MONDAY, MAY 26 As clearly predicted in the Book of Revelation, cloven-hoofed succubus Kim Kardashian and her brainwashed minion Kanye West were married last Saturday in Florence, Italy. HIGHLIGHT #1: Blood rained from the sky as the earth opened, and innocent victims fell screaming into a lake of fire. HIGHLIGHT #2: Supposed "best buds" Beyoncé and Jay Z (who was originally asked to be the best man) skipped the wedding to hang out on the beach in the Hamptons. Because... who wouldn't? HIGHLIGHT #3: As if the wedding itself wasn't irritating enough, Kim and Kanye also asked universally despised singer Lana Del Ray to perform, which was immediately followed by light snacks and seppuku. HIGHLIGHT #4: Kanye followed his planned post-wedding speech with another unplanned 20-minute rant where he loudly proclaimed to his captive audience that the Kardashian family were "warriors" and "the most remarkable people of our time," whose "combination of powers... can make the world a better place." When a guest was heard snickering, he was dragged out the back door and never heard from again. HIGHLIGHT #5: According to gossip site X-17, brother-to-the-bride Rob Kardashian bolted before the wedding in tears after Kim allegedly "fat-shamed" him. "Kim was pissed that Rob hadn't made an effort to drop any weight [before the wedding]," said a snoopy source. "He said he'd just make 'life easier for her' and leave." It's unknown whether Rob tried to steal a piece of cake on the way out. HIGHLIGHT #6: Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith and star of the Karate Kid remake, attended Kim and Kanye's wedding ceremony dressed in an all-white Batman suit. Shall we repeat that? Jaden Smith came to Kim and Kanye's nuptials dressed in an all-white Batman suit—thereby ruining every single wedding picture he appeared in. Note to Jaden Smith: You are our hero... forever.
TUESDAY, MAY 27 Last week's tragic UCSB shooting—wherein a young misogynist went on a rampage, killing six people and wounding 13—inspired some unintended consequences... including the idiotic #NotAllMen twatter hashtag, and the very necessary #YesAllWomen response. Unfortunately, when one turns over a rock, there's all kinds of vermin underneath—and right on cue, here's today's unwelcome blast from the past: Joe the Plumber. After attaining inexplicable national attention during the 2008 presidential election, Joe (real name Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher) has returned to say something monumentally dumb. Responding to the grieving father of one of the UCSB victims, Richard Martinez (who is rightfully furious with both the NRA and Congress's refusal to enact gun legislation), Joe issued the following statement: "I am sorry you lost your child. The one thing I never want to go through, is what you're going through now. But, as harsh as this sounds, your dead kids don't trump my constitutional rights." (Note to readers: While it may surprise you, Joe the Plumber is not a constitutional scholar. However, he does know how to act like an ignoramus and remove hair from a drain.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28 Legendary poet Maya Angelou died this morning in her North Carolina home; she was 86. Her list of accomplishments far outpaces her best known work, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, but here's a start: Angelou was an author, professor, civil-rights activist, actor, singer, dancer, and recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her outstanding work in the arts. And a week before she died, she even nailed social media with the best last tweet ever: "Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God."
THURSDAY, MAY 29 STOP THE PRESSES: According to TMZ, an assailant leaped onto the red carpet and assaulted Hollywood legend Brad Pitt, destroying his designer sunglasses! The terrifying incident occurred before a screening of Maleficent: The Angelina Jolie Story, when "Ukrainian troublemaker" Vitalii Sediuk (who in the past has tried to kiss Will Smith, steal the mic from Adele at the Grammys, and embrace Bradley Cooper's crotch) lunged at Pitt and allegedly attempted to "hug him around the waist" in an attempt to "make Angelina Jolie jealous," according to Sediuk's lawyer. Thankfully, Pitt was unharmed—though his designer shades were destroyed in the scuffle. Memorial services for the sunglasses are scheduled for next week. Lana Del Ray is expected to perform.
FRIDAY, MAY 30 After waging a 20-year campaign, it appears Quentin Tarantino has tricked Uma Thurman into dating his giant chin—at least according to pics of the two canoodling at the Cannes Film Festival! "There has always been an attraction," a source tells the Mirror, possibly referring to the fawning way Tarantino has fetishistically filmed Thurman in movies like Kill Bill. "She has indulged from time to time, and that's how their relationship has always worked." Ah, Hollyweird... where even a hyper-dorky former video-store clerk can end up with one of the most beautiful women in the world, provided he makes her the star of two movies in which she brutally slaughters hundreds of people.
SATURDAY, MAY 31 A few days ago, Scout Willis—the very photogenic 22-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore—got in trouble for posting pictures of nipples on her Instragram feed. So, naturally, she's protesting against this censorship by walking around New York City topless. "Legal in NYC but not on @instagram," she tweeted, posting a picture of herself wearing a floral skirt, a purse, and little else as she shopped for flowers on a New York street, later using the hashtag #FreeTheNipple. "I am not trying to argue for mandatory toplessness, or even bralessness," Willis explained on XOJane.com. "What I am arguing for is a woman's right to choose how she represents her body." "I totally agree with everything Scout Willis just said!" added Hubby Kip, as he frantically refreshed Willis's Twitter page. "Mandatory toplessness and bralessness should be mandatory! Hashtag free the nipple!" Scout, honey? Your message might not be getting out quite like you intended.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1 The United States is seeing a "20-year, post-elimination-high" of measles, the Oregonian reports, citing a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and adding, "The record-levels of measles have been reported in 18 states, and Oregon and Washington are among them." And here's the depressing kicker: The disease is spreading thanks to people who haven't been vaccinated due to "personal or philosophical reasons." "Excellent!" said the CDC's renowned contagious-disease and vaccination specialist, Dr. Jenny McCarthy. "According to my rigorous and proven scientific findings, we're really making some great strides here. Absolutely nothing terrible could ever happen because of this."
Thank you, Ann Romano! Next week: the return of David Schmader's original-recipe Last Days: The Week in Review!