If you can correctly guess the name of the screaming lunatic who just said something like this: Allow me to clarify, the wretched spawn of my putrid loins has had a complete mental breakdown and has subsequently checked her eldritch ass into some rehab simply because she's a terrifying hell-cow-NOT because she's choking down fistfuls of hillbilly heroin again. Or what have you (God fucking bless the paraphrase! GOD FUCKING BLESS IT!). Then you would probably guess Sharon Osbourne. If you were indeed ever asked to guess for some reason. Congratulations, maybe!
Also: To see pictures of a terrifying hell-cow's most recent visit to Seattle, go here: www.adrianryan.com. Or don't. Whatever.
"Hello Adrian-Bill and Melinda Gates attended the Ellie Parker SIFF screening at the Neptune. Bill barely cracked a smile... however, he laughed twice at masturbation references-his laughter could be plainly heard-LOUD. The Gateses scurried back out of the theater before the lights came up. -Michael"
Dear Michael, I just came up with the greatest drag name ever: "Robbin Rape." Isn't that fucking fabulous? I know! Not that I'm saying Bill or Melinda Gates are drag queens or whatever. That would be beside the point entirely.
"Hi Adrian! I was in the W Hotel lobby last night and in walked Travis Barker (Blink 182) in all his tattooed, mohawked glory. Not a bad sighting I would say! XO -Aja"
Dear Aja, That's right, I've never actually done drag. Never! Honestly! (I'd look like Annie.) But isn't that the most fabulous fucking name ever? I know! (P.S. Travis 182 or whoever is so fucking hot my pelvis just cracked. Word.)
Next: Regarding the various religious madnesses currently infecting the alleged minds of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Madonna, and others (J.Lo... squawk!), I have little comment, and even littler opinion. Luckily, this does not prevent me from telling you what I think, which is something like this: At least they aren't fucking Jehovah's Witnesses. I hate Jehovah's Witnesses.
"Dear Adrian-I saw Tom Skerritt at Cafe Septieme on Broadway. -daue"
Dear person called "daue," I'm not over fond of Mormons either. Adventists freak me the fuck out, too. And midget ass. (P.S. Yum! Chips and house ketchup!)
Elsewhere: Keanu Reeves has concisely (rudely, even!) put a stop to all those nasty rumors that he secretly married some woman, which doesn't surprise those among us who think he's a fag. ■
