Someone called "Madonna" has fallen from her horse. This horse was allegedly high. No one has satisfactorily explained whether or not this so-called "Madonna" person was wearing her famous "little red string Kabala juju bracelet" when she fell from her high horse and broke her famous ass, but if so, does she get a refund? I demand an answer.

It's the deeper theological issues that drive me. But you know that.

And Hebrews never give refunds. Or build monorails. And you know THAT, too.

"Adrian, You gave an advice: to feign dead in case Gary Busey attacks. But how? You have to keep your breath, but this isn't possible for too long a time. I, living in the Netherlands, won't need this tip."—Groeten, Roel

Dear "Roel," I have an never been so confused. An Never. Mazel tov!—Adrian

"Adrian, I stumbled across your article on TV news people you'd like fuck and did some research on Christine Chen. I found it a bit of a turn-on that she's "among the top celebrity oyster-slurpers." Heck, can I pay to see her slurp some celebrity oyster? Maybe Mary Nam's?"—Dave W., Wauwatosa, WI

Dear Dave, Heck, yes! You can pay to see that!—Groeten, Adrian

In Owen Wilson: Owen Wilson was spotted downtown by an unidentified person called "Ruby." He was with some girl. This girl wore heels. And a dress. It was trendy. ("She wasn't a stick, either.") Owen Wilson apparently wore no heels, and was therefore less trendy. He remains, however, a skinny Hebrew. Mazel tov!

In relatively less Owen Wilson: A person allegedly called "Tina Rutt" just kicked it, as it were, with the equally alleged Janick Gers from Iron Maiden. This happened at the Central Saloon quite recently. (Too recently? Perhaps.) Janick Gers is described as a "really nice guy"—although Owen Wilson and the aforementioned "Tina Rutt" person are both very nice too, I'm sure. (The Tina person even sent me a really rad photo!) Be advised that I'm pretty sure that Janick Gers isn't the gay one from Iron Maiden. I've made my peace with that.

Also: Something about Jude Law's penis.

Lastly: Appreciation for Courtney Love has deepened since Madonna broke her ass, and we shall celebrate this by certainly not addressing her newest tango with judges, tear jags, various and very under-identified "controlled substances," another month of court-ordered recovery, nor, of course, any other thing. Almost all of me would instead like to bid dear Courtney well, and hopes that she finally overpowers the nasty crack monkey that rules her soul and commits at last to a fresh new life of organic intoxicants like the fucking rest of us. Mazel tov!

See! The Not Gay One from Iron Maiden! www.adrianryan.com. Send: adrian@adrianryan.com.