By the time you finally read this, the firestormy maelstrom of American fucktardedness will hopefully have lulled to a thick-skulled murmur, President John Kerry will be preparing to sit his smug and scrawny butt in the Oval Office, and Bush and his ass-sucking forces of evil will be cramming their pockets with blood money and slithering back to their diamond-encrusted hell-pits to gnash their mean teeth and continue their ceaseless plotting (sniffing presidential benches for the scent of cigars and Oval Office intern snatch again, I suppose).
Best case scenario. That's what that is.
Stranger Personals
More likely, we haven't even begun to see the end of it. Kerry won the election, but Republicans are still gnashing their yellow dentures and tearing at their comb-overs trying to overturn it--and probably plotting secretly with the Saudis again to blow more shit up to prove their point (whatever that is) and to ensure (above all else!) that soccer moms in Wisconsin remain usefully nervous enough to vote Republican, but never to stop shopping at Wal-Mart. That's the second best scenario. I refuse to consider anything beyond scenario two, thanks.
Let's talk about Bono.
"Dear Adrian--As I was walking into lunch at Salty's on Alki, not more than 100 feet from where I stood sat the royal highness of rock, the Irishman most capable of saving the world, Bono, in green sunglasses, drinking red wine at 11:30 in the morning at a corner booth. I caught him on his way to the bathroom and said, 'Can I just shake your hand?' He turned around, gave me a BIG grin, took my hand, THEN PULLED ME TOWARD HIM AND KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK! He said, 'Cheers babe, bye!' Oh happy day!!! I am blessed and chosen! Why is he in town?"--Emily K
Dear Emily K--The bleary and nostalgic answer to your question begins about a thousand years ago (like 1981. Was I even born?), when Bono lost a briefcase full of lyrics and love letters. A lady named Cindy Harris discovered it in her attic or something at some point, and Bono finally just came to reclaim them. But all this shit actually went down in Portland, so I guess he just came up here to eat fish. Yay!
Lastly: Courtney Love, who we've been totally ignoring, has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon after hucking bottles and burning candles at some bitch who I bet probably deserved it anyway. Allegedly. "Things are looking better and better for Courtney," her fucking lawyer lied. Which reminds me, Bush lost, right? RIGHT?
O, thank God.
Send! adrian@adrianryan.com
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