Jessica Simpson struggled with embarrassing acne for years, then she got Proactiv. Now she struggles with a gay fake husband. Thanks, Proactiv!
"Dear Adrian, I'm sure you know this already, but Elijah Wood tried to buy cigarettes on Capitol Hill but had no ID. It's in the Star, so everyone must know. Over and out."
Dear Over and Out, please don't presume to tell me what I know. Please don't insinuate that Elijah Wood smokes anything other than indecent amounts of healthy green Mary Jane occasionally—and my pole. Please do not presume that I would be caught dead reading the Star. Thank you in advance for you kind attention to these matters. Shazam!
Katie Holmes is pregnant. We all know this. Katie Holmes is also probably an alien. We also all know that. But did you know she ditched her latest film project lest she distress the little alien fetus fast developing in her wretched little womb and accidentally jeopardize its subsequent birth and enslavement of all mankind? Indeed. (I read all about it in the Star.) Also, she's wearing all black these days to cover her procreative little tummy as it swells and swells and swells, which is more than she ever does to cover those mysterious outbreaks of huge red sores she gets all over her mouth sometimes. I'm just saying.
And do you know why Danny Roberts has Gwyneth Paltrow's pilfered pie plate? Neither do I.
Elsewhile: Melissa Etheridge smokes marijuana because of her breast cancer, and I guess that's as good an excuse as any. Hooray for everything.
Elsewhere: Rose McGowan's mother works at Microsoft, so when I report that Rose just had some weird skirmish with her own security guards that landed her in handcuffs, it's locally relevant somehow.
And I must admit that I'm tremendously relieved to learn that my good friend Jennifer Aniston has met another nice boy with a legendary penis. It's also quite nice that my good friend Vince Vaughn, who has a legendary penis, has also grown a lovely new beard. These events may or may not be mutually exclusive.
In other news: Calling Brad and Angelina Brangelina is fucking hysterical.
In reflection upon earlier things: Frankly, if Alexis Arquette is insisting upon having his wasted pecker surgically snipped off on film for an A&E show, I think he should at least demand a better title for it than "Alexis Are-Cut." Someone needs to be shot in the face for that little brainstorm. Seriously.
