These are dank and scabrous times. The dull, moronic evil that's clutched our nation for four terrifying years rears again its hideous head for another frontal attack, and all we have standing between us and wretched oblivion is pro-John Kerry swing voters. And yet, this is hope, and in hope there is joy, and in joy, Gary Busey.
Just go along with me on this.
Stranger Personals
Gary Busey, who I am not convinced isn't secretly Nick Nolte too, was just lately spotted in El Gaucho's Cigar Bar, apparently cigaring. Millions of witnesses (which amount to a delightful little sprite called "Lisa") stumbled across Mr. Busey and exclaimed, "Are you really Gary Busey?" or something, to which the alleged Mr. Busey predictably answered, "Why, yes. Yes I am," or whatever. These events in no way convince anyone that it wasn't really Nick Nolte, as he and Mr. Busey are both consummate liars, if not, indeed, simply aspects of the same person.
And Mary Cheney is a lesbian. This seems to be fresh news to some people. My fucking goodness. A LESBIAN! Stop the fucking presses. And then tongue-out MARY CHENEY'S BIG DYKEY SNATCH--because she's a LESBIAN!
That ought to do it.
If you've pondered, "Merciful heavens! What in the name of screaming man-on-man orgasms was angelic Josh Groban--the excruciating Italian sex-muffin and world famous vocalist (he was on Oprah)--doing at gay, gay Manray and then at the even gayer Starbucks on Olive Way just recently?" then you clearly have stopped masturbating furiously to the soft-focus fantasies of Mr. Groban riding on white stallions over secluded beaches in the naked sunrise that are running in a compulsive loop in your head, and I salute you.
Yes, bareback.
And did you know P. Diddy had a butler? Called Farnsworth? That followed him around with a parasol? And now P. Diddy wants another one? "A white man with an accent and a lot of knowledge and service in fine wines," who should also be "sexy"? Yes. Well. And I thought butlers were the exclusive property of big queens.
Not speaking of that: Matt Damon let gaily slip that he expects to grow old with Ben Affleck, and not any woman-type creature. (Yes, bareback.) "Despite rumors, I liked and still do like Jennifer Lopez," Matt added, fooling no one in particular. Especially not Mary Cheney, who is a gargantuan, tongue-twirling, twat-twiddling DYKE. Please make a note of it.
Send wondrous things to: adrian@adrianryan.com
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