Thank heavens. I thought I was coming down with a mild case of the SARS, but it's only a scathing case of the SIDS. Doctor says I need to stop sleeping on my stomach.
"Adrian, what is wrong with you? You think Justin Timberlake is gay!? Yeah, right! He is as far from gay as a man can possibly be! What is your evidence? Do you even have any?"
How darling.
Well, first off, Missy, who said anything about George Michael?
And God love little Eddie Vedder. Pearl Jam played Denver recently, and Eddie indulged in a wee small antiwar tangent or two in between sets. But when he impaled George Bush in effigy on a microphone stand, some poor brainwashed fools booed his artistic efforts and stormed out patriotically. (Who could possibly fathom the madness of cheering George Bush and booing Eddie Vedder?) That's Colorado for you.
Fred Durst was seen not dating Britney Spears at Club Medusa last week-ish. (His much taller posse of bodyguards was not dating Britney Spears along with him, for the record.) Fred was low key, whatever that really means. And although maybe he did or maybe he didn't date Britney Spears, I'll bet he isn't gay or anything. Not even a smidge. (And who said anything about Rock Hudson? Or Norman Bates? Or the Mr. Mike Brady? Or the entire priesthood?)
I was thrilled to biscuits to report that Colin Farrell recently appeared on Total Request Live drunker than a fiddler's bitch on free cheese day and cussing like an inner-city 13-year-old, because I've been looking for any excuse to tell the world that I think Colin Farrell is the unfunniest fucking nitwit ever to trod sod. But I was thinking Colin Quinn, not Farrell, so that didn't work out at all. Colin Farrell is cuter than the pearly pink buttons on a pickle's pantaloons. MTV spies say Mr. Farrell even helped himself to a full six-pack from the greenroom fridge on the way out, but he's Irish, so even if it's true, it's just plain rude to say so.
And a few weeks back I heard that Michelle Branch was at Mama's Mexican Kitchen, but I didn't have the mistiest clue who the hell Michelle Branch was. Suddenly, that girl is everywhere. So. Michelle Branch was spotted eating at Mama's Mexican Kitchen. In person she was said to look "less pudgy in the cheeks," which is nice, but that was weeks ago. Who knows how big they could have gotten since then? And who said anything about yo' daddy?
