Columns

Celebrity I Saw U

by Adrian Ryan

When I think of all the REAL crimes plaguing the world (election fraud, white slaving, and Leslie Miller, to name but three), why, I get so angry I could just spit! SPIT, I tell you! It's Benjamin Curtis I'm talking about, and you do know who he is. To you, me, and everyone else--except maybe Amish shut-ins--Benjamin Curtis is the saucy, apparently ganja-addled blond ragamuffin who combines sexually ambiguous stoner-ness and quirky sass in an irresistible, computer-hawking bag of scrumptious.

(Yes, I mean he's the "Dude! Yer gettin' a DELL!" dude. Please keep up.)

Arrested. For buying pot, can you imagine. And in Manhattan! Now, don't those people have crazed Muslims or something getting all kamikaze on their office buildings and junk, for the love of Pee-wee Herman? And they're pooling their resources to bust the "Dude! Yer gettin' a DELL!" guy?

The world has gone INSANE.

True, the Manhattan judge--who was curiously lenient, understanding, and not a gay man--told Benjamin that his case would be dismissed and the misdemeanor charge expunged from his record (the guy supposedly bought, like, a bowl--call out the National freaking Guard!) if he can avoid getting arrested again for a year. But poor Ben was still forced to spend what I'm sure was a wretched, horrifying, and hopefully not too Midnight Express-like night in jail, which disturbs and excites me in a way best kept to myself.

(But listen up, Dell: I better see at least one more ad with Ben in it--in HIGH ROTATION!--or I'm never compulsively masturbating to your commercials again. I promise you.)

And in honor of Black History Month, I'd like to say absolutely nothing about Michael Jackson.

I'd also like to say absolutely nothing about the faded fitness guru who was spotted getting a pink weave at a Capitol Hill salon and described (now for the second time in two months) as looking and behaving like a "crazy crack whore." But hey. It's what I do. (Get help, honey; I'm seriously worried.) And you don't even want to KNOW about the now-local reality-TV notable who allegedly gets plastered, gets publicly naked, and then gets restraining orders against significant others--which is terrific, because I can't tell you until I get pesky CONFIRMATION.

adrian@thestranger.com