Concerned reader "TJ" alleges that a certain Ms. Leslie Miller--AKA She of Omitted Ears and Helmet Head; Our Lady, the Anchoress of Cranky Britches--was seen frothing with newsy rage recently when an unfortunate motorist of marginal parking skills dared stumble across her self-important path in, yes, the Queen Anne Thriftway parking lot, for Christ's sake. "She was yelling at some woman for parking too close to her car," claims "TJ," explaining that Leslie disquietly inquired (i.e., screeched), "Why don't you learn to drive? Why don't you learn to drive?!'" of the poor poor-parker, apparently overlooking in her (alleged) fury that her issue was with the woman's parking and not, technically, her driving. The story spins wildly out of control at this point, featuring much alleged banging of doors and prolific use of the word "bitch." We'll stop here for the sake of discretion.

Have you yet found yourself exposed to the exquisitely disturbing reports/rumors? That poor monkey-loving Michael Jackson and those (allegedly) fraudulently redirected 9/11 charity funds are now bound up with gay hardcore porn somehow?

Don't answer that. Scientologists. Everywhere.

And did I mention "alleged"? Of course I did.

I can't remember if it was Naomi or Wynonna Judd who was just arrested for D'ing while U the I (come on, kids--glug, glug, vroom, vroom--keep up here). It wasn't the Judd with the weird liver problems (yet). Whatever. The whole affair really does make one wonder why cops are out arresting tipsy Judds instead of real criminals, like homeless mothers and George W. Bush. Not that I condone drunk driving. I don't condone driving at all.

Except piledriving, naturally. Which brings us once again to Ashton Kutcher's ass.

If Ashton's anxious bitching drives Demi from his door, I'll be disillusioned, pissed, and profoundly sexually excited. Alternately. But I'm sure that all those crazy rumors that Ashton waxes as anxious as heat rash at an aloe vera convention whenever Bruce what's-his-face comes sniffing around (probably to visit his three kids), and that he endlessly frets that his ascension to starhood is due solely to his tryst with Ms. Moore, and that all of his (alleged) insane insecurity is inspiring some serious relationship-threatening spats between them... well, those crazy rumors just can't be true, can they?

And I wonder who Pink thinks she's kidding by conspicuously Frenching Tommy fricking Lee at a packed nightclub after that humid, widely reported (by me, mostly) public face-sucking she just gave terminatrix Kristanna Loken? Her mom, maybe?

adrian@thestranger.com