Olivia Newton-John has a boyfriend. This boyfriend seems to have mysteriously evaporated from the face of the Earth, as they say, so he and Olivia must be relating to each other on a whole new level now. Which is nice. Authorities are baffled, as behooves the natures and singular value systems of authorities. Which is beside the point.
In deeper obscurities: "Punky Brewster" "star" "Soleil Moon Frye" birthed herself a little baby girl last Wednesday, which I think might actually be the creature's name. "Little Baby Girl Last Wednesday."
"Dear Adrian, yesterday Mexico's greatest export, Salma Hayek, flew from L.A. to Seattle on an Alaska flight. Amazingly, she was in coach. Who the hell is manning the velvet rope at that airline?" —Mastever
Dear Mastever, Salma Hayek is pretty like flowers are. And please don't call her "Mexican."
Elsewhile: I just saw the most devastating picture of Courtney Love weeping like an excessively moist and unmedicated clown, and I just can't allegedly make fun of her anymore, ever again. Indeed, never. I just fucking can't.
Regarding a hot and anonymous local newscaster we'll call "Pickles": "Dear Adrian, "Pickles" and I used to hang out, and he would get really drunk and bemoan his complex identity issues. 'I'm such a F-AAAA-G!' he'd moan. He'd complain about his rich boyfriend and how he couldn't keep up with all the guy's campy, wealthy friends. You can blow a shitload of dough at Pottery Barn, you know." —Regards, Mysterious Ex-Friend of "Pickles"
Then: If one should hunger, for whatever reason, to experience the unique and exquisite terror of John Curley in a tragic dress, one would be well advised to visit www.adrianryan.com. No questions asked.
In even bigger he-bitches: Justin Timberlake has achieved dithering new piques in his aggressive campaign to assert his vaporous heterosexuality by successfully suing a slanderous British rag for falsely claiming that he fucked a woman, and then promptly proceeding to launch his own fashion line.
In sometimes even gayer and relatively more institutionalized celebrities: Eminem (pills); Dave Chappelle (still); an Olsen Twin (soon); a Hilton (sooner); Michael Moore, who just committed himself to a fat farm (Courtney, Courtney); and ending, of course, with One Day at a Time legend Mackenzie Phillips, who isn't institutionalized these days so much as she is walking around downtown carrying a "Sally's Beauty Supply" bag, whatever the heck that is. "She obviously lied when she claimed Proactiv worked for her," someone called "Des" assures us. For which we thank him. We thank him very much.