While it is impossible to undo the damage Chet has caused, I would like to take this opportunity to debunk a few bald-faced lies my jerkaloid cousin perpetrated.
LIE #1: I do NOT "snort coke." Look, Chet is so stuck in the '80s, he still wears a Member's Only jacket. Besides, any cretin knows there's no reason to snort it when you can easily inject it into your testicles.
LIE #2: I did NOT cause Chet the loss of two fingers when we were kids by tricking him into believing "a leprechaun with a pot full of Hubba Bubba" lived in his go-kart engine. Okay, I did trick him... but c'mon! What an idiot! He doesn't deserve those fingers!
LIE #3: I do NOT sleep with every person who writes me a fan letter. The fact that I am extremely sexually active derives not from my status as an award-winning columnist, but from an inherent and well-revered ability to rock the socks off a porn star. It's a simple matter of statistics that some of these trembling, satisfied customers would also be letter-writers. So put that in your virgin piehole, Chet... and smoke it!
Anyway, let's forget it ever happened, 'cause Chet has been fired, and is once again digging through garbage cans for half-eaten hotdogs. Ha. Ha. Ha. Okay! On to "the world of television!" As you know, I love the "teen genre" shows. I loves me some Buffy, I loves me some Roswell -- I even occasionally loves me some Dawson and Felicity (especially when they take off their shirts). However! Now there's gonna be one less teen drama for me to loves, because FOX has taken Manchester Prep off the air -- before it had a chance to be ON the air! Prep was a spinoff of the Sarah Michelle Gellar sexy teen flick, Cruel Intentions, and documented the exploits of a fancy-pantsy prep school populated by horny pubes (short for "pubescents," thankyouverymuch).
According to Variety, although they already had two episodes in the can, network execs became nervous about the "edgy" content. However, insiders note that FOX owner/megalomaniac Rupert Murdoch was particularly disturbed about a proposed episode in which one of the young female characters becomes "sexually aroused by a horse."
Okay. I'll admit that, originally, I wasn't all that hip to this show. However. I WANT THIS SHOW ON THE AIR -- NOW!!! I mean, c'mon! I heard there might be some incest going on between step-siblings -- "ho-hum!" right? But a teenager getting an itty-bitty boner from Mr. Ed? That my friends, is entertainment! My question is, how were they going to portray the horse? For all we know, maybe the horse was going to be very handsome. Maybe they were going to put him in a wool school uniform, plop a Dawson's wig on his head, and name him "Chad." But see, NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW -- and all because Rupert Murdoch is such a goddam horse-o-phobe!
Ahhh... it's good to be back.
[Hey, I Love Television™ Readers! Your own Wm.™ Steven Humphrey will be hosting I Love Karaoke™ -- an evening of lushy, tuneful fun this Friday, Oct 22, starting at 10:00 pm at The Breakroom (14th & Madison on historic Capitol Hill). And only three bucks? Now, that's something to sing about!]
I Fired Chet's Ass!
I Fired Chet's Ass!
