I've boiled down all the reports from everyone who spotted Cher and/or Cyndi Lauper circa their concert at KeyArena last week, and the morass amounts to this: Cher is a scary mummy lady, Cyndi is a magical fairy princess who rocks the whole stupid world. The end.

You may have wondered why I've avoided writing about A. J. Gil, the little dude from Tacoma who was voted off Fox's American Idol (the fate of American entertainment rests in the hands of Paula Abdul, people. The end is nigh). Well, the answer is this: I'm boycotting his eyebrows (them crazy bat-wing topiaries should remain the sole property of Endora and really evil drag queens). Besides, this reality TV business is beginning to make my colon itch. (Next season: America beats the runners-up to death with baseball bats.) To his credit, A. J. has made a few scandalous waves by claiming that it's American Idol's producers, not the fickle public, who decide the final winner. The producers deny everything. I think he's bitter.

It was simple--all "Kelle S." wanted to do was approach Pat Benatar after her show at the Riverboat Casino and hand the faded rock diva the picture she'd drawn. It was a lovingly sketched copy of the cover of Pat's 1982 release, Get Nervous. ("I was 18 years old when I drew it," Kelle says. "You do the math.") She'd even framed it in a gold lamé garage-sale frame! ("It was FABU!") Unfortunately, Pat's "big ol' greasy" security guard said, "Sorry ma'am, this is not a meet-and-greet show." So Kelle said, "Look, ya friggin' fat-ass, can't-find-work-anywhere-else loser. I drew this picture, and Pat's gonna get it!" Thusly did Kelle slip past the big, greasy, fat-assed guard and lay her offering at Miss Benatar's feet. "I reached out to Pat and she smiled at me," says Kelle. "I think we're in love."

On Monday, July 29, "Tim M." ran into figure skater Surya Bonaly at University and Third. Tim reports that "she's smaller in person" and said "hello" to him. Then, just a few minutes later, he spotted figure skater Tim Goebel at Fourth and Union (much cuter in person, boyish, didn't say "hello"). Freaky. The skaters were in town for the Champions on Ice skating thingy at KeyArena.

Little birds are whispering: Word on the filthy, filthy street is that a certain (closeted) bisexual Dawson's Creek cast member is keeping (and I mean KEEPING) a MAN-MISTRESS in our neck of the woods! So far I haven't scored any (ahem) hard evidence, but DAMN, do I want it to be true. SOMEBODY out there has to know SOMETHING (verifiable)--so fess up, people! Share the juice!

Send your dirty dirt to adrian@thestranger.com.