Perhaps the only task more thankless than cooking up an interesting Bumbershoot guide is cooking up an interesting Bumbershoot. This year, the folks at One Reel have bundled their four-day festival of art, film, theater, and music of all denominations under a "medicine show" theme, with ads boasting of potions, and press packs accompanied by cute little promotional vials containing a mysterious brown serum that eerily smelled like nothing and, thankfully, didn't make our receptionist go blind.

One Reel's choice of theme got us thinking about the uncanny similarities between Bumbershoot and the medicine we use the most here at The Stranger--narcotics. Done right, both Bumbershoot and drugs can provide days of enthralling, edifying entertainment. Done wrong, both can kill you--or at least leave you feeling like your intelligence has been slowly drained from your person while your brain's been turned to Silly Putty. And no one wants that.

The key to both Bumbershoot and drugs is choosing wisely, gauging your mood, and knowing your dealer--which is where The Stranger comes in. In the following pages, we've sorted this year's Bumbershoot attractions into a handful of drug categories.

Looking for fast, loud thrills? Check out Stimulants. Want something more tranquil? Check out Sedatives. Looking for brain-tweaking art? Check out Mind-Expanders. Feeling somrthing tingling down there? Check out Aphrodisiacs. Need a smart boost? Check out Vitamins.

Looking to avoid all thematic bullshit and just find out who's playing where and when? Check out the no-nonsense timetable in the center of the package.

Got some bunk oregano paraded as something a little more potent? Not our problem.

Bumbershoot 2003: Just say yes.

Bumbershoot 2003: August 29-September 1, 11 am-11 pm, $20/day.