David Schmader is on vacation this week.
MONDAY, JULY 21 Prick up your ears, darlings—for that sound you hear may be the death knell for Hollyweird's most highly regarded couple. Why? Because rumor has it that Beyoncé and Jay Z are speeding toward SPLITSVILLE. (Is it too soon to say that the gorgeous and talented Beyoncé was always too good for this frankly overrated rapper, and she should've dumped him when he started writing lyrics about enjoying "truffle season"? It is? Fine, we'll be quiet about it then. For the moment.) Page Six reported this weekend that only "divine intervention" could save the power couple's relationship and "Jay Z is seemingly the one most at fault." (HAH! We knew it! "Truffle season," indeed!) Apparently the pair will split up at the end of their current co-headlining On the Run Tour, but they're already busying themselves with the details of orchestrating the breakup. Says Blind Gossip, "[The divorce] will be very clean and very fast. In fact, the parties involved are describing the timeline as 'Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes fast.'" So what's the perceived motivating factor behind the split? As usual, a triflin', no-good, cheatin' man. Waggy tongues at HollywoodLife.com postulate that Jay has maintained a "too close for comfort" relationship with designer Rachel Roy, and his rumored shenanigans were what was really behind the great Solange Knowles elevator blowup of 2014. While that could be the reason, we think that anyone who raps about "truffle season" deserves to be permanently kicked to the curb. Hmmf. TRUFFLE SEASON. Indeed!
TUESDAY, JULY 22 A new interview with celebrity wack-job Kanye West is always a reason to celebrate—because you'll always come away with quotes that will boggle the mind. For example, in his newest sit-down chat with GQ magazine, Kanye went off once again on how poorly celebrities are treated by... well, soulless gossip rags like ours. "What I talked about was the idea of celebrity," Kanye opined, "and celebrities being treated like blacks were in the '60s, having no rights..." Oh, you mean like the time Angelina Jolie was forced to ride in the back of the bus because she starred in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider? Yes, that was TERRIBLE, Kanye. (Eye roll.) Kanye was asked about the media's efforts to "de-fang" him. "There's no fangs," he replied. "I don't have fangs. I'm a porcupine. I'm a blowfish. Like, I'm a—what's that fish that blows up?... Yeah. I'm a blowfish. I'm not a shark, I'm a blowfish." GQ should've stopped the interview right there—because that's the closest Kanye will ever get to self-realization.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 23 Nothing happened today.
THURSDAY, JULY 24 Terminal douchebag Robin Thicke—composer of the rapey hit "Blurred Lines"—is fucking miserable. Apparently his weeks of whining and begging his wife, Paula Patton, to take him back have gone absolutely nowhere (heh, heh, hehhhhh), and according to TMZ, Thicke has thrown in the towel and is telling anyone who'll listen that his marriage is OVER. Thicke is selling their LA mansion, attorneys are hard at work separating their assets, and now he's apparently ready to "move on with his life." (Which is to say, looking for another poor woman's life to ruin.)
FRIDAY, JULY 25 Sex and the City's Cynthia Nixon decided to go on TLC's ancestry show Who Do You Think You Are? and... surprise! SHE'S DESCENDED FROM AN AX MURDERER! In 1843 Missouri, Nixon's "great-great-great grandmother Martha Curnutt murdered her abusive husband Noah Casto with an ax," Us reports! "I certainly wouldn't call it a happy ending by any stretch of the imagination," Nixon said after being told how her great-great-great grandma "took the ax with which she had been chopping wood and with one blow sunk it deep into [her husband's] head, just through the eyes." "OOOoooOOOOoooOOOooOOOooo!" wailed the Ghost of Martha Curnutt! "Thanks for cluing me in to who my descendants are, TLC! And let it hereby be known that I—and my bloody ax—will now be seeking a new vengeance... against Cynthia Nixon! Watching Sex and the City 2 was the worst experience since I was found guilty of first-degree manslaughter and sentenced to five years at the Missouri State Penitentiary, where I was the only female inmate at the time! OoooOooooOOOO!" And with that, Cynthia Nixon was haunted until the end of her days, and TLC actually taught us something: Never appear in Sex and the City 2.
SATURDAY, JULY 26 Susan Sarandon continued to be Hollywood's Greatest Person Who Ever Lived this week, giving a fantastic interview to the Daily Beast, in which the 67-year-old actress talked about sleeping with David Bowie ("He's worth idolizing. He's extraordinary"), those goddamn cops at Burning Man ("Despite the fact that there was more of a police presence there, it was a lot of fun and I'd definitely go back"), working with a very young Brad Pitt on Thelma & Louise ("This guy is a character actor hidden in this gorgeous body"), and drugs. So. Many. Drugs. "I don't really like chemical things," Sarandon said. "Timothy Leary was a friend of mine, so that acid was nice and pure, but I'm not really looking for chemicals, and I don't like to feel speedy. But I've done ayahuasca and I've done mushrooms and things like that. But I like those drugs in the outdoors—I'm not a city-tripper. My attitude about marijuana or anything is 'Don't be stoned if you have to pretend you're not,' so I'd never do drugs if I was taking care of my kids. I like doing it in the Grand Canyon, or in the woods. You want to be prepared and not have responsibilities." Dears, we can't bold these words boldy enough: Susan Sarandon is a national treasure.
SUNDAY, JULY 27 And finally, we turn to Kid Rock, Insane Clown Posse, "Dirty Dan" Diamond, and the saga of the glass dildo. The majestic tale began last year, when former Insane Clown Posse publicist Andrea Pellegrini filed suit against Joseph "Violent J" Bruce and Joseph "Shaggy 2 Dope" Utsler for "wrongful termination, harassment, retaliation, and infliction of emotional distress" after she was reportedly harassed by former Insane Clown Posse employee "Dirty Dan" Diamond, who allegedly tried to seduce Pellegrini by giving her a glass dildo. Pellegrini declined—as would anyone with any common sense being offered a dildo of any sort by anyone named "Dirty Dan"—at which point Dirty Dan inexplicably gave the glass dildo to Kid Rock as a gift. (Or maybe he was trying to seduce Kid Rock, too? Who knows!) "It's nothing to 'whoop whoop' about," the proud journalists at Rolling Stone wrote. And now, they add, attorneys in the case "have subpoenaed [Kid Rock] to produce the item as court evidence." Which means that Kid Rock—aka Robert James Ritchie—has 14 days to locate the dildo, squeeze into his finest velour suit, and "produce the item in court." As there is absolutely nothing we can add to this story, dears, we now bring this fateful week to a close.