Columns

Celebrity I Saw U

by Adrian Ryan

Wait. Were we speaking of Eminem? Hmmm.

I sat through all 200 interminably fey and digitized minutes of Lord of the Rings III or whatever, and am pleased to report that, yes, Elijah Wood's pink gumdrop nipples are as excessively charming as I'd always hoped and dreamed.

And boys and girls, please. Shhh. The time has come for truth, which is thus: "The Real World has given us lots of compelling characters and story lines over the years, but few have been quite as memorable or as timely as the story of Danny and Paul," as was spoken by that waxy old sage John Norris in the MTV special Danny and Paul report (yes, that's exactly what I wasn't telling you when I probably didn't tell you I wasn't telling you something), which reveals for the FIRST TIME EVER not just the FACE of the ever-mysterious Paul (formerly much-pixilated and thankfully no longer in the military), but also Paul's sassy, sassy Van Halen T-shirt, also unrevealed until now. Ahem. Not to mention tons of deceptively sunny Seattle background shots--sure to disappoint the tittering herds of soon-to-be-drenched-and-shivering homos that the special has surely sent careening in from all over the damn planet. And you know what that means.

Exactly. Fresh meat. I love you, Danny. Love you, Paul.

"Adrian: This is your good friend Horace Henry, and I just wanted to report that Dave Matthews and his family visited the Henry Art Gallery, again! He really likes the Henry! A lot!"

Fabulous!

And Brendan Fraser was spotted gliding elegantly (but in a manly way) down the Pacific Place escalator recently, and the moment was captured forever by the quick camera work of "Michael Ray," who recognized him despite the coyly turned-up collar of his coat, thank God. There can be no confirmation here on the pink gumdropness of Brendan's nipples or lack thereof; however, all signs point to charming.

Ahh, Courtney. She waddled stark raving naked up, down, and all around her self-imposed California rehab on Christmas Day. All day. "Nobody knew where to look and she wasn't making a whole lot of sense," according to a witness, which would make my spinal fluid bubble and perk with heretofore unimaginable glee if I didn't, you know, relate. But it is safe to say that, in this case, naked Courtney's nipples were not exactly charming, but more incoherent. It's pointless to speculate, really.

adrian@thestranger.com