As to the question of whether or not Courtney Bernice Henrietta Louella Love actually was arrested and arrested and so forth (once, twice, three times; I lose count, really) for allegedly launching both microphone stands and her own wan and eldritch self at the head-and-neck areas of various audience members (with the possible intent of being really mean) from the stages of two impromptu concerts that she performed last week shortly after flashing her pushing-40 (can you believe it?) titties at David Letterman (a dozen or so times) and shortly after getting her ass chewed mightily (a dozen or so times) by the irate judge presiding over her felony drug hearing, or whether it was all simply a fretful dream I had, we can only speculate. As to the question. Like I think I just said. Either way, when I woke up my pillow was missing.
And of course I have no fucking clue what Courtney Love's real middle names are, or even if she has any. But what's weirder? One of the tragic and confusing alleged victims of one of these tragic and confusing possible Courtney-assaults was a New York Daily News photographer named, what again? Right. Dara Kushner.
And if you think THAT'S not one hell of a cosmic karmic something or other, well. Nothing.
My nascent soul is putrescent with rage (and my thesaurus just went crack), for dark conspiratorial forces have forced my eternal hero, poor Pee-wee Herman (née Paul Reubens, 51), to cop a fucking plea for charges connected to all that supposed kiddie porn we all know he really didn't have. He "agreed" to a misdemeanor obscenity charge, carrying a $100 fine, abject humiliation for all eternity, and three years' probation, in which time (worst of all) he is regarded as--eep!--a sex offender.
I just can't fucking handle this shit. Pee-wee Herman! 51!
And since we're not mentioning Ashton Kutcher, I'd also love to not mention Cameron Diaz saving Justin Timberlake's house by dashing out his smoldering portiéres when a neglected candle became irascible, because it's too bizarrely like last week's report of Britney's extensions conflagrating in a similar fashion (I smell an overworked publicist...), or Ozzy Osbourne's oldest daughter, Aimee, getting a restraining order against Lionel Richie's daughter What's-her-face Richie (she's on some TV show), because adding some mysterious extra daughter late in the game who nobody ever heard of didn't work for Buffy either, or especially anything about Whitney Houston being in both rehab and a religious sect called the "The African Hebrew Israelites of Jerusalem," because it makes my soul hurt. I would, however, like to point out that no sideways cracks about "flaming" appeared in any of the above reports, especially Justin Timberlake's. Thank you.
