Bouncy Gleamer, Betrayer

Bruce Willis Eviscerates Wetlands; Cindy Crawford Against PETA; Golden Girl Suspected Terrorist; Mary Lou Votes Republican--The Dark Age Has Begun!

Mary Lou Retton, who gleams and grins shit- eatingly, led the Pledge of Allegiance at the Republican National Convention. I have no opinion on the matter whatsoever. Who the little bouncing cunt votes for is her business.

I am of course leaving myself wide open to arrest and subsequent torture upon the rise of the Theocratic Union of States Under Bush upon the founding of his New Christian Rome. I realize this entirely. I figure they'll string me up next to some other poetic visionary. Maya Angelou, probably. We'll swing and twirl together, martyrs in the wind, and, you know, relate completely.

Never mind. Put those notions right out of your head. We haven't lost yet, by God. We'll perhaps find hope still amidst the Clinton administrations toss-offs. Focus, people.

Bea Arthur, who is 1,000, has often been suspected of secretly being a penis-haver, but rarely a terrorist. She made refreshing moves to remedy one of these situations (but clearly not the other) last week by trying to smuggle a manly pocketknife onto a plane. "The terrorists put it there... the terrorists, the terrorists! We're all doomed!" she started screaming upon her subsequent detainment and, we assume, body-cavity search, witnesses report. Blanche could not be reached for comment.

Laura Bush will not appear with "P. Diddy." (No, she will not!) She was scheduled to, for some charity or something, but upon discovering P. Diddy's name alongside her own on the program, backed out completely. P. Diddy, pissed, backed out too. P. Diddy's decision apparently had nothing to do with being a racist bitch.

Bruce Willis bought endangered wetlands, and then destroyed them for his own amusement, which isn't surprising. He votes Republican. (It's what they do.) Cindy Crawford endorsed murderous fur recently, claiming she doesn't support PETA and never did. And God, forsaking the Democratic Party entirely, put Bill Clinton in the hospital for quadruple bypass surgery.

Lastly: My resurfaced Washington, D.C., mole has been stalking Bush with stealth, and reports on his every ostensible word. My favorite so far: When asked by an African American if he supported affirmative action in the schools, Bush replied, "I support schools affirmatively taking action, yes."

Vote. P. Diddy.

adrian@thestranger.com