Fo Sheazy

"I sucked a whole lot of COCK."

That's how Jason Lee broke into the movies. He told me so. Well, not me, exactly, but the girl I was kind of sitting next to who asked him how he'd done it. That was his answer, though. Swear to GOD.

"Fuuuuck, no," was his response when another dork got all "artsy auteur" on his ass and asked if he used some kind of deep, internal, Stanislavsky-spanking "process" to get into his role for his new film. "I'm in the fucking movie for like 10 fucking minutes and then I get eaten by a shit weasel."

He makes his own rules.

He used to be a fucking sexy professional skateboarder, you know. He flashed his furry fucking sexy ex-skater tummy and rubbed it fucking sexily, too: right before my huge, petrified eyeballs. But be that as it may, I'm still not going to tell you what new movie he's talking about--the one with the man-eating shit weasels, the one he had no acting process for. I ain't no shill to the WB.

Jamie Kennedy is, though. Whoa. He plays a white-boy-wannabe-gangsta in his new WB flick, and he was also at the screening promoting his movie. (I told you that's what the event was, right? A WB promo screening?) But while Jason Lee rubbed his tummy and fucking sexily made his own rules, Jamie arrived in full faux-gangsta drag like a promotion-whupped dog. He was all, "Down wid da heazy" and "Fo sheazy" and "Don't be hatin'," flipping signs in an orange Adidas jogging suit. It was adorable. But what about the real Jamie Kennedy? When do we get to meet the man behind the "fo sheazy"?

Nick Stahl and Kristanna Loken were there--and yes, they have a new movie out too. Nick plays the new John Connor, the unfortunate darling who's forever running from some upgraded John Connor-killing robot from the future. Kristanna plays the murderous robot. (Wanna know what movie? Ask Jamie Kennedy.) They were sassy. But Christopher Guest (Waiting for Guffman) earned my eternal scorn by giving some poor floppy-haired kid with braces the downright coldest polite brushoff in history. I was standing right there! The look on that poor boy's face still makes my soul ache. I used to love Christopher Guest. Now I rather dislike his ass face. Bastard person.

Guest's pal John Michael Higgins was there, along with Harry Shearer--the genius behind THE Misters Burns, Smithers, and Skinner, and a very special man called Ned Flanders. I feel pretty darn good about their ass faces, for the record.

adrian@thestranger.com