluck on December 13, 2012 at 11:06 PM · Report this
39
Santa Cause????

The Little Boy that Santa Clause Forgot
Posted by muckaluck on December 13, 2012 at 11:07 PM · Report this
40
1) "Do You Hear What I Hear?" isn't actually a Christmas Song-it's an antiwar(anti-annihiliation, really)song written in October 1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

2)A "jingle-horse" is a superintelligent equine mutant(created through a combination of genetic engineering and the tragic consequences of above-ground nuclear testing in the Nevada during the 1950's) that writes melodies for advertising songs. A jingle-horse is rumored to have collaborated with Paul McCartney on "Wonderful Christmastime".
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on December 14, 2012 at 1:06 AM · Report this
41
@23 and 27
MUST WATCH TV and OBEY:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27fAvIdAQ…

(to the tune of 'O Holy Night')
"Oh Holy Shit
the Learjet's brightly shining"
now
call in an airstrike on Battlefield Earth
it's an L. Ron Hubbard X-Mass
Quickly-there's no time like Xmass time!

Posted by Czar PutinRasputin on December 14, 2012 at 1:07 AM · Report this
42
@37: If you mean me, nobody has. McGee just sounds totally bored with this article, and basically said so. I'm just saying.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 14, 2012 at 9:45 PM · Report this
Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In 43
"Catholic Girls" by Frank Zappa is the worst Christmas song in the world.

It's not about Christmas at all.
Posted by Some Old Nobodaddy Logged In on December 15, 2012 at 1:22 AM · Report this
44
@32; Whoaaaaaaa! That IS pretty bad!
It sounds canned, like in an elevator at the Convention Center!
Okay, now I'm having a hard time deciding which is infinitely
worse---horrid elevator recordings or campy redneck twang?

I declare a tie for Worst Christmas Song Ever:
BOTH Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
and Sippin' in Seattle Latte Land for Worst Place.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus gets Second Worst Place.

Let us all TRY to forget these horrible, horrible excuses for songs,
and get back to hot chocolate and Christmas cookies!
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 15, 2012 at 10:58 PM · Report this
45
Nearly all Christmas songs are the worst. It would be shorter to make a list of Christmas songs that don't suck.
Posted by random_lez on December 16, 2012 at 12:12 AM · Report this
46
...and who could ever forget that '90s classic from Ren & Stimpy: "Cat Hairballs"---and the episode "Son of Stimpy"?
Keeeeee-RIPES!
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 16, 2012 at 12:19 PM · Report this
47
@9 Because the "ethnic cleansing" bit was obviously a joke — however, among liberal Seattleites, the bit about Israel/Palestine, unfortunately, wasn't.
Posted by You know why on December 16, 2012 at 7:54 PM · Report this
48
I needed to laugh my ass of this evening, and each of you witty responders has accomplished this feat. THANK YOU.
Posted by FreeJena2 on December 17, 2012 at 10:46 PM · Report this
49
I needed to laugh my ass off this evening, and each of you witty responders has accomplished this feat. THANK YOU.
Posted by FreeJena2 on December 17, 2012 at 10:47 PM · Report this
50
where Dear Mr Jesus on this list?? I just love a song about child abuse mixed into my holiday joy!
Posted by yeahyeahyeah on December 18, 2012 at 12:16 AM · Report this
51
@48 & @49 FreeJena2: You're most welcome, and Merry Cat's Mess!
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 18, 2012 at 2:33 PM · Report this
HellboundAlleee 52
"Buzzy the Christmas Bee."

Is the best Christmas song ever.
Posted by HellboundAlleee http://hellboundalleee.blogspot.com on December 18, 2012 at 8:07 PM · Report this
Robin8 53
"Christmas Shoes." Most mawkish, sappy, sentimental shit ever. May I suggest playing "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" over and over again, in its entirety, as an antidote.
Posted by Robin8 http://shutyoureverlovingpiehole.wordpress.com on December 18, 2012 at 10:44 PM · Report this
54
I gotta agree with #2 and #53. The only good thing about 'Christmas Shoes' is the bit Patton Oswalt did on it.
Posted by msanonymous on December 20, 2012 at 6:53 PM · Report this
gr8lakesgrrl 55
I thank you all for introducing me to all these exquisitely horrible holiday tunes! My solstice is nearly complete. Auntie, please pass the cookies and here, have some eggnog. :-)
Posted by gr8lakesgrrl on December 21, 2012 at 8:23 AM · Report this
56
@55: I made M&M Brownies (sorry, no legalized maryjane) and peanut butter (Hershey's) kiss cookies!! Thanks for the 'nog!
Warm fuzzies to all, and to all, a Merry Cat's Mess!
:-)

p.s. Did you get your Halloween candy and light bulbs from Kelly O yet?
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 21, 2012 at 9:08 PM · Report this

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