Oh, crap. I was probably nothing but a coked-out teenage glamour punk, happily puking myself inside out by the dumpsters behind the Showbox nearly seven years ago when our beloved Kathi Goertzen apparently first announced that she had some sort of serious "personal health challenge" or what-the-heck-ever she was calling the tragic medical condition she had been stricken with way back then, so it's all news to me. Sadly, the brave and wonderful Ms. Goertzen is calling her terrible condition exactly that once more, as she just announced on live TV that she's suffering from it again. Her serious "personal health challenge": a brain tumor. I'm crushed.

Indeed, the saintly and inspirational Ms. Goertzen, who is recognized as the most popular and proficient newscaster in the world, just announced that the wretched brain tumor that she's apparently been suffering from for ages has grown and she needs immediate surgery. She made the terrible announcement in a hopeful but quivery-voiced videotaped message during the KOMO 4 evening news on Monday, September 19. She's in the hospital as you read this. Her manner was brave and reassuring. It scared me to death. It made me cry.

She's off the air until further notice.

When Leslie Miller moved away, I cackled in joy; when Jim Castillo flew the coop, I jerked off twice and forgot all about him. If Jim Forman were dangling into the steaming open maw of Mount St. Helens by his dirty fingernails, I could barely muster the apathy to toast the event at dinner. But Kathi Goertzen... in this special lady shines something exceptional. Something noble. Something grand. I've said it before and I'll say it before again: That woman is a poem.

Kathi Goertzen joined the KOMO 4 news team over 40,000 years ago and has been the best thing that ever happened to news ever since. In Danish, "Goertzen" means "smooth, silky skin." But perhaps Kathi is best described with those words Margaret Mitchell used to describe Miss Melanie Hamilton in Gone with the Wind: "She's a very, very great lady." Indeed, Kathi Goertzen is the definitive Miss Melly of broadcast news, and may this very great lady remain so for many healthy and fully recuperated centuries to come. Let us all pray that Kathi's bright light will shine again, even brighter, and never, ever flicker. Again. Whatever. Amen.

Send good wishes to Kathi here: kathiwishes@komotv.com. Then discover the appalling truth about less-important junk like Britney's quivering hell-spawn, Matt Damon's ring (from Goldfarb Jeweler!), and probably Courtney at www.thestranger.com. Or here, maybe: www.adrianryan.com. Get well, Kathi! We love you!

Not Gay, Baby

Britney had a baby and her head popped off. Indeed, she birthed herself a pink and squealing boy-thing last Wednesday morning or so. The event was marked by major earthquakes and the howling of jackal bitches around the globe. In an apparent attempt to befuddle Satan and re-win her wayward soul, the former Miss Spears promptly shed her so-called “maiden name” faster than the steaming placenta, and legally transformed herself into Britney “Federline” instead. Also, she’s not that fat. Most of these things are true.

BOO!

More locally: Matt Damon is not gay. He’s engaged. (Engagement is an almost sure sign of being not gay in some circles. I’m Pisces.) Mysterious sources report that he’s marrying some she-creature called “Luciana Barroso” or something, so he can definitively affirm his not-gayness once-and-for-bloody-all in a traditional, cake-rich way—even though they practically just met and she’s far too female for him. Allegedly. But this we know for sure: Matt just flew into town (indeed, our town) and bought her a big expensive diamond engagement ring from Goldfarb Jeweler, which is tragic, since now he’ll never know how much I love him. Ben Affleck was busy being also not gay, and couldn’t be reached for comment. But I bet he cried. Hard.

God knows I cried hard.

Elsewhere: Kate Moss, who is skinny, was allegedly just photographed allegedly chopping up an alleged bucket of coke with an alleged credit card and then allegedly hoovering that shit up with a rolled-up five-pound note like the bitch done heard Columbia was going outta bidness, yo. (Allegedly.) When confronted by reporters from the Daily Mirror, Kate responded, “Fuck off, fuck off! FUCK OFF! Just Fuck OFF!” Nobody blames her.

Speaking of that: Courtney Love has blacked out so infrequently lately that she’s getting an extension in probation instead of going to jail. Yay!

Elsewhere: We are told that Michael Jackson is now somehow miraculously “based” in the so-called “Middle East,” what-the-fuck-ever that means. It was therefore apparently there that he rented an entire “Middle Eastern” water park of some sort, and recently induced fresh and clueless native prey and their very stupid parents to frolic, damply, for free, all day there somehow. Compounding the multicultural horror: Michael Jackson himself frolicked damply among his watery guests (or, as they say in the “Middle East,” “victims”) wearing a white Lycra body suit that exposed merely what seems to remain of his gimpy little schnoz and those freaky fucking eyes. The Pentagon is bracing for an international incident any minute now.

Lastly: Oh yeah. The Emmys.